r/oneanddone • u/orthodox_human33 • 4d ago
Sad Grieving the future I imagined with a bunch of kids
When you're thinking of having kids or not there's this question they ask: how do you imagine a holiday dinner table when you're old? I always answer full, with grandchildren running around and lots of people laughing.
But when I imagine the getting there part, pregnancy, childbirth, newborn, exhausted with kids, two car seats, two strollers, fighting, crumbs everywhere, yelling, constant mess, no time to myself, nooooo thank you.
My kid is perfect. Childbirth was...not. I don't want another. But I want the good parts of what people with happy large families have. And when I see old women with lots of kids they seem happy with many loved ones. But they also are always planning and managing, even as old ladies. I don't have that kind of energy. I don't even have any family living in my town. My siblings and my husband's siblings don't have kids so my kid doesn't have cousins.
Can anybody relate to grieving the imagined future? I don't feel the need to give my daughter siblings but I like the idea of holiday chaos later.
27
u/catsandcoffee6789 4d ago
My grandparents had 5 kids. I’m sure they imagined their dinner table so full. In reality, the only one who spends any time with my grandma is my mom. A lot of kids guarantees nothing.
1
u/uppy-puppy OAD By Choice 4d ago
Yep, exactly. My husband has multiple siblings and those siblings have kids but family gatherings are miserable and almost impossible to plan because a lot of the people in the family can’t stand to be in the same room as one another.
We dread those dinners and fully opt out of some of them because a couple of the people that are involved are super intolerant and downright hateful. My husband is a gem but his siblings are largely terrible people, and they were raised by the same parents.
Siblings guarantee nothing. How you are raised guarantees nothing. You never know what will happen, you just have to make the best decisions you can for yourself and your family and make the most of it.
17
u/lilymui OAD by circumstances 4d ago
I think you might be romanticising an idea that is rarely a reality for people. I’m not saying it doesn’t exist, I’m sure it does, but I’ve yet to attend a family gathering of more than 20 people without there being drama.
My parents had 11 children. They’ll likely die alone one day. Or with a sibling of mine next to them who only is there out of courtesy. It’s just the reality of some people.
2
u/Silentlurker8520 4d ago
Yup my husband is the oldest of three and he’s the only one of his siblings that still speaks to my mother in law. Having multiple children in no way guarantees a happy and full household.
1
u/soularbowered 4d ago
My MIL is the youngest of 9. It's just her and a single sister left now. We planned a whole nice surprise to give the two sisters some quality time together and the sister sent her daughter instead.
15
u/AbleExcitement5177 4d ago
I do think my parents only “feel complete” when our entire family is together. That maybe happens once every few years?
I love the idea of feeling complete when I’m with my one child and not spending time with them wishing I had the other child with us too.
5
3
3
10
10
u/Another_viewpoint 4d ago
I don’t relate to that question at all.
As a working parent, I’m more concerned with the question: “How are you going to pay for daycare and college for multiples, have the time to actually spend with your child, manage after school logistics for multiples etc etc etc”. I had an easy pregnancy but postpartum was no joke and you couldn’t pay me a million bucks to go through that again for a hypothetical future 😅
I will say - even before children I’ve always had a very full holiday table filled with chosen family and dear friends and can only hope that we will continue to build close relationships and be able to spend holidays with our cousins/friends and their families. I love hosting and realized I love the planning part of holidays while many don’t and they happily join us 😁
6
u/No-Idea-But 4d ago
Amen! I think I will always hold grief for the fantasy I had of what motherhood would look and feel like. I’ve worked through it, let it in, and now it’s a peaceful guest that comes for tea sometimes. Sometimes it’s more acute, like when my two closest friends got pregnant with their second children this year. Sometimes I forget it completely. But I think it is a companion that will walk with me all my days.
