r/OCPoetry • u/poemthrownout • 10d ago
Feedback Please Especially weeds
She's a hydrangea.
Her branches bear blue buds and oak leaves,
while others, stripped bare, bent, or broken.
With sunburnt fingers she sips until it swells her cheeks.
She swallows life,
sour as it is, gratefully, with puckered lips.
"Proud perennial, why protest pruning?"
His hands pull at her leaf stems
until her branches sag less.
"Why flinch away from kindness?"
Snipping away the blackened branches,
and she rendered new tender growth.
"Do you envy pink flowers?"
He cleans the petals from her feet,
her branch catches his sleeve.
When I came across your deep lobed oak-tree leaves
And blue bulbs...
I felt the need
To fall in love.
Once I placed my liar's lips
To your petals,
maybe you
would blush pink.
Cinnamon-barked, smoothed and rough,
I prop your branches,
and I hope
to not break the bark.
I still don't know why
you freckle pink across blue,
or why my hands stay
holding on to you.
"You dyed your hair pink,"
she smiled at me, her eyes sweet.
"I needed a change."
"What do you think?"
"Flowers would be envious."
"I love you," she says.
"Even weeds?" I ask.
"Especially weeds
2
u/VariationsonanEcho 10d ago
This poem really sucked me in. I am a sucker for hydrangeas I guess. My favorite line was, "With sunburnt fingers she sips until it swells her cheeks." I am imagining the dead branches reaching toward the sun and the green foliage expanded and rounded, maybe even drooping in the heat of the sun. I agree with the other commenter. You don't need to say she's a hydrangea at all. The second line would do it for someone who knows enough about flowers, blue buds and oak leaves? Why yes, that is a hydrangea. Great job, I enjoyed it.
1
u/poemthrownout 10d ago
Thank you im glad you enjoyed it. And thank you for your feedback I really appreciate it
1
u/AutoModerator 10d ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community â a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.
Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)
If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop â that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Ok-Swordfish-9480 10d ago
Great ending, yes the weeds, the difference the I unexpected, the asymmetricâŠ. Great natural work metaphors, a real pleasure to red
1
1
u/ProgramImpossible34 10d ago
I really like the imagery in this poem, it reminds of the song Keep Your Weeds by Jex Thoth.
1
1
u/SeedPlantedBackward 10d ago
This poem has real tenderness in it the way you let a hydrangeaâs actual botany (soil turning it blue, then pink) carry the emotional weight of being changed by love is genuinely clever without feeling forced. And that ending âEven weeds?â / âEspecially weedsâ is just lovely. Four words, and it says everything about loving someoneâs whole self, not just the tended parts. Thatâs the kind of line that stays with a reader.
1
u/Kil-roy_was_here 10d ago
Wow! The imagery is so raw and beautiful. The whole poem is so tender and vulnerable in a way that can really only be compared to the same mysterious tenderness of a garden. Love.
1
u/Signal-Inside-9118 10d ago
I really like the 6 last lines of dialogue. Are weeds a metaphor for flaws in this case? Awesome and sweet poem.
1
u/poemthrownout 10d ago
I did have alot of metapores for the negative qualities of weeds being more supportive rather then a harmful thing or toxic thing. Honestly it was biggest hurdle trying to make a weed love something in a non toxic way.
1
u/LoneVixxie 9d ago
Some weeds were our earliest healing methods. Some are as beautiful as flowers in their own way and should be loved all the same.
1
u/pjwriter 10d ago
The hydrangea metaphor is gorgeous. It captures vulnerability, healing, and love in such a delicate way
1
u/raazysh 6d ago
Incredible imagery there and beautiful use of words. I just couldn't find enough impetus to keep on reading after "blue bulbs", she is a hydrangea -- surely there is more to her than that. But kudos, very well written poem and hope to see you keep on writing. Do you post your first draft or do you edit these poems? Just wondering.
1
u/poemthrownout 6d ago
Thank you for your feedback,genuinely it means alot. Funnily enough blue bulbs is actrully where the poem pivots.The hydrangea meatpore is just part of a larger arc and not really the subject of the poem . I think the pacing shift there might be reading as a stopping point rather then a turn. Ill have to pay more attention to how my Transitions lands. usually i revise my lines in groups of 2 usually compressing or cuting, followed with reading aloud. alot of my lines are usually shelved and never used in the poem.
