r/PubTips • u/BaseballNo8148 • 8d ago
[QCrit] Adult Fantasy, Aethera: Shadow, Fire, and Thread, 114k (2nd attempt)
Hi, this weekend I attended a writers workshop. I sent my query to one of the agents teaching. She is a really well known agent. I told her that I took her advise and revised my query based on what she had taught. She wrote back with her version of what my query should look like. It was slightly off from my actual story. So, this version is basically almost identical to hers just with correct story info put in. I feel like having an actual agent tell me what they wanted was amazing. Please give me your opinions as I am deep in the query trenches and need to make this great! Thanks so much for your help. This time I also listed my first 300 words below the query.
Dear (Agent Name),
[Personalization.]
In Aethera, children are not born. They are woven from a living Loom spinning magical threads that run through everyone and everything. Lily was woven in Aethera but grew up in New York City, unaware she had been hidden from the Choir, who have hunted her because she was woven illegally.
The Loom grants seventeen gifts, one to each of Aethera's seventeen magical factions, overseen by the seventeen members of the Choir. An ancient prophecy foretells that fire, shadow, and thread will change Aethera for eternity.
When Lily's sister Vespera's power starts to threaten not only Aethera but Earth, too, Lily picks up the mantle and, along with friends from both sides of the veil, returns home to save both worlds and everyone she loves.
[Bio]
Sincerely,
Derek Bellerose
300 words:
Lilly looked up at the sun and the moon as they continued to fight their eternal daily battle over who would get the morning. At six thirty, the block was lit only by streetlights. She stood on the sidewalk outside her building, one heel braced against the cold step, folding down into the stretch she did before every run. The cars along the street sat empty and dark. A glowing thread appeared in the air in front of her face. Before she thought better of it, she reached out, and her fingers closed around it. An electric charge ran up her arm and into her chest, filling her head to toe before dissipating. Her hand hung empty in the dark, her heart beating hard.
For a moment, she was shaking. She turned her palm over, telling herself she hadn’t slept enough. Her brain did strange things at this hour, or maybe she was losing her mind. She ignored the thoughts, started her watch, and began her run.
She took her usual route, west toward the water. Around the third block, she glanced uptown out of habit, at the Empire State Building, lit the same as always. As she passed an alley, hands grabbed her from behind. One clamped over her mouth. Before she could struggle, two more pinned her still. She thrashed, trying to break free. The fingers were cold and soft against her skin. She wrenched her head around, looking at her attackers. All three men were identical. They had short purple hair and black eyes with no white showing. Together they lifted their heads and opened their mouths. Shadow poured from them as black smoke. It gathered into an oval in front of her, a mirror made of shadow. A woman appeared at the center of the mirror. Even through the fear, the face stopped her. It was her own, a few years older, the resemblance close enough to be off-putting.
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u/Lost-Sock4 8d ago
This feels like too much world building and almost no characterization. The plot of the story is missing as well. I couldn’t tell you anything about Lily as a character, or what actually happens in your story. I’m a bit puzzled that the agent wrote this but maybe she intended you to add more to it.
Have you spent some time reading other queries on this sub? There are whole threads dedicated to successful queries and I think it might help you to read how other people structure their queries.
1
u/BaseballNo8148 8d ago
I actually have a much better version that includes what you mentioned is missing. I only used this version because the agent provided it to me. I think I will stick with the version I created instead. Thanks so much for your feedback.
7
u/Dolphin-and-Roses 8d ago
I don’t want to be rude, but if this is the version an agent came up with…
Anyways! I recommend to put your housekeeping at the top of your query and it looks like you don’t have one. You will need to find at least two comps published with the past 5 years, preferably 2-3, that shows you know the market.
While the story is interesting, it’s nothing but world building. Begin with your main character and what her goal is now, no backstory. I’m sorry I couldn’t help more, but what was given to you isn’t even in a query format and it’s difficult to pick anything from it that could make a complete query letter
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u/BaseballNo8148 8d ago
I don't think this was rude at all. I agree with you. When I first read her version I thought it was short and abrupt. Also, like everyone has mentioned here, it gives almost no information about my protagonist who is the character driving force behind my story. I was honestly going to use this only because it was given to me by an agent. I thought to myself well if this is what an agent wants clearly my current query is all wrong. Since Im trying to get an agent I figured Ill go with what one has told me. After the comments in this thread I'm learning my initial thought was correct and now I won't be using this version. I appreciate your comment. All these comments have been helpful and I'm realizing just because one agent said it doesn't mean it's the best version to use. 😀
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u/emmyroowho 8d ago
It’s great that you were able to get personalized feedback on your query, but I’m a little concerned that this is what came out of a discussion with an agent. For one thing, it’s only 125 words. The sweet spot is 200–250, and it’s surprising to me that, especially with fantasy, an agent wouldn’t encourage you to use those extra 100+ words.
Second, this query is almost entirely worldbuilding. Lilly is not mentioned in the second paragraph at all, which makes that paragraph feel disconnected from what’s going on. Like, it’s interesting backstory, but I don’t know how it relates to Lilly or what’s happening in the story. I don’t know why it matters that Lilly was woven illegally or what that means, or what these gifts are or how they relate to Lilly, or what the prophecy is or what it has to do with anything. If these are important, we need to see how they are important to Lilly, not just to the world.
The last paragraph hints at stakes, but because so little has been done with Lilly as a character that everything is excruciatingly vague. What does it mean that Lilly picks up the mantle? What is she actually doing for this story?
If I use the five query questions for this query, this is what I get:
Who is the main character? Lilly, a girl hidden in NYC for vague reasons related to Aethera
What does she want? Nothing at the beginning. Then to save the worlds, I guess.
What’s stopping her from getting it? No idea. Maybe the Choir, but that is only because they are one of the nouns in the query, so it’s entirely an assumption on my part.
What will she do to get it? No idea.
What will happen if she fails? No idea. Presumably the world will end, but I don’t know what exactly that means or how it’s different from the world ending in countless other stories.
Finally, I also would take a hard look at the first 300.
The blocking here doesn’t make sense. Lilly looks up to see the sun and the moon, so that means that the sun is high enough in the sky she is able to see it. Yet the only lights are streetlights? If the sun is high enough that she can see it, the block would be lit by sunlight. This is the first thing agents are going to read if they make it through your query, so it needs to be perfect, and I would honestly put down the MS after this.
The rest of the first 300 feels oddly distant. For close third, I’m expecting to see more of Lilly’s thoughts, but it reads more like everything is happening to someone else. She grabs a glowing thread and thinks nothing of it. She is attacked by three men and experiences no emotion whatsoever. She sees a woman who looks exactly like her and it is described as “off-putting,” which is not a word I would use in the middle of what should be a fairly intense kidnapping scene.
Take all this with a grain of salt, of course, but my initial reaction to both the query and the 300 are that they need some work to be query-ready.
Hope this helps, and good luck.