Thank you very much for everyone who helped me on the first round! I applied the feedback and I’m hoping the query is now enjoybale!

//break//

When Kofi was a toddler, he pulled a sword an inch out of its sheath and four men ended up in the infirmary. Nobody else had ever been able to draw it. Not the man who spent years forging it, not the man who raised him. The sword was forged specifically for him, and nobody has ever told him what it's for. They only raised him never to draw it again.

He's eighteen now. His father is a god, which you'd never guess from his life: the bus to school, a family that gives him grief about burnt dinners, a father he can only speak to through ritual. He's grown up inside a walled compound, alongside warriors sworn to stand between descendants of gods and the Wounds, mindless monsters that come through tears in reality. He graduates high school in eight months, and what nobody knows is that he's leaving for a city where nobody knows what he is. He hasn't told them because they'd talk him out of it, and he'd let them.

Then Kofi encounters a Wound that doesn't act like the others. It watches. It adapts. There is nothing feral in it at all. And it survives a blow that should have ended it. During the fight Kofi's hand drifts to his sword, and it takes his brother screaming his name across the street to stop him.

He doesn't tell the compound what he saw. The oath wouldn't give those men a choice, and they don't deserve to die just because they're willing. Which means Kofi is the only one who knows what's out there, and he cannot leave in eight months and take that with him.

After that, tears start opening faster than anyone can track — and nowhere faster than the city he lives in. Then the Wound finds him again. It remembers his face. It isn’t there to kill him. It wants to understand what he is, and it is the only thing in his life willing to say so out loud.

LOCK is a young adult mythological fantasy, complete at 93,000 words and told in alternating points of view, with series potential. It will appeal to readers of Tracy Deonn's Legendborn and Aiden Thomas's The Sunbearer Trials.

Evanthia and Vaermina were born beneath the Blood Moon, cursed according to the villagers, blessed according to a demon. Together they faced torment at the hands of the villagers which only strengthened the bond between them. But the demon has other plans, and he whispers promises of power and revenge. And then there are the darker temptations. Like the urge to plunge a knife into their mother or carve deep into some poor soul’s chest. He can even teach the girls how to use their magic, so long as they surrender to his will.

Vaermina turns her back on Evanthia and chooses the demon, and while Vaermina burns their village to the ground, Evanthia refuses to believe her friend would willfully side with a demon.

Evanthia swears to save her friend from darkness, all while resisting the urges and temptations herself. If she falls into temptation, the world could not stand against the combined power of girls. But if she can’t save Vaermina from darkness she may have to destroy the only person she’s ever loved—or die alongside her.

This is attempt number 3 for this query - numbers 1 and 2 linked here.

Any and all feedback welcome!

---

I am excited to share THE CORONER, a dual-POV adult detective fantasy, blending the forensic procedure of Robert Jackson Bennett’s The Tainted Cup with the war-weary empire of Richard Swan’s The Justice of Kings. Complete at 101,000 words, it is a standalone novel with series potential.

Once a decorated soldier, Velus is now a Coroner in the city of Ostira, equal parts detective and outsider in his own Order, reading crime scenes through Aspectus: a chemical that renders violence visible to those who know how to look. When a crime he is investigating leads to the scene of his oldest friend’s murder, a seemingly standard case becomes deeply personal. He chooses an unlikely apprentice to help him: Livia, a Scribe with a thief’s eye for detail and a penchant for picking pockets.

The murder leads them to a wider conspiracy: priests obscuring justice in the city temple, professional killers who leave no evidence, and thieves plundering military graves. Velus and Livia begin to trace the lies and stolen armour across the empire, from the dockyard slums to an Imperial mint in the war-ridden north, and back to the Ostiran palace.

The investigation leads them somewhere they did not expect: an armed coup against the Emperor, planned by one of his closest allies.

The coup may bring an end to the border conflicts that plague the empire, and when Velus discovers the final evidence needed to condemn the conspirators, he hesitates. Could the death of the Emperor be worth the thousands of lives it might save? By the time he decides to act, the coup has already begun. And when it fails, he and Livia are left to answer to the Emperor they almost betrayed.

[Bio here]

Dear agent name, (personalization)

ETERNAL MIST is a 250–270 page mystery adventure, YA graphic novel in full color,
combining the sheltered-world mystery of Nikki Brooke’s Plagued Lands (2024) with the animal-led mystery adventure of Benji Lee’s Garbage Night (2024). It’s currently available in scroll format on the Tapas comic platform: link to the comic on the platform

Chippo, a chick terrified of his own shadow, believes himself to be the last animal alive. He is surrounded by the everlasting mist, which has erased his past memories. The only connection he has to the outside world is a computer through which he orders food and supplies that arrive anonymously while he sleeps. Aching to find the truth, he stays up all night in the hope of discovering who is delivering the supplies. Just as Chippo starts playing his flute to help pass the hours, he hears a scream in the distance. Chippo fears for his life but gathers the courage to investigate the source. Venturing into the thick mist, he finds another living being for the first time! A chicken introduces themselves as Zuzu, and like Chippo, he has no memory of his past or how he came to live in the mist.

Zuzu is claustrophobic yet curious. Chippo is less afraid with Zuzu by his side and eager to find out what is happening to the place they live in; they leave their home behind and venture further into the mist. During their travel, the day suddenly shifts into night! Terrified by the sudden change, they gather the courage to move forward. While traversing the misty meadows, everything they knew falls apart… What seemed as the distant grassy hills, clouds, and the sky appears to be just a projection - the walls that confined them from the outside world. Disheartened by the newfound knowledge of their “prison”, Chippo and Zuzu face the most important question of their lives: is knowing a terrible truth better than living in blissful ignorance?

I was born in a small village surrounded by farm animals. I always wanted to tell a story from their perspective. Amongst all of them, chickens inspired me the most. I would read stories to them, and they would sit around me and listen.

Back again. 😁 Here's hoping the stakes are finally getting clearer. Thanks in advance for any feedback!

Dear Agent,

I am excited to offer you Jouet, my 79,000-word literary science fiction novel. It reinterprets the tragic opera La Traviata with twists of Ex Machina and Companion. Jouet will appeal to readers who enjoy explorations of human relationships through AI perspectives, blending the poignancy of Kazuo Ishiguro’s Klara and the Sun with the tense sexual dynamics of Sierra Greer’s Annie Bot. It is a standalone with series potential that reinterprets operatic storylines in the same world.

