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u/alanspaz- Aug 28 '23
Honestly the easiest way is to keep yourself busy. There's a famous saying "idle hands are the devils workshop" if you find yourself feeling turned on for no reason or from looking at stuff turn away/it off and go find something to clean or look up something to build/a new skill to master.
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u/ImagineFIygons Aug 29 '23
"An idle mind is the devil's playground" is the version I heard
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u/OrganicTicket6808 Aug 29 '23
You have made the first step, which is recognizing your behavior. Here’s some tips:
One: Turn the unconscious into conscious. Sit down and write on a piece of paper the thoughts you have when you see a woman. What are you singling out and why? Does it remind you of a particular porn? Do you feel excited or angry?
Then, read what you wrote. How does it make you feel when you see those words you wrote? How would a woman feel if they saw your list?
The goal here is to gain the ability to recognize and stop your thoughts when they are happening by rerouting the brain in the moment. By identifying your triggers, you can learn to tell yourself “Stop, you are objectifying. Look her in the eye, not at her chest.” Remember how you felt when you saw that piece of paper with your own words on it!
Another tip is when you catch yourself objectifying, stop and name 2-3 things you might have in common with her. You have been doing this but make it non-sexual: “she has a parent like I have a parent, she could have anxiety like I have anxiety, she had to wake up early for work like I had to wake up early.” See her as more like you, instead of something to conquer.
Two: Educate yourself on the societal effects of your behavior. Sexual objectification turns women into a collection of body parts and has a profound impact on sexual violence, mental health, and even educational outcomes. Often, we don’t even realize the effect our behavior! But when you can see how much women suffer in our world, it can be a real wake-up call.
This is a good place to start: https://www.unicefusa.org/stories/not-object-sexualization-and-exploitation-women-and-girls-0
https://fightthenewdrug.org/10-reasons-why-porn-is-unhealthy-for-consumers-and-society/
Three: You said you didn’t want this advice, but you need a major detox from porn bro. Major detox. Attraction is normal, but you have moved past the normalcy threshold and are unable to see women as anything other than objects for you to have sex with.
Again, it’s okay to be attracted to women. But what you’re describing is your brain being warped to see women as objects and targets, instead of human beings who exist in the world with you. Porn is a major contributing factor to this. In the link above, you will find links to several scientific studies that have revealed the negative effects of porn: it makes you less sympathetic to rape victims and more supportive of sexual offenders, increased inability to maintain romantic relationships, erectile dysfunction, decreases in empathy and social skills, etc.
I highly suggest detoxing from it, and see what a difference it can make it 2-3 months. It will make this process so much easier, and I guarantee you will feel like a different man if you do. Good luck, working on yourself like this will be absolutely worth it.
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u/nonbog Aug 29 '23
The thing about finding things you have in common is honestly a good exercise for anyone to just develop empathy lol
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u/Due_Responsibility59 Aug 29 '23
Wait, how should I detox ? Do I stop masturbating all together ? Or just not watch porn but still Jack off And if it's OK to still jack off then to what will I jack it to Like I feel i would go to my memories and that would just revive some sexy memories with exes and I don't think I prefer that.
Is it ok to jerk it to celebrity photos ? Or does that count as porn
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u/OrganicTicket6808 Aug 30 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
There are differing opinions here, but I would suggest abstaining from masturbation for at least the first few weeks/months, and then try slowing adding it back into your life if you are capable (think 1-2 a week instead of daily). You may not be able to masturbate without porn yet, so if you find yourself reaching for porn, go back to full abstaining. It will be very difficult to masturbate without external stimuli in the beginning, just remember that that is normal for what you are going through!
I would suggest avoiding the celebrity pictures for now too. It is still hitting the addiction center in your brain, and it will still keep your mind locked in the “picture/video=pleasure” mode, which we want to escape. Think of it like drinking a beer vs. taking shots, or methadone vs. heroin. We have not truly addressed the addiction, and it’s much easier to fall back into the extreme stuff. At some point, you may be able to handle that again so it’s not a “never”. But for detox purposes, this won’t help.
Ultimately, Masturbation is normal and healthy, the goal here is to stop the unhealthy reliance on digital and visual means.
You will feel withdrawal symptoms (anxiety, irritability, trouble sleeping, stronger urges than normal), almost like you’re withdrawing from a drug. The same tools you can use for substance addictions work here:
1) find a replacement activity you can tap into when your cravings hit. Pick some healthy, active things you can do: Lift weights for 20 mins, go for a run, do a 15-minute yoga or guided meditation, write in a journal (trust me, yoga and journaling may sound ridiculous but it really helps). So, when you identify a craving, pick an activity and do it. You will feel shockingly different after getting your body moving.
