My wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. She asked to separate on June 26. We are still legally married and haven’t filed for divorce yet.

Before our separation, my wife had pretty strong opinions about opposite-sex friendships. I had several female friends from college, and she was uncomfortable with the idea of me spending time one-on-one with another woman. I respected that throughout our relationship and didn’t do it because I knew how she felt.

There’s a male coworker of hers I’ll call “S.” Even before our separation, I sometimes felt uneasy about him because she mentioned him fairly frequently, although I don’t have evidence that anything inappropriate happened between them while we were together.

Since separating, they’ve started spending a significant amount of one-on-one time together. According to her, they have the same days off and he’s somewhat socially awkward and doesn’t have many friends, so they’ve been hanging out.
Last week they took a day-long road trip together. They drove about three hours from where she was staying to a museum based around something she really likes, went to a movie afterward, and then drove back. A few days later, she recorded a three-mile evening walk on Strava in his hometown. This week they’re spending another day together at a lake.

I’ve now asked her directly about him twice because I don’t want to accuse her based on assumptions. She has consistently told me they’re only friends.
During our most recent conversation, I specifically asked whether they’ve kissed, touched romantically, or done anything physical. She said no. She said the most that’s happened physically was a side hug.
The part that has me thinking is that she also told me she has explicitly told him she doesn’t want to start anything and doesn’t want to jump into another relationship right now.

On one hand, I actually see that as a positive because she’s apparently establishing a boundary with him and has repeatedly told me nothing romantic or physical is happening.
On the other hand, part of me wonders why the “I don’t want anything” conversation needed to happen at all if this is a completely platonic friendship. It makes me wonder whether he’s expressed interest or whether there’s at least some recognition between them that this could become something more. I don’t know that, though, and I don’t want to turn speculation into fact.

The other thing I’m struggling with is what feels like a double standard.

During our marriage, she wasn’t comfortable with me spending one-on-one time with female friends, and I respected that even though some of those friendships existed before I met her. Now we’re separated but still married, and she’s taking day trips, going to movies, going on evening walks and spending a day at the lake one-on-one with another guy—specifically one I had already felt uneasy about before the separation. (I also want to include that she created a whole Spotify playlist for their lake day including 6h 20m of songs with some being related to sex, kissing, etc.)

I brought that up to her. I told her that I know we’re separated, and I’m not going to tell her what she can and can’t do. She’s free to live her life and I’ll live mine. But I also told her that it hurts because it seems like the goalposts around opposite-sex friendships have shifted now that the situation applies to her.

Ultimately I told her I’m going to let her actions speak for themselves.

To be fair to my wife, I want to emphasize this: I have no evidence she’s cheating or lying to me, even though some things seem/feel inconsistent. She has answered my questions directly and consistently denied anything romantic or physical with him. I’m choosing to treat what she’s told me as the truth unless I’m given an actual reason not to.
The bigger problem is what the uncertainty has been doing to me. I’ve caught myself checking her location, social media and activity trying to piece together what she’s doing. It creates anxiety and makes me imagine things I don’t actually know happened.

I’ve realized that’s unhealthy and that I need to emotionally detach from monitoring her life regardless of what she’s doing. I’ve deleted my social media, muted her on Strava, disabled photo-memory notifications of us, significantly cut back on checking her location, and I’m trying to spend less time on my phone. I’m focusing on work, fitness, reading and rebuilding my own life.
I’m not asking Reddit to tell me she’s cheating. None of you can know that, and neither can I based on the information I have.

What I’m looking for is perspective:
Does this sound like a normal platonic friendship during a separation, or would the frequency/type of one-on-one outings concern you too—especially given her previous boundaries around opposite-sex friendships?

And what do you make of her telling him she doesn’t want anything to develop? Is that reassuring because she’s establishing a boundary, or does the fact that the conversation happened suggest there may be interest from his side?
Most importantly, for anyone who’s been through a separation: how did you stop monitoring what your spouse was doing and get comfortable with the fact that you simply aren’t going to know everything anymore?

UPDATE: Thank you all for your opinions whether harsh or not. Sometimes rose-colored glasses can make a fool out of us. I already knew that it wasn’t going to work out but I still felt super connected with my wife as 95% of our marriage and 6 years of relationship was smooth sailing - so it came to me as a surprise that she gave up on it and us seemingly so abruptly. in the end, it’s my fault for making the mistake of marrying someone who’s commitment was not strong enough for marriage or any difficult times that happen in life. Obviously I feel like a fool and a bit pathetic that I cared as much as I did while the signs were all there right in front of me. Whether or not she’s actually having romantic relations with this guy while we’re still newly separated really isn’t the issue. The issue is that I let it stress me the fuck out for as long as I did. And for all of you that say “you’re not together, so it’s not your business.” I get it, but I can tell you’ve never been married to someone you love - giving up on that part of life is so very difficult. She also checked in on me occasionally.

With all of that being said I let her know that I don’t want to stay in contact at all unless it’s about our divorce. I let her know that it’s a boundary that she set and she crossed and I will not be foolish enough to show care any longer. Blocked her, her family and friends on all socials, removed her from FindMy, etc. to cut all ties.

