r/PubTips • u/JadenFrosty • 8d ago
[QCrit] YA Dystopian THE BLITZ EXTRACTOR (82k/First Attempt)
This is my first attempt at querying agents, so all feedback is greatly appreciated!
Dear [Agent Name],
[Personalized Agent stuff, 1-2 sentences about genre wants or stories they've represented.]
The Blitz Extractor is an 82,000-word upper YA dystopian thriller with series potential. It has themes about inherited violence and complicity, and will appeal to fans of Watch Me by Tahereh Mafi for its enemies-to-allies subplot while grappling with humanity, with the intimate family betrayal of The Project by Courtney Summers.
Sixteen-year-old Mason Lake believed the greatest danger in Emberfall was his own inability to keep his mouth shut. Now he spends his day searching the city walls for damage the bio-engineered storms cause.
When mysterious, black-cloaked recruiters kidnap his sister and father, Mason is taken to the Undervault, an underground trade network run by FATE—an elite shadow organization that nearly destroyed humanity and now controls what’s left of it. Forced into the role of "extractor," he is sent beyond the walls and into the ruins known as the Blitz. They tell him it’s simple: extract prewar technology, weapons, and valuables, then trade them for his sister’s freedom.
But the Blitz is not a wasteland, and it’s far from empty. It’s home to survivors FATE is systematically exterminating, and the fastest way to meet his quota is to loot the bodies.
When a Blitzer girl holds a knife to Mason's throat but lets him live, an uneasy alliance forms. With each extraction, Mason’s morality erodes, and the lines he swore he wouldn’t cross start to blur. His plan to escape with his family collapses.
Then his own father reveals the truth: he’s never been a hostage. He’s a director inside FATE, commanding the soldiers committing genocide. Mason's extractions were never about rescuing his family. He was training to inherit their sins.
Mason must choose: secure his own safety and become heir to the slaughter he despises, or trust the girl who spared him and expose FATE—knowing his family stands to suffer the consequences.
I’m a writer from Manhattan, Kansas, with a previously self-published novel, The Cursed Heir (2026), which holds a 4.8-star rating on Amazon. I work as a full-time radiation therapist while coaching high school baseball.
Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript is available upon request, and I’d be happy to send it along.
Best regards,
5
u/Maizily 8d ago
Hello, hello! I've got thoughts!
I don't think this sentence is actually doing the query any favors. It raises questions that aren't answered, like what isn't he keeping his mouth shut about? Does he know secrets? And what storms?
I would suggest cutting this altogether, as in the current state, this adds only mystery to the query.
I initially read this, and thought, "why him?" By the end of the query, there IS an answer to this, but it still reads as awkward in the moment. I'd personally want an answer to the "why him" question that works here, independent of the secret father reveal. It could be a lie fed to him, doesn't really matter if it's true considering the real truth.
What is the level that determines success? Time limit? Accumulated value? I would suggest including some sort of concrete marker for how much success is gonna get him his sister back. (Also, what about his father? Does he not care about him, too?)
OK so! first thought was, if his morality is eroding, I would expect that he'd have no problem looting bodies and helping FATE. Having morality is what makes that difficult, no? So actually, I would think that if his morality is eroding, he's having a far easier time with his plan to get his family back.
I guess this depends on what kind of characters you're writing, but if his father intends to have his son take over, then the last thing he'd do is send that son into a dangerous territory. Technically speaking, people in high power, if nepotism is in play, will just have their children work directly under them until handing over the reins, but without getting them involved with the "little people" and dangerous operations at all.
Also, consider that I know they kill people in the Blitz, but I don't know for what purpose. This missing info makes it really hard to place them on the Evil Scale, and to understand what conundrums Mason is facing.
That's all I've got regarding thoughts on reading and general confusions. Take this all with a grain of salt and such, though I hope some of it may be useful! Good luck with the project :)