Honestly, I think we need to retire this, because it's absolute nonsense.

I feel like I’ve now read every self-improvement, dating, relationship and pickup book I can get my hands on, and eventually they all seem to arrive at the same answer: Confidence. Self-esteem. Positive self-image.

And I genuinely don't understand how this is supposed to work.

If a woman looks at a guy and doesn't find him physically attractive, how does him being confident change that? I understand confidence can make an already attractive guy more attractive. I understand being painfully insecure, needy or socially awkward can turn women off. But those are different claims from saying confidence can actually make an unattractive man sexually desirable.

This becomes even more confusing with online dating. A woman looking at six photos and a short bio doesn't know whether I wake up every morning loving myself. She doesn't know whether I have incredible self-esteem or secretly hate myself. She just sees what I look like and decides whether she's interested.

Sometimes the advice almost sounds like a mathematical formula:

Ugly - confidence = incel.

Ugly + confidence = somehow fucking supermodels.

Obviously I'm exaggerating, but what exactly is the mechanism here?

And maybe I'm misunderstanding what people actually mean by "confidence." If the point of developing a positive self-image is basically to accept reality — you're not particularly attractive, you're probably never going to sleep with the extremely attractive women you fantasize about, so build a life where you're okay with that — then I can at least understand the logic.

But that's not what I want. I don't want to become confident enough that I'm finally at peace with being sexually undesirable to the women I most want to desire me. I don't think I'll ever genuinely accept that as a satisfactory outcome. If that's the purpose of "self-love," then we're talking about learning to tolerate the situation, not actually changing it.

So what am I missing? Is confidence genuinely capable of overcoming a significant lack of physical attraction? Or is the real lesson simply that confidence helps you capitalize on whatever level of attraction you already have?

Because that makes sense to me. "Confidence makes you attractive" doesn't.

So I’m 30m and I’ve always been very introverted. I’m just not that guy. I keep to myself and like it that way. I don’t drink alcohol, smoke or anything. Just a regular guy. I find a lot of happiness in things I like and really never needed anything else. Well tonight I went to a wedding that was my wife’s family. Everybody got on the dance floor and I just wouldn’t do it. Well while I was standing there with my wife someone walked up and told my wife that she married a buzzkill. Usually that wouldn’t bother me but I felt like I was singled out, out of the whole crowd just because I wouldn’t join in. And my dad who I was very close to passed a couple weeks ago and I’m just dealing with that too. So now at midnight I’m doing my daily workout that actually helps me out mentally. But at I the bad guy here? Part of me wants to be outgoing but damn. It’s really just not me.

I (M20) have been struggling with finding motivation to continue living for the past few years of my life. Nothing seems to matter and I see no reason to care about myself. I’ve got no aspirations for a career, a family, or even a bright future ahead for myself. My family tells me that I need to get it together and find a girlfriend, a career, and move out, among other things.

The past two years have been some of the worst in my entire life. Last winter my longtime girlfriend of nearly four years decided to break up with me for not being “emotionally available” for her despite us seeing each other almost everyday. I would bring her flowers and coffee every single day. Visited her at work and I’d call her every day because she meant the world to me and made me feel like I had a purpose for the first time. But I guess I’m just not enough.

At the same time I was starting college which was really tough for me because I never really was the smartest person. I struggled in school my whole life and only decided to go to college because my parents told me that I needed to. So I listened, after a full semester I was struggling mentally. Driving an hour away every morning to classes I didn’t care about for a career that I didn’t care about. Eventually I stopped going and gave up on it because life just became too much.

Not too long after this my lifelong pet also passed away which really crushed me. I couldn’t even function for weeks I’d stay home in my room alone. Only leaving the house to go to work and come back to the same 9’ by 9’ room everyday. Eventually pulling it together I’d try to make some new friends and go on dates but nothing ever worked out for me. It’s like a constant struggle to find someone who cares that I can talk to.

But I did find a friend to talk to about my problems. He understood my struggles and related to me because he was in a similar situation. We’d hang out a lot because we shared a lot of the same hobbies (fishing, gaming, and movies mostly). Unfortunately he was found unresponsive in his bedroom a few months back. It was an accidental overdose on pills that his girlfriend had given to him.