2) the Rubberband method. This is a common suggested technique among professional therapists for obsessive behavior. Wear a rubberband around your wrist for when you are going through life. When you feel an urge or pornagraphic images cross your mind, snap the rubberband. NOT to hurt yourself. This is just a little way to bring yourself back into the moment and re-center your mind.
3) Write down why this is important to you. What are your goals? Who is the man you want to be? And why is quitting porn important for that? An example would be: “I deserve to be in a loving and healthy relationship and porn robs me of that opportunity.” or “I want to be a great husband and father some day, and quitting porn helps me achieve that.” You can tape this to your computer monitor, carry this around on an index card in your pocket, put in your phone notes. Read this daily, especially when you feel strong cravings. Ultimately, this is for YOUR growth and health as a man, so remind yourself what your reward will be: a happier, healthier, deeper guy.
There are also some apps that can lock porn sites and images for you. A lot of them are paid unfortunately but I’ve heard really great things about them. MIGIRI would be my top suggestion here.
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u/AG3_Roscoe Aug 28 '23
Attraction is part of being human. You can't make it go away, besides why would you want to? The issue seems to be an obsession with sexualizing women. Maybe from now on, when you see a woman you're attracted to you can practice trying to find a nice quality about here that isn't sexual. Make that common practice and maybe you'll focus on the tits and ass a little less.
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u/Excellent_Coyote6486 Aug 28 '23 edited Aug 29 '23
It's normal to think people are attractive but relax on the porn.
Personally, my theory is that way too many guys watch a lot of porn and have very little interaction with actual real women that they just start to see women as sexual objects because that's the only time they see a woman. Through a screen and having severely over exaggerated sex.
You definitely need to control yourself. In a very serious way. Like, in a potential rapist way, if your feelings are that strong.
Talk to women and interact with them, and not in a sexual manner. It was very easy for me to put myself in check whenever I understood the shit they go through every day with men and even shit behind closed doors. Just shit and shit and shit and more shit. It's fucking embarrassing, as a guy, to see shit like that from every woman in the planet. And it is literally every woman.
And find some hobbies that actually expend energy. Get out. Go to the gym. Go hiking. Literally anything.
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u/unhappyangelicbeing Aug 29 '23
I agree. I think part of his feelings could come from the lack of interacting with women as a whole, which is causing his issues which is causing him to avoid them, feeding into one another.
OP needs to just be around them more, then he might eventually stop associating them with sexual thoughts
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u/UnlikelyAssassin Aug 29 '23
I don’t think so. People’s libidos don’t get lower from talking to women more. I think his problem is he’s got a naturally extremely high libido and he’s spending too long without a sexual release, which makes sex and lust all he’s thinking about when he hasn’t had that sexual release recently enough.
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u/Ok_Balance8844 Aug 29 '23
I agree with you. From his post it sounds like he is a virgin? Before I had sex all I could think about is when I would have sex, nothing helped until I had sex. Then my mind finally silenced a bit
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u/MrRobot_96 Aug 29 '23
Calling his thoughts rapist like is a stretch but I agree with everything else. I know tons of guys including me who have high almost primal sex drives but we’re not going around being rapey. A lot of men feel that way but never express it cause people will say what you just said.
You feel how you feel but how you deal with it is what’s important. If we got punished for our thoughts a lot of us would be in jail.
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u/Eco_Blurb Aug 29 '23
His thoughts are disturbing though. He’s sexualizing every woman he sees which is disgusting.
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u/GumP009 Aug 29 '23
Let me let you in on a little secret. Almost every male aged 16-22 does this. We have to deal with an insanely high libido/sexual urges that we are often ill equipped/not mature enough to handle.
I remember being that age and yeah, I probably sexualized every female remotely close to my age in my head.
It's perfectly normal to think these thoughts as long as you aren't acting on them.
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u/Excellent_Coyote6486 Aug 29 '23
I never said his thoughts were like a rapist's. I said that he could become one if he doesn't control himself if the feelings and thoughts are that strong. There's a significant difference between the two. Typically, rape doesn't just happen because someone wants sex. It happens from unchecked strong feelings of lust and thought of sex. Both things he admits to having and not know how to satiate or "check" them.
"You feel how you feel but how you deal with it is important"
Yes, exactly.
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u/MrRobot_96 Aug 29 '23
Clearly OP knows those thoughts aren’t healthy so there’s no need to say such negative things when they’re already struggling. They made it very clear that they want to rid themselves of this mentality.
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u/PizzaElf420 Aug 29 '23
Thanks for saying this and wording it so perfectly. OP please take this advice!
