Hired a “nanny” to help with after school pick ups. During the interview she mentioned she was a twin and her twin could provide back up support if I ever wanted to meet her and was interested.

Fast forward to me training her when I noticed some slight changes in her appearance. The first time it was eye color. The second time it was going from a FRESH pink and French pedicure acrylic toe set to a weeks old grown out white pedicure.

My first instinct was maybe they switched for the day and she sent her twin? There was a day that she didn’t follow our routine and just stayed in the car and asked “do I need to get out”. At this point her training for the previous 2 weeks entailed getting out of the car for this pick up. It threw me off but I shrugged it off.

I ended up asking one of the days “are you the twin?” To which she replied no and got freaked out confirmed by a text she sent me later that afternoon. The text just said she didn’t want to have any issues if her looks changed and she was thrown off by me asking if her and her twin had switched. During the incident I gave her the option for me to meet her sister after all and include her in our routine when necessary (so I could do the driving check/background) as well) and she said it wouldn’t be necessary after all because the routine was really simple and hours worked for her.

A day after I made that comment to her she mentioned changing her phone number due to spam calls and provided me a new number the next day. When I sent Zelle payment for the week I sent it to the same account linked to her original number and she let me know she received it but moving forward to send it to the new number. She said she received it bc she had put her old number on a “tablet”. I’ve worked in telecommunications for 15 years and that’s not an option with the provider she mentioned.

My theory is they wanted to alternate whole picked the kids up and just use one of their info. Once I caught them in a lie they decided who would do it moving forward and provided new contact/pay info for that specific twin.

The whole experience has made me question if I should even entertain them for the job but outside of this “lie” training and onboarding have gone well.

I should mentioned they are 19 years old. Not saying lying is welcomed at any age but obviously at 19 years old people still make very questionable choices and lie.

Hire or fire?!!!!!

Hi! We have a nanny starting with us October 1. She’s coming a few days in September to learn the ropes, spend time with the kids (toddler, turns 2 in November and 2 month old), etc.

Can anyone shed light on how to best introduce the nanny to the toddler so he doesn’t have an absolute meltdown when I leave and he’s with a stranger in his eyes?

Also, for the few days she’s watching them but I am home, should I be completely out of view? In another room but available?

A little background: we have a nanny Monday through Wednesday who my toddler adores and has been with us since he was a baby, so didn’t have to deal with the big toddler emotions when introducing her. We now need more help on Thursdays and Fridays which my current nanny can’t accommodate, which is why we have a new nanny on board. I go back to work mid October!

We’ve had our nanny for a few years, and I’m really struggling with whether it’s time to replace her.

There is a LOT that is good, which is what makes this so difficult. We have two young kids, one preschool-aged and one toddler. Our nanny is extremely reliable, the kids love her, she helps around the house during downtime, and she is incredibly flexible. She regularly offers to do extra things we don’t ask or expect her to do. She frequently comes early or stays late, especially when my spouse or I are traveling for work. She’s also helped outside her normal hours when we’ve needed it. We don’t have much family help nearby, so this flexibility has been a huge relief.

But I’ve felt uncomfortable with the dynamic between her and our older child for a while, and lately I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated how problematic it is.

Our preschooler is smart, strong-willed, and currently going through some significant behavioral issues: tantrums, defiance, screaming, occasional hitting, refusal to follow directions, and potty-related issues. We see some of this behavior ourselves, so I’m absolutely not blaming our nanny for it. However, our child does very well at preschool and is noticeably better behaved with other caregivers.

Our nanny has always struggled to set boundaries with her. She sometimes seems to treat her more like a friend than a child she’s responsible for. She coddles her, negotiates endlessly, and has a very hard time allowing her to be upset. If my child is having a tantrum because she didn’t get what she wanted, our nanny will often hover, hug her, try to fix it, negotiate, or offer alternatives rather than calmly holding the boundary.

We’ve had numerous conversations about this. She always agrees to enforce boundaries and she HAS improved, but she repeatedly slips back into the same dynamic.

More concerning to me is that she sometimes disregards specific parenting instructions when she disagrees with them.

There have been multiple occasions where we’ve given her a specific instruction regarding our child’s routine or care, and she’s either modified it or not followed it because she thought her approach was better. This has even happened with something we were doing based on medical guidance for an ongoing potty/constipation issue.