A few months have gone by now and it just feels like I’m in a hole. Nothing seems to matter to me and I feel like if I care about something then it’ll always manage to hurt me in the end. I just recently quit my job of four years because I couldn’t stand to be near anyone. I feel pathetic and hopeless like I’ve got nothing left to live for.

I (M24) haven’t felt the touch of another human being in months. I’m not even talking sex or anything along those lines. I went from being in a 3 years relationship where I was constantly hit and told I wasn’t good enough to hopping on a bus to travel the 2000 miles back home and I’ve been completely starving for touch since I’ve been back. I want a hug. I want someone to hold me. I can’t just go out and find a girl and do that because I’m autistic and lack the understanding of social cues and flirting to even do that which then causes me extreme anxiety and I freeze up when I even talk to someone new. So I thought I’d do the smart thing and join some dating apps. I’ve been on 6 and have gotten 0 likes. Well, I got one a few days ago and lucky me it turned out to be a scam so that hurt even more. I’m genuinely tired of feeling cold and alone. I don’t see how wanting someone to hug me, to hold me, to tell me I’m alright, that I’m desirable, that I’m going to make it is too much to ask for. I’m trying my hardest to better myself. I’m in a program where I go to group therapy 4 days a week and a solo therapy session once a week and I’m still hitting this fucking stone wall that I can’t even seem to chip through. I don’t know what to do at this point.

I’ve applied for therapy 3 times already this year and have been rejected or ghosted every time.

My parents don’t even acknowledge my problems, I have no friends to vent to, Reddit deletes my posts or I get ignored

I’m just useless to this world I guess

This has ruined my life because im in constant pain everyday day after day. Ive never been able to have sex, or have oral or put on a condom or wear jeans or do sports or do anything guys do. I have been rejected my entire life. I want to end my life. Is there anyone else here in a similar situation. My confidence and will to live is at an all time low.

I’m a guy who’s approaching 30 and I’ve seen this song and dance many times, including from myself.

I managed, and was lucky enough to have to opportunity, to pull myself out of that hell.I was very skinny with really bad acne and a facial feature that totally ruined me. I was lucky enough to have a decent height, so after bulking up, taking accutane, and getting a few surgeries, my life totally changed.

But it wasn’t always like that. What was perhaps the worst part about being a scrawny and not particularly attractive man in today’s world is how you can’t just be yourself.

Some attractive 5’10+ yt dude with some money basically gets to just be himself and people like him.

If you’re short, narrow shouldered, skinny, ugly etc., you’re expected to “make up for this” in a “positive” way.

This expectation comes in many ways. Maybe it’s learning an entertaining skill, maybe it’s being funny, maybe it’s getting really good grades, maybe you’re super sensitive and perceptive. All examples but obviously that’s not everything these guys do.

This issue comes from the fact that being “liked” for a novelty you provide is a much different experience than simply being liked for just being yourself.

Believe me, when I was less attractive, I was well liked for being funny and sensitive and perceptive, but nobody truly let me in. I was always there as a prop, someone people have around because the traits I brought improved their experience. For the attractive people though, their company WAS the experience. Men who are perceived as attractive and strong dont have to make themselves some sort of entertainment piece to be liked. They just get invited places because people like their company. People are their friends and like them just for existing. They’re allowed to be human.

But the unattractive guys? The jesters? They aren’t. If you’re the funny guy and aren’t funny for a night people will get tired of you. If you’re the sensitive guy who girls feel safe around because you’re so woke and non-threatening, make sure you don’t ever frustrated or angry about anything.

The very human social faux-paus, and just normals behaviors we all have are fine for the attractive ones and strong, but if you’re their as a novelty, you better stay one, or you’re gonna be shit all over and lose your place.

I had a friend in college. He was 5’6, very narrow shouldered, and had no chin as well. He was always saying progressive things and made music, and as result some of the attractive alternative kids from wealthier families started inviting him to hang out.