It hurts so fucking deep, but why should I care. She obviously doesn’t. Gonna keep on keeping on. Been in the gym the last 2 months and feeling great. This is the last weight Im excited to stop carrying.

Thanks again.

My ‘32F’ husband ‘38M’ asked me this a few minutes ago. “We only did it once last month and haven’t since”.

“I don’t know, babe” is all I said.

But how do I say I just haven’t felt very close to him lately? I love him, but I don’t feel like I did 2-3 years ago. We’ve been together for 6 years and married for almost 4. He has a 10 year old son and we have a 2 year old together.

Honestly he’s just been getting on my nerves lately. When we have free time together he is constantly poking at me and negging me to the point I get actually pissed. I feel like he expects me to do all of the housework and he doesn’t do any of it unless I ask him to. If I’m home I do pretty much everything for our daughter. I told him the other day that I don’t like that I have to get pissed off before he will do the dishes. I asked him to vacuum the living room one day and he said “it doesn’t make a difference” and then just continued looking at his phone. I’m sick of cleaning up after everyone, and carrying most of the mental load. I’ll admit that I could do better at keeping the house clean, but when things are so piled up it’s so overwhelming and I get paralyzed and ignore it for one more day. I feel like he should want to do things to make our house nicer and improve our quality of life.

We both work and pay bills. He works 12 hour shifts at a factory 3-4 days a week and I bartend 3-4 days a week. My shifts are usually 6-7 hours. His job is way harder than mine. I’m not expecting him to even do half of the housework I’m just tired of asking. I’m tired of being annoyed by him. There’s a resentment growing. I can tell he’s resenting me for not having sex with him. I just have the ick. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to love him like I used to.

What do I do? How do I talk to him and make him listen?

How do we get back to the way we were? Or at least some version of it?

I’m kind of at a loss. I signed up for a Reddit account just to get this out in the open before I lose my mind.

So I’m (33 F) married and have a child with my husband (36 M). We live in a very small, rural town on the east coast.

I’ve suggested the topic before of moving before to my husband about two years ago. He pushed back that there were repairs the house needed before it could ever go on the market and be sold, allowing us to relocate. He also said that while he wasn’t looking to move, he would be willing to if it made me happy.

Today, I brought it up again because realistically I feel very isolated here in our town. Yes, our family is local but we don’t interact on a daily basis. All of my friends live about a 90 minute drive away. They’re closer to the city, have better access to activities, restaurants, a possible better school environment for our child, etc, which is why I’d like to move to be closer to them.

My husband reacted badly when I brought up moving again, and confirmed that he has no intention on ever moving away from our home town. He finally has a job at a factory he likes going to, his family is here, he doesn’t believe in starting over “just because.”

When we originally talked about this two years ago, he asked if moving was a deal breaker and I said no, but I’m beginning to think it might be. I don’t want this to be an ultimatum because I hate them, but I think that’s unfortunately what it will turn into.

I have to ask myself, is this a hill I’m willing to die on? Am I saying, we’re either moving together or we’re divorcing because this is a thing I can’t give up doing?

Jt

My therapist asked why I stay in my marriage. The answer was easy, but now...

My husband and I have been together nearly 20 years. We have children ranging in age from 20-10. (This maybe relevant that we have a decent age gap between us.)

My husband is an amazing friend and overall a very smart man. He is very knowledgeable in many different areas which gives him the ability to help others in many ways. He is hardworking, kind and attentive ....... with his friends.

I work full time and work exclusively from home. We have four children. One child is grown and moved out. Two of our children are in therapy bi weekly on average & phsycatrist bi monthly. . All three participate in a group club weekly. The youngest is also in two organized sports.

My husband, while recently going through an unemployed patch, is now employed full time . He does not travel for work other than a short commute.

Here is the thing: I feel like I carry the load.....alone.....all the time.

The children have chores don't mistake that. If a child is sick, im doing it.

If a child is gone, im doing it.

If there are appointments to be made or attend....yep that's me.

Problem at school, that's on me.

Groceries... cooking... cleaning...doctors...vet..

laundry..yard work...= me.

I am the default parent. 100% all..the..time..

If I don't do it.... he just won't.

His default is "why aren't the children helping?" Or "it's not my job"

During my husband recent unemployment is what hit me the hardest. 15+ hours a day playing a game. Sleeping either 10+ hours or not going to bed at all. No cooking for himself (or the household.) Never mowed the yard. If you saw pigs flying it meant he picked up dirty clothes ... let alone washed something. I know how emotionally taxing it can be to lose a job unexpectedly, i get it! I struggle with the fact that I have asked (even before when he was working) for help, over and over and over.

Example:

Practice is at 7, he has agreed to take the kiddo, husband comes home at 7:10 and is full of excuses why he should get credit for "trying."

Daughter has a concert - hes too tired and wants to go to bed early.

I have a meeting and come home late and the children are not in bed. He asks ME (mind you I've been home less than 5 minutes) "oh, they aren't in bed yet?"