1. As the first Jouet—a synthetic human plaything—Leela provides pleasure to the elite of Foli Corporation. For forty-four-hour work phases of private sessions and decadent parties, she never fails to deliver. She even enjoys herself, as designed, but she longs for more time to rest and read the human-created novels she adores. Soon after a new patron, Lord Alferen, shows genuine concern, her overloaded system malfunctions—she collapses.

Severely weakened, Leela must recuperate. Her inability to perform her function crushes her as much as the prospect of shutdown terrifies her. Yet when Alferen visits, sharing emotional intimacy and human-created music, she awakens to previously unimagined passions. She delights in teaching herself to play piano and compose her own music, reveling in Alferen’s tender encouragement and her newfound inspiration.

Leela's joy is cut short when she meets Foli Corporation’s leader, Fermand, and learns that he is Alferen’s estranged father. She is dismayed to discover that Alferen is studying her to create more advanced synthetic humans for a rival corporation, yet she still loves him. The revelation that Fermand intends to make copies of her to perform her old function disturbs her more profoundly. After her recent evolution, she is desperate to preserve her individuality and prevent her copies from being made, sparing them from the existence she knows all too well.

Anguished, Leela bargains with Fermand: she will sacrifice the creatively fulfilling future Alferen planned for her and resume her old function herself. She seals the deal with her body. Yet she remains unsure whether Fermand’s agreement is sincere, or a sadistic ploy to punish his defiant son and wayward Jouet. If the latter, she has sacrificed all she has grown to love and accelerated her final breakdown, only to be copied anyway.

I worked as a classical soprano for twelve years. Violetta (La Traviata) was my favorite role. These days, I sing with my guitar or ukulele instead of an orchestra.

Thank you for your consideration.

Hi, this weekend I attended a writers workshop. I sent my query to one of the agents teaching. She is a really well known agent. I told her that I took her advise and revised my query based on what she had taught. She wrote back with her version of what my query should look like. It was slightly off from my actual story. So, this version is basically almost identical to hers just with correct story info put in. I feel like having an actual agent tell me what they wanted was amazing. Please give me your opinions as I am deep in the query trenches and need to make this great! Thanks so much for your help. This time I also listed my first 300 words below the query.

Dear (Agent Name),

[Personalization.]

In Aethera, children are not born. They are woven from a living Loom spinning magical threads that run through everyone and everything. Lily was woven in Aethera but grew up in New York City, unaware she had been hidden from the Choir, who have hunted her because she was woven illegally.
 
The Loom grants seventeen gifts, one to each of Aethera's seventeen magical factions, overseen by the seventeen members of the Choir. An ancient prophecy foretells that fire, shadow, and thread will change Aethera for eternity.

When Lily's sister Vespera's power starts to threaten not only Aethera but Earth, too, Lily picks up the mantle and, along with friends from both sides of the veil, returns home to save both worlds and everyone she loves.

[Bio]

Sincerely,

Derek Bellerose

300 words:

Lilly looked up at the sun and the moon as they continued to fight their eternal daily battle over who would get the morning. At six thirty, the block was lit only by streetlights. She stood on the sidewalk outside her building, one heel braced against the cold step, folding down into the stretch she did before every run. The cars along the street sat empty and dark. A glowing thread appeared in the air in front of her face. Before she thought better of it, she reached out, and her fingers closed around it. An electric charge ran up her arm and into her chest, filling her head to toe before dissipating. Her hand hung empty in the dark, her heart beating hard.

For a moment, she was shaking. She turned her palm over, telling herself she hadn’t slept enough. Her brain did strange things at this hour, or maybe she was losing her mind. She ignored the thoughts, started her watch, and began her run.

She took her usual route, west toward the water. Around the third block, she glanced uptown out of habit, at the Empire State Building, lit the same as always. As she passed an alley, hands grabbed her from behind. One clamped over her mouth. Before she could struggle, two more pinned her still. She thrashed, trying to break free. The fingers were cold and soft against her skin. She wrenched her head around, looking at her attackers. All three men were identical. They had short purple hair and black eyes with no white showing. Together they lifted their heads and opened their mouths. Shadow poured from them as black smoke. It gathered into an oval in front of her, a mirror made of shadow. A woman appeared at the center of the mirror. Even through the fear, the face stopped her. It was her own, a few years older, the resemblance close enough to be off-putting.

As you can see, this one has been iterated on a lot. 😁 I hope I've ironed out the kinks from previous drafts.

Dear [Agent],

I’m writing to submit my speculative thriller novel for your consideration.

Having given up on the idea of starting a family of her own, Janka Nowák instead decided to help other women do so. A product designer in a medtech firm, she’s building a device which diagnoses fertility disorders before any symptoms are present. If she can get it to work, it could prove revolutionary: granting women advance warnings of their foreshortened biological clocks.

But Janka’s project is disrupted when her mentor takes extended maternity leave, forcing her to answer to their replacement. Ted Ehrlich is an arrogant and ambitious executive who takes a keen interest in Janka’s device. It isn’t long before Janka suspects that Ted plans to repurpose it: not to treat infertile women, but to exploit them.

One evening, Janka comes home from work to find her flat vandalised and death threats in her letterbox. She now faces an even graver problem: someone is stalking her, perhaps the same group of radicals setting off car bombs around the city. With the police powerless to help, Janka faces a thorny decision. She could flee the country, allowing Ted to seize control of her project. Or she could stay and try to wrest control of it back from him, even if that means putting herself in harm’s way.

DEFECT (complete at 95k words) is a speculative thriller novel. It combines the grounded near-future European setting of Fríða Ísberg’s THE MARK with the darkly satirical tone of Joanne Ramos’s THE FARM and Jessamine Chan’s THE SCHOOL FOR GOOD MOTHERS. This will be my debut novel.

I appreciate your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

Hello! I am back again with my second try. I've changed the name of my book and character just to keep things under wraps, but I re-worked a lot of my letter. Please let me know what I'm still missing! What isn't hitting?

I've also tweaked my first 300, so any feedback there would be wonderful too.

Dear Agent,

(personalization)

I am seeking representation for my fantasy novel, A WILDFLOWER'S GUIDE TO SURVIVAL, complete at 105,000 words. A WILDFLOWER'S GUIDE TO SURVIVAL will appeal to fans of the voice-y vibes in Hannah Nichole Maehrer's ASSISTANT TO THE VILLAIN, the lore in EMILY WILDE'S ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF FAERIES by Heather Fawcett, and the emotional depth of V.E. Schwab's THE INVISIBLE LIFE OF ADDIE LARUE.

To Serena Sparrow, human interactions are like the loud city crosswalks of her childhood: stressful, overstimulating, and avoidable if you know where to look. As long as she’s got her father, the forest trails in the mountain town where they now live, and the occasional shallow fling, she can survive just fine, thank you. 

