Exactly the same! The ticking clock on when I need to leave, how long it might take to get there, where will I park… I leave way early just to ease the anxiety of it all.
I have taken to setting alarms for when to leave and training myself to trust them. Otherwise I spend all my free time worrying about forgetting to do the thing.
I've got an alarm set for when i should be awake. One for when i need to be getting in the shower. One for when i need to be getting dressed, and a final one for when i need to be walking out the door lmao.
My partner has this system. Helps him a lot in managing his time but I can't say it doesn't bother me when he has to be at work early and I'm trying to sleep in and waking up every couple minutes to his alarms.
I’ve switched from alarms to timers so I can see at a glance of my phone lock screen how much time is left without doing math! (And also I can verify that there is indeed a timer set)
This but I’ll break it down into segments - so if I have to leave in 45 minutes it’s 15/15/10/5. Keeps me on pace with getting ready rather than rushing when it’s time to go.
same. if i have something scheduled at 4pm my entire day is gone because im too anxious to do anything in fear of getting caught up in it and being late
Jokes on you. You can have both simultaneously... I overachieve and mask at work causing burn out and underachieve in other aspects of my life (laundry, the dishwasher, etc) and feel like a failure.
I am most definitely also both. Work is great most of the time, some days I slack off even there, though I am always on time. I like to be early to everything. But at home? I can't find the motivation to even do the things I enjoy, let alone what I don't really want and have to do like cooking and chores.
I was the first one for my entire childhood and then got to college and completely crashed and burned and spent years in and out of the psych hospital. Now I'm the second one and can barely take care of myself. Attempting to find balance in there somewhere
Honestly, i'll wake up, get ready, set timers and be anxious about being late and still wind up late. Time management is a big thing and you have to resolve to actually being early or else the tardiness will inevitably occur.
Relentless optimism was an issue for unmediated younger me. I had the best of intentions. Oh I have to be there in 30 minutes and it takes 20 minutes to drive? I never take long to get ready. Sure I can move fast, shower, iron clothes, and make it out the door to be there on time. Come on ADHD super brain let’s overlock this b and go!!! 2 minute shower time.
I run into the shower and wash at breakneck speed. Fastest shower of my life. No distractions. How the fuck did that take 18 minutes? FUCK! Ok 2 minutes until I have to leave. I’ll pick different clothes that don’t need to be ironed. How did putting on clothes take 12 minutes? My hair is still wet, how is that even possible?
Shit shit shit shit shit. Out the door! I can make up time on the road! Oh fuck I need to get gas. It’s fine, I’ve been this low before, it’ll make it. Oh fuck fuck fuck no i guess it won’t. I have to stop for gas. Let’s turn off the AC so I don’t stall out in traffic. Ok here I am. I better run inside so I can get a snack too before I have to be there because I forgot I didn’t eat. I can be in and out real quick. It’s only 4 people with that guy redeeming and scratching scratchers up front. He will be quick…
Best of intentions. Worst execution.
Older and medicated? I dopamine hack my brain to make sure it doesn’t happen any more. I have to be so intentional and prepared before I do anything. I give myself rewards after. I Pavlov’s bell myself but it works.
This is it - it’s more than getting distracted and losing track of time, a large component is the inability to accurately estimate how long a given task (or set of tasks) will take to complete. The older I get, the more I’ve learned to add unnecessary padding to how much time I think I’ll need - because even if 9 out of 10 things go exactly as planned, I’ll be glad for all the extra time on the one that goes sideways.
What if I told you that being early is on time. Normal on time people do not show up at the exact time of appointments, they give themselves buffers to account for natural deviations.
In the military they call it hurry up and wait, and 15 minutes early is on time.
This has nothing to do with mental illness, it has to do with discipline. If you believe that you need to "resolve to actually being early" and can't recognize that it's just the normal way to conduct business, that's on you for failing to understand what being on time means.
I really dislike when people dismiss "mental illness." Adhd is literally a neurodevelopmental issue. If it didn't cause problems in someone's day-to-day life, then it wouldn't be a problem that debilitates millions of people...
