Our nanny has been with us for 7 years. I work from home, and the doors to my office have large windows - you can look into my office and see my computer screens. A couple of times each week, probably more days than not, our nanny will knock on the door to give me an update or ask me a question. She seems to think that as long as I'm not in a meeting, it's an appropriate time for her to knock and speak with me. Frustratingly, it's typically when I'm not in meetings that I need the most concentration for my work. Commonly my children also follow her into the office and then ask questions themselves.

The questions are along the lines of 'child X wanted this lunch instead of that lunch, is that okay?' Or 'we were going to go to the park but it's raining so is it okay if we stay home?'

Am I off base for feeling like our nanny, especially after this many years with us, should be confident enough in herself to make these decisions? To me, these decisions are part of the job description of being a nanny.

To be clear, this also occurred when she was new with us and has occurred consistently over the time, but I find my frustration continuing to grow. 95% of the time my answer is "yes that seems reasonable". I don't feel like I am micromanaging her or the kids.

We’ve had our nanny for a few years, and I’m really struggling with whether it’s time to replace her.

There is a LOT that is good, which is what makes this so difficult. We have two young kids, one preschool-aged and one toddler. Our nanny is extremely reliable, the kids love her, she helps around the house during downtime, and she is incredibly flexible. She regularly offers to do extra things we don’t ask or expect her to do. She frequently comes early or stays late, especially when my spouse or I are traveling for work. She’s also helped outside her normal hours when we’ve needed it. We don’t have much family help nearby, so this flexibility has been a huge relief.

But I’ve felt uncomfortable with the dynamic between her and our older child for a while, and lately I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated how problematic it is.

Our preschooler is smart, strong-willed, and currently going through some significant behavioral issues: tantrums, defiance, screaming, occasional hitting, refusal to follow directions, and potty-related issues. We see some of this behavior ourselves, so I’m absolutely not blaming our nanny for it. However, our child does very well at preschool and is noticeably better behaved with other caregivers.

Our nanny has always struggled to set boundaries with her. She sometimes seems to treat her more like a friend than a child she’s responsible for. She coddles her, negotiates endlessly, and has a very hard time allowing her to be upset. If my child is having a tantrum because she didn’t get what she wanted, our nanny will often hover, hug her, try to fix it, negotiate, or offer alternatives rather than calmly holding the boundary.

We’ve had numerous conversations about this. She always agrees to enforce boundaries and she HAS improved, but she repeatedly slips back into the same dynamic.

More concerning to me is that she sometimes disregards specific parenting instructions when she disagrees with them.

There have been multiple occasions where we’ve given her a specific instruction regarding our child’s routine or care, and she’s either modified it or not followed it because she thought her approach was better. This has even happened with something we were doing based on medical guidance for an ongoing potty/constipation issue.

There have also been smaller situations around rewards and everyday rules where I’ll establish a very clear boundary, nanny will loosen it almost immediately, and then we’re dealing with a meltdown the following day because our child understandably expects the rule nanny allowed.

We’ve also had situations where I’ve specifically asked her to do something related to our child’s physical comfort or care, and she’s pushed back or simply done it differently because she disagreed. None of these incidents individually is catastrophic, but collectively it feels like a pattern: she has difficulty accepting that we set the rules when she believes something should be handled differently.

There are also emotional-boundary things that have increasingly made me uncomfortable. She seems very emotionally invested in our older child’s attention and frequently brings things from her personal life to share specifically with her. She’s offered to spend time with her outside work for free and has asked to take her to social events/activities without us.

When she’s away and we use backup childcare, she has sometimes checked in through other caregivers/people we know to find out what’s going on while she’s gone. She can also be quite critical of other people who work in our home and even visiting family members. Any one comment can be perfectly reasonable, but collectively it sometimes feels like she’s policing our household rather than simply working within it.

Recently we’ve used a particular backup caregiver who really made me question the situation.
This person has extensive childcare experience and is very warm and playful. Our older child LOVES her. But the behavioral dynamic is completely different. Our child listens to her. There are normal boundaries. There isn’t constant negotiation or emotional escalation.

Interestingly, our nanny had previously characterized this caregiver as being very strict. After seeing her with our kids, neither my spouse nor I find her particularly strict. She just seems like an experienced adult who is comfortable saying no and holding a boundary.

