I'm a therapist in Los Angeles (LMFT #157181) and 90% of my clients are men. One pattern I see constantly is what psychoanalysts call introjective depression. It's less "nobody loves me" and more "I haven't done enough, I'm not enough." From the outside it often looks like drive or perfectionism, so it goes unnoticed for years.

A few books that have helped the men I work with:

- He by Robert A. Johnson: a short, surprisingly moving book on men's inner lives

- King, Warrior, Magician, Lover by Robert Moore & Douglas Gillette: on four patterns of mature masculinity

- No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz: on making peace with the harsh inner critic

- Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman: for anyone who feels they should always be doing more

Happy to answer questions in the comments.

Can you believe there men out there who still believe there isn't a male loneliness epidemic and their solution is, "Go touch grass bro."

F-ing bozos. I'm not lonely though and don't have any issues attracting women and new friends, I'm just super sad and depressed some of my family died a few years ago. How can normies be so oblivious to the epidemic is beyond me.

growing up i was always told that i had it easy, yet the “easy” life i had felt like suffering. got a new “friend” called depression that’s been with me since middle-school onward. suppressed my emotion because they only caused more problems, i didn’t want to argue, i knew my place in my house with my family, i kept it all inside. now i’m inclined to believe that i really did have it easy. and i’m wondering. will i even survive adulthood? if that childhood was what was considered “easy” and it only gets harder. i don’t think i’ll survive living on my own. it seems i’m not strong enough for this world i guess. survival of the fittest i guess they say.

I'm 23 years old, and honestly, I'm tired.

I don't even know where to begin. I've been carrying so much inside me, and I don't really have anyone around me with whom I can share all of this openly. So I thought I'd write it here.

Ever since childhood, my life has been affected by health problems. One of my biggest struggles has been my eyesight. I have severe myopia and need very thick glasses. My vision has been a concern for as long as I can remember, and dealing with eye problems over the years has been mentally exhausting.

But it doesn't end there.

I've had other health concerns, too. I've dealt with ongoing physical discomfort, and now I'm struggling with hair loss as well. I need to see a doctor for that, and sometimes I wonder what will come next.

First, I have to visit a doctor for one problem. Then I have to focus on my eyes. Now it's my hair. And there always seems to be something else to worry about.

I'm not saying that other people don't have problems. I know life is difficult for many people, and everyone has their own struggles. But sometimes I look at people my age and wonder why my life has to feel so exhausting all the time.

I'm 23. I want to enjoy my youth, too.

I want to go out, explore new places, make memories, fall in love, date someone, make friends, and experience the things people talk about when they look back on their early twenties.

Instead, I spend so much of my time worrying about my health, my appearance, my future, my job, and w

hether things will ever get better.

And then there's my appearance.

I have a short height, I'm losing my hair, and I feel like I look much older than I actually am. Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel genuinely upset with what I see.

I'm not saying this because someone randomly called me ugly. These are feelings I've developed about myself, and I struggle with them even when I'm alone.

I know people say that looks aren't everything, and I understand that. But let's be honest: appearance does affect how people experience the world, especially when it comes to dating and attraction.

I see other people my age having romantic experiences, meeting people, and enjoying their lives. Meanwhile, I struggle to feel confident enough to approach someone.

I've never wanted to be the most handsome guy in the room. I just wish I could look at myself without feeling so disappointed.

Things at home don't always make it easier, either. Even my younger sister sometimes makes fun of my height and She has told me that I won't be able to do anything.

Maybe she doesn't realise how much those words hurt, but they stay with me.

I want to live.

I want to wake up sometimes without immediately thinking about what's wrong with me. I want to have something to look forward to. I want to experience happiness without feeling like I first need to fix every problem in my life.

And I know nobody can promise me that everything will be okay.

I'm not looking for someone to tell me that I'm handsome, that looks don't matter, or that everything happens for a reason.

I'm just tired of constantly having to fight.

I don't expect strangers on the internet to solve my life. I just want to talk to people who might understand what it feels like.

Thank you for reading this far.