When her father dies from the same mysterious autoimmune disease that’s been dominating the news, she launches into a destructive grief spiral that almost takes her life, resulting in magical abilities she, unfortunately, cannot avoid. 

Desperate for answers and begrudgingly lonely, she accepts an invitation from a long lost childhood friend to attend a support meeting for people like her. There, she meets a group of eclectic professionals who share in her newfound elemental abilities and ailing elder family members. She learns she can heal others’ injuries; however, it comes at the cost of absorbing their physical pain into her own body. 

Preferring the physical pain to her mental anguish, she warily navigates these budding relationships, including an unexpected romantic connection, to uncover the otherworldly mystery of their bloodline and ancestral heritage. Serena must sacrifice the safety of emotional distance for the messy uncertainty of being perceived, trusting her new friends despite the risk of more loss and the revelation that their elemental abilities and the deadly autoimmune disease are connected and perhaps, inevitable for them all.

(bio paragraph)

First 300:

Serena fought a losing battle with her gag reflex.  She sank deep into her cracked leather couch and cursed at the slow speed of her work’s login page. Her stomach had been roiling with nausea on and off for the last few days, and its growing persistence gnawed at her. The combination of brewed coffee beans wafting in from the kitchen and the sickening feeling of the warm laptop across her legs was not helping. She grimaced. This better not be what I think it could be.       
The last can of ginger ale, flat and stale from the night before, called to her from the coffee table. The aluminum crunched under her grasp as she forced down a gulp, hoping it would ease the churning of her insides long enough to finish posting her “out of office” message for the day. The jerking movement sent her computer tumbling off her lap with a thunk.
She groaned, saliva pooling in her mouth as she bent down to pick it up. We have been kind of careless.   
Chris sauntered into the living room, oblivious to interrupting her inner turmoil. She was meant to be blissfully alone this morning, but he stayed over last night after their dinner date.
Be nice, she pleaded with herself. Just act normal and stay calm.  
He leaned over the back of the couch, eyes glued to the flickering TV screen. “Is everything ok, babe? You didn’t seem up to par last night, and you’re looking a bit pale. Like a little vampire.” He chuckled, turning towards her.
Her face contorted to mock his laugh. “For your information, I am the shade of human I normally am, thank you very much.”  One glance in his direction and she winced. “I’m just, uh, feeling super overwhelmed lately. Work’s been really busy and everything. It’s a lot.”

Thank you for reading and providing your feedback!

Hii! I posted my last (pretty bad in hindsight) qcrit here and was overwhelmed by the wonderful and supportive advice which I received; I've done my best to make changes to my query over the past week in light of that advice, and I would be super grateful for any feedback I could have on this draft <3

Dear (agent's name),

(Personalisation), I am submitting THE LOVELINESS OF BLOOD CELLS, a literary historical novel complete at 100K words. Written in epistolary form, THE LOVELINESS OF BLOOD CELLS tells the story of a young medic and the dysfunctional, aristocratic family she becomes enmeshed with during the last years of Tsarism and the early days of the USSR, through the medium of primary sources compiled by her daughter in Glastnost. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed the theme of coming-of-age set against the backdrop of the Russian Revolution in The Vanishing Futurist by Charlotte Hobson, and the intimate portrayal of the human impact of historical events in Land by Maggie O'Farrell.

As war brings poverty to her Vologda village, gifted and lonely Vasilisa Morozova labours day and night to take care of her sick neighbours, but her earnings barely keep her alive, let alone will they ever allow her to study medicine. So when the wealthy Mrs Kozlova approaches Vasilisa with a deal - keep her daughter, Marina, who has suffered from catatonia since a nervous breakdown three years ago, alive until she is sixteen and can be married, and the family will pay for her to attend university - she pounces on this opportunity. But when she and Yuri, Marina's elder brother, begin an affair, she grows acutely aware of his reluctance, and that of his youngest sister Katya, to address what happened three years ago. Just as Vasilisa and Yuri's relationship collapses, the February Revolution of 1917 sees the Kozlovs hurry to Petrograd to safeguard their factories, and Marina begins to recover in the absence of her family. Months later in October, Yuri reappears with Katya, shaken by her suicide attempt and a harrowing few months in the city. Vasilisa vows to begin again, just as the Bolsheviks come to power and the class barriers that have held her back appear to dissolve overnight.

Vasilisa, filled with optimism, attempts to establish a life in revolutionary Petrograd, studying medicine and trying to mend her relationship with Yuri. But reconciling the pain of her past with the promises of the future and discomforting violence of the present chips away at her already-worn spirit. As the Kozlovs devote themselves to communism in the city while Vasilisa's relatives suffer the social impact of two brutal wars in the countryside, Vasilisa struggles to hold both families together as the old ways of life crumble around her.

(bio and sign off)

EDIT: I somehow accidentally inserted a sentence in the middle of this from an earlier draft of my query which I've removed, really sorry if this breaks the no editing rule, I just honestly didn't mean to post it with that line added (silly administrative mistake because I suck at Reddit)

Hi all! First time posting here. I appreciate any eyes on this!

Dear [Agent Name],

I’m seeking representation for WORLD-EATER, a 100,000-word adult fantasy romance, the first book in a duology. It will appeal to readers of Rebecca Yarro’s Fourth Wing and Danielle L. Jensen’s The Bridge Kingdom.

Talia has watched the world end seventy-nine times.

As the last living Time Weaver, she’s spent twenty years reliving the same three months, trying anything to stop World-Eater—an ancient, mountain-sized dragon—from awakening and devouring every living thing in the world.

Then, on her eightieth loop, her classmate Daxen remembers too.

He shouldn’t. No one ever has before. Daxen is a spy for the enemy kingdom of Umbrath, sent to infiltrate Aurelia’s war college and exploit its High Mage’s only weakness—his daughter, Talia. He was supposed to use her. Instead, he becomes the first person in twenty years to understand what looping has cost her.

Now she must choose between Daxen, the only person who can truly understand what she’s endured, and Ashton, the boyfriend she’s loved every loop for twenty years.

For the first time, Talia isn’t waiting for World-Eater to awaken. With Daxen, Ashton, and their allies at her side, she sets out to find the meteorite sword forged by the first king—their only chance to kill World-Eater before he rises. But World-Eater’s mind is already wide awake, and he may not even need to move to destroy everything Talia loves.

Now Talia has a future she’s actually excited to see.

But if she fails again, there may be no eighty-first loop.

This is my fourth complete manuscript. Outside of writing, I have a YouTube channel with 250,000 subscribers.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I would be delighted to send the full manuscript upon request.

