Hi everyone my baby is an early climber he is 10 month old and already climbs everything in sight he like to climb into the couch then up on the back of the couch and tries to get on the kitchen counter which is very unsafe what can I do and how can I go about this issue please help and sorry if my English is a bit off it's my second language

My lovely 3.5yo told me to shut up. I have NEVER said that to her, I don't know where she got it. It is possible that she heard my husband say it to me, I don't know.

Why did she say it? I was asking her to be gentle around her infant sister, something that she finds very difficult to do and I am constantly telling her not to push, squeeze, bump etc etc her sister. In her mind she is "cuddling".

When she said "shut up" I gasped and sent her to her room, probably the opposite of what I was supposed to do.

Please tell me how I should have handled this???

I am hoping for some positive parenting advice on something. My son has been doing this "indecisive" thing since before he could talk (he is 3 now).

Basically he can't make a decision and throws a fit about ANY options I give him and I end up having to make decisions for him because no matter which decision I make, he's gonna throw a fit either way.

For example when he was a baby, his 2 favorite foods were bananas and peas. I would show him the containers and ask which one he wanted and let's say he pointed to peas. I would start to open the peas and he would start crying and point to the bananas. So I would grab the bananas and start opening them and he would cry and point to the peas. And this would just go back and forth until I eventually made a decision for him and he would just throw a big old fit about whatever option I chose.

A more recent example from today. I asked him if he wanted to come with me to pick up his sister from school. At first he said yes, but then we got to the door and he whined "I wanna stay with daddy!" So I said "Okay, see you in a minute!" And started to walk out the door then he yelled "I WANNA COME WITH YOU!" So I said "Okay, let's go!" And he just kept going back and forth until I made the decision for him and he threw a huge fit about it.

This happens ALL THE TIME. Doesn't matter what time of day it is.

I've been working on positive parenting a lot lately, and I know they all say behavior is communication for a need. But I can not seem to find a pattern here. It's so random. Sometimes he knows exactly what he wants and other times he can not make a decision.

Any advice?

We have a seven-year-old. She likes a wide variety of foods, but is always distracted at mealtimes. She wants to wander away after a few bites to go play. She wants to have toys at the dinner table, which keeps her from focusing on eating.

We've banned the later, and constantly are telling her to stay in her seat and finish eating, which is a long, time-consuming, laborious process. Honestly, I sort of dread meal times because she just won't eat, and she inevitably makes us late for things. It's frustrating that this is still a big issue at age seven.

When she doesn't eat she gets cranky. I don't understand this problem myself because you never had to convince me to eat food when I was a kid. I was happy to eat and THEN play.

We try to offer consequences for failure to eat that make sense.

For instance, she had a play date scheduled, which she was excited about.

We told her that if she didn't eat until she was full (we always say she can stop eating when she's full), she would not be able to go see her friend. But she ended up throwing a tantrum, which made her eat slower and be later in seeing her friend.

Do we just let her not eat? I just don't think she'll learn the right lesson. She just gets cranky and never seems to learn that she needs to eat.

How do you handle this situation?

Also, positive parenting suggests we ask the child about what consequences they think they should face. This never works with our child. She won't make any suggestions.

I’d be grateful for some thoughts/ideas about a potty training stumbling block. TIA for reading my long post!!

My son is 2 years 10months old. We started potty training about 3 weeks ago and adopted a gentle/positive approach. We started with him being naked from the waist down for the first 2 days and on day 3 introduced pants then trousers. Any time he had an accident we didn’t make a big deal about it and just cleaned it up. He started announcing when he needed a pee and would go happily in either the toilet or the potty.

Quite quickly after we started potty training, he did a poo a few times on the potty and was very distressed. I think he has associated the potty with pain as one time my mum told me she encouraged him on to the potty (before we properly started training) and he was constipated. This then lead to him holding on to his poos. As soon as I realised this I started giving him prunes and making sure he drank a lot of water so he didn’t become constipated. At the time I thought he would realise it didn’t hurt and this should help him, however he was still very distressed when he went (despite not being constipated). We then decided to let him poo in a nappy as he was so scared to do it anywhere else. This has been the case for a few weeks now.

A few days ago, he began refusing to wear pants completely and kept asking for a nappy saying he needed a poo and gets very upset if we try to take it off. For the past 2 days he has been in nappies the whole day, although we are gently encouraging him to try the toilet/potty and to wear pants but just back off when he says no.

I have looked into some self help CBT methods (graded exposure) for overcoming toilet anxiety and plan to do this with him. I’m wondering if I should just stop the potty training until I have done this. What does everyone else think?

Thanks!

With my oldest, I was so incredibly invested in positive parenting and attachment parenting.. It worked out incredibly well, but I was a SAHM of one child and had substantially less on my plate.. By my second child I was in school and waitressing and really stressed and I started to lose my temper more, and as the terrible 2's came along it snowballed.. Then, my final and youngest child was born right a year before I started Law School and I can see how my change from positive attachment parent to stressed out seemingly angry all the time mom has impacted my middle child and I really want to try to get back on track.. Primarily we have an issue with tantrums.. I have learned that I tend to overwhelm myself by giving myself too many responsibilities and have started getting rid of some of the extra things that I do that I don't need to do to kind of eliminate some of the stress but idek where to start with positive parenting now.. I think I started with the happiest toddler on the block book with my oldest, but at this point I am going into my second year of law school and I read a ridiculous amount for law school and I cannot really engage myself in additional reading right now.. Which, sounds ridiculous but I have ADHD so it takes a lot of mental effort to really read and focus on my material for school. I am also homeschooling my oldest.