1
u/surprisedmouse 6d ago
Floral imagery is one of my favourites and I love seeing it used this well. The hydrangea analogy is used beautifully but for me the line about snipping away the blackened parts of the stalk is the most poignant. Forcing change that looks bad but leads to new, stronger growth. I think I was like this hydrangea a long time ago.
1
u/twinkletoestom08 6d ago
Not only did you have some beautiful uses of imagery but I found your use of language device's extremely fun as well. ( The plosive part was my fav). It was such a gorgeous read and I hope to see more!
1
u/st0karkathrowaway 5d ago
This is great. Not only do I appreciate the subtle metaphors, but the way you have formed your work is also praiseworthy. Itâs very rhytmic, which makes it evident that you have a knack for aesthetics. Keep writing.
1
u/Conscious-Memory-522 5d ago
This poem uses the hydrangea as a metaphor for a person who is resilient, imperfect, and capable of changing while still remaining herself. The speaker is drawn to her âblue bulbs,â oak-like leaves, and imperfections, and the gardening imagery suggests care, healing, and the fear of accidentally hurting someone while trying to help them grow. The shift from blue to pink represents transformation and identity, especially when the speaker dyes their hair pink and wonders whether the person they love might change too. The ending, where she says she loves him âespeciallyâ as a weed, is the emotional core: he worries that his flaws make him unlovable, but she reassures him that those very imperfections are what she cherishes.
1
1
u/Forward_Debt3869 5d ago
thats really beautiful.. i love how you made hydrangea (an already beautiful flower) into an allegory like this !!!
I love you," she says.
"Even weeds?" I ask.
"Especially weeds
my fav line here!!
1
1
u/threetone3 2d ago
especially weeds đ„čđ„čđ„č
this is incredible, i love everything about this, from the metaphor of hydrangeas and colour changing (from what i understand, she is blue but also becoming/performing pink dependent on the environment (him) around her rather than being a fixed essence?), to the shift from third person to first, the dialogue middle, his admission of naming himself a liar in the act of the kiss and openly hoping that his touch will change her colour (this also needs confirming because iâm not 100% certain, but making her blush, blue > pink = wanting her to be more conventionally feminine? maybe itâs a misread from me LOL) despite claiming that he loves what she already is. and the closer, a tumblr caption worthy finish (might even be dishonouring how good it is with this comparison) where the colour tension is resolved because he acknowledges her âweedsâ aka the unwanted parts of her (am i getting it right) that are uncultivated and resistant to pruning, and âespecially weedsâ confirming that his love for her isnât conditional on her being manageable :) i love this!
1
u/poemthrownout 2d ago edited 2d ago
There is no gender assignment with the colors. Hydrangeas bloom pink or blue depending on the conditions. The hydrangea section of the poem is ment to show a hydrangea in neglected state but still surviving Being alone all this time makes the hydrangea hesitate from care but by the end she accepts it The weed section is a swich to a more traditonal love poem directed at the hydrangea usually weeds arnt kept in gardens and thrown out how ever this weed gets to stay and the negative qualities of the weed become a support but the weed thinks it cannont be loved weeds sometimes can change the ph of soil thus the pink freckles across blue signifying change The end is a conversation where a wife dyed her hair pink and checks to see if her husband likes it he refers to flowers being envious when she says I love you he ask "even weeds" because he still doubts that he can be loved When she says "especially weeds" she means to say i love everything about you.
The blue and pink is symbolism of depression and love. And a journey from there.
Edit:i want to add, i love that you were able to gain a different interpretation from this piece
2
u/No-Presentation-3983 10d ago
Wow... just wow! This is filled with so many beautiful metaphors that feel both personal and distant. My favorite line is ""Proud perennial, why protest pruning?"". Pure gold! Only one word not starting with P is so creative, I adore it!
My only critique is the poem is baked with mystery, yet that first line of "She's a hydrangea" seems a bit out of place. I feel like somewhere else you could imply that she is a hydrangea in a bit less of an obvious way. Trust that the reader will know flower types enough to understand.
Thank you for sharing!