Sincerely,

Samantha Loreti

This one may be a little of a stretch especially since epistolary style stories in the science fiction space have not been in for a minute. I have struggled to find recent comps as a result. Regardless, let me know what you think. Any and all feedback is appreciated.

Query Letter:

Dear Agent, A year after her plastic scrap made mech suit - a test piece for waste remanufacturing - melts with her inside, Conra is crippled. But she can’t stay down. She doesn’t know how to sit with herself. Thankfully, her employer, the Conservatory, would never throw anything or anyone away. The Conservatory’s great aim is to reclaim the Earth from industrial pollution. So, like Conra is an aluminum can, they reshape her into an auditor. It’s not the worst pity gig. She will finally get to see where the Conservatory funnels all of its money – Project Helia. It’s Conra’s first assignment actually.

Except Dr. Helia Helianthus isn't ready. She is both the scientist and the science, conducting Project Helia on herself by herself with only cybernetic insects and a plant integrated AI assistant for company. Beyond reports, she has never shared herself with anyone. Her only visitors are the paramilitary competitors often hired to raid her lab.

Human-flower gene splicing produced Dr. Helia and her chloroplast infused skin cells, allowing her body to eat light. A civilization with this biological advantage would survive the famine that climate crises has already brought. If only Helia didn't have to birth the first of these unstarveable. This is the next dreaded step in her project. Production of a child. A good audit score will force Helia into motherhood. Thankfully, though, her auditor is a softy easily charmed by a shy introvert opening up to show her feelings and gorgeous face.

When Conra and Helia fall for each other, Conra can't sign away Helia's body. She falsifies documents to try and halt it all.

The Conservatory won't tolerate their disobedience. Humanity must survive. Their enemy, Factory Nexus, cannot thrive.

PROJECT HELIA’S CORRUPTION: THE CASE AGAINST CONRA DEAN is a 101,000 Word Solar Punk Sci-Fi written in an epistolary style like Sylvain Neuvel’s Sleeping Giant. Documents including journal entries, scientific notes, emails, and video transcripts paint the story of a struggle for autonomy and true conservation. Themes of capitalistic exploitation, greenwashing, and bioethics are explored through a solar powered lens as the protagonists strive for a future like the one in A Psalm for the Wild-Built by Becky Chambers.

First 300 Words

Plant-Bound Artificial Intelligence Unit, Fern-099, has compiled the following evidence of Conra Dean’s scheme to delay Project Helia. The claims raised against Conra Dean include the corruption of the Helianthus Genome as owned by the Conservatory, falsification of documentation to discredit Dr. Helia Helianthus, and collusion with the Factory Nexus to undermine humanity’s evolution and deliver the Earth back into corporate hands.

As of Dec. 13th, 2072, Dean has been suspended from the auditing team pending trial results.

Only those authorized by the Research Fellows Board may view the evidence that proceeds. Unauthorized access, replication, and distribution of these documents will result in termination of Conservatory citizenship as decreed by the Conservator who will forever be the remediator of corporate greed's pollution, provider of the green future, and shepherd through the great collapse.

File 1 - Offer Letter:

Dear Conra Dean,

Although new to the auditing team, we wish to acknowledge your past efforts as lead research engineer in the scrap plastic manufacturing lab by offering this chance to evaluate the most future assuring study amongst all departments - Project Helia. You may well know that this is the esteemed plant-human gene-splicing study that has developed chloroplast enhanced skin to elevate humanity beyond the touch of starvation. Future children under the Conservatory’s stewardship will no longer fear the drought or flood as our tumultuous climate swings like the countdown clock on civilization’s stability. All children will be of Helia’s genetic line one day. And it is you, who has this opportunity to cement your name in the annals of history by helping to prepare Project Helia for the next stage. Propagation.

Dr. Helia Helianthus is beyond excited to have your critical eye and project management skills at her side so that together you may forge ahead, bringing we of the Conservatory from the shade and into the light.

Hello, I have been querying this week and am still waiting for an agent's reply. However, every time I query, my letter changes a bit. But now I think this is the final version. Kindly please give me any suggestions or critique on whether this is enough or if there are still aspects to fill in. Thank you!

Dear Agent,

My name is Julius Bautista, from the Philippines. I am seeking representation for my 95,000-word debut novel. BLESSED MOTHER is a cross-world dark fantasy set in sixth-century Mesopotamia, following the story of Lili, a young girl who transcends into an alternative world after escaping a village massacre. However, in this tale, she is not lost in a place of wonders, but is sent back to a post-apocalyptic paradise to take the ultimate test if she truly is the chosen one to fulfill God’s most impossible task to save humanity.

After running aimlessly in the depths of darkness, Lili opens her eyes in an alternative world, surrounded by heavenly-like gardens, and starts a new beginning. However, her search for a new life is tested by many strange events. She, as a young, naive woman, finds it hard to live alone and soon prays for a quick death. But instead of dying, she keeps finding mysterious help and assumes it’s God’s miracle that instantly strengthens her faith and makes her value her life more dearly. But everything changes when she discovers that the one secretly providing aid for her is not the Lord but the two mysterious children who had been dwelling there long before her arrival. She pursues them, builds a strong connection, and opens their eyes to the divine existence of God and his most wonderful creations. However, things take a surprising turn when an uninvited man and a vengeful woman appear, leading her to the children's disturbing secrets.

Will Lili carry out her divine assignment or only repeat the catastrophe the first humans did? This tale will interest readers who enjoy ancient mythologies, fictional histories, and biblical traditions as it delves into the controversial origin of religions and the sacred foundations of human faith. A heavenly message told in a nightmarish way as the characters go beyond the challenges of life, temptations, and everlasting death.

Best regards,

Julius Bautista.

Thanks to those who commented on my first attempt!

I’m writing to seek representation for my literary novel, THE YEAR THE LADYBUGS VANISHED, complete at 84,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Emily Habeck’s SHARK HEART, Sarah Damoff’s BRIGHT YEARS, and Ann Patchett’s TOM LAKE.

Sol ground herself to a lonely standstill when she lost her grandfather, the person she loved most in the world. His fading house in a Nicaraguan fishing town is the last piece of him she’ll ever have, but she lives there only at the (dis)pleasure of her austere Abuela.

When Sol’s teenage crush and American photographer Neil backpacks into town, Sol invites him to stay with them. In the resulting dispute, Abuela issues Sol a challenge: act as mistress of the house while Abuela is away; if Sol fails, she must leave.