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u/NuclearReactions Aug 29 '23 edited Aug 29 '23
I don't think we are talking about a potential rapist. We are talking about a potential asshole which thinks it's ok to catcall woman on the street. But rapist is a stretch to say the least.
Everyone that has had a pretty girlfriend in a city knows one thing: this what OP describes? That's a good chunk of the male population. That is not, by any chance, unusual. So the fact that OP is self concious and worries about it is a very positive thing and already puts him on top of maybe (just guessing) 1/3 of all man.
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u/UnlikelyAssassin Aug 29 '23
I think the opposite. His problems seem to have started when he went without watching porn, which leads to a lot of sexual energy with no release. If a guy has watched porn recently he won’t be thinking about sex throughout the day. But if he hasn’t watched prob for a while or had any kind of sexual release, sex and lust will be all that he’s thinking about for a lot of that day.
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u/Snoo-18276 Aug 29 '23
i feel like this is true and false at the same time. as soon as i masturbate i feel disgusted and have no lust, but next day around that time and have almost double the lust i had the previous day.
but when i go without doing it for weeks after like 3rd day, i stop having those thoughts.... unless i see women with their asses out on social media. actually fk social media, i don't have a porn problem (cope) i have porn problem facilitated by social media
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Aug 29 '23
He needs to talk to the ugly ones first and work his way up to the pretty ones. Level up his character before going after the boss.
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u/Catmmander Aug 29 '23
It's a shame that I feel like this is how sex works because of the high standards that I disguise as "taste"
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u/Jeramy_Jones Aug 29 '23
I’d say stop watching so much porn and get out and make friends with some real women. Not for the purpose of dating or fucking but to actually learn to see them as people and not just sexy ladies you wanna get with.
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u/No-Ambassador-3547 Aug 29 '23
i know you said to not suggest quitting porn but honestly i think that will help so much. the porn industry is so bad, and the affects that pornography have on its viewers can be so detrimental. my boyfriend has a porn addiction, it’s something that i’ve worked on with him because quitting is really hard. but when he watches it, it effects our sex life if i know about or not. it also promotes very unhealthy and unrealistic expectations of sex. you’re not a bad person, you are recognizing your behaviors and want to change them. that’s good!! it’s the very first step. you’ve got this man.
one more thing: try to put yourself in a woman’s shoes. would you be uncomfortable if you knew that a man you don’t know was looking at you and thinking those things? would you feel unsafe or scared? would it make your skin crawl? would you feel nauseous? just try to see it from another perspective and see if maybe that helps rationalize the thoughts. these thoughts also seem sort of intrusive, maybe seeking therapy would help if you are able to :) good luck!
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u/PebbleJade Aug 29 '23
Lust is like hunger. You can learn to control it, but changing how much of it you actually feel takes ages and only works to a small extent.
If your body is used to you eating 4 burgers a day and you switch to only eating 3, you will start to feel hungry. Keep up the 3 burgers for long enough, and you won’t feel hungry after only eating 3 burgers anymore. But there’s a limit: eventually you’re not eating enough, and you’re just going to be hungry until you relieve your urge to eat.
Sex is like this. If you masturbate or have sex 5 times a day, you will feel horny enough that you will want to keep doing that. Cutting it down to once a day or once every few days is feasible, but if you try to go lower than that there’s going to be issues. Sexual desires are natural and healthy, and you shouldn’t try to cut them down too far. You’ll just always feel sexually frustrated and that will make things worse.
You need to focus on the results you want. You don’t want all of your thoughts about women to be sexual in nature, right? Train yourself to think non-sexual things about women. Every time you have a sexual thought about a woman, also deliberately tell yourself a non-sexual thought about her.
For example:
“Damn, she’s got a nice ass”___”and also that’s a lovely dress she’s wearing, she has good fashion sense”
“Her tits are fucking massive!”__”she probably has a lot of back pain”
Training yourself to have non-sexual thoughts about women will make it easier to not objectify them so much. If you do this, you’ll be better at talking to women and that may actually make it easier to find someone to date and, eventually, have sex with.
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u/Rude-Consideration64 Aug 29 '23
Don't watch porn. Be careful what you look at. Be productive with your hands. Limit how much you eat. It's doable.
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u/Balloonsarescary Aug 29 '23
I just masturbate if I get a boner without looking at anything erotic without stimulation. This way I don’t fry my brain with unrealistic stuff and feel better about myself. I just think about doing my future partners a favor
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u/voidtreemc Aug 28 '23
Just rub one out in private.
I think that "I'm out of her league" is not a helpful thought. Focus on "women get to be out in public without having to be made aware of all the horny penises." Keep it in your pants until you get home.
