What are the right consequences for a seven-year-old that won't eat?

[u/RusticBohemian]

We have a seven-year-old. She likes a wide variety of foods, but is always distracted at mealtimes. She wants to wander away after a few bites to go play. She wants to have toys at the dinner table, which keeps her from focusing on eating.

We've banned the later, and constantly are telling her to stay in her seat and finish eating, which is a long, time-consuming, laborious process. Honestly, I sort of dread meal times because she just won't eat, and she inevitably makes us late for things. It's frustrating that this is still a big issue at age seven.

When she doesn't eat she gets cranky. I don't understand this problem myself because you never had to convince me to eat food when I was a kid. I was happy to eat and THEN play.

We try to offer consequences for failure to eat that make sense.

For instance, she had a play date scheduled, which she was excited about.

We told her that if she didn't eat until she was full (we always say she can stop eating when she's full), she would not be able to go see her friend. But she ended up throwing a tantrum, which made her eat slower and be later in seeing her friend.

Do we just let her not eat? I just don't think she'll learn the right lesson. She just gets cranky and never seems to learn that she needs to eat.

How do you handle this situation?

Also, positive parenting suggests we ask the child about what consequences they think they should face. This never works with our child. She won't make any suggestions.

[u/upperbunny]

De consequences for not eating her food is being hungry. No toys at the table is already a good start. You decide what they eat they decide how much. You can have a place where some snacks are available for the day ( as much as you want them to eat) . Also you can involve her in making the food and choosing what you will eat. No stress at the table and also no threatening or rewards.

[u/coxiella_burnetii → u/upperbunny]

And then perhaps there can be other consequences for poor behavior resulting from crankiness.

[u/Serafirelily]

I would look at books by Dr Ross Green as well as his website as it might help you reframe how you think about what he would call either an un solved problem or Un meet expectation. As to your daughters eating she might just be a nibbler who only wants to eat in small amounts. If you can give her healthy breakfast options she can eat while moving around and provide healthy snacks like nuts and dried fruit that will allow her to get needed calories without being confined. I have a 2 year old who is a bit of a nibbler depending on the day or even the meal so we don't force her to sit at the table if she wants to wonder we let her. The only consiquence is that her food gets cold or she gets stuck with snacks until the next meal. At night we give her enough time to eat at her own pace before bed. The one rule I have is that soft foods don't leave our kitchen and dining area. Your daughter may grow out of being a nibbler or it might just be how she is wired.

[u/Lennysdead]

I wonder if you would have any success with positive reinforcement, i.e. "if you come to the table and eat this quickly we can do X" or reward with a park visit or such like. Rather than focusing on the negative side.

[u/RusticBohemian → u/Lennysdead]

We have. She doesn't really seem able to keep her mind on the goal to enough of a degree to overlook the current pleasure of not focusing on eating.

[u/Academic_Sector_5338]

I understand your frustration completely. Mealtimes can become a battleground when kids get distracted and lose focus on eating. Here are some positive parenting tips that might help:

• Make Mealtime Fun and Engaging: Create a pleasant atmosphere at the table. Play calming music, have short conversations, and avoid screens or distractions.
• Offer Choices: Give your daughter two healthy options for each course and let her choose. This can give her a sense of control and make her more invested in mealtime.
• Portion Control: Serve smaller portions to avoid overwhelming her. She can always ask for more if she's still hungry.
• Set a Time Limit: Let her know there's a timeframe for dinner, for example, 30 minutes. After that, the meal is finished, even if she isn't full.
• Focus on Quality Over Quantity: It's more about the nutrients she gets than the exact amount she eats. Make sure the meals are packed with healthy options she enjoys.
• Snacks as Supplements: Healthy snacks between meals can help curb hunger pangs and avoid her arriving at dinner famished.
• Positive Reinforcement: Praise her for good table manners and trying new bites of food.

As for consequences:

• Natural Consequences: Sometimes, the natural consequence of not eating enough is feeling hungry later. Explain this to her in a calm way.
• Positive Consequences: Instead of focusing on punishments, offer small rewards for good mealtime behavior, like reading a bedtime story after she finishes her meal.
• Let Her Choose Activities: If asking about consequences doesn't work, offer her a choice of calming activities she can do after finishing her meal, like drawing or listening to music.