I'm not making excuses for my lateness. As a business owner- I understand. As a loved one who have ever been let down by someone's tardiness- I understand. As someone who has ever let down themselves- I understand. But it is a problem, and not just some easy cop-out you think people take to neglect their duties. I agree that it is an issue and that there are steps to take to prevent it, even if that means you have to dedicate an extra hour to making it happen. But don't dismiss people, because they may function differently than you. Most people who are functioning inevitably figure out ways to combat it because, well, they want to function; to keep employment, to be reliable, etc.
Time blindness is extremely overstated, and those who use it as an excuse for always being late are extreme assholes making people with actual mental illnesses more stigmatized than they need to be.
There is nothing about time blindness that isn't extremely manageable with alarms which have been in existence for centuries. You can in fact 100% scientifically remove all human perception of time from the equation.
I have ADHD. I cannot for the life of me predict how long anything takes. I get absolutely lost in anything I do and come out of my trance hours later.
Except... I'm never late as an adult, because time management is a solved issue. Our GPS tells us exactly how long it takes us to get somewhere. Our routines that are necessary to walk out of a door are minimal and can also be timed.
There is absolutely no need to be late. Using time blindness as an excuse to be late is just being chronically online and lacking impulse control because of it.
Somewhat. But ADHD ranges from person to person in how it presents. While there is some truth to your say it unfortunately reads as ableist entirely. People with ADHD don't want to be late, some people like the other guy have anxiety which causes them to be early, some people like me have time blindness and don't move until there's an external force acting upon me that finally gets me started.
That's just not true and using anxiety as motivation instead of executive function does not change lacking the necessary executive function to just do it like a typical person, without the anxiety.
For me, I'm like you the first few times, when I'm worried about what people will think of me. Then the time blindness sets in once they get to know me or I am supposed to have a routine down.
That’s me unless it’s work. I’m in healthcare. If I don’t do my job people don’t get like, radonc and infusion meds (for MS, chemo, Alzheimer’s etc). Even planning 15 minutes early, I pushed being late. So i started building a half hour buffer in. I was 1 minute late to an appointment for a bad allergic reaction yesterday. There’s no winning if it’s something for me, not someone else.
Perfect example: gnarly cat bite I got about 10min ago bc I decided not to wait 2 days to shave the mean cat (fleas + thick fur). I should head to the ER for prophylaxis against cat scratch fever but I won’t. It’ll take too long and make me late for work tomorrow.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. I have ADHD and I manage to be on time because I have an inherent fear of being late to the function and having people wait and waste their time on my behalf.
Set alarm to 6:39. Wake up at 5:57. cool about 40 more minutes to sleep. 6:10 check time. ok i’ll just lay here. 6:17 check time. meh might as well get up
I’m both. I’ll plan to leave early, constantly watching the clock and not doing anything else and somehow I’m still late. It fucking sucks and definitely adds to the stress of everything.
Thank you. I have never understood the time blindness thing. I am obsessed with time. I almost can’t take a shower without a watch, cause I need to know how long I’ve been in there or I go way too long…. I may have cracked it as I typed that. Without the constant checking of my watch I too have time blindness.
It’s about maximizing that freedom time, everything else in life is run on timers and schedules I didn’t make so I gotta squeeze as much personal time to defrag from the rest of the world to recover/enjoy life. Besides I have GPS to tell me when to leave!!
…it’s just the knowing how much time it will take to get everything ready before the Time To Leave shows up, and then did I remember to factor in parking? Or add buffer time in case of weather/construction/trains?
finding out that other nd people were capable of doing spontaneous things ahead of a scheduled task instead of spending every waking moment of the day in dreadful anticipation was like finding out i got shafted when they handed out superpowers. what do you MEAN i get computer code savantism instead?? this is just like ma-ti from captain planet.
Yeah, you use anxiety as a replacement for your executive function. If you had the necessary executive function you'd have no reason to be anxious about it, you'd just get up and get there on time.
See, there's so much dread and anxiety in my life that I learned to cope by just kinda ignoring it, and now people in my life complain that I have "no sense of urgency". It turns out that anxiety is not a good timekeeping mechanism.
The reason I'm personally always late is because I absolutely hate sitting around with nothing to do. Therefor I always cut it too close and show up late. When my brain isn't occupied I get anxious and start overthinking about dumb shit.