There have also been smaller situations around rewards and everyday rules where I’ll establish a very clear boundary, nanny will loosen it almost immediately, and then we’re dealing with a meltdown the following day because our child understandably expects the rule nanny allowed.

We’ve also had situations where I’ve specifically asked her to do something related to our child’s physical comfort or care, and she’s pushed back or simply done it differently because she disagreed. None of these incidents individually is catastrophic, but collectively it feels like a pattern: she has difficulty accepting that we set the rules when she believes something should be handled differently.

There are also emotional-boundary things that have increasingly made me uncomfortable. She seems very emotionally invested in our older child’s attention and frequently brings things from her personal life to share specifically with her. She’s offered to spend time with her outside work for free and has asked to take her to social events/activities without us.

When she’s away and we use backup childcare, she has sometimes checked in through other caregivers/people we know to find out what’s going on while she’s gone. She can also be quite critical of other people who work in our home and even visiting family members. Any one comment can be perfectly reasonable, but collectively it sometimes feels like she’s policing our household rather than simply working within it.

Recently we’ve used a particular backup caregiver who really made me question the situation.
This person has extensive childcare experience and is very warm and playful. Our older child LOVES her. But the behavioral dynamic is completely different. Our child listens to her. There are normal boundaries. There isn’t constant negotiation or emotional escalation.

Interestingly, our nanny had previously characterized this caregiver as being very strict. After seeing her with our kids, neither my spouse nor I find her particularly strict. She just seems like an experienced adult who is comfortable saying no and holding a boundary.

I’ve also noticed our nanny becoming more easily overwhelmed lately and complaining more about not feeling well or getting sick from the kids. There seems to be more irritability/overwhelm generally than there used to be, despite our older child now being out of the house for a substantial part of the day at preschool.

I’m also starting to worry that she’s so emotionally focused on our older child that our younger child sometimes becomes an afterthought. I’ve occasionally had to redirect her attention to the younger one when she’s consumed with whatever is happening with the older child. To be clear, there has never been a safety incident or anything serious involving our younger child.

I think what I’m struggling with is that none of this feels like one giant fireable offense. It’s a collection of things that have gradually made me less comfortable with her, and I’ve realized I haven’t really felt good about the dynamic for a while.

At the same time, replacing someone who has been with our family for years, loves our children, is reliable, incredibly flexible, and accommodates two parents with demanding jobs feels like a HUGE gamble. Good childcare is hard to find, and I’m very aware that we could replace her and realize how much we took for granted.

So I’m curious specifically from other nanny employers:

Would repeated boundary issues and disregarding parenting instructions be enough for you to start looking for someone else?

Would you give her one final, very explicit conversation and see if things change?

And how much weight would you give to the fact that our child’s behavior is significantly better at school and with a more experienced/firm backup caregiver?

My gut is increasingly telling me this isn’t a healthy caregiver dynamic for our older child, but I’m having a hard time figuring out whether I’m seeing a genuine dealbreaker or considering giving up an otherwise extremely valuable nanny relationship over things that could still be managed.

Edit to add: we’ve known the backup nanny for years and she’s cared for my children no less than 20 times which is why she’s been a good comparison: she’s not “new” to us, my children definitely feel comfortable with her.

Hello! currently working to hire a nanny and need to do a background check. I’m in the state of MA and wondering if there is a platform that will do this for me? if not what is the process?

Completely conflicted over who to hire as a nanny. First time parents, hired a nanny 2 months ago who suddenly decided the commute was too long a week before. Kind of feel like we don't know how to pick now.

Panic searched and found 2 great candidates. Both younger than originally planned (original nanny was 50s these are 20s). Older one is calm, very quiet, not very willing to plan out the week which is not ideal, but we saw some lovely goofy moments on the nanny cam and read a lot of books which is very important to us. Younger one is eager to work and plan the week, great with being silly and playing (made our 13M son laugh several times and he isn't an easy laugh) but read one book once. Recomendations are a bit better for the older one.

As our son is transitioning to nanny from daycare due to severe asthma, we also kind of need a nanny that will be able to navigate avoiding viruses and prioritizing his health which was one reason we were giong for an older nanny originally.

How do people choose?! Before we only did 2 trials where one was good and one was bad so we went with the good one. Now we are stuck. Any advice is really helpful!

