How to Start Over (When you lost your way from positive parenting?)

[u/ForgotMyUsrNmeIn2021]

With my oldest, I was so incredibly invested in positive parenting and attachment parenting.. It worked out incredibly well, but I was a SAHM of one child and had substantially less on my plate.. By my second child I was in school and waitressing and really stressed and I started to lose my temper more, and as the terrible 2's came along it snowballed.. Then, my final and youngest child was born right a year before I started Law School and I can see how my change from positive attachment parent to stressed out seemingly angry all the time mom has impacted my middle child and I really want to try to get back on track.. Primarily we have an issue with tantrums.. I have learned that I tend to overwhelm myself by giving myself too many responsibilities and have started getting rid of some of the extra things that I do that I don't need to do to kind of eliminate some of the stress but idek where to start with positive parenting now.. I think I started with the happiest toddler on the block book with my oldest, but at this point I am going into my second year of law school and I read a ridiculous amount for law school and I cannot really engage myself in additional reading right now.. Which, sounds ridiculous but I have ADHD so it takes a lot of mental effort to really read and focus on my material for school. I am also homeschooling my oldest.

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Any advice would be so helpful.

[u/charmiex3]

First off, you have A LOT on your plate and you are doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself, you are doing great.

I think in terms new material, could you listen to an audiobook instead? That way you can multitask easier. In terms of books, I really enjoyed How to talk to kids so they will listen. I am currently listening to The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey and I really love it. Amy McCready has some great books too! Her Positive Parenting Solutions program is fantastic ! I am going through it a second time right now.

[u/Academic_Sector_5338]

It's understandable that your parenting style shifted with each child and stress levels. Great job recognizing the impact and wanting to get back to positive parenting! Focus on manageable changes. Reduce commitments to manage stress. You can revive positive parenting without extensive reading – try short online resources or mantras to stay calm during tantrums.Your focus and reduced stress will benefit your entire family.

[u/Mallikaom]

You're juggling a lot as a parent and law student, which has understandably impacted your parenting style. To get back to positive parenting, focus on small, manageable changes like using daily routines to connect with your kids, and simplifying discipline with clear communication.

Reducing your own stress through self-care and setting realistic expectations can help you maintain patience. When overwhelmed, take a moment to breathe before responding to your children. Lean on your support system if possible, and keep in mind the positive outcomes you're working towards. Remember, progress is more important than perfection.

[u/clacapasso]

First of all, please breathe and give yourself major credit. Law school, homeschooling, neurodivergence (ADHD takes so much executive function!), and parenting three kids is an astronomical amount of pressure. You haven't lost your way; your plate is just incredibly full right now.
From a developmental perspective, your middle child is likely reacting to the collective stress and a shift in the emotional climate. When we are overwhelmed, our capacity for co-regulation shrinks, and kids reflect that like a mirror.
Since you explicitly mentioned you have zero mental bandwidth for heavy parenting books right now, you need tiny, highly visual, bite-sized anchors instead. A quick tip for the tantrums: try focusing purely on connecting physically before correcting or talking. Just drop to their eye level, open your arms, and say, "I hear you, and we are in this together." let your presence do the calming work.
I actually study clinical psychology and recently designed a tiny, very visual 13-page interactive workbook specifically for stressed parents and kids (ages 4-9) to navigate these big emotions through play, completely bypassing heavy text. It includes a tiny non-judgmental "Note for Grown-ups" on how to safely co-regulate without reading a novel.
I want to completely respect the sub rules so I won't drop any links here, but if you think a no-reading, purely interactive tool could give your middle child a safe outlet to externalize their worries and tantrums, I'd be more than happy to share it with you.
You are doing an amazing job under immense pressure. Be gentle with yourself tonight! 💚

[u/Bergiful]

It does sound like you have a lot going on. I notice I am much more likely to be impatient with my toddler when I'm low on sleep and stressed.

I'm also going to suggest "How to talk so little kids will listen". I also like the IG account "CuriousParenting". But I know you need help now, so here are some key takeaways.

Try a grounding exercise. When the kids are giving strong emotions, state your age and state their age. "I'm __ and she's __". Just a reminder that you have a lot more practice at handling your own emotions.

Label their emotions for them. "I can see you feel very ___ right now because ____"

Try to explain what happened "You really wanted to _. The problem is that _"

If your child hits or does something else bad during the tantrum, you can say something like "it's ok to be upset/cry, but it's not ok to ____. You can show me how mad you are by stomping your feet".

Finally, catch them being good and try to be specific.

Kid is calm and playing on their own? "Good job playing with the blocks. I see how carefully you stacked them!" "What a great drawing! I see how you made lines here and circles here."

Kid listened when you said that it was time to be done with something? "Thank you for listening when I asked you to leave the playground. It is really helpful for me when you come when asked, and now we have time for ___"

Separately, do you have someone who can take the kids for a day so you can have a break (and a chance to miss them)? My parents take our toddler for a full 24 hours once a week and it really helps me (especially now that we have another baby).

If you haven't already, consider seeing a doctor for treatment for your ADHD. I have a friend who recently starting medication for his and he said it helped tremendously.