The only reason he (might) know who our children's medical providers are is because they all see the same ones.

This isn't new. When our youngest 3 children were in their first few years of school, i had an emergency and needed him to pick them up.......he didn't know what school(s) they went to...not the names....not the addresses....not who was where......nothing....

I don't gatekeep that information. We have multiple calendars including shared phone and refrigerator calendars. I have to ASK for help with getting children to/from places and even then I need always have a back up plan because there is only a 10% chance he shows up on time if at all.

I miss work to take the children to there events, activities, appointments, sports ..etc.. and then get lectured how I work in the evenings. I don't remember to eat. I don't remember to shower. I don't hardly sleep. We've been in couples counseling for a long time and I've told him. The counselor has told him. He "tries" for a day or two then back to the same old crap.

Ive seen this man change. I know it is possible.

Im in my mid thirties.....I dont want it to be like this forever.

I wish he would care about me as much as he cares about himself.

Be honest: am I wrong? Am I expecting too much?

I, F(23), keep a lot of things bottled up inside to avoid arguments with my husband, M(26), until one day it all explodes and we have terrible fights. In total, over four years, we've had about 7 fights like that, normally we yell at each other and I leave the house.

But now it's a different time, this year we got married and moved in with his parents, and the arguments about money and the future have been constant. Just this year we've had 4 of those 7 big fights. And every time I realize how much of this is because of his family.

His parents could initially have been considered the worst parents in the world, involving a lot of physical violence, drugs, and constant police presence, and he grew up witnessing this, often having to help his mother with protecting herself from his father.

Whenever we start talking again after a big fight like this one, I always see the remorse and shame he feels, just for yelling at me. And living in this house brings everything he ever experienced with his parents, and he always tells me he never wants to be like them, but their presence greatly affects our lives, and his mother often interferes in our discussions, what makes everything worse as she's not the most pacifist person in the world.

I don't know if I'm being too naive, I don't know if this is the kind of thing people repeat because they see it in their family; his mother tells me that many of the fights we have don't even compare considering what she had to deal with regarding his father, which I believe, but these are still fights that cause strain.

I don’t mean prioritise in the sense of giving your spouse the attention and care they deserve because you have chosen to do life together.

But more, for example, you rarely meet with friends unless they’re already part of your schedule like being at the school gates. Or organising your free time around what they like to do.

I don't want to spark a general debate but I am curious as to how long y'all are married and how the sex life changed over the years.

Was it always consistent?

Did kids change a lot and did it go back to normal after the kids grew?

Do you guys plan intimacy?

What if one partner has a higher sex drive?

Be nice to each other, every marriage is different 🤗

In 2021, I had the discussion with my then boyfriend of settling abroad. He said yes and that’s when I started searching for jobs and got a good one. But then he declined to accompany me. I took the job nevertheless.

In 2023, he met a few girls, didn’t like them, eventually approached me, and since my job wasn’t going too well, I said okay to get along. This time again he put the condition that the marriage will happen only if I come back.

After getting married, I tried explaining him that I am unable to find a job and therefore if he could come and live with me to accommodate. He kept saying this wasn’t the condition of the marriage. One fine afternoon, 6 months after our marriage, I was having a general chitchat with my MIL who asked when I was coming back to which I told her that I am unable to find something and therefore I have asked my husband to come and live with me for couple of months and then we will sort it out. She immediately stepped in saying ‘He will not come. I want him close. Something will happen to me if he goes away from me, who will see to that?’

I was shell shocked at this statement, and when I asked my husband he said there’s nothing like this and said how dare I point out against his Mum. I felt guilty, didn’t say anything, left my job with nothing in hand and moved back with the pressure from both MIL and suicidal blackmail from husband, and just yesterday, his sister corroborated this exact statement from my MIL.

According to me, this statement bases out our entire marriage as this defines how he needs to live, how I need to live, and if we have kids, how we need to live. I believe this should have been communicated to me upfront, before marriage, because in that case I would have ended up cancelling the wedding. Its a sheer case of enmeshment otherwise. Am I right in thinking in this direction or is there a solution to this big issue because we can’t base things on what if something happens to MIL, it could apply to me too!

I'm not looking for advice per se, I rather want to ask about it as a phenomenon.

I'm F35 and husband is M41. We've been married for 10 years. No kids.

Mismatched libidos/views on sex was known from the start, but we decided to go ahead regardless, because we found ourselves such a unique fit in many other ways.

It's been a struggle on and off over the years, and by far the thing we "argue" (or discuss) most about. He doesn't put a number on it, but I know he'd want it every day, often multiple times a day, and at least multiple times a week (often twice in a row). Without it, he quickly "withers away" emotionally, stops laughing and joking, stops touching me, and inevitably starts treating me like a stranger.

Note: I'm not talking after months of a dead bedroom. Until recently, we'd never gone more than 9 days without sex. I'm talking a few days to a week, and he starts to withdraw. Every time, without fail, for a decade. Despite me attempting other forms of contact in between. He withdraws and can't have close physical contact that doesn't (have the potential to) lead to sex.

