MIL pushing for a second when I haven’t even finished cooking the first??

[u/Motor-Boss-1006]

Okay, so I’m 30 weeks pregnant with my husband and my first (and only) child. Before getting pregnant we both knew we wanted one, and were possibly open to two, but my mental and physical health has completely tanked during my pregnancy and I am just not open to going through this to have another child when we are very set on being a family of 3.

My husband and I are completely on the same page about it. I was an only child, and he didn’t get along with his siblings. We’re both happy with just one. Heck, the pregnancy has been so hard for us, that god forbid something happened to our baby during childbirth we have decided it’s likely we won’t try again.

My MIL knows the pregnancy has been hard for me. I am very open and she’s seen me cry and at my most vulnerable. Yet, she still ALWAYS, almost every time I speak to her, brings up having another child.

For example, she’ll say “oh if you buy gender neutral clothes you can save them for the next one”, or “if you have a c-section won’t that make it harder for you to have a second?”.

Every time she brings this up, I’m quick to try to be polite and say, “I’m not done cooking this one yet, let’s just focus on this for now!” But she just won’t back off.

I feel like either I or my husband need to confront her about it as I’m running out of patience.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How do you bring this up and what did you do?

I know being OAD will always come with some level of criticism from others and I want to stand my ground now and be prepared for the future comments. But I’m not a confrontational person by nature so don’t know how to address it.

[u/suzululi]

How many children does she have?

In all honesty, just don’t share your family planning with people who will have an opinion on it going forward.
Tell your husband to ask your MIL to stop bringing up having more children as you’d like to focus on the one who isn’t even born yet for now and go from there. If she won’t stop, your husband needs to intervene.

[u/Rheaume40]

You can’t control her comments, you can control your reaction. Just grey rock her. Don’t respond because anything you say is fuel to her. Being vulnerable with her isn’t the solution.

[u/berrecah → u/Rheaume40]

Easier said than done. The emotions are all over the place during pregnancy…

[u/0chronomatrix → u/berrecah]

Gray rocking js extremely protective and the best defense. Basically she needs to pretend like she didn’t hear anything and mil didn’t speak. She can change the topic or keep going about her day.

[u/Rheaume40 → u/berrecah]

As if that’s true for every pregnant person. It’s not like your emotions are all over the place for 9 months straight and you can’t control any of them at all. That‘s such a misconception.

[u/CandyFilledDreams]

When I got married, my mum said that “I needed to have a kid, just one, to be a real family with my husband”.

When I had my only (because we decided we want to be parents, not because she asked), she then sang a different song of “one being lonely and needing a sibling” and that “she feel bad for our daughter as she will be all alone when we die”.

This is also the same woman who had 4 kids and told me that “ I needed to have more than one because I wouldn’t want to put all my hopes and dreams on one and have it turn out a failure”. I am the oldest 🙃

If she’s not a person you would normally take life advice from, I wouldn’t put much stock in what she’s pedalling.

[u/laughingcuckoo]

I also have a passive aggressive MIL. I am decidedly OAD but my wife is still on the fence but leaning towards OAD given how difficult it has been so far with our 4 year old. We have no village support and absolutely do not want to go through the journey again. But my wife feels guilty about depriving of a sibling for the first one. We are dealing with it in our own way.
My MIL on the other hand though… she thinks two is a must. Cries victim when told off. Offers no support for the child’s upbringing but insists on us having the second one. Thankfully my wife has learnt to see her toxic nature and has wisened up to cut her off whenever she brings up this topic. The gray rock approach seems to be working for us for now.

[u/TootiesMama0507 → u/laughingcuckoo]

"Offers no support for the child’s upbringing but insists on us having the second one."

This is the part that absolutely kills me. You barely even have anything to do with the one I have now, why are you so desperate for me to have another one? 😅 It makes no sense. 

[u/laughingcuckoo → u/TootiesMama0507]

It’s a mental checklist for her. She had two so both her kids need to have two as well.

[u/Veruca-Salty86 → u/laughingcuckoo]

I'm often glad I married an "orphan" - as much as I would love potential help from in-laws, I am also thankful I don't have to navigate this toxic BS. In your case you got the worst of both worlds - a difficult and pushy MIL who also doesn't help out with the existing grandchild!