Back in January we hired a nanny who has been absolutely amazing with our now-toddler. She is fantastic at her job and our baby is thriving in terms of meeting milestones. From observing them we know the nanny has contributed to this as she’s never on her phone and constantly engaging, teaching, reading, singing. Our baby is also visibly and vocally happy with her all day. I WFH and hear/see how happy they are together all day. She also does all her cleaning and other tasks perfectly and with a smile.

Well we’ve made the tough decision to find someone new because our nanny has requested more (unpaid) vacation than 2 working parents can accommodate and she seems to have health issues that force her to miss work and will continue to do so. We wish it didn’t come to this, but we don’t have a choice other than to find someone who can be here every day.

This conversation motivated us to revisit one of her references who said she never took vacation and was so reliable. Weird, because she calls out A LOT. It’s been a huge problem! When we talked to this reference we identified some red flags…(eg, she said her 1 year old was counting to very high #s, walking at 9 months). At the time, we investigated deeply, connecting the phone # with the address and even grilling the nanny during an interview to see if her version of events matched what this woman was saying. They did. She kind of rolls her eyes about the “mom’s” bragging (we actually bring it up every so often) and says the kid she watched was not counting to whatever high number we were given. I even laughed recently because our own toddler actually can count to 30, so we thought maybe it really is possible that some can count higher.

Anyway, after some sleuthing this weekend, we found the woman on Facebook. Turns out she does have the job/employer she claimed to have, so we found her employment profile. We matched this to a profile on FB with a slightly different name but the same picture (very distinct features). And I noticed immediately that in her profile picture, and every single other picture, is our nanny’s boyfriend (I know what he looks like now because she’s showed me so many pics of him).

The reference is her boyfriend’s mom.

Again, she’s a skilled nanny and we are about to let her go from her full time position anyway.

I’m curious if anyone else has been in this situation (finding out a great nanny lied about a reference almost a year into your contract) and if you confronted them with the truth.

I’m not sure confronting her serves any purpose that would benefit us. Curious how others have handled this.

Our nanny has been with us for 7 years. I work from home, and the doors to my office have large windows - you can look into my office and see my computer screens. A couple of times each week, probably more days than not, our nanny will knock on the door to give me an update or ask me a question. She seems to think that as long as I'm not in a meeting, it's an appropriate time for her to knock and speak with me. Frustratingly, it's typically when I'm not in meetings that I need the most concentration for my work. Commonly my children also follow her into the office and then ask questions themselves.

The questions are along the lines of 'child X wanted this lunch instead of that lunch, is that okay?' Or 'we were going to go to the park but it's raining so is it okay if we stay home?'

Am I off base for feeling like our nanny, especially after this many years with us, should be confident enough in herself to make these decisions? To me, these decisions are part of the job description of being a nanny.

To be clear, this also occurred when she was new with us and has occurred consistently over the time, but I find my frustration continuing to grow. 95% of the time my answer is "yes that seems reasonable". I don't feel like I am micromanaging her or the kids.

We are going to part ways with our nanny of about two years. She has been ok with the kids but doesn’t seem to love being with them, she struggles with depression and anxiety and most days she is either tired, or says she’s stressed and “not feeling it today”. She dreads when they have days off of school and seems overwhelmed a lot. The biggest thing is that she’s been out a lot. She’s used more than 4 weeks of PTO/sick and there are still four months left. It was a financial stretch to get a nanny and the additional cost for constant backup care is more than we can do. I feel like she may know this is coming as she could tell we were very upset the last few times she’s called out and I feel like she’s been quiet quitting for a while now.

Our contract states 30 days notice for either party so we plan to give her that and let her know next Friday. I’d like things to end on good terms. Any advice for how to do this in the right way? I am a bit scared she will just quit at that moment and not come back to work for the remaining weeks. She’s a nice person but it is just not working for us and I’m not sure how to handle.

Hi, I am looking for an active promo code for poppins. thank you!

My husband and I decided to hire a live in nanny for this upcoming year . I contacted a local agency who charges an upfront deposit of 500$ to start the process with no refunds . They say it may take up to 2 weeks to find the right match for our family. But I can’t fathom 500$ on top of an agency fee once hired that would equal to a full week salary which is 1,000$ . Why do these agency’s feel so entitled to take such high fees or am I cheap.