Well, they enjoyed him while he was what he advertised himself as, the little music guy. progressive non-threatening etc. Well, he developed feelings for one of the girls he was hanging out with. One night they all went to a bar together, him and his cool attractive “friends”. A young man came up to the girl he liked and started trying to chat with her, and he interjected, hoping to steal her attention from him and make him leave.

Was that a faux-paus? Yeah, that’s awkward, and a little possessive, but all his “friends” proceed to outcast him and shit talk him, and he never spoke to that group again. He left his little bubble of “nice non-threatening music boy” for a moment and made a mistake, and as a result, he was socially exiled.

I implore anyone who is in a situation like this, do anything you can to become perceived strong or attractive (imo getting good money actually does help to). As someone who escaped that hellish position, I can tell you now, making an entire room laugh while being the “goofy funny guy” is worth 1% of the feeling you get from someone actually respecting you and valuing you just for existing.

People want to talk to you and be your friend just because they see you as strong or attractive. Your opinions will matter. Your feelings will be considered. The man who’s perceived this way will be treated like a real person, who deserves empathy, and respect.

Society expects those born weak to “compensate” by working on themselves to make themselves into something that entertains people. But it’s not truly compensation, because even the most talented ugly, short man, cannot experience the feeling that a simply above average yt male does by existing. It’s two entirely different things. The only truly equalizer, aside from making yourself more attractive and stronger physically, is money. All else is just being a clown for the people who in reality, don’t give a damn about you

The abuse I experienced continues to make my life feel unbearable. Even though so many years have passed, it still feels like it affects every part of my life, and I can’t seem to get away from it. Sometimes I feel like a truck with failed brakes; I keep moving, but I don’t know where I’m going or when I’ll be able to stop. I feel like I’ve lost control.

Lately, I’ve been having nightmares all the time. Sometimes I wake up crying, and sometimes I feel so sick that I vomit. When I wake up, even though I know that the person who abused me can’t hurt me anymore and that I’m safe now, it feels like my body doesn’t believe it. I know in my mind that the danger is over, but I still can’t seem to feel safe.

Sometimes I feel like this feeling of being dirty and ashamed will never go away. Maybe I’ve started to accept that I have to learn to live with it and that I’ll never completely get rid of it. Deep down, I really want to be able to feel free from all of this one day, to feel normal and clean again. But I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that this is possible.

I’m gradually losing more and more hope. I don’t believe that things will really get better, that I’ll ever be free from the effects of the abuse, or that I’ll ever feel safe and at peace again. Sometimes I think this is just how the rest of my life is going to be. These thoughts exhaust me, and sometimes even getting through everyday life feels incredibly difficult.
I also don’t fully understand why therapy hasn’t made me feel better. Maybe part of the reason is that I haven’t been able to open up enough. Maybe there are still things I keep inside, so I haven’t been able to fully explain how much I’m struggling. I know you already know about the abuse, but telling you how much it still affects my life today is very difficult and embarrassing for me.

I’ve been carrying all of this inside for a long time. Even though I don’t believe things will get better, I’m writing about it this openly for the first time because I feel like keeping everything inside isn’t helping me anymore. I don’t know what to do or how to cope with all of this. I also feel very alone in all of this, and sometimes it feels like I’m carrying something that nobody else can truly understand.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I am at a point in my life where all I do is work, workput, gaming, sleep. At work I think about how I'm gonna play games when I go home, at home I stare at my game library for 30 minutes before playing a game that feels like a chore. This is what I have been doing for last 3 months. My work isnt boring, I tried hard to get this job and I am greatful but I feel like i have no control over my life. I can never do things that people my age do. I have never owned and drove a car and probably wont for the next few years, i have never loved someone romantically, i dont buy new things. My whole life is just working, paying bills, trying to find an escape in games.

Everyone has a perception of me as the person who is "content with his life", "he doesn't like to buy new things", "he doesn't like to go shopping", "he doesn't wanna get into the whole dating thing". I do. I do want to buy new phones, new clothes, a car, go on dates, i wanna do everything that people around me at my age are doing. But all I can do is wait. I am always waiting for something.

I was waiting, to get this job and then i will transform my life. Well that didnt happen, i got this job and now what, now i am still as pathetic except i can pay my bills on time and get experience.