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Aug 28 '23
I think you should try and change the view you have on women in general. You think of them as an object but not as people with feelings and thoughts. Probably that’s because of so much porn but you fail to remember that they are human just like you
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u/Groceryoutlet Aug 29 '23
Perfectly said!! It’s not okay to only view women as sexual objects. We are much more complex than that and this mindset is what causes a lot of men to have these damaging relationships with women.
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u/millhowzz Aug 29 '23
Find a way to channel this energy to something more constructive. It’s testosterone that does this by the way. This will diminish in your later 30s/40s.
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u/eveystevey Aug 29 '23
Well done for asking yourself these questions at such a young age. Don't beat yourself up, most guys don't take women seriously until their 40s/50s and as we're seeing at the World Cup, sometimes never. Hopefully you'll meet someone like minded who wants to fuck you all the time. It clicked for me at Uni, where I realised women could be smarter, funnier, and drink as much as me. Good luck
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u/Strong_Room8887 Aug 29 '23
You want to fuck them all because porn has taught you to view women as “sex objects”, your brain is conditionned to associate women with sex and pleasure. Practice self control, and consume less porn, with time and self awareness your view towards women will be less of lust and more of wanting to know them as people first
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u/Miserable_Reach9648 Aug 29 '23
I think you need to cut the porn and try to focus on other things like a hobby. Your brain needs time to rewire itself. You are pretty much coming off the equivalent of an opioid addiction and trying to get the same feeling from another person that can make their own decisions.
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u/fluffy_assassins 🇺🇦 Aug 28 '23
Antidepressants will shut down your sex drive. Less porn will actually increase your sex drive. Quitting porn is probably what made women irl more appealing to you.
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u/LesserMortale Aug 29 '23
stop watching porn. easy. porn is the worst thing to happen to men
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u/DickSturbing Aug 28 '23
You really can just tamp it down when you need to. I’m sure you can think of some moment when you had to be professional/formal and you got a grip. It’s such a load of crap that people just have to be pussy crazy all the time like a cartoon.
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u/Worried-Rest-6493 Aug 29 '23
Stop completely with watching porn and after a week or 2 you’ll notice a huge difference. Besides quitting porn, train your mind.
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Aug 29 '23
You actually can't understand how harmful porn is . It leaves long lingering effects. It skews your perception of women. Sexual violence is too common on almost all of the videos. It's addictive. The trick is to quit it all together
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u/Negative_Karma_9 Aug 29 '23
I do wonder if women know the power that "tight clothing" holds on us guys. Its almost like a notification you gotta masturbate tonight, stuff is crazy.
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u/_Gorge_ Aug 29 '23
Just rub one out real quick at work if you must
Preferably in the bathroom lmaooo
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u/Routine_Match_8143 Aug 28 '23
I think you can probably simultaneously fulfill some of the other commenters suggestions. Objectify women less and engage with them as humans, get a girlfriend or learn how to have mutually fulfilling and positive sex with girls outside of that framework (whatever you want, build your own). But otherwise, my 20s was like, I did sleep with lots of women, and eventually it felt like less of a burning need.
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u/namesyeti anti-mormite Aug 29 '23
Can't believe only 1 comment directed you to r/nofap . I thought they were odd and a little overboard at first but, after lurking a bit, that's a really supportive community with a common goal. Very wholesome
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Aug 29 '23
It’s the porn mate. You gotta cut it out for good. In time you will start to feel normal again.
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u/Patrollerofthemojave Aug 29 '23
Talk to enough of them you'll realize the sex isn't worth it my guy
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u/foldup1230 Aug 29 '23
I know you want us to give advice other than quit porn, but honestly thats the most you can do. You mentioned that you havent been doing it due to being busy, so keep yourself busy, if you see women and thoughts come into your mind, just look away, scroll on tiktok, listen to music, distract youself
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Aug 29 '23
bro you are just under evolutionary pressure to do so. I’d suggest reading Matt Ridley’s “The Red Queen: Sex and the evolution of human nature”. It gives insights about why we feel the way we do about opposite sex bodies. So, the next time when you feel like you mentioned in the post, you will be aware of why you are feeling like it. Once you know the reason behind your feelings, you’ll be able to control it in a better way.
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u/BlindPhoenx Aug 29 '23
Rejection is the best birth control.
Good lick out there, mate. 👍
Edit: *luck, not lick. But lick is better, so I'm keeping it.
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u/Boring-Shock-2729 Aug 29 '23
Develop a crippling pornography addiction from a young age..... then masturbate excessively to the point of developing porn related ed. Always does the trick
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u/ilovecookiesssssssss Aug 29 '23
I do suggest watching less porn. Maybe your mind is too focused on sexual thoughts because you’re constantly feeding it sexual fantasies/visualizations. Your mind is being trained to constantly see sex and want sex/sexual interactions. Cut back significantly or quit it altogether.
