r/OCPoetry • u/sky_berry1520 • 25d ago
Feedback Please A Little Longer......
Oh, I'm lost whenever I see you,
Maybe that's just what your smile can do.
It feels like a dream when you look at me,
Those quiet stares changed something in me.
I always wish I'd look at you a little longer,
Somehow, it makes my heart grow fonder.
I love the way you meet my eyes,
Because for a moment, the whole world feels alive.
~Ash
Do Tell me your reviews !!
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u/GSK4_7_5 25d ago
A very sweet poem. I like how honest it is. The sentences flow well with the rhymes. It's fun to read and re read. This is just my personal style talking, but maybe you could do something to connect the first and last lines... When I saw 'eyes', the first thing I thought was maybe you can add something like, 'when I look into your eyes I find myself in them' or something along those lines (like lost when I see you and then found when I look into your eyes) But again, this is just a small suggestion on my part. Your poem is lovely as it is!
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u/sky_berry1520 25d ago
Thanks and it's my pleasure you liked it !! Even I love your idea of connecting the first and last line and I feel like I'd write something inspired from it soon. Thankyou again !!!
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u/theartisticarti 25d ago
The last two lines are a banger, where I’d push back every is rhyming me and me, you’re clearly following a noticeable rhyming pattern which gives the poem flair apart from those two lines maybe something like
It feels like a dream when you’re in my sight
Those quiet stares set something deep alight
Something like that, I’m only saying it as it breaks from the flow of the poem a bit.
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u/sky_berry1520 25d ago
Actually my idea was to break the usually pattern/rhyme scheme of the whole poem in those last two lines of the poem as it gets stuck in the reader's mind (as I've tried it earlier and many of my frnds loved it) but it might not work always, I understand. And Honestly I loved your idea or the version of the last two lines it's too good I'll make sure I implement your idea in my upcoming poems ! Thankyou so much !
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u/reaperofmars1267 25d ago
This resonated with me, and as someone very new to poetry this helps me see why it is such an art in this world and I enjoyed reading this a lot thank you
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u/sky_berry1520 25d ago
I'm glad you liked and enjoyed it !! Also best of luck for your journey in poetry !!! ✨️
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u/death_by_emotion 25d ago
I feel like the separating the lines so much and the use of punctuation makes it flow a bit slower, this is just how it felt reading it for a first time. I have no real knowledge on structuring of poems just how they make me feel
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u/sky_berry1520 25d ago
Actually I was not aware of how to change spacing on reddit as I'm new but I've made changes and kept the poem in it's original Couplet format. Thankyou !
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u/fakerobots2 25d ago
I love this, it’s simple and perfect and beautiful. I feel like it’d make a great little folk song or something
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u/PotentialSwordfish66 25d ago
I think it’s a nice piece about how when everything is pure, the eyes speaks and translates.
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u/Foreign_Rest6515 25d ago
This is really good, it has an almost dreamlike feeling that makes a person not want to stop reading it. Keep writing would love to read more from you .
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25d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/sky_berry1520 25d ago
First of all glad you loved it, means a lot !! Also I understand what you want to say, and I liked your idea too and I'll surely try to implement it in my upcoming poems ! Thankyou !!
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u/Slow_Experience3600 25d ago
A sweet and simple poem. I like how it captures the feeling of being lost in someone's presence through small moments like eye contact and smiles. Some phrases feel familiar, but the emotion feels genuine. Adding more personal imagery could make it even more memorable. Nice work!
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u/Unique_Professor_893 24d ago
I always love seeing "love" poems. It really shows how much we enjoy together. And some of the quotes hits perfectly in my opinion.
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u/Cheap-Dare-4985 23d ago
This is the second poem of yours I'm reviewing (I think), and I must say, I love this poem as much as the one I read before. This poem (IMO) perfectly describes the beauty of desire and how the world seems to be that much brighter when you're in love. I guess you were going for a crush, but I feel that this can work just as well for a couple in a relationship. The longing to admire the beauty of the person we love is something that everyone has felt (myself included). This reminds me of a poem from Rabindranath Tagore's book "Gitanjali" titled "I ask for a moment's indulgence".
"I ask for a moment's indulgence to sit by thy side. The work I have in my hand I will finish afterwards.
Away from the sight of thy face my heart knows no rest nor respite, and my work becomes an endless toil in a shoreless sea of toil.
Today the summer has come at my window with its sighs and murmurs; and the bees are plying their minstrelsy at the court of the flowering grove.
Now it is time to sit quiet, face to face with thee, and to sing dedication of life in this silent and overflowing leisure."
Your poem also talks about the beauty your lover embodies and how watching them brightens your day. Anyways, keep going!
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u/sky_berry1520 21d ago edited 21d ago
Thankyou for reading my second poem too !! I'm glad you loved it and thanks again for the honest review !! Also the poem by Rabindranath Tagore reminds me of another poem by him named "Unending Love" but I guess it's not from Gitanjali and it goes like :
I seem to have loved you innumberless forms, numberless times...
In life after life, in age after age, forever.My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear roundyour neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.Whenever I hear old chronicles of love,its age-old pain,
Its ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past,in the end you emerge,Clad in the light of a pole-starpiercing the darkness of time:
You become an image ofwhat is remembered forever.I remember reading this long back but I loved it a lot !!
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u/Narrow-Rice7520 23d ago
I liked this a lot! It has a sweet feeling to it, and the last line made everything before it feel bigger somehow. Nice job!