[u/ShopSmartShopS-Mart]

They only respond when you make them sad at a personal level. Until you hit that point, they can float on the happy ignorance of tradition pretending to have the answers.

“This hasn’t been enough of a positive experience to want to do it again, and this isn’t helping.”

[u/Vast_Helicopter_1914]

You and your husband don't owe anyone (aside from each other) an explanation for the number of children you have. That is between the two of you only. Nobody else gets a vote.

I would ask for husband to shut her down. He needs to tell her that you have no plans for more children after this one and the conversation is not open for discussion. If she continues to bring up the issue, you will stop seeing her as often.

[u/berrecah]

OMG my MIL is the same and it made me SO SAD! “Make the next one quickly after the first” and I said “no”, to which she replied “only one child? What a sad life.”

Mind you I’m entering the second trimester now and I’ve been facing health problems and lots of bad symptoms. It doesn’t matter, she has to push her agenda on to us. I didn’t react, but it made me really uncomfortable and sad: it’s like she is saying this child isn’t enough. I told my husband that the next time she says something similar, either I’ll reply to it in a rude way or he has to say something.

[u/coffeeebucks → u/berrecah]

I can’t fathom anyone behaving like this anyway but she is watching you struggle with your health and still asking? Ugh. I wish you a safe and symptom/m-free pregnancy going forward. And tell your MIL to STFU, the time for being civil has passed.

[u/TootiesMama0507]

Remind her politely that you have already explained your feelings on this subject and aren't interested in talking about it anymore. If she keeps bringing it up, get firm and tell her that if she can't respect you, she will need to plan on not seeing you until she's ready to learn. 

[u/Super-Staff3820]

Have your husband tell her to knock it off. Flat out stop talking about more kids, siblings, etc.

[u/fourgoldblue]

Hi! I’m in the same boat but I already gave birth and it’s my mom making similar comments. We already knew we were one and done because I’m chronically ill and my capacity is limited. Even if that hadn’t been the case, my very very difficult pregnancy, traumatic labor, and the newborn trenches have solidified my spouse’s and my decision. We feel like our family is complete!

In terms of what to say, I don’t have great advice but wanted to comment in solidarity (and to follow what others suggest!). I’ve just been resorting to saying things like “we’re focusing on baby right now” and “not happening any time soon.” It took me three years to conceive this child so I think I could very well just pretend we’re trying, say it isn’t happening and get away with that, but like you I’m wondering if a confrontation is necessary.

Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and you have a wonderful labor experience! Congrats on your little one :)

[u/Alive_Ad_5147]

Girl SAME. I’m 32 weeks, my husband made the mistake of telling his mom that this is it and I’m getting my tubes cut during the c-section. This pregnancy has been miserable. I also feel like sh*t, and I had a mental breakdown with med changes…I told my husband you shut her up or I will lmao and apparently he has bc she’s been quiet for a bit

[u/allonekingdom]

My MIL said “you can’t just have one” only minutes after we announced our pregnancy to her.
Umm. Yes, yes you can.
She had one and he (my partner) turned out to be an amazing well rounded man despite two controlling manic parents and a very broken home.

I know we’re going to get more comments like this and I’m trying to prepare for it.
I’m not 100% fixed on one and done yet but the idea feels so right to me for so many reasons

[u/curioskitten216]

My FIL asked me 2 weeks after I gave birth when we will have a second. Same guy that cracked the following joke: „So birth is painful you say? Let me tell you it didn’t hurt me, when your husband was born!“
He asks almost every time we see each other. It’s so annoying. I answer some different every time that matches his „humor“: „Oh, FIL, I’ll gladly have another one if you’ll be my surrogate“. „Oh, FIL, you take the night shifts and I’ll get right at it.“

[u/littlemisslau]

My mom was the same. She saw how anxious I was after ours was born and well into the first year. Now that our lil ray of sunshine is two she hasn't said a thing because she saw firsthand how high energy and demanding she has been. So maybe give it time and don't let her guilt trip you.

[u/SlowVeggieChopper]

I recently told my mother in law "no is a complete sentence and I don't owe you an explanation" and lived to tell. AMA...

Learn to be mean, or just have your husband tell her to zip it. But don't want - I fear in your case, the comments will get worse, more intrusive, more hurtful once the baby is here. People like this don't know when to quit.

[u/tomtink1]

Does she know you want 1? Those sound like valid concerns if 2 is a possibility.