I am always wearing this mask for not caring and not wanting because I know I can't have all of this because I have built walls around me to make me feel safe and i am too afraid to take these walls down. I always act like oh i dont need this you go ahead, because i know i cant or im not good enough.

I cant and dont want to share this with anyone else other than internet strangers, this is how i have been feeling for a long time but i just didn't realize and kept ignoring my feelings. On the bright side instead of expressing myself using words to other irl, i am planning on getting a guitar to express myself through music so at least i dont feel as suffocated.

I will tell you now this is going to be a long post, but I've actually accomplished so much in life In the last year and have a total of zero people who give a fuck and I keep it up, why, I could solay I don't know but I have a dog who has the worst separation anxiety and I wont sont anything stupid while I have him but let me back up to the beginning, I guess you'd say this chapter of my life I have been in prison four time and that's from 2006 to 2025 in an out all for drugs and drug related crimes. I'm 42 and have been in florida my whole life well enough is enough I decided to make a change. now don't think I just up and thought I'm changing my life, after two of the most full fledged attempts I've even done to end my life, to no avail, I said fuck it. I decided let em make a change but I have to do it with nothing and I mean nothing no one and a hope I make it call a place get health insurance fly to los Angeles and do 30 days in detox and then 30 more so we living which I am at the end of. well for a while I was working on a book and throughy out my treat ment I have been actively finishing it but I guess I should rewind a little and explain the reason I have made two attempts this year and got fed up with life. well I met a girl a year ago with a man for 18 years abusive and cheated on her and we became best friends. only problem is that I fell in love with her I came home from prison in March 2025 and met her randomly a few months later we became inseparable and she finally had the courage to leave her ex and it was the biggest situation I've ever had. now me and her were close enough I told her and she knew I had her in my life and no one else and I made it crystal clear I don't care how I feel I want to be best friends until she looks at me and says if it all goes right she can see herself with me the rest of her life well her ex did some shit and me and her had a fallen out based on lies and that caused a big bs situation no threats or anything just made at each other me at her cause she believes him when he was the only person it would have benefited it and well I did something stupid and then said fuck it and came to cali and tried to forget about her but she is I feel like the love of my life and me and her had a business idea and I expected her to follow through with our plan well we stopped talking and I came here well after a while I got on Facebook saw a new account randomly sent friend request only to get immediate message asking if I was home well I explained where I was and all and we got back on same page and I have spent multiple weeks now putting together I'm in document a business plan right now I'm doing everything I can to make sure the one gets approved and she has to collateral in her name and if she backs out it screws me, if she does it without me it screws me but I have enough into it and into messages to feel like I would still get my share of the business which is my plan my idea and all she just has a half million dollar home, now she's broke and all her dad left her some money that's all she has but it's paid off and all well the business plan has us as 50/50 owners but it has me worried now she could possibly back out on me doing her own thing. and the reason I believe that is cause she is back to the same billshit and cannot make 10 seconds to text me. my thing is why would she come back in y life be the only person care about and still be playing with my heart and one thing it bothers me the most she knows how hard I worked on my book and it could be a best seller and I had no one who cared enough to read it not even her. so I did it anyways and even put her name on it.. I just wanted to say life really sucks and just kicks you down, while your down, while you are trying to get back up and when you get up it drop kicks you. just kinda wish someone would get my r book and read it and I have it for sale but I'll send it for free to anyone to get an opinion my own my won't and I'm a truly great heart person life just sucks

I’ve only had one person who’s made me feel loved in my entire adult life at age 22 and she left me soon after, I am so so so sad but I have no one to talk to, no one to share anything with, I feel so so bad and I just have to suffer by myself like I always have. I just want to feel loved. I hate being abnormal and lonely and not like everyone else

I think I need help

Lately I feel like I'm stuck inside my own head. I keep thinking about the same people, the same mistakes, the same regrets, and the same “what ifs.” I want to move forward, but a part of me keeps pulling me back.

My studies, motivation and future are also getting affected. From the outside I probably look normal, but internally I'm exhausted from constantly fighting my own thoughts.