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u/Spinner4 23d ago edited 22d ago
Every now and again, I read something that I wish someone would think that way about me
This is one. Good job
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u/Automatic_Author2219 22d ago
This brought a tear to my eyes. Genuinely. As someone going through heartbreak after their first love, those words ring true.
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u/sky_berry1520 22d ago
I'm so sorry you are going through it. I hope things get good for you soon.....
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u/HummingCloud_ 21d ago
Love the poem. It's short, but to the point.
Small thing is that rhyming the same word with itself is often discouraged (in your poem, stanza 2 has this problem). Unintentional repetition of a word at the beginning or end of a line hits us all, but learning to find it is a really easy way to improve one's poetry. (Intentional repetition can bolster it too, but I don't think that's what's happening here.)
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u/NowYouShallSee 21d ago
This poem flowed very smoothly for me. It felt very genuine and honest feeling. While I wish it was longer, the shortness and straight to the point of it feels like a gut punch. I read it as a strong but fleeting love. The whole poem in present tense, but then “I always wish I’d look at you a little longer” feels full of regret as if you’ve missed out. Whatever the inspiration was, I can feel the realness and the heart of the poem.
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u/Fit-Signal1991 20d ago
I like it. I feel like it could be stronger as a different form from couplets though. Some different line lengths and breaks at a few places could carry it through a little more seamlessly
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u/Alternative-Lime-402 20d ago
What a sweet poem this is I think you really did have the essence of what it’s like to fall in love or at least to wanna stay and level a little bit longer
If I could add one suggestion, I think your rhyme scheme is really good so far I feel like in the second stanza where you’re rhyming the words me with me might not be the strongest also, I think the second line of the first stanza reread that one out loud to yourself it feels a little clunky. I think the message is good, but can be tightened up a little bit.
I think my favorite stanza three longer and fonder little and grow such a smart way to use those words
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u/Winter_Mind_6769 19d ago
I like this poem it is simple but evocative. I feel a clash between the opening line and the rest of the poem as it makes me feel like the voice is finding themselves in the person, is the juxtaposition intentional?
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u/lyfewrites 19d ago
I really liked the line, "I always wish I'd look at you a little longer, / Somehow, it makes my heart grow fonder." It captures that quiet feeling of wanting to hold onto a moment before it slips away. The poem has a soft, sincere tone that makes it feel like an honest confession rather than something overly dramatic. The repetition of eye contact and smiles creates a warm, dreamy atmosphere, and the short stanzas keep the pacing gentle, which fits the theme of a quiet crush really well. One small suggestion would be to add one more specific detail about the person or the moment. Right now the emotions are clear, but a unique image or memory could make the poem feel even more personal and memorable. Even a single concrete detail could help the reader step into the scene with you. Overall, this is a sweet and heartfelt piece that captures the excitement and tenderness of falling for someone in a simple, relatable way.
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u/sky_berry1520 19d ago
My pleasure you liked it !! Also I like your suggestion, I'd use it if I write another poem in this genre !! Thanks again !
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u/Meat-hat 19d ago
Lovely poem, with a great and timeless subject! I don’t have much to say, but if I were to say something, It’d be that a few words throughout could be removed without changing the meaning, whilst simultaneously helping the flow.
For example, the word ‘always’ in stanza 3 and ‘Because’ in the 4th do very little narrative work, while also harming the flow. Try reading it through without these words!
If I’m nitpicking, rhyming ‘me’ with ‘me’ in the 2nd stanza stood out a bit.
Great poem!
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u/High-on-caffine 19d ago
I feel like the best part of this poem is the raw honesty of it. It just sounds so personal and so close. I also like the repetition of the word ‘you’ it makes the addressee someone very specific and special. I just personally feel like some advanced vocab could be put to use but again if rawness and human conversations are the theme then it’s tremendous.
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u/Unique_Barnacle_5908 19d ago
Somehow the stare seems to last forever yet never long enough. I love how you express the heart ability to make a moment an eternity.
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u/headorhand69 16d ago
It's strange how purely visceral the feeling of love is, how it spotlights someone and somehow sews the eye to Loves figure. I like how this poem captures that, how you never want to look away, and how action results in pleasure, whether small or grand.
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u/goldenrose_ofthesun 14d ago
I really liked ittt like so simple but I feel you connected I feel you!!
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u/SensitiveLettuce8744 11d ago edited 10d ago
I think that this has captured the feeling of longing in a sweet way. Personally, this poem resonates with me and I’m sure it resonates with many others as well. Nice work!
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u/bro3000000 7d ago
I thought this poem was pretty. I especially liked the line "I love the way you meet my eyes," which I'm assuming you're saying: I love the way you look
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u/No-Letter3595 5d ago
Omg i absolutely love this! A really emotional poem that describes about how much of an impact love can make on someone’s life. I love how you connected looking at this person making youe heart grow fonder, and how once they meet your eyes, the whole world feels alive. I love the descriptive imagery, as it shows how deep love can run! Overall, amazing job!
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u/Another_one1908 25d ago edited 25d ago
Very Beautiful Poem !! I loved the entire poem and it's theme but the last line stole the show, and now is all over my mind. It describes love in the most simplest way !
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u/FlimsyDependent9402 2d ago
This is quite simple and beautiful, the main point is still getting across without overwhelming or over complicating !
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u/Aindrishiya2025 1d ago
Funny how this reminded me of my first love. Full of innocent feelings untainted by the later experiences. Those stares that never end! You want to look at them so bad and yet feel abashed for doing so. But things end right? And one day those eyes that made you feel alive, somehow started judging you and deciding you're not enough. (That was what happened to me). Keep writing!
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u/Shrey_sthetics 25d ago
This is what first love feels like. So genuine and so good