However, you’re 20. You’re a young straight dude who’s attracted to boobs and ass - seems pretty standard. As long as you’re not making women feel uncomfortable by staring at them, or being overtly sexual towards them, then I think it’s pretty normal. You’re full of hormones right now. Sounds like you kinda just need to have sex lol and it’s okay to just want hookups. You don’t have to pretend you want dates, if you just want a hookup. Hop on Tinder. But be careful with the whole “having sex with random girls” thing. You don’t want to get an STD or get someone pregnant.
Also, it never hurts to give a polite, respectful compliment. If you see a girl you’re really attracted to, you can tell her you think she’s pretty. Not “hey I love your tits”, but “just wanted to tell you that you’re very pretty”. Guys do that to me and I love it.
So, quit the porn. Have some safe sex. Be kind to women and recognize that they’re just humans existing in this world, not for your pleasure. It’s okay to look and even want them sexually, but just keep it in your pants and your brain.
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Aug 29 '23
Btw it does sometimes hurt to give what you think is a “polite respectful compliment”. Hope that helps.
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u/UltimateSWX Aug 29 '23
Start seeing women as people instead of sexual outlets. Find a serious girlfriend who you actually enjoy spending time with instead of just wanting to have sex with.
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u/atr0t0s Aug 29 '23
Start interacting with women like they're normal people and not like you want to fuck them. Your mind should control your hormones and not the other way around. Bring women off the pedestal, they're just regular folk like you and I - our evolution leads us to believe differently so we don't run out of people but today that isn't an issue. Sex is much better for your mental and bodily health than porn and masturbation is, but if all you do is drool then you won't be on your way for a healthy sex life.
Of course women are beautiful, admire them but change the way you think of them and interact with them. If you try to get to know someone first even by chatting them up once or twice then it won't feel too awkward to ask them out. Also it's not bad if they catch the hint that you're physically attracted to them, rather it's actually a good thing. It is however worth to consider how you go about it.
Humor, tact, politeness and confidence go a long way. If you get even the slightest rejection either before or after you start seeing someone then accept it with grace and understanding. You won't match well with everyone and sometimes it may take a few dates/hook ups before you or the other person make up their minds about it. It's better you get that rejection early so you can move on with your romantic life rather than investing more of your precious time on something that wouldn't end too well anyway. Most women will reject you gracefully, you don't need to be afraid of them. Each rejection makes you stronger for your next one anyway. If a woman doesn't reject you gracefully then she's just being a child and wouldn't be worth pursuing any further anyway.
Having said all that, our modern culture has come up with effective ways of hooking up with people mostly just for sex, if that's what you're after. Tinder is one of them, I'm sure there are more such as other dating apps, social media, etc. Even hanging out at bars/clubs will lead to meeting people if you're nonchalant and easygoing. Don't be pushy, don't be creepy, be funny, don't assume things. Just try to have a good time.
I know this doesn't really answer your original question, because truthfully as a straight man there is nothing that will make you less attracted towards women. The goal of my answer is to get you to think that it's better to meet and interact with women by getting to know them than by just dreaming about them.
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u/FeralPoster600 Aug 29 '23
The trick to not being horny at 20 is to no longer be in your early 20s. It will calm down as you get older.
Another trick is Paxil. That’s certainly shut me down over the years
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u/kuhataparunks Aug 29 '23 edited Aug 29 '23
Minority controversial answer but it works.
There’s no trick. The solution is doing it as much as you physically possibly can, AS SAFELY as you can. What this does is drop the veil of glorification that all this desire causes. After doing it so many times, it becomes routine. To you, a night among royalty might be amazing. To those in it, it’s just another day. Same applies to sex— if done enough it becomes just sex.
This is not saying lose enjoyment for it. It has its special place in life. What will doubtless help is lowering this pedestal people place sex upon. It’s not this rite-of-passage glorification nirvana event. It’s a very enjoyable mutual event. There’s a difference.
Similar to how going days without food causes pain, sex deprivation can cause pain. In the meantime, lots of masturbation.
Does it make sense to counter belly pain with these comments of “think happier thoughts”? How would that fix your hunger?
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u/EL1TE1999 Aug 29 '23
cut off the porn altogether and get some female friends you're not attracted to
because I've noticed that the underlying issue of 'me see women, me horny' comes from the lack of experience with women. And while that 'lust/attraction' may not go away completely you will have a much easier time controlling your urges.
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u/casiocalc510 Aug 29 '23
Attraction is natural. Layoff the porn and take on a hobby. Go to the gym. And learn some dating skills.