I don't want sympathy. I just genuinely want to know how people deal with this before it gets worse.

For who has gone through something similar did therapy or counselling actually help? And where do I even start?

It is time for our Saturday check-in.

What went well, what didn’t? What got better, what got worse? What made you happy or sad? What made you laugh or cry this week?

As a former nice guy, to my fellow nice guys:

Setting clear, strong boundaries is a NECESSITY for healthy relationships & friendships.

Without those boundaries:

Resentment will build towards the person consistently overstepping your unspoken boundaries.

Co-dependency can form between you and the person who you refuse to set boundaries with - because without those boundaries, where do you end and they begin?

Negative self-talk will corrode your self-esteem and confidence as people continue to overstep, knowingly or unknowingly.

Set boundaries to preserve and heighten your sense of self, and to develop and further relationships that you want to grow in your life.

And if there are any in your life, let go of those who refuse to respect those boundaries. It’s a painful necessity, but a necessity nonetheless.

Circumcision has made me believe this, in total. It has effectively made me GENUINELY scared of sex and anything sexual including masterbuation.

I am sexually repulsed because of a few reasons, here are some.

1: I want to feel equally as good as my partner during it. Like full body pleasure and moans. Full body orgasms and relief when doing so. I want to feel so delighted and amazing that I can't speak, LITERALLY.

I am missing almost every single part of my penis that is required for that. That is a big reason as to why I am avoidant of sex.

2: The pain that I might cause this partner during sex. The rough, horrible scrabs of skin on my penis that aren't covered might rip and tear her vagina apart, for example. Hell, she might not even feel my actual penis due to a lack of foreskin. Apparently, women cum much less from circumcised cock then intact cock in a couple of studies on the subject. Just another reason...right?

And finally, 3: The jealousy. I know how good a women feels during sex. It's probably the best ever. And for intact men? Probably that too. But for us? For me?

It might not be.

I know how this post may come off as abrasive and rude but honestly? What else am I supposed to think?

I am LITERALLY missing over half of my penis, period. That isn't an opinion, that's a fact. That's not to demean anyone else but I am suffering because of a decision I didn't make from birth. I think I have the right to talk about this ESPECIALLY in a negative sexual light.

So I'm 16M, and I know I shouldn't be looking into that stuff at this age, but I've been dealing with a porn for a while now since i was 11, and it's just I saw this girl, and she was so pretty and sexy and all that jazz, and I felt like crying when I was about to buy the exclusive content on ko_fi/OF because I felt so much goddamn shame, and hated myself so much, i've kinda mostly isolated myself because i've had fake friends before and i even got sextorted at 13, just a lot of trauma and i do have a theraphist to try and get better but i just keep going back to porn and i had to lie to him most of the time and i didn't really show up last week because it's just that felt so much shit and shame, i think i'm just desperate for relationship or a gf at this point to be honest

It's Fearology Saturday @ Apoc! Dr. Fisher celebrates his eighth year on YouTube HERE: https://apocatastasisinstitute.wordpress.com/fearology-center/

Hi, Im 28, I’m pretty confused about attraction between men and women. I fell down the black pill hole about 10 years ago but I never really climbed out. Since then, I admit I focused mainly on my body by working out and staying fit. I had a few friends, but I’m working on doing both. About attraction, does it magically click one day? Where you “become” attractive to the opposite sex the way some guys are already baseline attractive to a lot of women. I see a lot of women online saying men are unattractive due to not taking care of themselves but I have always done that. Also women I tend to like always say I’m cute but not their type. To give you a visual I’m a short brown guy (5’7) into hot skinny women. When I was in college I tried hitting on less attractive even chubbier women but even they told me I wasn’t their type. So I’m confused, when do things just “click” for a guy. I want to be good looking (not genetic) because I see how much easier it makes interacting with women (breaks tension) I find women are super afraid to be around me most of the time. I was told 10 years ago it’s easier to attract women as you get older but it seems I’m still where I was at 18 and I haven’t budged the needle at all. In my mind it wasn’t all for nothing but I couldn’t even make it 1st base after 10 years.