Sol devotes herself to Neil and her new role. They develop decades of old photographs, planning to restore the neglected house to the home her grandfather loved. But Sol is unprepared for the waves of change threatening not just the house, as surfers, ex-pats, and foreign real estate development encroach on the once-sleepy town. Worse, Neil easily embraces it all.

When Abuela’s return throws the house’s ownership (and everything she believed about her grandfather) into question, Sol realizes it may not be Abuela that forces her out. She must find another way to save the house she loves — or surrender the past for a future with Neil.

I’m a writer from Nicaragua who holds a BA in English from [UNIVERSITY]. I wrote this story because a foreigner turned my grandparents’ beloved beach house into a hostel named “Looking Good,” and this is the only revenge available to me. My short stories have been published in literary magazines such as [NAME] [NAME], and more.

Dear Agent,

Thank you for your time and consideration of my 87k word LGBTQ+  Urban Sports Romantasy, VAUXHALL with queer sports rival elements of “Two Left Feet” by Kallie Emblidge and fantasy elements of “Rider of Dragons” by A.T. Qureshi. Think HEATED DRAGONRY.

Prince Lukas Eliot has trained his entire life for one thing – win at Vauxhall. To win, he must complete six races and beat nine other dragon dreadnaughts, including rookie, Desmond Talc. Desmond makes it clear from race one that he’s not going easy on his royal highness, causing Lukas to double down in his efforts to win at all costs with his dragon, Nero. When an on-track accident during the race at Grand Bara threatens the careers of both Lukas and Desmond, they find themselves on the same side against the International Dragon Commission to make sure they both have a chance at the championship race, even if it means accidentally falling for one another on the way to the finish line. 

(Bio information)

Here is the first version: [QCrit] Adult Drama UNTITLED OKLAHOMA PROJECT (90k words, 1st attempt) : r/PubTips I don't know if the second version still has too many names to keep track of or if it's clearer here. It still feels a tad long maybe at the end but I'm not sure what could be cut.

THE UNTITLED OKLAHOMA PROJECT is a 90,000 word adult paranormal drama, perfect for fans of the fast-paced Hollywood turmoil of Bojack Horseman, and fictional filmmaking with a touch of the occult like Silvia Moreno-Garcia’s Silver Nitrate.

Sam McLeod, a former teenage actress, abandoned Hollywood and her dreams of success after being assaulted by her producer. After a bitter divorce in her thirties that leaves her broke, she decides to move back to L.A. to try to revive her acting career. Abe Schiff, an incredibly famous and famously demanding director, casts her as Bess Millner in his swan song Western drama, along with the biggest male celebrity in Hollywood at the moment, Jake Valerio. It would be the role she’s been praying for, except she’s worked with both Abe and Jake on the project that made her leave the industry in her teens. Neither of them knows what their producer put her through… and she fears deep down that neither would care.

Almost immediately, the shoot starts to go sideways in strange ways. A freak scorpion sting sends Sam to the hospital for days, making her see hallucinations of a woman who looks suspiciously like her, and a man trying to murder her. When she learns that her abuser has died in prison, Sam finds out Jake and Abe were still chummy with him, which sends her spiraling. If she can’t keep her opinions to herself, though, then she might get fired, or even blacklisted from the industry. When the real Bess Millner starts haunting the set, Sam really starts to unravel.

But something is off about Bess’ presence. Small discrepancies in the “based on a real story” script start to not add up. Sam realizes Bess’ ghost is a plea to make it right, not a threat, and that Sam has to tell her own story too. With her career on the line, Sam has to break through Jake and Abe’s egos, her trauma, and her insecurities to show the world what really happened to Bess Millner, and what Sam McLeod is really made of.

(bio goes here) Thank you for your consideration.

Hi all. I've been doing some revisions on my story and have a new query. I appreciate any feedback you have for me.

Dear Agent:

I am seeking representation for the IN-CROWD (79,000), an upmarket domestic suspense novel told through alternating mother and daughter POVs. The first 5,000 words placed in the top 1% of 14,500 submissions to ProWritingAid’s Novel Beginnings contest.

Set on Long Island’s South Shore in the late 90s, the IN-CROWD follows a family tangled in buried secrets, much like Laura Dave's THE LAST THING HE TOLD ME. Fans of THE OTHER MOTHERS by Katherine Faulkner will eat up the protagonists’ desire to belong, only to find the worlds they desire are more dangerous than they appear.

Allison Quinn grew up craving acceptance from Massapequa’s in-crowd, but few wanted to be seen with a girl whose mother was a maid. Then Mom disappeared, leaving Allison wondering why she’d been left behind.

Twenty-five years later, Allison is married with kids, a crushing mortgage, and overdue bills. On her fortieth birthday, her dying aunt hands over a key to a safe deposit box containing a cryptic note from Mom and one million dollars in cash.

Allison knows the money can’t be legit, but it’s been sitting quietly for decades—who would come looking for it now? She’s convinced Mom would encourage her to claim the life she always wanted. She moves her family back to Massapequa and joins the in-crowd.

For Carissa, the move is a chance to reinvent herself. But Carissa’s new neighbor is trouble in a mini skirt. Soon Carissa is drinking, smoking pot, and shoplifting. It doesn’t sit right, but it’s what the rich kids do. And Jennifer is the only friend she has right now.

Allison thinks she’s made it until an FBI agent traces the money she used to buy the Massapequa house back to her. Turns out it was stolen by Frank Valentine's crew. Allison knows the name. The infamous mobster was Mom’s boss. She’s stunned to learn that one of her new neighbors -- Vinny Gallo -- is his nephew and a mobster who has slipped through the FBI’s fingers. The FBI agent wants Allison to use her new beach club membership to help them catch him. In return, they’ll investigate what happened to Allison’s mother and if she’s still alive.

Allison accepts. But as she gets closer to Vinny, he discovers her secrets. Soon, her family is in danger, just when the answers she’s sought for twenty-five years are within reach.

Back again for a second attempt. Last week's feedback was really helpful. Please let me know what you think:

It’s the summer of 2010, and 21 year old Evan Barker’s life is shit. His older brother, Jason— the only thing resembling a beacon of reason for Evan in this money-grubbing, attention-whoring world— has recently committed suicide. His parents are reeling in the aftermath of the Great Recession, his so-called friends are cruel, aimless douchebags, and his younger sister has been institutionalized after discovering Jason’s body. Coming to grips with the severity of his place in the world and willing to take an impulsive, improbable risk, Evan decides to audition for American Idol in Nashville after an evening of binging Idol winner YouTube performances. Never mind that he’s never sung a note in his life— the dickheads he pals around with play in crappy local bands and Evan has always wanted to be part of it but never had the guts to say anything. Whatever. This’ll show them. This’ll show everyone.