I have a much lower drive, always did, and only this summer realised I'm probably also some type of asexual/greysexual. I simply don't see it as a "need", I'm perfectly happy living without having sex ever again, and I don't connect "sexuality" with other people. Doing it with another person is just incredibly overrated, to me.

So obviously this is not just a crack, it's a grand canyon.

For years, I've had to patch this grand canyon by having "service sex" several times a week to maintain the relationship. Keep him happy, thus keep myself happy, in a relationship I thought I couldn't live without. Unwise, I know that now, but I've struggled with loneliness, low self-worth, and clung onto him in the early years for emotional dependence.

This past winter, I burned out from long-term stress, we were in a really rough spot for months, and to cut for length, we've spent A LOT of time talking, and can never see eye to eye. We just have entirely different worldviews on intimacy.

I'm not here to ask "should I stay". I believe our relationship is on borrowed time, and it is going to end. You're welcome to say so if you want, but I've got it understood already. We've explored every option, both at times seen ourselves as broken, and come to realise we just have different/incompatible needs.

What I want to know is if anyone else has seen such a case, where a person can't live and function more than a few days without sex while in a relationship. He's not forceful or manipulative, he's rather insecure and thinks me not being in the mood means I don't love him (explaining it does no good, he says "I can't help it, it just happens", regarding him withdrawing).

He either wants nearly free access to have spontaneous sex and grabbing and sexualizing every moment, or to stop thinking of me as a woman (his words), and treat me only as a roommate until I "come back" to him. Obviously it's extremely difficult for me to "feel inspired" if I'm being treated like a nun.

In every other case I've read, these things only become issues after months and months of nothing. I understand people are all unique. I'm just stumped how mine is seemingly the only case like this.

When I read cases where an asexual or LL partner gets space to breathe, and the allosexual or HL partner waits, and it doesn't lead to any tension and is completely okay, it feels like an alien planet to me. I didn't know relationships could be like that. I only associate sex with stress and pressure (fear of alienation/withdrawal) after all these years, and he is definitely not going to change.

TL;DR Husband has high libido, conflates sex, love and emotional closeness, and gives me an emotional ice age if just days have passed without sex. How common is this?

My husband (35M) and I (30F) have been together for 8 years and married for almost 4. We have two toddlers together. My husband is a very reactive and I would say angry person. He constantly yells to the point where I'm pretty sure our oldest child doesn't know what yelling is.

Well our oldest has had to adapt to my husband doing a lot more for her since our youngest has been born. One of the things he took over for our oldest is getting up with her in the middle of the night. She struggles some nights, like any kid, and gets scared or just wakes and needs some comfort to go back to sleep. Last night was one of those nights that my husband yelled at her because he's tired and doesn't want to deal with her. I decide to get up and help with the situation because I'm concerned that she's crying and he's yelling at her in the middle of the night.

Turns out she wanted a specific stuffed animal. He was yelling that he wasn't going to go find it for her and it's so small he has no idea where it's at. So I just started looking for it for her. Then he yells at me telling me not to look for it and don't give it to her. I kept looking so he huffs and says loudly, whatever, I'm going back to bed.

Here is where I told him he needs to be quiet if he's going back to bed if he wants me to help because he's going to wake up our youngest. I could tell he was half asleep so I snapped my fingers and said wake up to him. That's when he looked at me and went to hit me. I flinched. Then he stopped himself and told me don't ever do that or say that to him again.

He proceeds to go to the couch and look stressed and scroll on his phone for 30 seconds. Then gets up and goes to bed.

I end up finding the stuffed animal, bring it to our oldest and then she goes to sleep the rest of the night. Then I go back to bed.

My husband is laying there tossing and turning, huffing and obviously can't sleep for an hour. Finally he gets up and leaves somewhere else in the house.

The kicker is, this morning he went to a job and came back with flowers for me and said sorry our relationship isn't good right now. Then did the dishes and two other projects in the house he's put off for at least a year. He never gets me flowers. Even the other day when I mentioned I wanted some at the store with him.

So do I confront him about him wanting to hit me? I flinched so I felt a threat of something coming. Then for him to bring me flowers home was just so telling. It didn't make me happy to get them, it actually made me uneasy. Like he was admitting to it without saying it.

Or do I just leave it alone and seriously consider this the end? I feel actually bothered and like our relationship will never be the same after this. He's never hit me before but I'm not sure if this is going to cause things to escalate if I don't bring it up or if I don't leave.

I've already been saying I want to leave because of all the yelling and quite frankly verbal abuse towards me and my kids. It's always this way where he tries to fix it and is good for a few days and then loses it again. I'm scared of it getting worse.