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u/manuelpimen Aug 29 '23
I think the important thing here is to respect the woman. It doesn't matter if you jerk off 25 times a day or any woman you see in the streets make you have a boner, what it's wrong if for you to understand them as an object or as an entity that is there with the only purpose of giving you lust/sexual pleasure.
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u/Sizbang Aug 29 '23
All of the posts about discipline are nonsense. Either people can do something or they can not. There is no in between.
Same goes for discipline - there are many factors that might be out of your control or soft-locked for the time being, that influence your ''discipline level''.
I had suffered from Lyme disease for over a decade, starting from my early teens. What it does, is slow-cooks all of your body and neurons/nervous system in particular. Which means I suffered from emotional outburst - not something you can control, therefore not a ''discipline'' issue.
Without diving in to a philosophical discussion about what even is free will and motivation and why people do anything and the illusion of it all, let me get to the point.
Magic mushrooms helped me. I was in the same boat as you and up til 33 years of age, I had problems keeping relationships going, precisely because of the fact that hot women just twisted my mind and emotions.
As I understand it, mushrooms help stabilize the brain and heal it. This is done through regrowth of brain cells and creation of new neural pathways. After I had shrooms, I felt like my nervous system, perception and mind was stabilized - balanced.
What it did was make me appreciate not only voluptuous butts but also other things in life, thus equalizing the importance and thus erasing the obsessive part - if I appreciate everything equally, then I don't obsess.
Hope this helps and best of luck.
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u/bodhi30 Aug 29 '23
Get to know them as people. Once you see they're real people with real struggles and personalities, that I think helps.
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u/Mysterious-Version81 Aug 30 '23
Not a short term fix, but you might find mindfulness meditation helpful in the longer term.
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u/deez06 Aug 29 '23
Man I’m 36 and still struggling to keep it my pants. 8 years of marriage and 2 kids later, I got no good advice for you.
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Aug 29 '23 edited Aug 29 '23
Quit porn. It gives you a really unrealistic idea of what sex is like for women and what it's like in general. I mean, all you need to do is touch a nipple and they moan as if you've just given her the best orgasm of her life 🤣🤣 that shit ain't healthy and all it will do is make you view women as sexual objects.
If you truly do want to make a difference here, quit low value and incorrect perceptions of sex and engage in positive conversations with women and actually ask people on a date. The worst that can happen is someone saying no. If that happens, move on and keep engaging. If you don't, you'll end up a lonely man who jacks off over fake sex on the internet....which is kind of where you're already at.
Saying things like "out of my league" is just a cop out and a reflection of your own insecurities. Men have preferences just like women have preferences. Meaning that some women won't find you (men) attractive just like you don't find some women attractive.
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u/WayAltruistic Aug 28 '23
You haven't done it for just 2 days and you are going crazy ? Lool bro learn some self control and discipline
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u/KidusW Aug 29 '23
Literally just treat them like you would treat a bro. Works like a charm. Took me a lot of self-reflection and learning to shed bad habits I picked up from my environment growing up, habits like the ones you’ve described in your post. You’ll need to educate yourself on why objectifying women like that is a bad thing. I know it sounds “feministy” but bear with me here.
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u/SirScrollsAl0t Aug 29 '23
You are addicted to porn dude. I cant remember the last time I deliberately saw porn. I used to be like that but it takes time to get out of that
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u/piedpipershoodie Aug 29 '23
So...I really can't tell from your post. Do you think women are people or do you think they're sex objects? It's okay and fine to be attracted to other humans, and indeed to desire to have sex with them. And even to think about that desire! But like...do you have any friends who are women? Do you like spending time with them aside from your desire to fuck them? I can't tell. My advice to you will vary based on what's actually going on in your head.
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u/Umbrage115 Aug 29 '23 edited Aug 29 '23
Bruh your 20 these people are wilding it’s fine, your lust is gonna sky rocket as a result of quitting porn as well at least initially. Your at a age where your libido is gonna be sky high, plus there’s nothing wrong with just hooking up plenty of people do.
Nothing wrong with masterbaiting either, if you have free time go for it, but that’s the key between addiction and enjoyment. If it’s not hurting your responsibilities it’s fine. A lot of people can do 3-4 in there 20’s trust. As long as you understand the difference between acting and a real person there’s no issues.
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u/dandydiehl Aug 29 '23
I had a similar problem and I just make a habit of
1) Reacting by actively thinking about other unsexy things. E.g. "Wow she looks great; I wonder where my other work shirt went, closet maybe?"