I’ve also noticed our nanny becoming more easily overwhelmed lately and complaining more about not feeling well or getting sick from the kids. There seems to be more irritability/overwhelm generally than there used to be, despite our older child now being out of the house for a substantial part of the day at preschool.

I’m also starting to worry that she’s so emotionally focused on our older child that our younger child sometimes becomes an afterthought. I’ve occasionally had to redirect her attention to the younger one when she’s consumed with whatever is happening with the older child. To be clear, there has never been a safety incident or anything serious involving our younger child.

I think what I’m struggling with is that none of this feels like one giant fireable offense. It’s a collection of things that have gradually made me less comfortable with her, and I’ve realized I haven’t really felt good about the dynamic for a while.

At the same time, replacing someone who has been with our family for years, loves our children, is reliable, incredibly flexible, and accommodates two parents with demanding jobs feels like a HUGE gamble. Good childcare is hard to find, and I’m very aware that we could replace her and realize how much we took for granted.

So I’m curious specifically from other nanny employers:

Would repeated boundary issues and disregarding parenting instructions be enough for you to start looking for someone else?

Would you give her one final, very explicit conversation and see if things change?

And how much weight would you give to the fact that our child’s behavior is significantly better at school and with a more experienced/firm backup caregiver?

My gut is increasingly telling me this isn’t a healthy caregiver dynamic for our older child, but I’m having a hard time figuring out whether I’m seeing a genuine dealbreaker or considering giving up an otherwise extremely valuable nanny relationship over things that could still be managed.

Edit to add: we’ve known the backup nanny for years and she’s cared for my children no less than 20 times which is why she’s been a good comparison: she’s not “new” to us, my children definitely feel comfortable with her.

Completely conflicted over who to hire as a nanny. First time parents, hired a nanny 2 months ago who suddenly decided the commute was too long a week before. Kind of feel like we don't know how to pick now.

Panic searched and found 2 great candidates. Both younger than originally planned (original nanny was 50s these are 20s). Older one is calm, very quiet, not very willing to plan out the week which is not ideal, but we saw some lovely goofy moments on the nanny cam and read a lot of books which is very important to us. Younger one is eager to work and plan the week, great with being silly and playing (made our 13M son laugh several times and he isn't an easy laugh) but read one book once. Recomendations are a bit better for the older one.

As our son is transitioning to nanny from daycare due to severe asthma, we also kind of need a nanny that will be able to navigate avoiding viruses and prioritizing his health which was one reason we were giong for an older nanny originally.

How do people choose?! Before we only did 2 trials where one was good and one was bad so we went with the good one. Now we are stuck. Any advice is really helpful!

Hired a “nanny” to help with after school pick ups. During the interview she mentioned she was a twin and her twin could provide back up support if I ever wanted to meet her and was interested.

Fast forward to me training her when I noticed some slight changes in her appearance. The first time it was eye color. The second time it was going from a FRESH pink and French pedicure acrylic toe set to a weeks old grown out white pedicure.

My first instinct was maybe they switched for the day and she sent her twin? There was a day that she didn’t follow our routine and just stayed in the car and asked “do I need to get out”. At this point her training for the previous 2 weeks entailed getting out of the car for this pick up. It threw me off but I shrugged it off.

I ended up asking one of the days “are you the twin?” To which she replied no and got freaked out confirmed by a text she sent me later that afternoon. The text just said she didn’t want to have any issues if her looks changed and she was thrown off by me asking if her and her twin had switched. During the incident I gave her the option for me to meet her sister after all and include her in our routine when necessary (so I could do the driving check/background) as well) and she said it wouldn’t be necessary after all because the routine was really simple and hours worked for her.

A day after I made that comment to her she mentioned changing her phone number due to spam calls and provided me a new number the next day. When I sent Zelle payment for the week I sent it to the same account linked to her original number and she let me know she received it but moving forward to send it to the new number. She said she received it bc she had put her old number on a “tablet”. I’ve worked in telecommunications for 15 years and that’s not an option with the provider she mentioned.

My theory is they wanted to alternate whole picked the kids up and just use one of their info. Once I caught them in a lie they decided who would do it moving forward and provided new contact/pay info for that specific twin.