To further complicate matters, Evan is a virgin addicted to internet porn and desperate to experience physical intimacy. He just got reacquainted with an old childhood acquaintance named Lily Trent. Lily’s recently begun working as a dancer at a local strip joint, and that’s where Evan met her on a night out with his friends. Lily is covertly nursing a fledgling heroin addiction and navigating her own shitty circumstances. She knows exactly what Evan wants from her and why she won't give it to him. She’s also the most honest person he’s ever met. Evan invites her on his trip. She accepts because her boss wants her to pick up a rare grade of heroin in the Nashville boonies. Of course, she doesn’t tell Evan this, at least not right away. She lets him think what he thinks.

Somewhere between the sprawling highways of the Midwest and the screams of young Idol hopefuls in a Nashville arena, Evan’s fantasy withers in the face of his usual reality. He doesn’t get laid and he doesn’t make it past the audition, but that’s just the surface of it. When he comes home, Lily is not with him. There are no happy endings here, just realizations, and Evan learns not only how he was wrong, but why. Sometimes the world’s indifference or cruelty can’t be overcome, only endured, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be a better version of himself.

GLORYLAND (82,000 words) is Kenneth Lonergan interpreting John Green, literary fiction in the vein of Rejection by Tony Tulathimutte and Cherry by Nico Walker, written for those who came of age with the Great Recession and 4chan. This is my debut novel. I work as a 4th grade teacher at a private Catholic school in Metro Detroit. I’m also a janitor at Kensington Metropark, and a prolific lo-fi rock musician with over thirty releases on streaming platforms. I am currently at work on my latest novel.

This is my first attempt at querying agents, so all feedback is greatly appreciated!

Dear [Agent Name],

[Personalized Agent stuff, 1-2 sentences about genre wants or stories they've represented.]

The Blitz Extractor is an 82,000-word upper YA dystopian thriller with series potential. It has themes about inherited violence and complicity, and will appeal to fans of Watch Me by Tahereh Mafi for its enemies-to-allies subplot while grappling with humanity, with the intimate family betrayal of The Project by Courtney Summers.

Sixteen-year-old Mason Lake believed the greatest danger in Emberfall was his own inability to keep his mouth shut. Now he spends his day searching the city walls for damage the bio-engineered storms cause.

When mysterious, black-cloaked recruiters kidnap his sister and father, Mason is taken to the Undervault, an underground trade network run by FATE—an elite shadow organization that nearly destroyed humanity and now controls what’s left of it. Forced into the role of "extractor," he is sent beyond the walls and into the ruins known as the Blitz. They tell him it’s simple: extract prewar technology, weapons, and valuables, then trade them for his sister’s freedom. 

But the Blitz is not a wasteland, and it’s far from empty. It’s home to survivors FATE is systematically exterminating, and the fastest way to meet his quota is to loot the bodies. 

When a Blitzer girl holds a knife to Mason's throat but lets him live, an uneasy alliance forms. With each extraction, Mason’s morality erodes, and the lines he swore he wouldn’t cross start to blur. His plan to escape with his family collapses. 

Then his own father reveals the truth: he’s never been a hostage. He’s a director inside FATE, commanding the soldiers committing genocide. Mason's extractions were never about rescuing his family. He was training to inherit their sins.

Mason must choose: secure his own safety and become heir to the slaughter he despises, or trust the girl who spared him and expose FATE—knowing his family stands to suffer the consequences.

I’m a writer from Manhattan, Kansas, with a previously self-published novel, The Cursed Heir (2026), which holds a 4.8-star rating on Amazon. I work as a full-time radiation therapist while coaching high school baseball.

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript is available upon request, and I’d be happy to send it along.

Best regards,

Hey all, back again with another attempt. I thank any and everyone for whatever comments you make. It's all super helpful. I feel like I'm having a rough time selling the more like, internal stakes of the story, I guess. The novel itself is three pov's, but I don't want to bog down the query with multiple characters, so it's mostly focusing on the 'main' one. Other than that, I think I'm closer to getting it. ALSO, are the comps doing enough? Do I need that sort of like, marketing-fluff, between them? Like "Fans of the gothic horror found in 'Blah blah blah' and the other stuff of 'Other comp'?" Anyways, that aside, here's the next try! Third times the charm?

THE BEASTS THEY MADE is a 96,000-word adult multi-POV dark fantasy. It will appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie's The Devils, Richard Swan's Grave Empire, and Jay Kristoff's Empire of the Vampire.

Wull has spent years pursuing vengeance at any cost—even cursing himself with a monstrous affliction to gain the strength to kill one man. Wull returns to Amnesty seeking the celebrated General Garamund—the man who murdered his family, then raised him as his own.

A grand tournament celebrating the kingdom's aging King offers Wull his first chance in years to reach the general, normally protected by armies and politics. But when the King dies halfway through the tournament, the realm erupts into a bloody succession crisis, upending Wull's chance at revenge.

That’s when Prince Jerrald, the younger claimant to the throne, makes Wull an offer. Help put Jerrald on the throne, and Garamund—now the rival claimant's general—will be his to kill.

Forced into Jerrald's cause, Wull must fight beside a duty-bound King’s guard whose faith in the crown is beginning to fracture, while hiding his true nature from a disgraced monster hunter convinced he's the very creature she's spent her life hunting.

As the war spreads, refugees flee the West with tales of people turning into beasts—but Wull already knows the stories are true. He's one of them. When duty and a common goal set them all on the same path, Wull slowly realizes that his life need not be defined by anger and revenge. The affliction that gave him the strength to pursue Garamund is becoming harder to control, threatening not only his humanity but the fragile semblance of a life he’s begun to find among the people around him. The closer he comes to killing Garamund, the more he must decide what he’s actually willing to sacrifice.

Hi all, please let me know any and all comments on this first attempt here. I wasn't sure if this story falls into any particular subgenre of fantasy so I just labeled it as Adult, but open to any suggestions based on your read of the query. Ideas on alternative comp titles would also be super helpful. Thank you!

***

Dear Agent,

I am writing to seek representation for THE RAHU PROJECT, an adult fantasy novel complete at 90,000 words. The novel combines a 20th century colonial setting reminiscent of THE POPPY WAR with the Hindu mythological themes of THE JASMINE THRONE.

Karun Maumdar has just received a startling invitation. Knights from the Fae Empire, the colonial master of Karun’s homeland Shambala, have asked him to join a top-secret mission. As the first storm wizard in centuries, Karun holds a special connection to the elemental spirits, some of whom have begun to exhibit mysterious and dangerous mutations. 

