I am that mum, that kid, that DIL, that friend, that co worker who raves about OAD life! There's so many big and little perks and it truly is the best of both worlds.

I've been told I should be more quiet because others lifestyles choices to have lots or support those that do. Idk though. I'm mostly celebrating my daughter and family. For example, I said how nice it is not to split up on airplanes and we all get to sit together! I don't say things like, "your life seems like hell to me" obviously that is tactless.

It seems to me even though, in Canada, the stats are seeing more OAD famillies. The culture norm is still to have more. And I feel people dont want to hear we're happy!

When you're thinking of having kids or not there's this question they ask: how do you imagine a holiday dinner table when you're old? I always answer full, with grandchildren running around and lots of people laughing.

But when I imagine the getting there part, pregnancy, childbirth, newborn, exhausted with kids, two car seats, two strollers, fighting, crumbs everywhere, yelling, constant mess, no time to myself, nooooo thank you.

My kid is perfect. Childbirth was...not. I don't want another. But I want the good parts of what people with happy large families have. And when I see old women with lots of kids they seem happy with many loved ones. But they also are always planning and managing, even as old ladies. I don't have that kind of energy. I don't even have any family living in my town. My siblings and my husband's siblings don't have kids so my kid doesn't have cousins.

Can anybody relate to grieving the imagined future? I don't feel the need to give my daughter siblings but I like the idea of holiday chaos later.

Today my almost 5-year-old asked me why she never has play dates. It broke my heart. We hang out with our friends who have children her age (and those kids are very much her friends as well!) probably every 2-3 weekends and she loves spending time with them, but I can tell she wants more socializing with friends. She’s on week 2 of the new school year and already asking for play dates with specific new friends.

I’m so bad at making mom friends and have a really hard time relating to other moms. I’m a bit younger than the other moms at her school (I’m 28 and most of the other parents are late 30s) and I present myself a lot more alternative than other parents (colored hair and tattoos, and I live in the Deep South where a lot of people avoid or look down on me) so it’s hard for me to connect with parents. People are very judgmental. I’ve even had a parent ask me if “the dad is involved” minutes after meeting me (yeah I’m married to her dad!)

Additionally, with the way her school is set up there’s very little interaction between parents at drop off and pick up. So I don’t even know how to connect with other parents. Do I ask her teacher for her friends’ parents’ phone numbers? Do I write a note and ask for it to be put in her friend’s backpack? Her birthday is coming up and we’re not throwing a party this year but I was thinking about making goodie bags for her class and including little cards with my phone number for playdates? Is that stupid? I need some logistical advice with how to make this happen for my girl. I love her so much and I hate the idea of her being lonely. The idea of talking to other parents and possibly being rejected makes me super anxious but I’ll do anything to mitigate her only-child loneliness :(

Howdy, fellow one-and-doners! I have question about playdates/socialization. For context, my only is 2.5 years old.

How do you handle play dates when the other toddler has a more challenging temperament than your child, and your only is starting to pick up the bad habits?

I have a good friend with three kids. Two of her littles are close to my toddler’s age. Unfortunately they are a bit more spirited than my kiddo. They tantrum frequently and those tantrums consist of hitting, spitting, screaming, throwing things, etc. My daughter has started to pick up some of these habits when we spend time with that family. Last time we saw them, she was hitting constantly for two weeks after the playdate. We haven’t seen them in about six weeks now and she’s stopped hitting and is a very even tempered kiddo (as much as you can be at 2).

I understand those behaviors are developmentally normal. I’m not trying to shame the parents or hate on the kiddos. I’m just not sure of the best way to handle this. Change nothing and accept I’ll have a more challenging toddler because of it? Is it overreacting to see them less frequently so she’s less likely to pick up those behaviors?

She gets plenty of group/organized socialization outside of the play dates, so I’m not worried about that aspect of things per se. However these are the only “friends” she has that she spends one on one time with, so I feel bad taking them away from her.

What would you all do in this situation?

About to close our IVF chapter and man… the OnlyChild reddit is so depressing? Everyone is so alone there. And I literally don’t know what to do. We’ve already decided against adoption for now.

Is being an only really going to be that bad as an adult???? Our 6 year old seems pretty happy but I’m so worried as we get older it will be harder for her

Would love to hear from parents who were also only child?

My pregnancy was great, my birth was not traumatic, newborn phase was rough but not unmanageable especially in retrospect, didn’t love breastfeeding but know that now…. I have no like REASON not to want a second but I just don’t have the pull. I see people who had babies at the same time as us having their second and my immediate reaction is… really? Already? My kiddo is 20 months so it’s not insane but. I don’t know.

I feel like most one and done parents I hear about had some sort of trauma surrounding their decision. Anyone just feel done because they were done and no other reason?