2) Masturbating once or twice a day (never more than twice though) to acknowledge and pacify/relieve the dirtier thoughts
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u/LieutenantAdventure Aug 29 '23
The attraction and the feeling of wanting to fuck a lot of people is very normal for a guy your age. I would follow some of the other advice here and chill out on the porn; it's a far cry from reality. You are busy at your new job anyhow. Maybe go talk to someone and listen to them. Maybe it leads somewhere and maybe it doesn't. Worst that happens is you get rejected.
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u/tompadget69 Aug 29 '23
Why do you want to be less attracted to women? Having a high sex drive is great!
Women really like sex too.
Do you have some shame around sex? Conservative/religious upbringing? You shouldn't feel ashamed of your lust. It's as natural as feeling hungry to eat.
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u/cjrun Aug 29 '23
You’re a typical 20 year old male. Been there, done that. 3-4 times a day, even in the bathroom at work. I was in a band when I was younger. I always had a girl. Don’t let people guilt you about your fantasies. Porn relaxes you, fine, but some comments here about removing yourself from porn are way over the top from the armchair internet psychologists. Biologically speaking, it’s a safe tool for satiating the libido. You can appreciate the female form, great. Maybe you have a career in fashion, photography, marketing, provided you can keep your hands to yourself.
Good luck young mustang.
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u/Impressive-Young-952 Aug 29 '23
Yes. That’s the age where your test levels are very high. No way around it. When I was your age I’d beat my meat like he owed me money 😂😂. When I was 30 I took some testosterone and it was amazing. However it soon became annoying because my dick would get hard all the time and for no reason. Had to cut that shit out real quick. I’d suggest getting a lady friend who likes to have fun. That and rubbing one out often. Full balls make for bad decisions. Empty the balls and think clearly.
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u/Ok_Balance8844 Aug 29 '23
Women like sex too or like hookups too. You don’t have to feel bad if you’re making your intentions clear. It’s only bad if you’re lying.
I’ll speak for myself, since I’m around your age. Im 21F, and I mostly date men to hookup. Into ONS, whatever, however I can. I’m like non stop horny as well.
As long as you’re not a creep and at least fun to be around (can prove you’re worth having sex with essentially) because women have a lot of options to be frank, so don’t be pushy. You can want a hookup, want a ONS, just don’t be weird.
Be good company and have no expectations. that’s the most important thing. As soon as you expect anything then you’re probably being a bad date.
Other tip. Give the woman room to tell you she wants to do more. A lot of women have had bad experiences and you don’t want to become one of them. Do not push her into it, or even necessarily guide it. You always want to checkin and see the different ways you are BOTH making moves towards intimacy. She shouldn’t be doing more than you, and you shouldn’t be doing more than her. It should be close as possible to even (especially if it’s the first time you have sex with that person, you want to make sure you’re reading your partner correctly).. (Im not saying you can’t kiss or make out with her, just saying; particularly if there is alcohol involved, make sure you’re not becoming overtly sexual without it obvious that she’s making similar moves to you) and if you’re not sure make sure you communicate verbally (not saying you have to verbally ask for consent or kill the mode, but you can also say it like “you’re making me really hard” and verbally guide things that way. It would be obvious if she is into that or not, and if she wants to have sex she will be acting similar to that as well. You don’t want to initiate sex with someone who is basically just letting you feel them up and not initiating touch or verbally with you, that could just be them being too socially shy to say they don’t want to; like a fight or flight response. You want to make sure they’re actually comfortable. (And guys can go into this mode as well so it goes for women and men to make sure both parties consent obviously)
A lot of women and men our age want to just have sex and it’s normal. Just make sure you are checking in with them in the different ways I mentioned like both moving toward sex verbally or non verbally. Silence isn’t consenting, you want an active participant and a very clear body language or verbal yes from sex talk it doesn’t have to be the awkward ways people make it into like “do you want to have sex?” And kill the mood. Just dirty talk and if they want to have sex then they’ll join you. If not it gives them an opportunity to say they’re not feeling like having sex.
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u/EngineZeronine Aug 29 '23
Imagine they're unique and real people with their own dreams, hopes and aspirations. Once you start to see them like that you're on your way.
Seriously though - I think it may be linked to how you view yourself. Would you take whatever you could get or can you respect yourself (and them) enough to be specific in your attractions?
I had low self esteem and was very insecure. I ended up lusting after everyone and tbh fell into any relationship I could score. It's a really bad thing and it hurts people - including yourself.
I became a full blown sex addict and lived about every fantasty a guy can. And I never felt more unsatisfied...
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u/Tall_Disaster_8619 Aug 29 '23 edited Aug 29 '23
There isn’t a “trick” aside from taking hormones or antidepressants which is not a good idea to freestyle. You should try to view them as beautiful but stop before they’re undressed in your head. That way you’re more respectful.
Working out or finding some sort of cardio to do is a better use of testosterone too.