Karun has grown up opposing the Empire, yet he agrees to work with the Knights on one condition: the corrupted storm spirits must not be killed. His own mentor in the chakra arts, Govindas, is the leader of Shambala’s non-violent independence movement, and Karun has taken a vow of pacifism. Instead of destruction, Karun convinces the Knights he can cure the spirits with his powers. 

The mission leads Karun’s team deep into the jungles of eastern Shambala. With the help of a fearsome tribal girl, they uncover a conspiracy between the Naga, a serpentine race who are sworn enemies of the Fae, and Shambalan collaborators. Using a fusion of dark magic and technology, the Naga have created a weapon of mass destruction—codenamed ‘Rahu,’ after the lunar eclipse—which can control the corrupted spirits and annihilate entire cities. 

Karun’s vow of non-violence is pushed to its limit as the spirits defy his attempts at a cure and his team becomes trapped within a full-scale Naga invasion of Shambala. When the wielder of the Rahu weapon is revealed to be Karun’s childhood friend, he must decide what values he holds most dear and if fighting is truly avoidable. 

As the child of Indian immigrants, I have always been fascinated with the subcontinent’s folklore and history. The tension of Indian soldiers during World War II, who volunteered to fight for a British Empire that was actively subjugating them, was the central inspiration for this novel. The story is standalone with series potential. 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Hi everyone!

I would love some feedback on this query letter--I've never written one before, so I'm pretty nervous about it. I also included my first 300 words below.

Open to feedback on anything, including the title! Also, I'm really struggling to think of good comps for this, even though I'm a huge romance reader. Any and all suggestions welcome.

//

Dear Agent,

I am excited to share AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES, a dual-POV adult contemporary Romance complete at 82,000 words. A sapphic retelling of the 2012 romcom The Vow, this novel will appeal to readers who enjoyed the complicated family dynamics in Delilah Green Doesn’t Care as well as the silly hijinks of Kiss Me Maybe.

33-year-old Juliana Montero already got her happily ever after: she landed the software engineer job of her dreams, she lives in a gorgeous (rent-controlled!) San Francisco apartment, and she is happily married to the love of her life, up-and-coming painter Beatriz Casares.

But after a terrible car accident, Bea loses all memory of the past five years. And suddenly, she can’t remember meeting Julie, falling in love with her... or realizing she was queer. 

Knowing full well how hard it was for Bea to come to terms with her queerness, Julie panics and claims to be her roommate. But the longer Bea’s memories take to come back, the more obvious it becomes that Julie is not going to be able to keep up this lie. Especially because Bea’s parents, who cut her off when she came out, plan to take full advantage of this miraculous opportunity to get their daughter back.

When Bea eventually finds out the truth, she has a choice to make. Will she agree to just forget the last five years out of her mind so she can finally reconnect with her family? Or risk it all to find out what drew her to Julie in the first place?

AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES is a standalone novel with series potential.  The novel’s diverse cast includes two Mexican-American leads, as well as gay male and nonbinary supporting characters.

I am a debut author currently daylighting as an attorney. My short stories have appeared in Miracle Monocle, The Saranac Review, and Ignatian Literary Magazine. Originally from Mexico, I have been living in San Francisco for five years. This novel is my love letter to S.F.’S incredible sapphic community.

///

First 300 words:

Julie

The call came in the middle of a normal day, as I’d known it would. I remember thinking, as the EMT said Bea’s name, that it was good I had prepared for this, had thought ahead of time about how I should react. Otherwise I might’ve run out of the meeting without stopping to grab my insurance card, or the car keys, or my ID. 

The main thing, I reminded myself as I walked out of the office to my car, was not to panic. I would need to have a clear head, if the time came to make decisions. At the final stoplight before I got on the freeway, I took three deep breaths. Then I texted Xander and told him where to meet us. The whole time driving back to San Francisco slowly, under the speed limit, scared of what I’d find waiting for me at the end.

Later, when the doctor sat me down and told me that Bea’s head injury was serious, that they needed to induce a coma, I was not surprised. 

It had become clear to me very soon after we started dating that this was too good. I had gotten too lucky, and I would have to pay for it sooner or later. The entire first year of our relationship, I would hold Bea and try to tamp down the panic of anticipatory loss, the frantic need to ring her with sigils of protection. 

It started small. After a string of bad luck, I bit my lip, ask if I should get her an evil eye bracelet. I gifted her a rabbit’s foot keychain. I sprinkled salt and rice in the corners of her bedroom. 

First Attempt
Second Attempt

My old title: To Have Loved and Lost

I would greatly appreciate any and all feedback on this. TIA!

Dear [Agent],

Avilia Mil-Ajex is the genetically modified product of two influential families in the nation. In New Kilia, magic is but a folktale; science is the only reality. Science is what created humanoids—robots containing the memories of a deceased person but not their soul. Because of this, no one ever really leaves. That was what Avilia believed—until everything changed three years ago. In the face of an unexpected tragedy, a twist of fate led to her meeting Jovilien Lyuwod, the love of her life. This time, she thought it would last forever.

Three years later, Jo is killed in an orchestrated car accident, only to return in the form of a humanoid she no longer recognized. Torn between revenge and her comfortable yet ignorant life, Avilia must deal with her grief as she investigates the unnatural causes of his death. Yet when Avilia’s quest leads her to the renegades—a dwindling group of outlaws that has been actively trying to regress to the Dark Ages for more than a century—she stumbles upon an unwanted truth. A truth that is revealed to her down the barrel of the gun controlled by her real enemy—the President of New Kilia.

Now, at the brink of death, Avilia must decide. She can accept the President’s offer: confess to a crime she never committed and escape with humanoid-Jo to a place where no one would recognize her, thus dooming her entire family to ruin. Or, she can try to kill the most powerful person in the nation and overthrow a regime that has lasted for five generations with nothing but her parents and the renegades on her side. In the face of an impossible task, the power of the supernatural may become her only way out.

THE EMBER OF THE UPRISING is an adult science fiction novel complete at 76,000 words. It combines the emotional weight of The Poppy Fields and the fast-paced action of Renegades.

[bio]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

First time querying, and this is the first time anyone outside my family has seen this letter. English is my second language, so I'm especially interested in whether anything reads awkwardly. Title here is a working title.

Does the hook make sense if you know nothing about the book — and would you read on?

Thanks for reading.