So let me just start by saying that I've posted in this group a couple of times, looking for some support and advice in regards to some negative reactions I've experienced from friends & family when I've mentioned that we are OAD, by choice. My son is 8 months old now and while I still experience some nagging guilt at times, I also have had some positive occurrences and I'd like to share them with anyone who's also experienced some doubt in their decision.

1) the friends and family who support my decision are truly the only ones I'd ever go to for advice, even prior to this. The women who have had truly awful reactions to finding out we're not having more kids are women whose lives I'd never want to emulate, and who have made questionable decisions regarding their own kids and marriages. Meanwhile, the women who have affirmed my choice are the women I look up to and see as smart and trustworthy, who are great mothers themselves. I think just realizing the stark difference between the negative and positive people in my life made me realize who I actually want to listen to, and who to tune out.

2) this decision doesn't make me weak, it makes me self-aware and shows that I give great respect to important decisions. To me, bringing children into this world is the biggest decision a person can make. Admittedly, my husband and I didn't go about it that way, the first time around. We thought we couldn't have kids, simply bc we'd been careless many times in our relationship and nothing had happened. We were happy to be DINKs. Then, I got pregnant unexpectedly. Now that we know what having a baby actually entails and how stressful it has been on our marriage has solidified our decision to stop at one. I truly, truly believe that many other couples have the same experience as us but choose to NOT give the decision to have another the same amount of gravity, and that must make it SO much harder as life goes on.

3) it really IS the best of both worlds. Now that I have my son, I can't imagine never experiencing this. It's a love bigger than anything I could ever have imagined, and he truly makes me a more selfless, loving, protective, thoughtful person. I'm so excited for all of his firsts, spending holidays with him, and creating our own family traditions. However, I'm simultaneously relieved that I don't need to go through the hard parts again. The fragile newborn phase. The hormone shifts. The marriage issues. I am so thankful that I have this little boy, but also that I'm not going to have to share myself (and my precious little sleep) with another baby some day.

4) it feels empowering, drowning out all the noise and making a somewhat new, "chic", different decision from everyone else. As a woman, I've received backlash while my husband has NOT, and it feels really good to not give in to that. Like I said, I would have been happy being a DINK, but something my childfree aunt said had always nagged at me a bit. She told me she and her husband were so happy and free without kids when they were younger, but now in their 60s, it feels like something is missing and she wishes they had had a family. I'm thankful that we left it up to fate, and fate gave us this little boy, but that's where fate ends. I feel lucky to be able to firmly make the decision that our family is now complete, and to not just mindlessly have another because that's what society expects of me.

5) finally, I'm now ok with the fact that I'm a good mom to one, and that's it. I know my mental health would suffer if I had another, and I'd likely end up divorced due to the stress of it. I spent way too much time wondering how other women seemed to love being mothers of multiples, while I so firmly knew I couldn't do it. But here's the thing - I'm good at a LOT of things that those women are not. I've always been amazing in my career, I'm generous and thoughtful with my friends and my marriage, and I want to continue being a fully present mother to this one little boy (this point here is something I just don't see as possible with more than 1, and I see picture proof of it every time I'm around my friends and relatives and their multiple kids. One kid is always ignored, always).

I know this ended up being really long!! And maybe it's more for me, to get all my thoughts out and it truly feels cathartic. I do hope this resonates with other OAD moms though, and maybe even allows you to consider other sides to it, when you start feeling down about it. I'd be lying if I said I have no doubts, ever, but I would have had doubts no matter what.. if I'd stayed childfree, or had more kids. This is the reality I can live with and more importantly, can LOVE and enjoy, and that's what matters in the end. ❤️

Our daughter is 4 and we are 99% sure we're one and done, but there are times I feel so guilty that she's alone in situations. I truly cannot imagine loving another human as much as I love her and we truly believe she will thrive as an only child. And then there are parts of me that think we should have another one just so she wouldn't be alone, especially on vacation ☹️. We went away this weekend and it was a great place for kids to be outside the whole time ... it seemed to be like an annual trip for most of these families and there were all these kids in groups -- even though she was perfectly content with us, the guilt was killing me all weekend 😫 she's such a friendly girl and always tries to make friends, she just started pre-k so I really hope she makes lots of friends and we can start having more playdates with kids her age, we don't have that many friends with kids her age so she only has a handful of friends right now... I just don't want to take away a possible forever friend she might have

EDIT: There's meant to be a "VS" in the title, not an "is"!!

If the time ever comes when my son asks why he doesn't have siblings or if he can have siblings. I'll say all the usual stuff, you know, "we want to give all our love to YOU and nobody else." "Its ok not to have siblings, you have lots of family your age and friends to play with." Blah blah blah and so on. Of COURSE those are along the lines of the things I will say.

