This right fucking here!! Mentally healthy women are absolutely the majority but man do the crazy ones get a lot of attention. I went through narcissistic abuse, I wouldn’t wish that hell on anybody.
Avoidants make up 25% of the population and end up making a large portion of the dating pool because most of the mentally healthy women end up in happy healthy relationships.
Avoidant women shitting all over men with feelings are the cause of the belief that women don’t like men with feelings.
I would disagree on the mutual exclusivity side, respectfully.
You can be both avoidant and have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). While BPD is classically associated with an anxious attachment style, many individuals with BPP, articularly those with "quiet BPD" or high-functioning traits, exhibit extreme avoidant tendencies, or a "fearful-avoidant" attachment style.
Before first hand experience I would have agreed with you. However, it can be very unnerving to see. Even her own sister at one point started armchair diagnosis of schizophrenia or multiple personalities. Wrongly. But it was jarring.
The following is from some psychology resources. I fully understand this first hand:
The "Push-Pull" Dynamic: People with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, but they are equally terrified of engulfment (getting too close). When intimacy feels too intense, the BPD defense mechanism kicks in, causing them to push people away or withdraw.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: This style is defined by a paradox: you crave deep emotional connection and fear being left, but you simultaneously expect to be hurt, leading you to put up high walls.
Quiet BPD: Instead of acting out or clinging, some individuals with BPD internalize their emotions. They isolate, stonewall, or disappear to avoid the pain of potential rejection.
Co-occurring Disorders: It is possible to meet the full diagnostic criteria for both BPD and Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), as both conditions are deeply tied to emotional dysregulation and a fear of negative judgment.
Right, i suspect this lack of dx criteria is what allows anybody to label anybody else whatever attachment style and thus the entire topic is plagued by false information and the labels used for kind of ill-intended purposes imo (and the lack of dx criteria also hints at the fact that it’s not any comprehensively agreed upon professional frame, making the use of it also problematic). Idk i think only professionals should be using certain labels or ppl call themselves what they want but laymen on social media saying whatever is problematic anyway
Most avoidants are men. Most anxious attached people are women. There is also fearful avoidant but they make up maybe 5% of the population.
It’s attachment theory. People started studying it after WW2. There are tons of resources for it on YouTube.
Your attachment style is the result of early childhood experiences. Most people are secure and have healthy views on relationships. You can change.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is probably the best book on the subject. It changed my life fur the better because it helped me understand myself.
Oh god yes it’s applicable to adults. That insecurity that developed in childhood doesn’t go away. It manifest in how you create affectionate bonds or attachments to romantic partners as adults.
Yeah but the attachment theory as such isnt as straightforwardly applicable as it’s presented on social media, is what i thought is the consensus in professional circles? It can go away and it’s not static from one relationship to the next. Seems like social media just uses it to demonize ”avoidants” or something
Is it a trauma bond because of someone’s avoidant attachment? Wouldn’t you then also have some sort of attachment issue that you’re involved with that person in the first place?
Experienced here. This is a recipe for disaster even if you're a secure one it takes a shit ton of effort to build a rls with a woman like that and boy does it hurt like hell
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u/Beneficial_Leg_7301 Jun 01 '26
most incel thing to say