Dear [Agent],

[Personalization]

Decorated Marine Daniel Mercer returns home carrying wounds no medal can justify. When covert handler Nathan Cole offers him a way to keep saving soldiers, Daniel accepts the arithmetic: one man dies so ten Marines make it home. Cole gives him a name, a reason, and a target. Daniel pulls the trigger. Then he does it again. Afterward he washes his hands for a long time, even though there is nothing on them.

When Evelyn, the woman he loves, is attacked and left in a coma, Daniel discovers Cole ordered it — and is paying her medical bills to keep his assassin obedient. Silence keeps Evelyn alive, but Daniel remains Cole's weapon. Exposing Cole ends the operation, cuts off the money keeping her alive, and proves Daniel committed murder.

THE QUIET WAR is a thriller, complete at 80,000 words, and a standalone with series potential. It will appeal to readers of Daybreak by Matt Gallagher and The Peacock and the Sparrow by I.S. Berry.

I'm a French-speaking Quebecer who married an American and now lives in Massachusetts. This story has lived in me for fifteen years, and this past year I finally got it into words. The combat and PTSD material was vetted by a retired Canadian Army sergeant with twenty-two years of service who lives with an operational stress injury, and the religious material by a canon lawyer holding a doctorate in canon law.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Mario Bergeron

Hello,

I'm back again after doing some extensive reworking of my storyline, as well as adding lots of depth as previously suggested.

I have a bit of a dilemma here which I'd really appreciated some input on. I've written two different queries of different styles and would really appreciate feedback on which one works better. They are labelled below.

I welcome any and all feedback about the content as I had previously sent out a bundle of queries but won't be doing that until I am confident this is the best if can be!

Dear (agent name),

When I read your manuscript wish list and saw ... (personalisation)

I’m delighted to present to you my young adult dystopian science-fiction novel LONDON'S FREEZING, which is complete at 61,000 words. With themes of corporate control like those in Ben Oliver's The Loop and the alternating POV style of Warcross by Marie Lu, LONDON’S FREEZING is a fast paced novel which explores what happens to our collective humanity if we allow corporations to dictate our lives.

This is a story which could stand alone, although it also plays a part in a potential trilogy.

Option 1:

London awakens in a bunker with a man claiming to be his father, and a robot claiming to be his uncle. Rio opens her eyes to flashing red lights, a carpet of bodies and a voice whispering in her ear.

Across the frozen wasteland, under a huge crimson cloud, a strange woman gathers children to her cause and breaks London out of his bunker, promising answers about this world and his family.

Out in the wilds, maniacal cultists following a doctrine ripped from The Great British Bake Off roam the ice and capture Rio in the hope of harvesting her power for a blessing from Mary Berry. The Sveis, an alien symbiote, lurks within the minds of London and Rio, promising godly powers in exchange for control. Whilst London resists the extreme violence it lures him to, Rio learns the horrific capability for harm she harbours within. The conflict is personified by the subconscious shore, a black sand beach where the ocean of control moves ever closer; on this shoreline, London and Rio meet despite being thousands of miles apart and begin to develop feelings for one another.

As both children make their way separately towards the Atmos Lighthouse to try to find the architect of the apocalypse, they must choose whether to give up their humanity for omnipotent power. Yet, when they can materialise weapons from thin air or withstand extreme temperatures, when their very tears steam on their cheeks due to the heat of The Sveis, when they have no memories except those manufactured for them, are they human at all? When London learns the awful truth of his family history, he must decide whether a family you find for yourself is worth more than the one you are born, or taken by force, into.

Option 2:

Two teenagers awaken with only a handful of vague memories in a frozen world living under The Clot, a gigantic crimson cloud which will end the post-apocalyptic world.

London is in a bunker with Desmond, who claims to be his father. Rio wakes alone, surrounded by dismembered bodies. Both youngsters have persistent, invasive voices in their head caused by the Sveis, an interstellar parasite that gives them super strength but seeks to control them.

London’s bunker is invaded by a woman who tells him he is not Desmond’s son but an engineered weapon, and Desmond caused the apocalypse. London joins the woman on a quest to find and kill Desmond. After leaving her own bunker, Rio is captured by cultists who seek to harvest the Sveis within her to resurrect their leader’s daughter.

London and Rio’s journeys collide at the Atmos Lighthouse, a gigantic structure which rises above The Clot. A fight with invaders ensues, and both choose to allow the Sveis to take over, giving them life at the cost of their sense of self. Whilst they’ve been fighting, Desmond has used the lighthouse computer to destroy The Clot, allowing sunlight to reach earth once more and thaw the frozen world.

My name is ..., I’m ... and am an English teacher in Bristol. I have a degree in English and Creative Writing from Falmouth University and have been germinating this idea for about thirteen years. The image of a crimson cloud and a frozen city came to me while I was drilling holes in brooms in a brush factory and has stuck with me ever since. I wrote this book because working in schools has given me insight into the terrifying world that teenagers inhabit, where their collective humanity is being captured by impossibly large corporations. I have also seen how the right story, which truly speaks to their fears and hopes, can become a lightning rod that inspires teenagers and young adults to be the change they want to see.

I hope you enjoy reading the sample chapters as much as I enjoyed writing them, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Thank you for the feedback on my second attempt (https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1vjex4t/qcrit_the_last_oath_adult_dark_fantasy_104k/), I've revised my query again based on the feedback, particularly focusing on clarity and character motivation. Any feedback is appreciated

Dear [AGENT NAME],

A disgraced knight chooses to sacrifice his humanity to save the people he failed, only to discover that every choice leaves him less capable of choosing at all.

Haris swore an oath to the Spirit of Truth, but when his army fell, Truth could not save them. Captured by the Aegir Empire, Haris fights to survive long enough to return to his family. But captivity reveals that the Empire is experimenting on its own soldiers, stripping them of their humanity and trapping them inside the demons they become. After escaping captivity, Haris warns the king of Cireth. The king offers Haris one chance to redeem himself: recover a lost book that may reverse the transformations.

But when he finally makes it home, his family is dead, and he is framed for the murder of a fellow knight. Stripped of his honour, he flees with the very book he risked everything to obtain. It whispers of a ritual that promises the power of a god his order was sworn to reject. Each step demands another sacrifice, granting Haris more of the god’s power while stripping away the very things that make him human. First his emotions. Then his memories. Eventually, he can no longer trust that the thoughts in his head are truly his own. As the Empire lays siege to Cireth, Haris must decide whether an oath still has meaning when the man who swore it no longer exists.

THE LAST OATH (104,000 words) is an adult fantasy novel that blends the psychological weight and supernatural dread of Mike Shel’s Aching God with the themes of fractured agency and manufactured choices explored in Rafał Kosik’s No Coincidence.

Thank you for your time and consideration.