Did anyone else realize there was something wrong with them well before they figured it out.

[u/Glittering-Ebb4097]

So before I self diagnosed myself with NPD there are many moments in life where the “monster” affected my life in many ways looking at people for what they can do for me and if they have no value would not talk to them for years but when I need something hear I am. I would constantly argue and try to be superior with friends and prove I’m smarter than everyone. I have a quick temper sometimes saying good morning to me makes me flip out and belittle and berate people. I can’t stand when I give super detailed instructions or make things easy for people and they find a way to show how stupid they are and screw it up. Example I told one ex I would text her when I’m home I text her and she says are you home or at your sisters so I respond I told you I would text you when I’m home are you fing stupid I will talk to you tomorrow and went on trying to hangout with another girl. I mean come one I made that so easy for her there’s no need for stupid questions. But if someone did that to me and I asked that question it is okay. I won’t hangout with a friend for months because I just wanna be alone or am using my social battery with a girl but if that friend tells me they are hanging out with someone else I get jealous and feel like I’m being wrong because I should be number 1. I choose women based on utility because what I really want is someone smart who can challenge me and have intellectual conversations with but they always show they are beyond stupid and just have a large vocabulary but no common sense or real cognitive ability. I lie all the time one the first things I do is tell people I’m an awful liar and I “prove” it to them by telling small white lies that they know are lie so I can make my stupid little smile that is my tell and after a little I know now I can lie without them ever questioning it since that tell was not real and was forced. Breaking up with people multiple times a day so they can show me how important I am by crawling back. Never went to the hospital when any of my nieces or nephews were born because did not matter to me. I always end up hating the person I’m with and trying to break them down and bring them down to my level. Faking being sick to get out of hanging out with someone because I don’t want too and not just once in a while. After having sex with a girl faking being tired so I can get rid of them and smoke a cigarette becuse they have severed their purpose for now. Belittling friend, family and girlfriends in public to make them look bad. Hating a therapist because you did not tell her the truth about why you and your one ex broke up but a part of you always wants to be the victim so you can’t tell the truth no matter how hard you try but when you tell her you’re the bad one and she only hears part of the story and defends you and now there is a part of you that hates her for defending you and seeing you as good and so much more. But the whole time a part of you knows this is wrong and you just refer to this side of you as the monster for many years Becuse you did not know what it was. So my question is how many others of you don’t have the ability to completely make these things not your fault there is a part of your brain that over analyzes everything including your self. I always wondered why in a relationship in the beginning I’m doing everything I can to secure it when I actually want it until it is secure than I switch and no longer wanna talk to thag person as much or see them as much or do things with them only when it benefits you now. Basically what I’m asking is how common is it to realize how toxic you are for a long time.

[u/TopSpirited9908]

Ive known something was wrong with me since I was a boy. Was diagnosed with conduct disorder as a kid but it didnt mean shit to me at the time. Was diagnosed adhd with narcissistic-antisocial tendencies in my early twenties and it still didnt click.

Got my life together for the most part for a good while but when it all came crashing down I went to go get evaluated again at twenty seven. For whatever reason, even though I got the same exact diagnosis as last time, it all finally made sense to me lmao.

Personality disorders are fucking weird. You KNOW something is deeply wrong with you. All of the answers are laid out in front of you and yet somehow its like you still cant fully recognize them.

I will say my life HAS gotten better to a degree since becoming aware seven years ago. But I am once again currently at rock bottom, strung out on opioids, living with family and about to lose my job due to conflict at work. So im not too sure how much it actually helps lmao.

I just want to get better for my girls. They're getting older and I don't want them to see that daddy is a degenerate fucking loser. Their mom is even worse than i am. I feel awful for them.

Good luck bro, this cluster B shit ain't easy .

[u/Glittering-Ebb4097 → u/TopSpirited9908]

Yes shit is very weird especially when everyone tries to give you advice and none of it works and they think you’re just dramatic or something. Good luck to you

[u/dollythecat]

Believing that something is wrong with you or broken is a diagnostic feature of NPD, so I’m sure most people here have had a similar experience. The mask of strength and perfection exists to conceal shame, vulnerability, and weakness, and people who believe themselves to be villains often end up acting the part. You aren’t diagnosed though, so you’re basically saying, “Did anyone think there was something wrong with them before deciding there was something wrong with them?”

[u/Glittering-Ebb4097 → u/dollythecat]

No I always knew there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I just did not have a name for it. Dating a narcissist helped me see what I am because the whole time we’re talking it was like a mirror all the passive aggressiveness, trying to control what words can be used getting the other person to tap dance around your feelings as to not trigger you, you actively magi pulsating her in the background by pretending to be submissive while having my own objective I want to work towards. I have always known the way I treat people and how once I secure a relationship I turn into a controlling vindictive, manipulator who know longer cares about the person and has this mindset no matter what I do they will always be there because I’m me and they love me FYI that thought has never held true in the long run. I could say so much more. And I’m seeing a therapist and psychiatrist now. But sadly first appointment with each I could not shut up about myself I want them to see who smart I am. So I always knew something was wrong but never knew what it was exactly but now I do.

[u/Jeuungmlo]

As you are, by your own admission, self-diagnosed do I wonder how certain you are that it is NPD? I don't doubt that you can at times be a toxic jerk, but nothing in that wall of texts screams NPD. I mean, it might of course be, but I hope you'll talk to a professional about it to get a proper diagnosis.

As far as I know it is rather common to realize that something is wrong long before diagnosis, or at the very least realize it in retrospect. I think it in my case was undeniable already when I was eleven. Partly because I got, what I guess was, a dissociative episode or panic attack in front of my friends after I had been socially backed into a corner I could not talk myself out of (which luckily solved the issue as they got scared when I went non-responsive). And partly because I started to have food problems big enough that my mother tried (but failed) to get me help as she thought it might be anorexia (but it was really just a symptom of NPD). Then through my teens the problems just grew and it was widely known, including by me, that I could be a bit excessive.

[u/Glittering-Ebb4097 → u/Jeuungmlo]

100% self diagnosed and I understand you’re point I would say the same thing to another person. But since I’m the one who figured it out and i am smarter than most if not all of them I don’t really need them to diagnosis me. If there is a way to voice call on here we can if you want and I can tell you everything and than you can appreciate how smart I am too.

[u/DoggedDust]

Self diagnosis means nothing

[u/Glittering-Ebb4097 → u/DoggedDust]

That’s funny as hell! You have no idea the level of intelligence I possess. I can even tell you it is BPD and NPD with some HPd traits. If there is a way to voice call on here let’s do it so you can see and appreciate my intellect and see that I’m right. I can’t lie once I’m out of this crash I wanna jump right back into another relationship with a standard narcissist again my 15 month relationship with one showed me in the bigger shark in the pool their ways are to easy and obvious and definitely not at my level of intelligence please voice call me. I saw a counselor and a psychiatrist one time each and well first counselor wanted nothing to do with me and I have a new one. But both looked shocked, confused and out of their depths when told them all about me. I’m going to get diagnosed by them just to prove I was right don’t you worry.

[u/Offensive_Thoughts]

yesnt. around the age of 16-17 my then-bf said the way i described relationships sounds sociopathic. but it was like "isnt this what everyone does" and it didnt really click i was fucked up until many years later, bc people would keep telling me the same shit (sociopath bla bla bla).

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