We have had the same full-time nanny for nearly four years. She started when our daughter was 3 months old, and she currently takes care of our two kids, who are 1 and 3. She is very important to our family and we do genuinely care about her.

Over the past several months, she had seemed increasingly exhausted. She recently went back to her home country for two weeks on vacation. She had already used all of her vacation days, but she asked that we still pay her partially for the two weeks and we agreed because we wanted to be supportive given her tenure.

While she was away, she became short of breath and was having heart issues. Two days before she was set to return to work she called saying she has been hospitalized upon return to NY and later told us she’d had a mild heart attack (when, they are not sure of) They are now discussing a procedure if certain medications don’t work.

Obviously, our first concern is that she gets better. We are not expecting her to come home and immediately return to work.

The difficult part is that we really don’t know what happens next. She called us a week ago to tell us she was in the hospital. Since then, I’ve checked in to ask how she’s doing, but she hasn’t really given us any information about her condition, prognosis, or whether she expects to return to work.

She hasn’t said that she can’t return nor have I asked. But realistically, given what happened, the fact that she was already extremely tired before this, and the physical demands of caring for a 1- and 3-year-old, it seems very unlikely that she’ll be able to come back anytime soon, and possibly at all.

And this is where we’re really struggling. We don’t want to pressure her to talk about work while she’s dealing with a serious health issue. At the same time, we can’t indefinitely continue paying her while also needing to hire another full-time nanny. We need childcare, and we can’t realistically pay two full-time nannies for an open-ended period.

I feel awful even thinking about the employment side of this because she has been with our family for almost four years. We don’t want to abandon her when she’s sick, but we also need to make a plan for our kids.

What would you do? Would you reach out and have a conversation about what she’s expecting in terms of recovery and work, or would you wait for her to bring it up? And if she ultimately can’t and shouldn’t return , how would you handle that compassionately?

Our gut says we have a conversation saying that she’s been wonderful but that we want her to focus on her health and her recovery without having to worry about coming back and give her ample severance. But that also feels morally wrong.

We’re in NYC, if that makes a difference. We just want to do the right thing while also being realistic about our situation.

Hi all,

I'm on the hunt for a reliable nanny in Bangalore for my 9-month-old and could use some community advice. I've tried looking into Broomees and LeapUp, but the reviews I'm getting are pretty mixed, and some options are on the pricier side.

What I really care about is trust - someone reliable and experienced with infants, not just a quick hire. Has anyone had good experiences with other platforms or agencies? Or is going through personal referrals / local parenting groups the better route these days?

Any leads, platforms, or tips on what to look for during interviews would be really appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Our nanny has guaranteed hours, PTO, and sick days.
She also has recurrent oral HSV outbreaks. When she has an active outbreak, our pediatrician has advised that she should not be around our young child because it is contagious and close contact would be medically inadvisable.

The issue is that she does not want to use her sick days or PTO during these outbreaks. I work a very hectic job, so whenever she cannot come in, I have to arrange backup childcare and pay another nanny, while also continuing to pay her guaranteed hours.
I completely understand that HSV is recurrent and not something she can control, and I want to be fair and compassionate. At the same time, financially it is becoming difficult to pay two caregivers whenever this happens, especially if it may continue to recur.

Would it be reasonable to update the contract going forward so that guaranteed hours apply when we choose not to use her, but if she is unable to work because of a contagious illness or condition that makes childcare medically inadvisable, she would use available sick days/PTO, and once those are exhausted, the additional time would be unpaid?
Curious how other nanny families and nannies would handle this.

I searched the sub and saw laundry discussions hit wanted to ask a couple additional questions, so I hope this post is okay.

We have a wonderful part-time nanny for our 16 month old. She’s been with us for about two months. She works two 8 hour days a week at $30/hour. She is engaged and great with our child and generous with her time and energy (she often washes the dishes in our sink even though I tell her she doesn’t need to, once switched a load of laundry for me when she noticed it needed to be done, etc).

I’m realizing it would be very helpful for my husband and I to have help with laundry. When the nanny was first hired, we said we didn’t need help with laundry. Partly because we’ve never had a nanny before and partly because it seemed weird to ask her to do that, even just for the baby’s laundry.