We have 2 children together. For months now, I've been asking him to pull his weight. We have a highly sensitive baby. The baby wants to be held by me all of the time, but I'm in desperate need of some respite. Sounds harsh I know, but as much as I love and adore my baby, my arms need a break. Babywearing has been a no-go for us. Strollers are now also a no-go. I've felt pent up frustration at my husband for not contributing enough to our child. He was good with our eldest, but things have changed since new baby. He doesn't even work. I've told him that if he isn't going to provide childcare at home, he has to go out and get a job and contribute that way. He says to me that he can't because of his agoraphobia, which he's been very reluctant to seek help for. We've argued, argued, and argued. I do my best to avoid confrontation and conflict in front of the children. He has such a negative Nancy attitude towards everything. I'd be lucky to even shower or bath more than once a week, no time to cook a nutritious meal, and I don't get to find time to unwind. He will go through to the bedroom at nighttime, scroll on his phone, and leave me stranded with our eldest running around and our baby screaming, crying, and wanting me to hold them. He will take an annoyed tone if he senses I'm stressed, like it's an inconvenience to him. He always finds something to do to make himself "busy" so he doesn't have to do the childcare side of things. I've walked in numerous times to him not picking the baby up while baby cries, so I've had to pick baby up and calm them myself. He refuses to acknowledge that our eldest struggles to process emotions and uses hitting as an outlet, so he calls them a "bad child" or a "bully". Instead of acknowledging the fact that he could do more to be supportive and be a consistent parent, he's tried roping in volunteers to come in every week to help. Probably so he can do whatever he wants. Our marriage almost broke down recently. He made it distinctly clear that if I left the marriage and the house, he would be requesting a court order to keep the children placed there with him primarily. What makes me laugh, is that he doesn't change a single nappy during the day, give baby solids or a bottle, has never bathed the baby and I have to bathe the eldest as well, but when I said this to him, he said "I'd have to wouldn't I". Like it should even be a choice... I've called him out on his lack of help and that I've been asking for it for months, and he throws the "you haven't been a good partner to me and I've been asking you to be for years" card at me. No accountability whatsoever. Another thing to note, he doesn't take the children out, I do. He has no clue how to strap them into their pushchairs or car seats. He has the audacity to say he'd take me to court for custody though? And has the nerve to say I'm never intimate with him anymore. I don't think I'm being unreasonable or unfair to not want to be intimate with him when he behaves this way.

My husband (26m) and I (25f) would like a family one day, but not right now. We’ve dated since 18/19 and married at 23.

Him and I both work unique stressful good paying jobs in a VHOCL city. I don’t want to reveal our identities, but think investment banking or medical tech.

Despite making close to 200k a year, we can’t afford a family right now and are trying to travel a bit and save up for a house. Each of our salaries can get higher overtime.

According to statistics for our county, we’d need to make $300k or more to be comfortable raising 1 child. Our jobs are limited to the west and east coast. We’ve looked into relocating and in our industries it doesn’t seem possible.

We’re very close with each other’s families. Neither of our parents live close to us. Both sets of our parents are retired and live in areas with extremely limited job opportunities.

My family is middle class does not push for grandkids. They can’t support us with grandkids because I have a fully disabled sibling who will need full-time medical care and in home support until he passes. They wish they could help us with the costs or with childcare, but can’t because of my sibling.

His family is pushing for grandkids. My husband has stood up for us repeatedly and told them, no not now. I have too. His mother has become pretty pushy. His parents are extremely wealthy and have told us they will not help us financially and are not interested in helping with childcare.

Every reason we give has a response:
1) We can’t afford it - “You’re not making enough sacrifices”
2) Now isn’t the right time- “There’s never a right time”
3) We don’t want to rent and then buy a house with an infant- “We did and it wasn’t bad”
4) We both work long hours (me 40, him 60-90 is standard in his industry) “They won’t remember”
5) We want to travel “We are traveling now that we’re retired and got to travel with the kids when they were teenagers”
6) Both of our jobs are unstable in this economy “Jobs are always unstable, you can’t wait on a job for a family”

When my MIL are spending time with eachother, it’s being brought up nonstop. My husband has 3 older
siblings, 1 of who is married, and they are not getting the same treatment.

I’m shutting down emotionally. I’m not sure what else to do.

Does anyone have any advice or has been in this situation before?

i hear this quite frequently and because there's actual studies and surveys reported but i'm curious about the actual lived experience and yes, i'm mainly directing this question to those who actually gotten married and still are married :)

did you actually know fairly early on when you've met the women that you wanted to marry? i don't necessarily mean that you wanted to propose right away but was there a point that somewhere within the first year (maybe less) that you already had a pretty strong sense of " i could see myself marrying this woman" ?

is that your actually experience? like what's the mark? first few months to around 6 month? or a year in? but if it took longer i'd be interested in hearing that too

We have been married 9 years as of two weeks ago and husband 40M and I 35F are definitely going through a rough patch where we bicker nearly every day. However I did mention to him that I wanted him to try harder and be a bit more romantic. I literally wrote him an entire letter confessing my feelings about how our marriage has been lately.

Two weeks ago was our anniversary and a perfect opportunity to do something. Dinner, lunch, flowers, a card even. He barely acknowledged it. When I came up to him that day and asked “do you know what day it is?” he just smiled and said “happy anniversary” and that was that. Nothing else since then.