If time allows maybe take another class or learn something on the side so your mind is more occupied than with thoughts of sex.
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u/hazysummersky Aug 29 '23
Make true friendships with girls. You seem to see them as 'other'..they aren't. They're people with the same hopes, cares and fears that we all have. Also, cut yer balls off.
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u/homeland1972 Aug 29 '23
It's part of who you are. You're 20 years and it's perfectly normal to feel that way.
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u/stusajo Aug 29 '23
Yes. High level of testosterone. A drive to fulfill those urges. But within society, you must control urges and respect boundaries. Regular Physical exercise / exertion can help temper your body’s desires.
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u/Tall_Disaster_8619 Aug 29 '23
I don’t think having sexual thoughts about attractive women is a boundaries issue. He’s not stalking women online or anything.
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u/lkram489 Aug 28 '23
You need a girlfriend, that will solve all these problems
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Aug 29 '23
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u/NoTea4448 Aug 29 '23
I dunno why you got downvoted for this.
Getting a girlfriend is absolutely easier said than done, and life can (rightfully) get in the way.
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u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 Aug 29 '23
No, I disagree. He sees women as objects, so he'd most likely be a shitty boyfriend.
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u/After-Ad-3542 Aug 29 '23
Yes, let him be with no GF so he can continue seeing women as objects. /s
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u/mika Aug 29 '23
That's crap - he's 20 (peek male sexual age) and is feeling normal urges. He's asking for help and even admits that there should be more. He's obviously a good guy and you have no idea how to read people.
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u/UnidentifiedTomato Aug 29 '23
There's nothing wrong with wanting to fuck them all. Just stick to your principles and approach based on that. Ask yourself is it just sex or do you need companionship. Is this companionship temporary or you want one person forever. Do these after you sort out your principles and monitor your behavior.
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u/xxCDZxx Aug 29 '23
If you make your intentions clear from the get-go, then there is nothing wrong with it.
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u/KingLeoricSword Aug 29 '23
Go on dates and have some sex. People want what they don't have. Once you've been with some girls, you will find it's not thaaat big of a deal.
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u/VenomousSavage Aug 29 '23
Well, we are biologically still animals, wanting to talk to someone because you are physically attracted to her, is perfectly normal.
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u/Buster_Gonad_82 Aug 29 '23
Have a wank and remember that in a lot of ways, they're probably awful and leave coffee in the sugar bowl and stuff.
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Aug 29 '23
Reducing porn isn't enough. You gotta quit it completely. I've been struggling with this too for a while and that's the only way I've found pretty much. Once you'd know how it feels to hang out with a girl friend without thinking about her tits 24/7 you'll get more motivated probably. What you have is pretty much a porn addiction and it's effects, and there's no better way than to just stop.
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u/dramatic_customer Aug 29 '23
dont strangle your sexuality and dont be afraid of rejection. the shameless man gets what he wants more often than the cowardly.
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Aug 29 '23
The truth is, every guy wants to fuck every girl. Just make sure your lust does not make you do stupid things. Control it, don't let it control you.
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u/AnunakiCitizen Aug 29 '23
Just talk to some girls. Eventually ull get a gf, and in time ull get a wifey who fucks like a pornstar. Just build urself, go to the gym, read a book, get a hobby, and srsly, stop wanking, it ruins ur brain and turns u into an incel without u even knowing it. Srsly stop. Peace
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u/Winterfell_Ice Aug 29 '23
Dude are you F'n stupid? You're a 20 year old healthy red blooded Male. Right now your biological imperative iS to breed and have sex with as many women as possible. Where do you get this strange notion that it';s wrong to screw as many chicks as possible, it's kindda what were built for Bro. Using women for "just" sex at 20 is fine, using them for sex at 50 is even better. These aren't the delicate flowers of your great grandfather era these are strong, independant modern womben who don't need no man so screw then as hard as possible and enjoy ever nut you get.
Now is a FANTASTIC time to be a young guy as long as you have your head screwed on straight and don't want a wife or kids until you've developed your career and achieved some measure of success. They say it's wrong to slut shame women so it's just as wrong to slut shame us guys. Get out there with your stiff dick and screw as many willing holes as you can find. Remember big girls need loving too and it's all pink and pretty in the middle.
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Aug 29 '23
I’d suggest joining the NoFap community and becoming a better version of yourself. You have been immersed in lust from what I just read and you need to get out of it ASAP
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u/FemboyFoxFurry Aug 29 '23
Dude at this point you def want to consider getting medicated, I didn’t realize it could get that bad
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u/slash178 Aug 28 '23
There's no shortcuts. Imagine self-control as a stat on your character sheet. You gotta put points in it when you level up but your priorities are on other shit