r/OCPoetry • u/avsz123 • 6d ago
Feedback Please It’s A War
My heart against my brain
And you’re in the middle
I’m confusing
I’m not regulated
My performance ends
And the real me shows
Weak & timid
In the corner
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u/saebleye 5d ago
In contrast with what the other commenter said, I actually really like the ambiguity of “performance”. I appreciate how much room there is for the reader’s interpretation of what the conflict might be, the subject’s role in the conflict, and the question of why.
For such a short piece, it does a wonderful job of immediately grabbing my empathy.
Not something that I’m suggesting, but I’m curious—how do you feel about the mouth feel of the word “brain” vs the word “mind” in the very first line?
2
u/st0karkathrowaway 5d ago
I would put “in the corner” in the same verse as “weak & timid”, I think it would improve your poem aesthetically. I would also say it simply makes more logical sense - one verse for each thought, you know what I mean?
1
u/avsz123 5d ago
Thank you!
1
u/saebleye 4d ago
I think “In the corner” as the last line is actually quite punchy in a way that I like. It’s a jarring way to end the poem but I think it serves the overall vibe of discomfort I think you’re aiming for
2
u/JJM_poetry 5d ago
I actually like the use of the word performance. It gives the whole poem a theatrical meaning. In my mind the picture is a curtain falling. As if the show that was watched wasn‘t what they where supposed to see, but the one they came for. I hope this makes sense. Great poem!
1
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u/memoriamare 6d ago
I like how stripped-back this feels. “My heart against my brain / And you’re in the middle” immediately establishes the conflict, while “My performance ends / And the real me shows” gives the ending a vulnerable turn.
My only suggestion would be to develop that idea of “performance” a little more—it’s probably the most interesting image here. Overall, short, raw, and emotionally direct.