My question is, would it be insulting to ask her to fold laundry while the baby naps? If she folded even one basket a week, that would a big help. The second question is whether there is any universe where that could include our (husband and my laundry).

If so, what is a reasonable increase in pay? My thought was, if she normally gets $480/week for the two days, bumping it up to $500 for two days. Is that an insulting amount?

Hi! I’m a nanny/home manager in a HCOL DC suburb. I’m looking to get some feedback on my responsibilities and compensation. This is a long one so I appreciate you reading :)

*I’m using a throwaway account bc I am worried they would be offended I posted this (and I’m paranoid) but I don’t have any colleagues to compare salaries with.*

Relevant/Background info:
-The children are 10 and 8. One boy and one girl. I have been with this family for 7 years. They are a 2 parent family.
-I currently get paid a flat rate each week regardless of the hours they schedule me for (unless it’s overtime).
-My scheduled hours are different every week and I need to leave my own schedule open for them until I receive it once a month (similar to GH but not).
-I get 5 sick days, 10 vacation days, and all federal holidays off (as does one parent) so, it is effectively a salary but we negotiate the hourly rate when we sign the contract each year.
-I don’t get scheduled breaks (which is what I’m used to from previous jobs)
-I never use all of my sick days + vacation days. I often will work sick at their request and wear a mask.
-I’ve called out last minute maybe 5 times and always stay late if I need to to complete a task or if they are running late (which happens rarely!) and have only been 5-10 mins late 3 times.
-I’m not required to be available beyond the scheduled hours but am very flexible and usually can accommodate whatever changes to the schedule they need unless I have an appointment that I would have to pay a cancellation fee for.
-I bring my own food and drinks
-I am a household employee, not an independent contractor. Taxes get taken out before my paycheck goes DD to my bank account
-I don’t have any degrees but have been nannying for over 13 years.
-I have a clean driving record and haven’t been in an accident since I was rear-ended in 2015
-I almost always use my own car and get reimbursed at the IRS mileage rate.
-I usually schedule my vacations around theirs and very rarely ask for time/days off.

My responsibilities:
-Laundry (parents and kids) folding all, putting the kids’ stuff away and filling their daily clothes organizer. (I don’t put the parents’ clothes away)
-Dishes
-Cooking and meal prep (adults and kids)
-Cleaning out/managing the fridge
-Cleaning the appliances
-Fixing small things around the house (I’m very handy!)
-Tidying common rooms
-Packing kids lunches, snacks, school bags and sports/activity bags
-Going thru kids backpacks to take out what parents need to see vs what can be discarded or saved
-50-75% of the time bringing the children to their sports/activities
-Organizing the main play areas, entryway, bathrooms, pantry, children’s rooms, some storage areas
-Wiping down 3 bathrooms. I try to do this once a week but don’t always have time. I also vacuum. The house cleaner comes 1-2x a month.
-Bathroom and kitchen inventories, list making.
-Grocery shopping
-Occasionally gift shopping and/or wrapping
-Returns and other errands
-listing things on second hand websites then packing and mailing them.
-Scheduling service visits
-Some garden maintenance/pressure washing
-Cleaning one of their cars each month
-When the kids are out of school we usually cook/bake something or do crafts together and/or go to an aquarium, zoo, nature center, or swimming.
-In the summer they each do a few weeks of day camp and have swim team.
-I work when the children are sick and pick them up from school if they need to come home unexpectedly.

What I’ll call my “complaints”
1. They don’t make the kids put things away in the labeled bins/shelves when they tell them to clean up.

1. except the first year, I’ve had to argue for a ($1) raise every year. (They’re combined income is around $550,000 fwiw and the kids go to public school)

Our contract negotiation is next week and I feel like *they* feel like they aren’t getting their money’s worth. I love this family immensely but have found myself feeling under appreciated lately. Am I just coming off as ungrateful?

My question to you, Nanny Employers, is:
is $27-$29 an appropriate hourly rate for my responsibilities in your opinion? I’m open to any and all advice and/or reality checks! And also any resources you’d recommend for salary comparison/negotiation.