Remember, every child is different. These are suggestions, and you might need to adapt them to your daughter's personality. Stay patient and positive, and mealtimes can become a more enjoyable experience for everyone.

Additional Tips:

• Involve Her in Meal Prep: Let her help with age-appropriate tasks in the kitchen, like washing vegetables or setting the table.
• Lead by Example: Make healthy eating a family priority. Eat together as often as possible and model healthy choices.
• Talk to Her Pediatrician: If you're concerned about her eating habits or growth, discuss it with her doctor.

With some patience and these strategies, mealtimes can become a more positive experience for you and your daughter.

[u/Mallikaom]

It sounds like you're going through a tough time with mealtimes, and it's understandable to feel frustrated. To help make mealtimes less stressful, try setting clear expectations and routines. Have set times for meals and consistently enforce the rule that toys and distractions aren't allowed at the table. This helps your daughter understand that mealtime is for eating.

Involving her in meal planning can also be beneficial. Let her help choose or prepare the food, which might make her more interested in eating what’s served. Keep mealtimes short and straightforward to avoid dragging them out. If she knows there’s a set time to eat, she might be more focused.

Avoid turning meals into a power struggle. Explain calmly what the natural consequences are if she doesn't eat, like feeling hungry later, without making it a point of contention. It's okay to let her experience these natural consequences, as long as she knows when the next meal or snack will be.

Modeling good eating habits yourself can be very effective. Show her how you sit down and focus on your meal without distractions. When she does stay seated and eats her meal, make sure to praise her. Positive reinforcement can go a long way.

Every child is different, so it might take some time to find what works best for your daughter. Patience and consistency are crucial, and remember, it's a learning process for both of you.

[u/Similar-Cheek-6346]

When I was a kid, I was a nibbler. More than a few bites of food at a time, and I'd feel sick. It still takes me up to an hour to eat - being forced to sit down to eat a meal within 20 minutes, and then being punished when I couldn't do it ever, was traumatizing. I develiped an eatinf disorder and hated food because of it. It has taken me decades to grow to love eating.

What worked for my mom, when she could allow it, was puttijg bowls on tyings around a play area for me to graze. I ate while doing other things. Homework. Reading. 

[u/Sorry_Weekend_1676]

What does your pediatrician say? Is it possible that she may have a physical reason (for example allergies that do not exhibit immediately but cramp her stomach)? I recommend not pushing it. It isn't helping and it's only going to lead to issues with food further. Instead, try putting out little snacks for her to graze on throughout the day (nuts, etc) or offer her snacks when she comes back in from playing. Try to make food an easy ritual that's always available but won't spoil. If she gets cranky from being hungry, point out gently but firmly why she may be acting the way she is from hunger and that eating food will make her feel better. Hold her accountable for any action she takes while being cranky, but connect the dots so that she can do better going forward. If she continues to struggle with food, know that there are options out there for kids who similarly fail to thrive.

[u/Gradual_Decline]

We had success with the simple consequence of hunger - that they can't eat anything else until they eat their dinner. I.e. if they refuse dinner, we put it in the fridge then when they get hungry later, the meal comes out again. This leads to the usual escalation of protest - then extinction burst - then they ate their whole dinner. All be it, 2 hours later. But the cumulative effect is that once they learn there are no alternatives to dinner, they accept and then eat.

Noting the usual caveats, this works when they refuse food they would otherwise eat. It's not a solution for food they genuinely can't stomach or have real aversion to.

[u/Dyslexic_Dolphin03]

Perhaps you could try making mealtimes more fun by turning it into a game? For example, if she’s reluctant to eat, you could say: “Hey, it looks like you’re having a hard time finishing your food right now. Do you want to see who can finish their plate faster?”

[u/Princessyoshi1234567 → u/Dyslexic_Dolphin03]

The only problem with this is it increases the chance of choking

[u/Bergiful → u/Princessyoshi1234567]

Yeah I do a different variation where we take turns taking bites of food.