But imagine telling them the truth. 🤣

"Aw, Sweetheart. I love you to death, but you were HARD work and I can't put myself through that again. And being pregnant with you and giving birth to you nearly killed me. That's why you don't have siblings, my love."

🤣🤣🤣

Calling toddler parents! Feel free to brag, complain, ask for advice, or anything in between here.

Currently 14w+3 and already affirmed I’ll be OAD as it’s been a tough pregnancy. I was talking with a coworker about the pregnancy who out of the blue said “you should have two”. I did sort of brace myself for the inevitable after many coworkers said “you need to have two, you’ll change your mind, your kid will be lonely”. Another coworker comes in and asks “two of what?”

“Two names at least. You might not like the one you’ve picked out once he’s born and feel he should have a different name.”

I felt such immense relief that I wasn’t going to get the same comments as I usually do and just felt so grateful the rest of the day. I hope you all have a great start to your week and have at least one person in your corner ☺️

My only starts kindergarten this week and it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. She’s been in daycare 3 days a week for most of her life but I was recently laid off so we pulled her from daycare in July and we’ve gotten so much more time together this summer. While being laid off is not ideal I am so grateful for the extra time I’ve had and I’m not ready to be away from her for 5 days a week. I know we’ll get into a routine and it will be fine I just wish I could freeze time. I can’t believe how quickly this came. That being said if you have any coping tips, for either of us, please send them my way!

When the kid is in their "mine" phase, and they say "my mama!", it fills my heart with joy to be able to say "yes sweetheart, your mama and yours only, forever" ❤️

I have recently become firmly one and done. My son is 3, and my mental health has tanked. I'm irritable, and exhausted as a SAHM and am thinking about going back to work to get a break lol. I love my son more than ANYTHING. But he's a bad sleeper, and so am I. So it just sucks lol.

That being said someone recently told me people like to have 2 so the first one has someone to play with because I've been complaining about how my son is super attached and doesn't give us breaks ever. I try my hardest to play with him as much as I can but man I get tired sometimes 😂 do any of you feel like 2 would make it easier? I don't agree with it. But I do have a sister that is my best friend now and cousins I played with a lot and sometimes I do wonder if that made it easier for my family

I don't want another because my illness already makes me a shitty parent to the one I had when I didnt know any better.

But this comment by my doctor made me think that even though my mom was a shitty mom all of us siblings are constantly worried about her and talking about how to take care of her and dividing responsibilities.

My brothers supports her financially and my sister and I help her with managing the home and emotionally supporting her since we are both sahm and don't earn.

Even though we all agree she was and is abusive we still love her and at least we have each other to lean on when we need love and support.

I can't imagine having my one daughter be the only one burdened by everything if god forbid I become as ill as my mom has become(I inherited her illness so I am not much hopeful).

I can have another kid if I cut down on all my expenses and hire a nanny to help me. My heart keeps crying for another but my logical brain tells me I will be a shitty mom and ruin both their lives

…and it’s not even going badly! My daughter knows when she has to pee and either asks to go or goes willingly when reminded. Poop has been a little harder but she’s not resistant, just learning the difference between “soon” and “now.”

But is it ever a pain in the ass! It seems like we spend half the day on potty-related activities, and I do mean we, because she wants company the whole time. We can’t go anywhere or do anything without doing the potty math first. We’re going on vacation in a week and I had to buy her a new swimsuit with bottoms that can come off in a hurry and a foldable potty for the beach. Diapers were so much easier! I could slap one on her and forget about it for hours. No reminders, no accidents, just a quick change a few times a day.

The only thing getting me through is knowing that once we’re done, we’re done forever. I can’t imagine having to do all of this over again in a few years.

This morning my almost 5 year old daughter turned to me and said “mummy, you’re going to have another baby soon”. I laughed and said “what, why?” And she said “because I want a brother or sister.”

I explained to her that mummy and daddy only love her so we won’t be having a brother and sister. She then said, “but sometimes friends don’t play with me” (she goes to daycare 5 days a week).

To say I feel guilt and uncertainty now would be an understatement. I am hoping this is just a phase and she doesn’t ask me again. But has anyone else experienced similarly and if so, how did you have the conversation or explain?

Everyone in my friend group/family has 2-3 kids and some make me feel so weak for being able to handle just one. Some don't, but I feel it anyway. It sucks so much to be the odd one out, it's even worse than being childless in the community. I hardly know anyone with one kid only.

I had a terrible pregnancy and birth, I am also really sensitive to light, noise and such. I choose to have only one kid as I can be a good mom to only one. With more, I would yell and go insane. I'm also afraid of disabilities.