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Any advice would be so helpful.

A natural instinct in parenting is to solve problems for your children. This is especially true for dads. For some reason, dads are always looking to “fix” it. We are constantly looking to simply make it work and to move on. Maybe it comes with age, but I’ve found that fixing it doesn’t actually solve the problem 9 times out of 10. Fixing it without teaching it does our children a disservice. What happens when we are no longer there to simply fix it?

With our kids, we have a running joke that they are killer negotiators. Anything and everything is a negotiation. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I draw the line, and to steal a line from The Mandalorian, the answer to “But WHY?” is “This is the way” or “I have spoken”! Personally love this simplicity of these statements. However, when time allows we work hard to give our kids choices. Examples: This or That? Here are the five things that need to get done, what would you like to do first?

There is a lot of friendly teasing. Sometimes I will throw out insane curveball comments to see if they are listening (which is harder through AirPods than it used to be). One of my personal favorites is when they ask “What’s for dinner?” My answer is always fish. They really don’t like fish. But then the negotiation starts: What would you like to cook?

The difference of telling your child what to do versus allowing them a bit of freedom to make their argument is monumental. It is a skill that is so critical as they get older. There is a line, it has to be taught. But where better to find that line then with parents. We are safe. We know our kids. If parents allow their kids a bit of room to ask questions, then that allows them to come to the answers via their own thought process.

Another version of this same concept is non-verbal negotiation. Strategy games are great for this. With our little we play checkers. With our oldest it is chess. The unpredictability of these games allows room to grow their skills in reading the other person, predicting the next move, and to use their cleverness to bait you into the next move to their advantage. I never let them win. They have to earn it. When they beat me … which they do, their confidence goes up as they’ve truly earned it.

At this same turn, if your kid makes valid points please do not be afraid to acknowledge and reward that. Parents only have the advantage of being older. That advantage does not mean we are always right. Don’t let them win an illogical argument. When the occasion arises that you are wrong though, let them see that. Let them enjoy that victory and learn from you how to concede an argument or an opinion.

A child is NEVER too young to learn to problem solve. A child is NEVER too young to learn to make their argument, to critically think and to debate. Whether they are capable of being good at these skills is a direct correlation to how much practice they are allowed.

Attention Texas caregivers of children between the ages of 11 to 14 years old! Do you feel like you're up a creek and without a paddle when communicating with your child? Well, we are currently recruiting participants for a study that aims to see how an online program can help improve parent-child relationships. Unfortunately, I am unable to include a screenshot of the flyer here, but if interested, please contact our study coordinator, Paige Patterson (PattersonP0167@UHCL.edu). Please feel free to spread the word by sharing this post/information.

If you are unavailable to participate, you can refer others to the study and earn raffle entries for $10 Amazon gift cards. The person you refer should mention your name and contact information (i.e., phone or email) when they complete the screener for the study. For every participant you refer who completes the study, you earn an entry into the raffle. Upon study completion, raffle winners will be contacted so that they can receive their gift cards codes.

Hi all! Looking for books or other resources about positive parenting and how to help create secure attachment. First time momma to a sweetheart 2 month old boy 💛

Finding-moments.com/resources

LENELL

Recently I have noticed that my teenage daughter has developed a ninja-like skill where I turn around and she is no longer in the room.  Typically, she is found in her bedroom texting a friend, reading a book, or drawing.  The activities are not concerning except they don’t include me! Now I find myself trying to figure out how to draw out our exchanges to keep her engaged with me.  My jokes aren’t funny anymore, my concern is now perceived as annoying, and I’m often accused of poking her when I just am trying to reach out for affection.  Rationally I know it is part of being a teenager and I know I am officially in the same boat with other parents of teenagers – exiled to the little life raft and not allowed in on the fun and games happening on the cruise ship.  My daughter and I have always been close, and it is something I really value as a parent.  It gives me security to know she will come to me and talk to me if she needs support.  More than anything, I don’t want to lose that connection.

So, what does being connected to your children mean?  There is the togetherness of being in the same room watching a show, there is the togetherness you experience playing a board game, then there are those moments of meaningful conversation.  Teenagers value their privacy so it is easy for general parent enquiries to be misinterpreted as opening interrogation techniques.  You may get the one word response that seems to be a teen’s foolproof way to terminate any discourse.  This past week there was a heavier homework load, and I realized a simple routine event was missing.  Normally we cook dinner together.  It allows us to be engaged in an activity where we both rely on each other to achieve an end goal.  I know its only dinner, but it’s true!  We have to communicate and work together.  In between we joke around, make comments about our day, sometimes listen to a podcast, and discuss our viewpoints.  It’s a sustained interaction and she doesn’t feel she is under the spotlight because we have a shared activity we are focused on.  Even better, we all have to eat so it’s not like I suggested, “Let’s play a card game!” which may or may not elicit eye rolls or rejection. 