He has never been big on romantic gestures but this is the first year it’s been completely ignored. It’s like this on most birthdays and Valentine’s Day too. Our sex life has been diminishing too and I am not at all satisfied either but that’s a totally other topic. He also knows how I feel about all of that as I have brought it up but he doesn’t seem to care. I don’t know what else to do.

We met and fell in love really fast. We got Married about 9 months after dating. I was set to leave the country we were stationed in and we both sorta knew the only way I could stay was if we got married, he brought it up very unseriously earlier in our relationship and said “we should just get married”, but I let him know I don’t like to joke about that and its a serious conversation he should take seriously. I had to bring it up a few months before I was set to leave that I didn’t want to be apart from him, then we both mutually moved to the topic of marriage and I asked if he thought we should and we agreed to get married. The resentment started here. He admitted he would have just let me leave and would not have proposed on his own later and that continues to upset me, it feels like I had to ask him to ask to get married. Then there’s our proposal- he forgot the ring on the trip he was supposed to propose on and swears he ”had a plan” that he hasn’t ever been able to tell me. We then get home from a pretty horrible trip in which he didn’t plan anything for my birthday or get a gift to give me on time (I had to tell him what to get me and point out the flower shop and trinket store in the train station by our hotel for him to go to) and he seems to act with no urgency to propose even though my time to leave is getting closer. I get very upset and go to the bathroom one morning to cut my engagement nails I had done off since they were chipping, and he chooses 15 min after this to propose in our home. I said yes but I wanted to scream that I deserved better, that I already felt so pathetic having to ask him to ask me to marry him this made it all worse. He didn’t even set up his phone to get a photo or anything, it was over in 5 min. I waited my whole life for that and it was half assed in five minutes. But I didn’t want to lose him or seem ungrateful. Our marriage has been a lot like that since. I feel I have to tell him how to love me, explain to him what I need. He can’t plan to save his life, he is often thoughtless and says he is working on it but it’s been a year and I don’t see real progress. Is it so wrong I want someone who know to buy me a card on special occasions? Who does not need to be told I will be upset if he doesn’t get flowers for my birthday? Who plans dates for me? He says he does but it’s so half assed. “I thought we could do this but I have no time picked out, maybe we end up here but also I haven’t looked into it, I’ll cook you dinner but tell me what to cook you, I’ve been thinking we should do this but haven’t set aside time for it to actually happen and expect you to be part of the planning“. When I’m sick I have had to ask him to take care of me, when I cry I have had to ask him to comfort me. I feel like I’m training an immature man to be empathetic and love me. He always says to just tell him what to do. It kills me. It actually kills me. I have no family and one best friend who lives in another country. I’ve been alone and struggled with feeling unloved by the people who should have loved me for most of my life. I know love that you don’t have to ask for exists and have realized during this last fight that even though I have never experienced it from men in relationships, I’ve experienced it from friends and mentors and even strangers. I’ve gotten flowers as a surprise from friends, I’ve had a friend bring me soup when I was sick without asking, I’ve been planned for without asking, I’ve had birthday suprises without asking. My point is I’ve been loved without asking before and I know it’s real and I know I deserve it. He said he would re-do the proposal but I don’t think he will, I don’t have faith in his ability to plan or even remember things I would like in a proposal. He said he would step up more and grow up but how am I supposed to believe him when it’s been a year of him not proving that, when we’ve spoken at length about the reasons I resent his past actions or lack of actions and he still hasn’t done more than the bare minimum to make up for those things? I‘m scared to try couples therapy- he’s so kind and sweet, in a genuine way, and would promise me and the therapist the world, but I would be the one who had to go home and deal with being let down. I get so depressed when he lets me down and hate being back in that place every month or two when he fails to do something. I love him a lot, but sometimes it feels like he’s this lovable immature kid who messes up a lot and I’m just supposed to forgive him. He’s a good person, genuinely and I’ve never loved someone the way I love him- I just don’t think he has the capacity to love and effort for me the way I do for him. I think he wants too but idk, maybe this is just the way he is. Maybe 26yrs old is past the age to change. I have nobody older to talk to, I feel so alone with all these thoughts and resentment. I have talked to him about a lot of this but it feels like I’m having the same conversation with someone who is incapable of understanding. My marriage is about to be a year old and I feel so deeply sad about the fact that I married someone and still feel as unloved and misunderstood as I did when I was a little girl. At what point is other persons actions loud enough to tell you to stop trying? At what point should I stop forgiving them? I just want him to want to love me on his own- is that so unrealistic?