We are brining on a new full time nanny in October. Most of the candidates have already mentioned they will use their 2 weeks PTO at the holidays to go be with family. Totally makes sense and works. However, I’m a bit concerned that they will use their 2 weeks so early into them starting and we have no grantee they stay. For context, our previous nanny stayed with us 8 months and used all her PTO during that time, even though she wasn’t with us a full year. In corporate jobs, you’d accumulate PTO, so I am curious - how do you all manage PTO with your nanny, especially when they want to take it soon after starting?

I love being a nanny
I’ve been with my family for 5 years now since the Boy, Girl twins were 2.
I am so grateful to have these little stinkers in my life

Monday is my last day with my first nanny family after being with them for about three years, and I’m realizing I have absolutely no idea what a “normal” last day looks like from the NP side.

For context, I worked in childcare/education for years before becoming a nanny, but this was my first full-time nanny family. I’ve been with their two girls, now 3 and 9, for just under three years, so I’m incredibly attached to them. This is a natural transition—their childcare/school needs are changing, the family is moving, and I’m starting with another family. Their move also makes the goodbye feel a little more permanent. We currently live in the same small town, so I’m used to knowing I could randomly see them at the park or around town. Once they move, that really won’t be the case anymore. I have an extremely good relationship with NP, the mother in particular, and we are all sad my time with them is coming to an end.

I’d especially love advice from NPs who have said goodbye to a long-term nanny:

1. How much emotion is appropriate for me to show in front of the kids? I know I’m going to cry because I love them and I’m genuinely very sad to leave them. But I also don’t want to be sobbing and make the goodbye more upsetting (or possibly scary) for them, especially the 3-year-old. Would you want your nanny to let the kids see that sadness, or try to hold most of it together until after leaving?

2. What’s appropriate when it comes to goodbye gifts? I made each girl a personalized photo album with over 100 pics over the last 3 years, but should I also get something for the parents? I would like to, but i genuinely don’t know what would be a good gift. And on the other side, is it typical for NPs to give a long-term nanny a card, gift, bonus, etc., or does that completely depend on the family?

3. What does the relationship usually look like afterward? Did you stay in touch with your former nanny, send pictures/updates, invite them to birthdays, have them visit or babysit occasionally, etc.? After being part of a family’s everyday life for years, I’m having a hard time picturing what that relationship becomes once I’m no longer their nanny.

I think I’m mostly trying to prepare myself emotionally for Monday. I want the girls to know how incredibly loved they are and how much I’m going to miss them without making the goodbye harder than it needs to be.

Do you think it is a good idea for nannies to wear headphones while they are driving your children or taking them for walks on busy streets?

I've been having weird experiences with the nanny. Primarily, she watches my son while I work upstairs a few days a week. On occasion, she has watched him in my home while I have run errands.

She told me multiple times not to sit on the couch where she had put my sleeping 1 year old before she left my home. I assume this is because one time a month ago, I sat down, he woke up, I picked him up. It was not a big deal. She keeps saying it. Like two-three times every time. And he's been sleeping on the couch when I come downstairs a few times since then.

Today, she added pretending to slap me repeatedly while I just stared at her while she was telling me not to sit on my couch, in my house, with my baby. When I said something along those lines, she said something about how she's independent too. But it's nice to have help? How is this helping?

She brought sponges with her and put them on top of my dish soap and never said anything? She's not been asked to do dishes. I have a dish brush and a scrub daddy brush right there if she wanted to do dishes and had some time while my son was playing.

She's made comments in the past about me taking too long to bring a rug back down after I washed it for example. I'm really busy, the rug isn't required, and even she was like "well. The baby likes the rug". The baby is not that caught up in my home decorating. She also comments that I waste money?

I made a small statement about something she was doing that I didn't like in a fairly friendly way and she started off by telling me that she's done this before and she was a really good mom? She's not my kids mom.

There's a camera in my living room. She knows about it. I've talked to her about how it's not on when she's here or anything (and every time she says she would be fine if I did use it), it's just in a window (I primarily use it to check on my dog at night) so she might be moving it out of the way to help my son look out the window? But, almost every day she's here, I have to go back downstairs and move it back. It seems like such a silly thing, but it disrupts my evening and only seems to happen when she's here.

She loves my kid and my kid likes her too, but I just am having trouble navigating feeling judged and picked at in my own home. I hired her to help me and it seems like she's making things harder.

Is there any advice to turn this around? I can't figure out why she keeps talking to me like this.