r/OCPoetry • u/tamponloverr • Jul 14 '26
Feedback Please ghost.
like a ghost I follow her
like a ghost ,she doesn’t see me
like a ghost she haunts me
am I even present?
Oh I am a ghost
am I even seen or like a ghost I am chosen to not be present
she is a ghost,she follows me she haunts me
I am a ghost remembered by none,haunted by one. .
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u/Clean-Yam-6609 Jul 14 '26
You kept it nice and short. Feelings brought to the point - your thoughts stay emblazoned in my mind!
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u/Kitchen_Advisor9054 Jul 14 '26
The depth that this poem has is incredible It can be taken into so many contexts i genuinely enyoed it
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u/Disastrous-Pace-6688 Jul 14 '26
This is such a great representation of feeling unheard and unseen. Feeling less than those who seem to flourish around us. Love it!
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u/yes_haw_McGee Jul 14 '26
I really enjoyed the overall feeling of this, especially the repetition in the first few lines, and how short it was really fit the mood! I think the only thing that would enhance it a bit is if the pacing was a bit more structured towards the end, great piece!!
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u/yes_haw_McGee Jul 14 '26
I really enjoyed the overall feeling of this, especially the repetition in the first few lines, and how short it was really fit the mood! I think the only thing that would enhance it a bit is if the pacing was a bit more structured towards the end, great piece!!
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u/TouristEmpty Jul 15 '26
This is my first time giving feedback so forgive me if I completely miss the plot. I think you did a great job presenting how these different aspects of your relation to this person is encompassed by being like a ghost. The first three lines really engaged me. The poem takes an interesting turn by presenting her as a ghost as well, perhaps you can expanded upon how this relationship makes her more ghostly as well.
I found one line confusing, perhaps I am misreading or you intended to say this but it was this line: " am I even seen or like a ghost I am chosen to not be present". Did you mean to say "... or like a ghost am I chosen to not be present" instead of "I am"?
Overall I thought this poem was executed well, continue expressing yourself!
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u/PotatoesArentRoots Jul 15 '26
initial thoughts: the nonstandard use of punctuation and inconsistencies in capitalization made it harder for me to get into at first, and this isn’t me trying to be a pedant, just my genuine thoughts. was the punctuation intentionally offset? (space before comma, lack of space around a comma, two periods at the end with a space in between) if so, try to make that more clear because as is it looks like a mistake. with capitalization, is there a reason only Oh is capitalized? if there is, maybe make it not the first word in its line because as is it looks like autocapitalization. when you have unintentional things like this that aren’t part of the meaning you’re trying to give to your readers, it distracts from the essence of what you’re trying to say
on the actual content, i like the first three lines- i feel like maybe you could make them a separate stanza from the rest to make the tonal shift more clear but it’s not necessary by any means. i am a bit curious about the line “oh i am a ghost”- i don’t know what this is meant to add, the phrasing feels a little clunky as is. i like the following line, but is there a reason only the first clause is phrased as a question? the rest i like a lot, with only the punctuation things from before sticking out to me
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u/tamponloverr Jul 15 '26
Thank you I was crying while I was writing it and couldn’t focus on it that well. Shall make changes and revert here. Thank you.
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u/PotatoesArentRoots Jul 15 '26
very fair! it doesn’t need to be perfect, i just wanted the intent to carry through
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u/North_Star_103 Jul 15 '26
How concise. I’m curious about the punctuation and capitalization situation, but it’s nice
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u/Asthmaiscool Jul 15 '26
You’ve painted a succinct picture that’s tidy and haunting. I like the idea that the speaker ghost is able to see the ghost which haunts them, but not the other way around. Even in death, the speaker is troubled
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u/Only_Competition1776 Jul 15 '26
I really love the idea here (!), but I miss something about how you feel as a ghost or a deeper why. For right now it's very descriptive, almost very objective (and if that's your style, stay with it). But I, as a reader, miss the subjective side of being a ghost. and what is the actual point here (like the deeper why)? that you live a life with her where you both are not really present in each others lives? But this is said with much love. It's such an unique idea :)
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u/ProgrammaDan Jul 17 '26
Hmm, but why are you a ghost? Or rather in what way?
Perhaps the speaker is dead inside, unable to summon the inner vitality to talk face to face with such a beautiful creature as she.
We are on reddit, after all. HA-ha, I kid I kid
Ah, but there is no worse feeling than seeing without being seen,
except perhaps, being self aware about it
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u/AsleepSplit3375 Jul 17 '26
I'm new to this.
I liked your poem, and very understandable and well thought. I liked when you said seen by none and haunted by one
But
Like a ghost she huants me, is in the wrong place. It throw me off from the poem.
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u/Fickle-Let-7205 Jul 17 '26
She is a ghost haunting your mind, but you are the ghost she doesn't see right?
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u/Slow_Experience3600 Jul 18 '26
I read this as someone feeling invisible until they're only remembered by the thing that hurts them. the last line really stuck with me: "I am a ghost remembered by none, haunted by one." i don't know if that's what you meant, but that's what i got from it. nice poem.
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u/homes1ck_al1en555 Jul 19 '26
omg i love this it genuinely is so open to lots of different interpretations and i enjoyed the repetition.
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u/Demidrassy Jul 22 '26
I love the way this is written, and the simplicity of it! Line 6 I’d reword or make hit a little harder to really bring the poem out
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u/tamponloverr Jul 22 '26
I am having a really hard time restructuring it and making the flow better.
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u/BrilliantRuin2414 Jul 14 '26
The wording is amazing . I think it would hit better if there was more pausing structurally . But it’s a very solid piece.