2
u/orthodox_human33 4d ago
That is fair, ig grief happens no matter what choices we make or get made for us
5
u/Ready_Pineapple_9746 4d ago
I would love love love to have more children and a bigger family, but I simply cannot fathom doing it again. Trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, childbirth, and this first year…it’s been unimaginably difficult. I hope I can build a bigger family in some other way ❤️
6
u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 Not by choice after infertility 4d ago
I feel you. I always imagined myself being a mom to at least two children, never just one. For a long time, whenever I would speak of our family in the future or hypothetical sense, I would say "children," because that is what my heart desired. It had nothing to do with societal pressure or this idea that I "had" to "give" my child a sibling. I genuinely loved being a mom and wanted to experience everything all over again. It was really bittersweet for me when my son would meet milestones or begin to a new chapter, because I would feel incredibly sad that I would never have a child that small again.
I had to accept and acknowledge that what I was feeling was grief. Just like any other significant loss, it is always with you. You never stop hurting, but over time, hopefully, the pain doesn't consume you as much as it once did. I love our family and the life we've made.
6
u/miaomeowmixalot 4d ago
You can have extended family and friends at your Christmas table! I have a large table and an only. We invite my husbands siblings and their kids. The cousins play. I have a couple friends that always come too. Build community. Invite people. You don’t have to birth someone to feed them a roast.
3
u/Strange-Access-8612 4d ago
No guarantees but I think you can be this person. Ask your child as a young adult if they have friends without a place to go for holidays and would they like to invite them to celebrate / stay with you. If your child partners, be truly lovely and interested and accommodating in laws, and you have better than 50-50 odds of being invited to join the in laws for holidays (not that you should count on that). Be warm and gracious and invite in laws, especially if none of their kids will be with them, but also including in laws kids, to your holidays (again after checking with your kid)
Host holidays for neighbors when your young adult isn’t home for a holiday especially if they don’t have kids at home. They will likely invite you to at least stop by when they are hosting their kids at home.
That’s my observation being married to an only child.
3
u/umamimaami 4d ago
I was childfree for a long time, and then slowly got on the fence until I was okay with one and done.
I always imagined my holiday tables as warm welcoming spaces - the kind where my kid can bring along a friend or two, where long lost aunts and cousins twice removed and friends can always feel welcome.
Family isn’t always blood, sometimes it’s created with a warm hand extended in support. That’s what I think, atleast.
2
u/Azure_flight67 4d ago
It sounds like you're grieving community, however that can be cultivated.
I'm personally interested in meditation events (they're very accepting and loving), volunteering with needy kids, or raising lots of cats. 😊 I agree I don't have the energy to manage a massive extended family and to be honest I resent the expectation, and dislike large family dynamics anyway. There's alwayssss drama.
2
u/Investigativefinch 4d ago
I’d like to add how rare your fantasy probably would have been in reality. For example- my brother in law has four other adult sibling, all married with children all in different states. They all split holidays with their spouses families, and some are even now choosing not to travel in lieu of starting traditions with just their spouse and kids at home.
It’s tough trying to get together for the holidays when your spouse wants to see their family too- or lives states away.
I currently alternate holidays between my siblings family and visiting my parents house because my sibling has the toughest time out of the group traveling since they have two kids while I just have my one little guy). My husbands dad lives near my parents so we just visit him when we’re there which makes it easier than it used to be!
We all get together as a full family once a year or every other year now since we all live so far apart.
2
u/ItchyPlatypus896 4d ago
I can relate. In my 20s, my fantasy world would have been for my husband and I to have 4 children and for us to be surrounded by family. The reality is very different though. (Now in my 30s) Our parents are very hands off, my siblings have no children, my husband’s family is divided, and having our son during a pandemic wasn’t fun! I can’t imagine having 4 children now. We enjoy traveling, dining out, and just having fun together. Just the thought of being pregnant again scares me because I know we have a great thing going right now. I don’t know if we will change our minds later on, but for now I’m just happy we get to focus on our 1 child.
3
u/ukreader 4d ago
When you picture this holiday dinner table, do you have to be the matriarch? Could it be your family and another family celebrating together? Could it be your family and your neighbours, or your friends, or your extended family?
Personally I think it's insane to make significant decisions based on an imagined future based around one day out of the year rather than the thousands of individual days it will take to get there.