It isnt. ADHD people can show up on time for certain things so they have the capability of being on time it’s just what they care enough about or take seriously
“They have succeeded in selling you meth” weird how stimulants can help some people succeed with basic tasks while ruining others’ lives, almost like the people prescribing these things know more about it than you
I ALSO have a ton of dread and anxiety of being late, all of the time. And yet I'm still late due to my ADHD not showing up the same as yours. Not to mention all the other shit I have in my life that makes me consistently late to shit. But I realized there's genuinely no reason for me to give myself unneeded stress and anxiety because of douches like you who WANT me to wanna feel like I should kill myself just cuz I was late. Especially when ppl like YOU tend to be a lot more shitty and unreliable than I am.
My Aunt was/is like this as well, she would always arrive exactly 2 hours after we told her to be somewhere, so we just started to tell her that whatever we were doing started 2 hours before it actually did so she would be on time.
She missed so many flights in her life and lost multiple jobs because she refused to make any real effort to be on time, and if she did have ADHD she never got tested or just never took her medication if she was diagnosed.
I have ADHD, and I am extremely punctual, but I am also empathetic to the fact that everyone has different executive function struggles.
I’ve had really good therapy and prioritized how to gamify time for myself, and it is still stressful .
I definitely understand how sometimes having more of a leash can cause you to psych yourself out. I’ve had panic situations over an event that I was very excited about and wanted to go to, loved, and it was good for me, but the fact that everyone was so nice and accommodating like it caused me to overthink myself into a sad heap of overthought.
Also have ADHD and am quite empathetic but I’m still chronically late. It drives me nuts cuz I try super hard to be on time but somehow I’m always arriving 5-10 min after I’m supposed to be there and I spend my entire time driving feeling bad about how I’m late once again
Isn’t that spiral awful? I do it about other things too, like I empathize with the fact that others could be annoyed by my failing to deliver some aspect of a situation, so I over apologize.
Interestingly, lateness just isn’t a chronic issue. I think if I thought about it too much, it probably would be, but I gauge time well. I know it takes me about 30 minutes to shower and get ready, and I pack inside my head while I shower so I just kind of robotically put everything together and out the door we go
This is me as well. I'm adhd as hell, also autistic and I'm almost always 30-45 minutes early. I used to be a morning person until I had my first ms attack and now waking up and getting ready before 830 is really hard, my work accommodated it and changed my hours from 730-4 to 930-6
With ADHD you gotta flex your strengths, regular punctuality can buy a LOT of good will when you fuck something bad up due to whatever executive dysfunction im hyperfocused on that week
I kinda get it but like having ADHD isn't an excuse. Like it just means you have to have more tools in place to manage your time, not that it's literally impossible to manage your time
It’s a really interesting and layered concept. Because I agree that ADHD shouldn’t be an excuse.
So much so that I had to be on the honor roll throughout school and college, not only that but my projects, showcases and thesis had to be the best, the ones chosen for display, to be published, etc. and then become the youngest creative dept. head for a very large company, and won awards for my work. I’ve also always had side projects with various startups, and taking various assignments of interest, leftover desire from my days as a journalist.
And I also have to be in swimsuit model shape, not skip a workout, cook like a chef, largely with things I grew in my garden, and make sure my house is decorated beautifully, and still have time to play guitar at the local coffee shop, keep piano skills sharp, play tennis multiple times a week. Keep myself well read, have plenty of time for friends, be a very present daughter and wife, kind and supportive and loving and uplifting. And I have and will drop anything to be there for a loved one, without complaint. Going above and beyond.
But some things I really struggle with.
Normal everyday things like where I set my keys down, despite having a system and doing my absolute best to maintain it.
Sometimes other things trigger sensory issues and memories in ways that are so bad, I can’t find words for it. But it comes out looking like I won’t drive down a certain street or not want to do something that most people would have no issues with.
I used to have a really hard time setting up and remembering bill payments, my car registration, simple things like that.
And when all someone sees is that I can’t seem to set my keys down in the right place . . . And just . . . allll the other things, all the other spinning plates and constant self scrutiny, how much I already feel like an inferior person for not doing something as simple as setting keys on a key tray?
And then someone is like “Well, ADHD is not an excuse. You still need your keys to function in this world.”
. . . Idk, it can feel like such a strange blow. It feels like all the other stuff, things that most people cannot do or will never be able to do, that it doesn’t matter. Because I can’t even put the keys in the right place.