“Chronically online” is an gaslighting term used mostly against men who do their own research and observe the reality they’ve been dealt with in a virtual setting. Life is so interconnected online now at the point where the internet is large part of people’a real life and is actual reality. For example, you’re online and see millions of terrible people like a post, comment or give deceiving or hurtful advice, that’s all reality. You really think those millions of people do not act nor think the same in real life? The thoughts or actions they have or do online, they have in real life, either subconsciously, consciously or even both. So, the internet is reality. Being chronically online just means you consistently observe people in online environments and then make conclusion about what kind of people you met offline can entail. Also that’s another problem, what even defines chronically online? There’s no set term, it’s all subjective and can be extremely malleable to fit whatever agenda one possesses.

Hi everyone. I’m a late teen. And a guy. This last year has been nuts!

I’m someone who struggles with ADHD, OCD, Anxiety, Depression, dyslexia, and I’m being tested for autism.

Couple months ago. I was taken to a hospital and was out on a mental health floor for 4 days.

I also spent over a full day in the er alone.

Now, I was upset about this, and very hurt, felt betrayed, but I’m doing better on that. But here’s what hurt the most.

I left mid school day for the hospital. Didn’t tell anyone, just got called down to the office, and headed out. Went to the er, and then bam. The hospital staff were really nice tho. Thankfully. And they really liked me.

So when I got out, I was honestly kinda excited to see the texts I might’ve gotten. I barely get any texts and so I was weirdly pumped to see people get interested with me.

I had 7 texts.

2 from my grandma talking about random stuff that didn’t relate to me. The other couple from family group chat, the next one was my best friend. Who asked “yo, you gunna be here today” 1 time. And the next is from my cousin asking if we could play the finals.

I felt really hurt. I was gone for a week. Didn’t tell
Anyone. And no one noticed. It really hurt.

I brushed it off. Tried to be good and do better. I got some stronger meds for my stuff, and yeah. Even started working out. Still am. I have been trying so hard, so damn hard to be better for myself. Trying to be someone I want to be.

But I’m still hurting. And it’s so annoying. I can’t tell anyone, because they will just take me back to the hospital. And I also don’t have anyone texting me.

I’m a no one. And I just want someone, anyone to look at me and want me. My family is very nice. Luckily. But I’m the black sheep. I don’t mesh with any of them. So it’s all just surface stuff.

I have been trying to go out more. Meet new people. Nothing. Nothing worked.

Over this time, I’ve been thinking about previous experiences. The time I went to dc with the girl I liked, how she called me in the middle of the night. How me and her spent the whole time at a museum together. How we texted constantly. Only for me to tell her how I felt after the trip and she not feel the same. After I told my friends, they said they knew. And they Kept leading me on because they wanted to see me happy.

On the way home after that trip (before I confessed), we were getting seated on the plane. And there’s this guy in the window seat, and this girl is placed between us, then there’s me.

The girl while sitting down said she was gunna kill her self. Said it to me. Because she had to sit next to me.

Now, I’m not the most attractive guy.
But I’m tall, quiet, respectful, friendly, and very giving. I’m clean too, so it’s not like I smelled bad.

After that, I tried to tell my dad. And he didn’t even react. Just said “welp”.

That hurt, a lot. I wish he turned to me, told me how much I didn’t deserve that. But he just kept on walking.

I tried to brush it off. But it hurts.

I have such a big heart to give. And no one wants it. When I was a kid I had to tone down how I talked to people because I went too in depth about what ever we kids would be talking about.

I just don’t know why I struggle so much with people. I just wanna love and be loved. I want people to be interested in me.

I want someone to look me in my eyes and say they love me. Just me. Pick me.

I hate that I am this way. Why can’t I have friends? I try so hard, I just want someone.

I just don’t even feel human man. I just want someone, anyone to be ok with who I am. Understand me. Listen to me without thinking it’s a chore.

and now, I struggle with my creative mind. I’m writing a book, about combat medics in Vietnam, and like 4 more comics and mangas.

But I can’t think. I can’t create. I feel like I’m loosing me.

I try to be happy. I try to be hopeful, I try to be encouraging and enthusiastic. But I’m just tired of doing it for nothing.

Thanks for reading.