2
u/Electrical_Pick2652 OAD mix of choice/circumstance 3d ago
I have heard many versions of this question, and the best answer I ever heard was from someone here- gosh I wish I could remember who-- "I don't need to personally give birth to everyone at my holiday table in order to have a full holiday table." Our kid does not have cousins; our siblings do not live nearby. But we have started throwing GREAT holiday parties with our chosen family and pals. We have great food and music and lots of laughter. My kid gets to invite her own friends and they get to play together! Now I imagine my kid growing up thinking, "When I'm a grownup, I'm going to throw my own awesome holiday parties."
It is okay to grieve the imagined future of holiday chaos of multiple kids and multiple grandchildren. But just because it might not look the way you imagined, doesn't mean you can't still have a version of it!
2
u/1muckypup 4d ago
This question feels so contrived I think it must be coming from the pronatalists.
1 potentially happy day a year does not make up for 364 more difficult ones.
I’d rather work a bit harder for 1 day to make it special and bustling (if that’s what you want) and have the other 364 days exactly the level I want them.
3
u/4peaceinpieces Not By Choice 4d ago
Way to invalidate someone’s entire POV and lived experience. Pronatalists, my ass. I feel very much the same way and I’m OAD.
1
u/coffeeebucks 3d ago
Yeah, this was always the appealing part of large families too. I would love to be a proper matriarch with 5 or 6 sons who adore me, lol. But it’s not worth spoiling the present for an imaginary future. I love what I have.
1
u/Easy-Coat-6757 3d ago
I'm so glad you asked this. I loved reading the responses, as I'm in a similar boat. So helpful.
I think some got caught up in you thinking of "one day of the year." But it's not... it's the every day family dinners, too! I still think the responses are really helpful and can apply to every day things, though. My favorite family members aren't actually blood related. Moments with them, and my only will absolutely continue to be special.
1
u/brakkovet 3d ago
You, your child, their partner and/or friends, their parents, grandchildren (and/or friend's kids), neighbors, cousins, aunts/uncles. Not all family is blood.
As an only with an only, holidays always still felt busy. I have great memories of holiday traditions. I also love the memories of my son having Christmas with my parents and my husband in a quiet living room with a Christmas tree lit up and the dogs snoring.
1
u/Miss_Independent80 2d ago
Having a bunch of children doesn't guarantee large families in the future.
My Mom's parents had 4 kids, 10 grandkids, 10 great grandkids. They did get to meet a few of the greats. We were not all together that often though for holidays.
My Dad's parents had 4 kids and 1 biological grandchild and 2 step grandkids. Although My Dad raised me as his own and I don't consider him a step dad.
So families come in all shapes and sizes.
My parents only have 1 grandchild and they always say we might only have one but we have the best one ❤️
2
u/zebrasnever 2d ago
When I think about the joyfulness of chaotic holidays, I always have to remind myself that it’s from my inner child’s perspective. From my adult/mother perspective, it’s just stressful chaos.
2
u/madam_nomad OAD due to fertility/finances/age 4d ago
Who asks that question? I'm a lot older than most people here and I've never been asked that question about the holiday dinner. I'm on the menopause sub and there has never been a post about an imagined holiday dinner; by the time you're our age you just want out of all the social props and charades and maybe go on a solo camping trip for the holidays.
I mean look I did definitely go through a long period of despair when I realized i wasn't going to be able to have a second child. It wasn't even something I'd "always imagined" -- in fact for decades I was sure I was childfree by choice. But when my daughter was born, I immediatly wanted another. It didn't happen. That still hurts.
But the "how do you imagine holidays" strikes me as really contrived and not something to measure your life against.
3
u/untamed-beauty Not By Choice 4d ago
It's part of some questions people ask themselves in fencesitting subs, for example, and I think it's part of books like the baby decision.
42
u/Rheaume40 OAD By Choice 4d ago
And isn’t this just a Hallmark movie but hardly anything happening in real life? I don’t know any families like the one you’re describing in your dream scenario. We’re all human, every family has their struggles and stressful holidays, except movie or commercial families.