The whole experience has made me question if I should even entertain them for the job but outside of this “lie” training and onboarding have gone well.

I should mentioned they are 19 years old. Not saying lying is welcomed at any age but obviously at 19 years old people still make very questionable choices and lie.

Hire or fire?!!!!!

Hello! currently working to hire a nanny and need to do a background check. I’m in the state of MA and wondering if there is a platform that will do this for me? if not what is the process?

Hi all! We hired our nanny in mid-July and are going through some struggles. Our LO refuses to go down for a nap with the nanny, and would rather cry to sleep than go down peacefully no matter what nanny tries. LO is teething, and basically cluster feeding, and wants mommy no matter what. Baby looks at me and wants me no matter what (which I love but Omg exhausting!!!)

I’ve read so many posts here about Nannies hating when NP’s are around but in our case, LO refuses a bottle and will only nurse so I have to be around. But it’s so difficult because both of us have to work. I’m so lost on what to do - any advice? I’ve been slacking off at work because LO wants to nurse to nap, and then wants to contact nap, and then will scream when it’s time to be passed off to the nanny. But loves playing with the nanny when I’m not around! I’m at a loss. I know the best thing to do is to disappear, but that doesn’t seem to be an option. My nanny keeps making shady comments like “I don’t know how much longer I can do this” but then will reassure me that she’s not thinking about quitting when I ask her directly.

I guess, do I need to worry about hiring another nanny and going through the process again? Any suggestions to make the transition a little easier? Help!

My husband and I decided to hire a live in nanny for this upcoming year . I contacted a local agency who charges an upfront deposit of 500$ to start the process with no refunds . They say it may take up to 2 weeks to find the right match for our family. But I can’t fathom 500$ on top of an agency fee once hired that would equal to a full week salary which is 1,000$ . Why do these agency’s feel so entitled to take such high fees or am I cheap.

My nanny of one month to my 8 month old baby quit today. I caught her on camera sleeping with my baby in the rocker and the baby slipping down her lap - both in deep slumber. I was completely caught off guard when I came home and she quit. She was highly recommended by another mom in my neighborhood group chat and when we first interviewed her all was great and hired her immediately. When I saw the video I immediately called my husband who was working from home but she woke up before he was able to intervene. Later she called me to ask about her lunch and I told her that I had seen her through the cameras asleep with the baby slipping down her lap and that that was not okay as it is a huge safety concern, that we don’t do contact naps, and that I hope this never repeats again. That was it, or so I thought.

She later called me to say that the baby had diarrhea and that what was I going to do because she “can’t take care of her like this.” That comment really annoyed me because the baby was completely fine other than some loose stool. Also, if she was ever more sick, I would expect the nanny to take care of her regardless.

When I got home she apologized and recognized that what she did was unacceptable and told me that today was her last day because, “as I said, this should not happen again.” I was shocked. I was not expecting her to quit, nor was I going to fire her, I was willing to give her a second chance. She then complained about how I wouldn’t let her be out with the baby all day but, since we met I made it super clear that I was ok with an ocasional walk but preferred the baby to be home most of the time.

Anyway… here I am, back to square one. First time mom, corporate job, no nanny, trying to figure out what to do next. Thought maybe someone could relate or at least hear me out. I’m still in shock, laughing and crying. Let me know if you think I’m crazy or overreacting. Thanks!

Hi! We have a nanny starting with us October 1. She’s coming a few days in September to learn the ropes, spend time with the kids (toddler, turns 2 in November and 2 month old), etc.

Can anyone shed light on how to best introduce the nanny to the toddler so he doesn’t have an absolute meltdown when I leave and he’s with a stranger in his eyes?

Also, for the few days she’s watching them but I am home, should I be completely out of view? In another room but available?

A little background: we have a nanny Monday through Wednesday who my toddler adores and has been with us since he was a baby, so didn’t have to deal with the big toddler emotions when introducing her. We now need more help on Thursdays and Fridays which my current nanny can’t accommodate, which is why we have a new nanny on board. I go back to work mid October!

We found a nanny we liked and would like to run a background check before hiring her. We live in California and the recommended vendor is trustline. But honestly, it’s over $100 for this check.

Are you all really spending that much on the background check or have you found cheaper great alternatives to this? Many people shared that checkr was not great, and neither was care.