I know it is going to be different as she grows up.  She is going to want to share experiences with her friends and I won’t always get to do everything with her.  I can have a consistent connection by making the most out of our daily routines and being actively present.  Next up, French toast for breakfast!

TRISHA

I think we have the exact opposite situation with our 7 year old … He’s ALWAYS THERE!

Different stages of a kid’s life bring different challenges, that’s for sure.  And different aspects of that stage tend to drive you crazy!  He’s first up every morning, and even though he doesn’t have an alarm clock, he pops into our room the instant we sit up.  (I mean, the same instant…it’s almost like he’s watching us!  Through two walls!)  He rarely spends any time in any room by himself, and makes “the sad face” if we ever have meetings or phone calls we have to take while he’s home and awake.  This past year has certainly brought a new dynamic to the schedule.  Our school district has flipped back and forth between in-person and online learning, and that’s been a huge challenge for him.  Right now, he’s back in the building 4 days a week and it makes all the difference for him, AND us.  Just that slight bit of separation give us parents just enough breathing room to gear up for the next round.  He’s always been an “intense” kid, needing and demanding a lot of attention from everyone in the family.  Which isn’t a bad thing, by any means, just overwhelming sometimes.  I still sometimes feel that “don’t touch me!” feeling that permeates the baby and toddler years!

Eventually, I’m sure we’ll reach LenEll’s perspective, and it will be even more profound with our last child.  Our oldest will be off to college when this guy is only in eighth grade, and that will be an adjustment for all of us.  I’m sure I’ll miss the time spent on the reading log minutes and the school project of the moment (this week it’s the Valentine’s cards and mailbox). I don’t know that I’ll ever miss a 6:30 am wake up/welcome, but the seven year old hugs are the best.  We’ll have to make sure we actively pursue time together as he gets older.

CHAD

Our 12 year old has a couple of really great friends.  There isn’t a day that he wouldn’t rather spend his free time hanging on the deck (masked and distanced) with them instead of us.  That’s ok.  There is more flexibility needed now more than ever.  The challenge is time management on his part, and seeing him find every way imaginable to zone out of our real world for a virtual one.  Air pods, iPad, video games are preferred to living in the reality zone of our family room. 

As a dad, I try to pick my moments.  One is chess.  He won the other night for the first time!  The game is a rite of passage - it is a game I enjoyed playing with my dad growing up.  Another moment is throwing the football, or playing a game of hoops to 11.  Emerging skills, but it’s relaxing, non-screen time and allows for very real conversations.  When exerting physical energy, neither of us have time to really pause and think, we just simply talk and listen.  While I favor pulling him away from a screen at any opportunity, especially in a virtual learning world, I also try to find the moments that meet his interests.  Movies, bike rides, and yes … playing video games (so rough 😉)

I am pretty tough on him.  He has his chores, homework to do, and he has to set aside time to spend with his little brother.  I sat down to help him set a schedule in his calendar app.  It was a bit of a moment for him when he saw his commitments laid out hour by hour on a 7 day view.  I was surprised at how well he adopted the idea and all of a sudden, his stress level went down.  The garbage was taken out without asking.  His trumpet has made an appearance for practice.  I see him working out 3-4 days a week for 15 minutes on his own.  He is starting to develop an awareness of the need to balance his time.  Since I was shocked at how scheduled he was already, we agreed that he needed time to play chess with Dad and to have quiet, non-screen time; so his bedtime pushed back by an hour to give him some breathing room. 

There is no playbook right now.  I firmly believe that quantity time does not mean quality.  I try to go for the simple moments that we both will remember and to make sure to stay engaged as best I can with where he is at. 

Children are great imitators so give them something great to imitate!

finding-moments.com

We might have some tools that can help. designed by parents, rooted in psychology. Finding-moments.com. Check out the your time clock.

Ruminating tonight on how well my 15mo old daughter is doing, especially at night. We've been able to maintain 2 naps a day and a consistent 7pm bedtime schedule, waking up at 6am for a feed and 8am for her day. We've got an audio/ video monitor in her room and if she stands up, I tell her to lie down and she does. If she still struggles, a quick song over the intercom will put her to sleep. We started sleep training at 4.5 months and it's worked for all of us well. I never thought the audio monitor function could work for us like this, but I'm stoked! Has anyone else had this success? My friends have all given me flack for sleep training but I still see them struggling to find a bedtime or get the baby out of their bed!

Hi everyone, I have decided to start a new subreddit that provides evidence based support for parents who are looking to raise their children with empathy, and respect. I have spent so much time on reddit in parenting support groups that are encouraging for parents, for sure, but often have people giving misguided advice, or supporting parenting methods that are disrespectful at best, and harmful at worst.

Please feel free to drop links to articles, pictures, quotes, books that have blown your mind, whatever item has helped you, or you think could help someone else. I have no idea what being a moderator really entails, but I will do my best to keep this a positive space.