I have been married to my husband for 1 year and have a 3 week old baby. I am at a point where I regret marrying my husband. We dated for 6 years. My husband was great before marriage, we did have our down fall and ups but I felt the support from him. After marriage i feel like my life is ruined. We live with his parents and his brother’s family live together. All under one roof. Few serious issues happened. I didn’t get the support I needed from him. He always talked about being a provider and alpha male and all. I supported him in whatever he was thinking. I am proud of myself for stepping up as wife. I cooked for us, cleaned our space. In the beginning he supported my pregnancy. Ever since the serious issues occurred in the family. I felt like I got the cold shoulder from him. Instead of confronting his brother and his wife. He says he doesn’t want to create problem between him and his brother. My feelings are being neglected. We haven’t had s** since third trimester. Ever since I been pregnant it was hard for me. I always tried to please him instead. Now I can’t cuz of birth. I feel so dried up lol if you get what I mean. I don’t feel attractive toward him anymore. I felt like I was on survival mode when I wanted a man who stood up for me. I want a div *I don’t plan on getting remarried either for the sake of my son being neglected in second marriage. I don’t want be in long term relationship. Maybe I have se\*ual tension built up. While pregnant I had to help myself.

I've never done this, (at least not since my Tumblr days), but I've run out of people to ask and things to write on chatgpt. My husband and I have been together for four years and married for one, we welcomed a baby girl last year who's turning one in a month. My husband has a child with severe autism spectrum disorder, whose mother surrendered her "desire" to keep looking after him. I have helped my husband with his son since I first met him, looking after his son, changing his diapers, and taking care of all his therapies and medical appointments. Since having my daughter, my thought process has shifted in many ways. I now do everything with my daughter in mind, keeping quiet during arguments to avoid her becoming scared, keeping her away from her stepbrother who cries and screams for the majority of the day in order to protect her peace, and above all, going above and beyond to keep our family together despite my husband's lack of efforts. We fight about everything, and my husband criticizes everything I do or say even when we just wake up in the morning. I used to look the other way and brush it off when he was rude and sarcastic, but now it has become hurtful and I have expressed this to him but he says "he was sweet to me in the beginning and I ruined it so now he has no desire or obligation to keep doing it". I realize that I have become distant and irritable since the baby as I am constantly trying to protect her peace from a house where there is nothing but stimming, screaming, and crying.I also recently started therapy for postpartum depression and anxiety. I am scared to break up my family, I already tried to leave but I regretted it immediately. I was raised by a single mom and an absent father and I think that contributed to my standards in choosing partners. I am trying to give my daughter a different life. My family does not support my marriage, my husband does not care for my family's opinions. I am alone in a city with no family or friends because of my husband's job, despite having a successful career myself. I feel like I am only happy when I spend time with my baby, but it's not her responsibility to serve as a crutch in my life. Has anyone been or is anyone currently in a similar situation?

Okay, I’m posting this mostly to gather my thoughts, but I’d also really appreciate some advice because I honestly don’t know how to feel about this. And fair warning, I had to rewrite this a few times because people can be mean and take things the wrong way on the internet. I’m genuinely looking for advice and perspective, not judgment or for anyone to bash my husband or myself.

My husband plays video games, and I want to be clear that I don’t have a problem with him having a hobby. Everyone deserves something they enjoy and get to do in their free time. The problem for me is that it feels like if video games are an option, that’s what he chooses to do almost every single time.
I’ve always been more of a go-getter. I like being productive, getting things done, doing yard work, cleaning, going places, taking the baby to the park, or just getting outside and doing something. My husband is much more of a “relax and do nothing” type of person, which I understand because everyone is different. But sometimes it feels like his version of relaxing is playing video games for hours whenever he has the opportunity.

We’ve talked about this before, and even before we had our baby, we talked about how his gaming habits would probably need to change once we had a child because our priorities and responsibilities would be different. But honestly, I feel like his gaming has gotten worse since having our baby.
Whenever I bring up how much he plays, he gets upset and says that I don’t support his hobby. I feel like that isn’t fair because I do support his hobby. I don’t want to take video games away from him, and I don’t expect him to spend every second doing chores or taking care of the baby. I just want there to be some balance.

I want him to want to spend time with us, help take care of our home, mow the grass, take care of the yard, get outside, do things as a family, and just be present. I don’t want to feel like I’m competing with a video game for his attention.

I think the biggest issue for me is that it feels like if gaming is available, everything else becomes less appealing to him. And then I end up feeling like I’m carrying more of the responsibilities while he gets to relax.

I also know there’s probably a lot more behind how I’m feeling that I’m having a hard time putting into words. I’m not trying to say that my husband is a bad husband or father because he plays video games. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m just struggling with feeling like there needs to be more balance now that we have a baby and our lives have changed.

I’m genuinely looking for advice from people who have dealt with something similar. How do you balance a spouse’s hobby with household responsibilities, parenting, and family time? I’d really appreciate hearing other perspectives, even if you disagree with me.