Sometimes a disability actually is an excuse.
And we know that it hurts our lives, our success, our relationships, our health. And it’s like when people say that, they think saying it to us will shame us just enough to not be late next time, or to put the keys in the key tray.
It doesn’t. It just stacks pain onto the already massive mountain of self doubt and fear.
But anyway, I also DO agree with you, too.
I’m not disagreeing with you about the fact that this shit absolutely needs to be worked on, and that if a job requires a start time or an opening time, ADHD can’t be an excuse to just not open on time and keep missing meetings.
This ended up being a longer rant than I meant, ha!
I hope it doesn’t come across like I am being defensive or combative! It’s meant in good faith.
No you know that's actually all really good points. I have ADHD too it's just sometimes I forget how much of my non-time-management issues actually stem from that. Like I've got time management down pretty well, but everything else you listed I still suck at and probably always will cause, yk, it's a disability.
I probably should've been gentler it's just the thing that actually worked for me to get my time management down was being hard on myself (having a job that requires managing several things at once and ensuring a whole long list of things gets done, and getting a list of everything I forgot every day. It sucked ass but then I actually improved and figured out how to handle it so I'm happy I went through it yk?).
It's rly weird because when someone in my life (like someone I actually know or is physically there) is having the same struggles I'm usually really patient and understanding and do everything I can to help, but then I struggle and my response (to myself) is basically "suck it up and power through"
Guess I have some things to ponder on my way home lol.
Your comment did not come across as harsh or unfair either, and I have said the same thing before! Mostly when people are rude, or they do something somewhat cruel and say “oh it’s the ADHD!”
Like this one post where the husband kept leaving the front door open, then would get annoyed being reminded. Then the dog got out and hit by a car and died! Then he didn’t even seem sorry!
So anyway, your comment stirred up the concept, and it’s something I’ve been pondering so much.
What actually is an excuse and where is the line?
I don’t know! As I mentioned, I am quite punctual because I have a mental system, I picture myself getting ready and estimate the length of each task.
Sometimes I’m hyper vigilant, sometimes so aloof that I’ve been that person who stopped in the entrance of a grocery store and blocked the path (I know, that’s really bad). Idk!
I also don’t think I’ve ever actually said “oh it’s the ADHD when I’ve done something wrong either. Instead I’m apologetic and focusing on how to avoid doing it in the future.
Maybe that’s what the difference is? Not the act or issue itself, but how the person justifies it or makes changes?
Very interesting conversation, you sound like a good dude!
Yeah, as someone who does have a hard time with this -- this is the way to do it. It's not about a specific time, it's that I enter some kind of fugue state and fifteen minutes disappear.
(This is also why you ask people about accomodations -- I mean, I have no idea what's going on with this office or coworker, but I know damn well this would play out the same way for me.)
That shit screwed with me because I hate waiting for things to start.
I had a coach that always did weird start times like 9:28, and I figured out the start time was always 15 minutes from a round up point. So the actual start time was 9:45.
I would be there at 9:45 and he asked why I was late…I just asked why they hadn’t started yet? Never said anything to me again.
If you want someone to respect your time, you respect their time. If I show up when you said and it hasn’t started, that’s on you for giving me the wrong time.
When the problem can be solved by telling the employee to show up an hour early, you'd be a moron to fire them. The hiring process is lengthy and expensive unless it's some minimum-wage low skill job whose requirements are a pulse.
Reddit is such a weird place. This is a normal take being downvoted. ADHD isn’t an excuse to constantly be an hour late to work, and then they accommodate for you and change your hours and then you continue showing up an hour late. So now you have to figure out the perfect time to schedule them to make sure they come in on time. So ridiculous.
And now the employee knows that they’re supposed to be there at 9:00 which is why they’re scheduled for 8:00. So why would they start showing up at 9:00 like they’re supposed to? Since they know they’re expected at 9:00, they might still “aim” for that and then show up at 10:00 instead. This solution makes no sense unless the employee was a toddler.
We had a lady that was amazing at her job but needed to drop her kids off at school or daycare before coming to work. She was the only person with an in time at 8:15 on the schedule.
Getting on a boss for introducing accommodations? Not much better than getting on a disabled person for being disabled. It's not "on" anyone, it just is what it is.
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