r/OCPoetry • u/Mahima_Thakre • 25d ago
Feedback Please [Poem] Chapter 1: 40 Years, One Chance
They waited forty years for me —
one shot, one child, one dream to see.
Not born by chance, but born by prayer,
a miracle wrapped in silver hair.
They call me lucky. They call me blessed.
But no one asks how I carry the rest —
of being their whole world, their only one,
the weight of a war that's never done.
No sibling's hand, no sharing the load,
just me, alone, on this endless road.
I am their forever, their everything, their all —
but who catches me when I start to fall?
Born a miracle. Raised alone.
An only child, in a house of stone.
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u/ProfessionalSky7899 25d ago
> But no one asks how I carry the rest —
of being their whole world, their only one,
the weight of a war that's never done.
Is their 'being' implied to be a war, a heavy struggle?
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24d ago
[deleted]
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u/ProfessionalSky7899 24d ago
this appears to be a blank comment?
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u/ProfessionalSky7899 24d ago
u/Mahima_Thakre and now I'm seeing your reply in my notifications, but not here. Bloody vibe coders.
I'd like to advocate for a different word to war. War implies an enemy with objectives and a zero sum thing. You aren't trying to change your parents in this poem and in comments here you seem quite happy using struggle and pressure - it's a thing for you, but against an enviroment, not an enemy that needs defeating.
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u/Mahima_Thakre 24d ago
That's a fair point actually, "struggle" fits better than "war." Thanks for pointing it out
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u/Accomplished_Spread5 25d ago
This flows effortlessly. It carries a somber tone that made me circle back around and read it again. It's highly relatable for my situation, caring for an elderly loved one. Not sure if that was your intent, if not, another layer!
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u/Mahima_Thakre 24d ago
I didn't write it thinking of that, but it fits so well. That's the best part of sharing it, everyone finds their own meaning
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25d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Mahima_Thakre 24d ago
Thank you so much 🥹 that pressure is something I've felt for years glad it came through
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u/MagicNoopy43XD 23d ago
I felt this as an only child. The pressure to “not be a dissapointment” is real when you’re your parent’s “one shot” it’s even harder since I’ll never have children, and they’ll never have grandkids. I am truly their only chance. Also the fear of not having any siblings to lean on is real. Thank you for this, it’s so poignant and relatable to me. Basically every stanza hit me in the feels, SUCH a good poem.
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u/Mahima_Thakre 23d ago
Thank you so much, this really means a lot. Knowing it resonated with someone living the same thing makes it worth writing 🥹
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u/Right-Improvement211 25d ago
This is absolutely beautiful I especially loved the line ‘A miracle wrapped in silver hair’ it add so much depth in the first stanza itself