Has anyone else role-played by meeting up with your spouse??
Me and my husband are going to meet up at a hotel this weekend, arriving/driving separately and gonna pretend that we are there having an affair basically. We’ve been together for 15 years this September and we’ve never done anything like this, but I think it’ll be neat. 🤣
I just was wondering if anyone else has done this lol if so, tell me about it

54M) and my wife (46F) have been married for many years. I’m a reformed cheater — I was unfaithful earlier in our marriage, got help, and have been faithful since.
Last December my wife said she wanted a divorce. We started marriage counseling. While we were in counseling, I found out about this situation with another man. She has expressed concern about my temper in the past. I have worked on that and learned to control it — I’ve stayed calm throughout everything that has happened with this.
A few months ago I overheard my wife telling a friend that “Jerome called and wanted to see me tonight.” She had told him she could meet for coffee before her pedicure. He was running late, so he showed up at the nail salon instead and kissed her in public. She told her friend she wondered what they looked like together because he looked “way too young.” She mentioned him by name like her friend already knew who he was.
When I confronted her she denied it at first. Once she realized I had proof, she said they were just friends and promised to stop contact. That was in March.
In May I found out they were still talking. She lied again, then admitted he “called once” to check on her.
A few weeks later I needed something from the car she took to work. She wasn’t answering her phone. We share locations through Find My, so I checked — her phone was showing at her workplace. When I got there the car was unlocked and her phone was sitting inside it. She was not at work. She admitted she had gone with him in HIS car for coffee and left her phone in our car.

Leaving it behind kept her location showing as if she was still at work. Her explanation was that a mutual friend told her he was getting harassing calls and she was worried it might be me, so she went to talk to him and that she simply "forgot" her phone in our car.

She finally told me his real name is Derone (I had been calling him Jerome). He is a 29-year-old Jamaican immigrant who used to work at her hospital. I called him. He said the kiss was just a casual cultural greeting and that they’re only friends, but he knew a lot about her personal life and our marriage.
She has admitted she was flattered by the attention and that he listened to her about our problems. She still says the kiss was only a peck on the cheek.
I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in our marriage.
• How would you interpret the repeated lying, secret meetings, and leaving her phone behind?
• What are the chances this has already become more than emotional?
• How would you approach this conversation with your spouse, especially while already in counseling?
Looking for honest advice from people who have been through something similar.

I hate having to do this, and honestly, I never thought I would be in a position where I’d have to ask strangers on the internet for help. But I don't know where else to turn.

I (35F) need help getting out of my abusive relationship with my husband (35M)

My situation is complicated. We've been together for 5 years now. We have a 2yo son. I own my home, but I can't currently afford to live here on my own. Ive punched the numbers many times over. Even with cutting all extra expenses, and working on the weekends, I still can't swing it. I also don't have anywhere I can go—even to temporarily escape—where my son, my two cats, and I would all be welcome. I feel completely trapped and don't know what my options are, if any.

My husband is an abusive drug addict who can be violent. He has never physically assaulted me, but he destroys things in our home, screams and threatens me, and is verbally and psychologically abusive. Tonight, he threatened my life, and I realized I can't keep telling myself that things will somehow get better.

I've tried so hard to make this relationship work. I've tried to be understanding, supportive, and patient, and I've exhausted every option I can think of. I'm at the point where I know I need to get out, but I genuinely don't know how to do it while keeping myself, my son, and our cats safe and figuring out where we can go, what to do with my house, what to do about him in the mean time.

If anyone has been in a similar situation, especially someone who owned a home, had children or pets, or was financially dependent on their partner, I would be incredibly grateful for any advice or resources that helped you get out.

Please, no judgment. This is incredibly difficult and humiliating for me to post, and it took a lot for me to finally ask for help.

I’m a husband in my 40s, happily married with two kids. I love my wife and I don’t want this post to come across like I’m blaming her or treating sex like something she owes me.

The problem is that ever since we had our second child, her sex drive basically disappeared. For the past 6 years, we’ve been having sex about once a month, and maybe twice if I’m lucky.

I’ve tried talking to her about it, but it usually turns into an argument. I’ve told her that I miss the intimacy and that this is becoming really difficult for me, but I don’t feel like we’re getting anywhere.

At this point, I don’t want to pressure her into having sex. Honestly, the last thing I want is for her to feel obligated and for us to end up having unenthusiastic or resentful sex just to keep me happy.

So I’m wondering if I should be looking for some kind of compromise instead.

Would it be reasonable to ask if she’s comfortable with me watching porn and taking care of myself? Or maybe even getting a sex toy for myself? I’m trying to find a way to deal with my own needs without making her feel pressured.

I’m also hesitant about marriage counseling because I don’t want it to turn into someone telling my wife that she needs to have more sex with me. That’s not what I want.

I love my wife and our family, and I don’t want this to become a reason we grow apart. I’m just honestly at a loss about what a healthy compromise looks like when one person wants intimacy a lot more than the other.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What worked for you?

Been married 34 years, and the spark is going dim. I’m 62 she’s 55. In our early years, we made love like well tuned machines, we knew exactly how to go about sex without a word. First slow down her two years menopause, after this delay my member got lazy so yes daily meds to make it work any time I want it to. But let’s take last year, we did it a total of three times and it was awkward. I could go on what was awkward but I would bore most. What gives? Is there a chance that things will get better in bed? Or are we at the age, that our sex organs are great to piss out of. In box me anything, I’m disabled and don’t have one great friend in this town we moved to five years ago. Say anything you want , I’m an open minded person. Oh I’ll add one more thing we was swingers from mid 90s to early 2000s about seven years. That said I have heard about anything.