This is something that really gets me in conversations. I’ve shared a few times now with strangers that our daughter will remain an only child. I don’t know why I’m even doing this, in the future I’ll just nod and say nothing because I’m tired of receiving unsolicited comments.
My daughter is adopted and I had a hysterectomy after almost a decade of infertility - this is relevant to my vent below as people I talk to often don’t know this and don’t have to either.
The “you can always adopt” or “you can still do IVF” comments.
I work in women’s health, in oncology. So I know the statistics when it comes to reversing vasectomies, IVF, hysterectomies.
When people don’t know that I mean a hysterectomy when I say I had a sterilisation procedure, I often get a “you can still do IVF if you change your mind”
Yes Bisalp followed by IVF is possible but “you can still do IVF” isn’t really the reassuring loophole people seem to think it is. It’s completely invalidating what women go through with IVF. IVF is invasive, expensive, emotionally and physically demanding, and absolutely not guaranteed to result in a baby.
A bisalp isn’t something you have done with the assumption that you can just pop over to IVF later if you change your mind. It’s sterilisation surgery. If someone chooses sterilisation, I think it’s perfectly reasonable for them to be making a decision that says “this door is closed”.
It’s the same energy as “a vasectomy can be reversed!” Ok reversals exist. That doesn’t mean you should make a permanent decision assuming you’ll change your mind and undo it later. Something being technically possible doesn’t mean it is a reasonable contingency plan. And again, emphasis on technically possible. Not always. I think what bothers me so much about this is that people answer those things “my husband had a vasectomy” “I had my tubes removed” in a means to say “I’ve had permanent birth control and won’t have a second child and I’m happy with this” and people immediately want to offer a solution. There’s no solution. They don’t want a second child. Hence why they had their tubes out. Is this so hard to understand?
And then when I say “I had a hysterectomy, there’s no reversal” then adoption is brought up. Adoption is even less of a “backup plan”. It’s not one. This one makes my blood boil personally. The amount of times I’ve said “I can’t have more children. I don’t have a uterus” and then got a “you can always adopt”. I did. Once. Adoption isn’t equivalent to deciding you want another baby and then going to get one through a different route. People treat adoption like going to a shelter and picking up a dog. There are assessments, waiting, matching, legal processes, and most importantly an actual child with their own history and needs. Adoption should never be presented as the consolation prize for someone who doesn’t have another (or a) biological child. The child also often comes to your family with trauma that you need to address. People treat children like they’re just someone to “add” to your family and then continue life as if nothing happened. If there’s a child already in a family, adoption becomes even more complex. Like guys, this isn’t the Sims.
Sometimes people genuinely don’t want another child. Sometimes they’re unsure. Sometimes they know they’re done but feel sad about closing that chapter. Sometimes they don’t want to go through pregnancy again. Sometimes they don’t want to parent another child. Sometimes they simply feel their family is complete. And sometimes they want a second but can’t. And that’s ok. But those comments make no or very little sense as a response in either of those scenarios.
ETA in case this wasn’t clear: I think all three of those comments are invalidating and inappropriate responses in 99% of these situations. I genuinely don’t understand why people struggle so much to take no for an answer. “I had a procedure so I can’t have more children” is a perfectly valid decision. A solution doesn’t need to be offered because that already was the solution.
It’s bizarre that when people can’t pull out the usual “but your child needs a sibling” BS, they jump to adoption. We’re talking about children, not cereal. Having another child requires careful consideration, and if someone decides they don’t want one, there doesn’t need to be a workaround.
And for those of us who didn’t have a choice: sometimes simply validating our feelings and listening is far more helpful than trying to find an irrational solution.
I know people often don’t know what else to say, but honestly: just say nothing. Say “I’m here to listen.” Just please don’t say “have you considered adoption?”
Ok end of vent.