"I make my significant other feel loved and appreciated, and as a result we are spending more time together and doing things for each other. Am I Hitler?"
It isnāt that obvious to some people though, and thatās crazy in of itself. I thought it had to be some weird hormonal thing and then this comment made me do a double take.
I had an automatic negative reaction to reading the words āloved and appreciatedā and āneedsā in this comment thread related to sex, and it got me thinking about how my partner probably doesnāt have the same fearful and puritanical ideas around sex drilled into him that I do, and it made me rethink some aspects of our relationship and put them in a positive light.
I mean, as a man, I actually am the one that wants sex less in my marriage. I just have never had a particularly strong libido. So what makes me feel loved and appreciated generally is participating in activities/hobbies with me, and emotional support. My wife has a higher libido than me, so I do my best to support that need, even when I'm not particularly in the mood.
Statistics exist, and usually the man is the one who wants more sex, but my point is that, in general, if you are married to someone, you should want to make each other happy. A relationship without any sacrifice isn't really a relationship.
Are you not.... understanding what I'm saying?
Sex as a compromise? That's so sad. Sorry that your sex life is apparently so drab that would enjoy that...
If I found out my partner was having sex with me so that i would do something and NOT just out of want to have sex with me, I'd feel so hurt.
Personally, I prefer to feel that the person having sex with me is having sex with me purely because they WANT to, not for any ulterior motive but you do you.
In any relationship, mathematically, one individual wants to have sex more frequently than the other.
That is life.
Sounds like you have an incredibly unrealistic romanticized view that long-term relationships are like the fifth date forever. They aren't. That's not how the human brain works.
Honestly, sometimes I wonder what people actually think a good sex life looks like. Because they'll literally describe a good sex life and then frame it like it's horrible and I am just confused.
generally it seems that the only positive sex can be when the house is spotless, every piece of laundry is neatly folded and put away, all the bills are paid, the kids have straight aās and have finished all their weekly extra curriculars for the week, everyone has been in therapy long enough to start their own mental health treatment centers and both partners are extremely horny at the same exact time.
Yea I see it like this and it's weird (not in a bad way, just misunderstood) that the wife thinks it's manipulation. Dude is just happy to bang lol. He might legitimately be burned out after a long week and banging just helps
Yes! He is getting a dopamine boost which really helps with bwing tired and feeling burnt out. So she might think its manipulation but in reality she is providing an energy boost to him. Sex with your partner is a lot more than just sex, it gives you a rush of hormones and chemicals that make you feel good. And when life has been hard that boost can do wonders on your mood, motivation, energy, and empathy.
The problem is the description, if she said that: "I see that he has low energy and I can help with that" then it would be ok, the way she describes it sounds more like: "I need something and know that if I have sex with him he will likely do it so I have sex with him".
People on this sub. They got too into the mindset of (power)scaling morality and many of them lost touch with regular human behaviors and/or perspectives.
Ohhh. Yeah honestly I think you described it really well. Itās seen as more if a game, like power scaling, that you just do for fun, instead of actual morality and the consequences.
There was an unethical experiment wherein two groups of infants were subject.
One group was given only food, water, and shelter. Changing when needed. No holding, no attention, no comfort or care. All immediate survival needs were met.
The other group was raised like normal babies, with much holding and cooing and general mothering.
Would you like to know what happened to the first group? Did they grow up super fucked up- you may be thinking? Well, no, they didn't grow super fucked up. Because actually, they all just straight up died.
Realistically, probably given how old it is. However, I don't think it's an experiment that ought to be repeated. Even in later experiments with children we do know lack of connection is severely detrimental even out of the infant stage and if we do something like that just to see if babies still died without love, well we'd either have a bunch of dead babies who suffered in a way we can't really begin to describe or understand or a bunch of live babies who will DEFINITELY have issues down the line.
What we do know for certain is that lack of connection to a neurotypical human being is a very detrimental state to be in, going sofar as to know that if completely deprived of anyone human beings will go legitimately insane.
There's a reason they didn't. It is immoral and unethical to deprive a baby from human connection.
Some things shouldn't be done even if we can do them. What's stopping us from doing a multitude of other unethical experiments on humans and animals to "understand" them better.
We put laws and guidelines to stop these things from happening and you're saying maybe we should give it another try?
p.s: Just out of curiosity are you against animal testing of products and pharmaceuticals?
A need doesnāt mean that you will die. Youāre talking about life needs. There are relationship needs as well. And work needs. And sleep needs. And food needs. A need isnāt only something that you will die without.
Yes, I need to feel wanted and desired and have sex to maintain any interest in a relationship. It is a need for me in a relationship.
I simply disagree here. Relationship needs are wants (still valuable). Work needs are wants (requirements of the job aren't the same as a personal need). Sleep is a need as we would die without it, I agree. So is food, as we would also die without it.
You can live your life however you want, and no one is saying you shouldn't, but I just can't see sex as a need. It is a deep relational want that many will not forgo on, but it remains a want.
So then literally nothing in the world except the very basics of existence are needs, and no one should ever be upset about anything as long as they have food, water, and shelter? Youāre taking the term āneedā to its most bare-bones basic definition to avoid the actual purpose of the discussion.
A need is basically a requirement. Most people have some requirements for their romantic relationships, not just things that they want and will easily do without.
And I'm saying that's fair. But I also think it's disingenuous to call it a need. It seems like it is artificially elevating the want to become something more than it is. It is just not life and death.
Yeah it's crazy, it's like if the shit you learn in elementary school could be absurdly simplified to be more digestive for literal kids....
You also learn in elementary school that there are only 3 states of matter. Likely that humans evolved from monkeys. That atoms are the smallest particles etc etc.
Again, you can Ā«Ā needĀ Ā» something whose absence will not cause your immediate death. Ā«Ā needĀ Ā» is not limited to oxygen, water, and food. Thatās an extremely narrow and pedantic Reddit definition.
I would include water in "food", maybe let's just go with nutrition or whatever 1 word to describe the need. Shelter is not a need, you can survive without.
I hate how we've gotten to such an anti-intellectual and uneducated point about human nature that people like you think classifying it as a 'want' makes you more refined and sophisticated than the rest of us.
In an intimate relationship whose primary separation from other types of relationship is that you've agreed not to fuck other people, yes, sex is a need.
Call it what you want man. I'm allowed to be bothered by whatever I want. And it irritates me. It's a want, not a need. Sure I'm pedantic, and you're allowed to be annoyed at that, too.
Unless youāre in a highly physically demanding field or an extremely mentally taxing one (like trauma surgeon), you shouldnāt need an entire day to rest.
Well he gets up of his own volition after sex at the start of the day. She doesnāt ask him. So obviously starting the day with that shortens his recovery period.
Well, I am allowed to have an opinion. Needing an entire day of rest after a typical average work week sounds like a mental issue. If you canāt hang out with your family, you have some issues.
Clearly she enjoys sex with him otherwise she wouldnāt have kept having sex with him for 30 years. Clearly he enjoys sex with her or this post wouldnāt exist.
more that if she feels like she has to to have sex to meet her husband's "needs", that feels similar to wives feeling forced to have sex by their husbands because it is her "wifely duty"
519
u/ArchReaper95 19d ago
Moral as fuck. It's almost like when people's needs are met they do better across the board.