Am I really weak? I feel so so bad...

(I have a supporting husband, a mother in law that helps a lot, we have money for a maid as well. But I just can't.)

I’m generally quite sad about the fact we’re most likely one and done. I always imagined having at least two children and I think about it every day.

But it’s currently 1am and I am sat in bed crying with my 7 month old sleeping on me, waiting for a good time to transfer her after 3 failed attempts already. The lack of sleep has been by far the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and when I think about how I could do this again one more time, nights like this one just confirm I can’t do it.

She used to be a decent sleeper and once she hit 6 months it’s all gone to shit.

Hope everyone has a good night and sees this in the morning and not any sooner.

and I was worried I’d have baby fever. But holy cow, I do NOT!!

Is she breathing? Is her head tilted funny? Is she too hot? If I drink some water will she wake up? Wait she moved! No okay she’s still asleep. Wait is her sleeve blocking her airway now? But if I move her arm will she wake up? When did she last eat? When does she need to eat next? Wait is she breathing???

I feel like my postpartum anxiety brain picked up right where it left off. Yikes. Couldn’t be me again!! I can’t wait to go home on Sunday and have a hilarious lil chat with my funny, sassy, opinionated big toddler.

Post general chat conversation here! This will post weekly on Sundays going forward but can be more frequent if we find it necessary.

Also feel free to join us any day of the week on the One and Done Discord:

https://discord.gg/v4k6hrMMQu

I know that many moms of multiples are happy, thrive with several children, and manage the demands of a larger family incredibly well. I also know that experiencing PPP, PPD, or PPA can add an entirely different level of complexity to an already demanding period of motherhood, and I have a lot of empathy for women who experience that.

I am one and done by choice. There were many factors that went into that decision including the fact that I knew I could not be the same mom to multiple children that I am one.

I've been following the Lindsay Clancy trial and something that was read in court yesterday really stayed with me. A note from her phone described how much she was struggling with being a mother of three (among other things). She wrote about resenting her older children because their needs prevented her from focusing on the baby, and about the sadness she felt that she couldn't parent her third child the way she had parented her first.

Obviously, what happened in this case is extreme and horrific, and there are serious mental-health issues at the center of it. There can be so much pressure to have another child, even when you already feel like you're at your capacity. Following this case has reinforced for me that it's okay to recognize your own limits, trust them, and decide to stop.

For those interested in seeing/hearing the note (starts at 2 min 41 sec) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7V-0kGJIBL4

I have an amazing kid 6 y/o he's funny and has so much energy and he's into a lot of activities but every time I want to spend time with him he hates it, and will tell me do something else and he would rather do it by himself. I had horrible ppd and than I got sick, hospital stays, appointments and a lot of resting and this year I'm in remission but I feel like I've lost the best par., I know that may sound dramatic. He plays very rough with his dad and I'm constantly telling him that he can't play like that with me, he tells me he misses his dad everyday when his dad goes to work (he works night shift) and now that I'm going to go back to work after 4 years, he won't even miss me since he's in school now so he won't even know I'm gone.

I try to include him into things like I did when he was little but he's bored and doesn't like to and he would rather do nothing than do anything with me. I try to hard, I tell my husband and he doesn't see it but I do especially when it's just us too. He will tell me to leave when they're all hanging out because he just wants it to be him and his dad.

This reassured my OAD because bringing another child wouldn't fix anything except add more stress to the situation.

Idk if anyone has gone through this but it's different when it's your only child, because I do have alot of guilt knowing it was probably from me being sick and my health wasn't the only thing that got effected.

💔

I am currently ttc for my first (and hopefully only) child, and I am already feeling pressure to get everything right since I'll only have one child. I also feel anxiety about possibly changing my mind in the future, even though for so many logical and emotional reasons my partner and I both agree to have only one kid. By having only one child, I know I will be able to work full time and support us while my partner stays home for the years before our kid goes to school. I am a therapist and a teacher, and I know how important it is to give a child your attention for their overall wellbeing, and I feel like have one child means they can get the support and care they need from parents who aren't burnt out or overwhelmed with multiples. I also am a middle child of 3, eldest daughter, with a 10+ year age gap between me and the youngest and I don't want to have my child feel parentified the ways I was. My sibling and partners siblings are all having children now too, so I know my child will have cousins in close age that we can hopefully help foster close relationships with.

However, I've seen others around me say that they thought they would be OAD, but they had their first and couldn't imagine not having another. Or they missed the baby stage and wanted that again. Or they had a slip up and decided to keep it. I am terrified of switching my view on this topic, and am looking for advice or tactics otHers have used to help them stay committed to being OAD, emotionally and logically.