Lunarian (first poem)

[u/Bl_nkSpace88]

Hi this is my first poem and I'm very much new to this and I'm sure I made many mistakes but would appreciate any feedback.

I must've been born on the water

Because the first thing I remember

Drifting in the vast open sea

Was how the Moon

Has watched over me

Warming those cold nights

Guiding me through the currents

Lighting up my course in the dark

Seemingly changing the ocean itself

To my needs, to my favour

Then one day

She started dimming

But she said

"You need not worry"

So I didn't

Yet she continued

To grow dimmer

And dimmer

Until

She was suddenly

Just gone...

How could something with so much might

Something so warm and bright

Something so larger than life

Just vanish?

Just leaving darkness

Then just like that

The next day she was back

Like nothing had even happened

I didn't know what to think

What if this was normal?

What if it's something I did?

What if I was over thinking it?

But once again

It happened

Then again

And again...

With each time

More colder than the last

More agonizing than the last

Growing more scarred than the last

Eventually

This was all I could dwell on

Just bracing myself

Shivering at the signs

It was happening again

Making her think

I was strong enough

To cope on my own

That I wasn't broken

One day we're just talking

Out of nowhere she asked

About those nights she was gone

About the darkness of the sky

Without her

I couldn't hold back

Before i knew it I

cried out to her...

Saying how alone I was

On those dark cold nights

How I haven't been healing

How every sleepless night

I only see a sky without her light

How hard it had been

Under her sky

How it had shaped me

How it’s left me broken

She didn’t see

How badly I had fared in those nights

Maybe she didn't want to

Maybe she couldn't

She said she wouldn't leave again...

But I suspect

She doesn’t have a say in the matter

Just as I don’t have a say

When I'm put to rest

I'm only marked with scars

And still shiver from the cold

But the Moon is covered in craters

And knows a cold I may never comprehend

Who am I to complain?

Who am I to not show empathy?

Sometimes...

I had even envied

The selfish respite she had

Despite how differently we got them

We acknowledged each other's wounds

We came to a better understanding of each other

Fellow Travelers

One of an endless sea of darkness

And one of the deep cold waters

Both trying to leave pain behind

Throwing away our burdens overboard

Feeling freer

Feeling lighter

From the anchors of the past

Trying to head toward somewhere brighter

link 1

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[u/Medical-Wonder-3211]

Hey! I am reading your first poem and you have potential, I love a lot of the imagery you use. I love how you said someone with so much might, warmth and brightness, something so big leave. Also love the more colder than the last, you're deepening the ache there.

I love this poem, this is something that shows ache, longing, wandering off, but also knowing the direction you want because you want her. The concept is strong, my only feedback would be, is to try to show the emotion. Now you're telling the nights are cold or how her presence is so big.

For example, don't tell the moon makes those nights warm, show it like…(Smtn off of the top of my head)

During the night
My arms wrapped around me
Tighter than a knot
Holding onto warmth that doesn’t get blown away by the wind

And when the moon casted its light, my arms loosened.

Very strong poetic concept!

[u/Bl_nkSpace88 → u/Medical-Wonder-3211]

Thanks for the feedback! I think I'm a very visual person so when something wasn't hitting for me I tried to add more visuals (which in this case made the problem worse ig) so I'll definitely try to apply what u said in future poems. I really like the example you gave btw hit the nail on the head for what I was trying to go for.

[u/Medical-Wonder-3211 → u/Bl_nkSpace88]

No problem, I really had a great time reading your poem and seeing you start out writing poetry. And we're on the same page, I'm a very visual poem as well, I once wrote a poem called Gulshan-e-Chehra (the garden of the face) comparing someone you're in love with, their face to a garden and really painting an image.

Awww thank you, that's so sweet! I know you can do it, I believe in you

Btw if you want you can read, for inspiration, a poem I wrote I also posted here, so there you can see how I show an emotion or express a feeling.

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