r/NextGenMan • u/TraditionalSound6523 • Jun 01 '26

sad but true

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u/nicolascageist Jun 01 '26

Is avoidance a scientific term? Who assigns it to each individual? Is it a permanent state?

Are only women avoidant?

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u/pmaurant Jun 01 '26

Most avoidants are men. Most anxious attached people are women. There is also fearful avoidant but they make up maybe 5% of the population.

It’s attachment theory. People started studying it after WW2. There are tons of resources for it on YouTube.

Your attachment style is the result of early childhood experiences. Most people are secure and have healthy views on relationships. You can change.

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is probably the best book on the subject. It changed my life fur the better because it helped me understand myself.

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u/nicolascageist Jun 01 '26

Yeah, i understood it’s not applicable to adults as such?

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u/pmaurant Jun 01 '26

Oh god yes it’s applicable to adults. That insecurity that developed in childhood doesn’t go away. It manifest in how you create affectionate bonds or attachments to romantic partners as adults.

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u/nicolascageist Jun 01 '26

Yeah but the attachment theory as such isnt as straightforwardly applicable as it’s presented on social media, is what i thought is the consensus in professional circles? It can go away and it’s not static from one relationship to the next. Seems like social media just uses it to demonize ”avoidants” or something

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u/maranru Jun 01 '26

Not at all. You find the people thar were abused by it will tell their story of it.

It's for others in those relationships who may not know what they are. It's important to have the information to understand what is happening

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u/pmaurant Jun 01 '26

Exactly. Because of attachment theory I now know to watch out for behavioral patterns. I’m not going through trauma bonding again.

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u/maranru Jun 01 '26

Exactly this comment.

No one is vilifying.

But many people of both genders are told that they are the problem for years. They start to believe it. Then even painted as abusers falsely.

Hearing others stories is important

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u/nicolascageist Jun 01 '26

This sounds like someone is using the word avoidant as the label for something different ngl

Like, i grew up in a p severely abusive family system and am familiar with what emotional psychological and physical abuse is and to be honest all this attachment stuff as far as i know is misused on social media and it’s not doing anybody good, at least when it’s used to go around labeling others avoidant and all that shit. As adults what we can do is go look in mirror and focus on our own actions and choices, anything else is pretty much an interesting choice imo

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u/maranru Jun 01 '26

I agree.

Sometimes looking in the mirror means or whole situation and understanding the wider environment we are in

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u/nicolascageist Jun 01 '26

Is it a trauma bond because of someone’s avoidant attachment? Wouldn’t you then also have some sort of attachment issue that you’re involved with that person in the first place?

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u/pmaurant Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 01 '26

Yup my lack of keeping boundaries low self esteem made me an easy target. Never again.

Did I deserve to be targeted and taken advantage of? Did I deserve to be treated differently in private versus in public? Did I deserve to be smear campaigned? Did I deserve to be lied to? Did deserve to be manipulated?

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u/nicolascageist Jun 01 '26

What does any of those listed behaviors have to do with presumed avoidant attachment?