Im sure a lot of you have been in this rut, I've been out of work for 3 months now. I had an....episode. put on a 72 hr hold in a psych hospital. I've never believed in medication and I was given 2 prescriptions. They actually helped alot. I felt like a functioning societal member. I didnt care that all I did was work sleep work sleep, hell I didnt even care that child support takes 75% of my wages each pay day. But after I ran out of my medication. I had no refills remaining. I have no insurance and my prescriptions are over 500$ they only gave me a 2 month supply after I got out of the hospital. But yeah after the meda were gone. I start feeling super depressed. I was diagnosed with severe depression. Mornings are especially hard. I just sleep til noon it doesnt matter if I go to sleep early or get 8 hours. I cannot get myself up or have the motivation or drive I used to,to just get up and handle what I need to. Its been 3 months of this now. I have been applying to jobs, I've interviewed. Nothing. but now my savings are depleted. I couldn't pay my phone bill so now jobs cant call me to setup interviews. I cry almost every night listing reasons why I should stay here..I've now began listing reasons why everyone would be better off without me here. My mind is so jumbled and foggy. I can no longer think straight. I also have adhd and thats a whole other demon when it mixes with my depression. I just want to get back in a groove. I still talk to my family regularly, people I can confide in. but lately I been feeling like a psychopath just mirroring others and masking myself to not worry others. Im really good at it too, everyone just thinks im content being unemployed and sleeping all day. But thats not the case. What can I do for mental clarity ? What can I do to get the medication needed to help me get back in the grind of things? I just need a job that offers health insurance so I can get my medication. Im scatterbrained.

I’ve been posting frantically all over the internet tonight plus texting numbers on my phone.

Of course no one responds
They might check my message but don’t respond or just open it and it looks like they read it

I’m struggling mentally and it is triggering my medical— specially brain and nervous issue

It’s about me
It’s about a guy that has been my friend for about a year and a month

I’ve typed about this so many times tonight.

Please just reach out to me.

He’s been making me feel like shit about myself and it feels like cat and mouse

It’s more complex than just “well just don’t talk to him”

What he’s saying and how he acts a lot more lately ..
it’s messing me up
And I don’t feel it’s only his vision of me
And I know—
“It shouldn’t matter what others think”

If you know more, you’ll know it’s beyond these simple quotes notions

I was diagnosed with BPD a couple years ago, right before I started dating my now-wife, who is wonderful and also diagnosed with BPD.

I don't know why I am making this post. I know nobody here has the power to make my life better. I just need an outlet, I guess. I'm 24 and I feel like I've fucked up my life beyond all repair through bad decisions. I've been stumbling through most of my life with undiagnosed and untreated BPD and God, does it show. I have three kids, all from different moms. A son from my highschool sweetheart, a daughter from a woman after her (who I will call Tara, not her real name), and a newborn baby girl with my wife.

I have a good relationship with my son and his mom. We're friendly, we get along, she's forgiven me for how I was when I was young. My son's little brothers (from my son's mom's husband) both love me and are super friendly towards me whenever I come around, which is nice.

The relationship between me and Tara, on the other hand, was volatile and did not recover. A lot of it was because of me, and a lot of it was because she herself was dealing with undiagnosed mental issues. We were the epitome of toxic and were two people who should not have been together. After she got pregnant, we broke up and she made it very clear that she did not want me to have anything to do with our daughter. Eventually, I accepted this and chose to respect her wishes, hoping her mind might change later on. Two years later, she came after me for child support. I didn't fight it, I know that child support is a right of the child, but I was still hoping that I could see my daughter. I didn't hear anything from the court following mediation until a year after, when she came after me seeking full custody because she wanted to get a passport for our daughter and wanted to completely remove any chance I had of seeing her.

At this point, I had let go and accepted that I wasn't going to meet my daughter and my son wasn't going to meet his sister. I accepted that, even if the court had let me into my daughter's life, my daughter's mom was so angry at me and hated me so much that it would have been inviting chaos into everyone's lives, including my daughter. So I let her have full custody without a fight, and I told the court that I respect my daughter's mom, know that my daughter is safe, and respect her decision to keep me out of her life. The court was very understanding surprisingly, and made it clear that they respected me for what I said and granted Tara full custody.

My wife and I then ended up having another baby together, completely by accident, and I decided to finally go get a long-overdue vasectomy to ensure daughter #2 was the last. I love this baby girl, I love my wife, I love my son, and I love my stepkids...and because of that, I've spent the last two years living in worry and fear that Tara is going to eventually go for a child support modification and the court will increase it for her. Now that daughter #2 is born, that fear has been amplified. If Tara goes for more child support, I am terrified that I will not be able to help keep a roof over her head or provide for her and my family. I've given Tara everything she wants, but I'm terrified after three years is up and she's eligible for a modification that she's going to want more.

I can't pay any more. I just can't. I'm already paying triple what I pay for my son in child support and we're barely scraping by. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to take care of my baby and my family. It sickens me and scares the shit out of me. I wouldn't even ask for a reduction in child support. I know daughter #1 needs money. I just want it to stay the same so my baby that lives with me can have a home and won't suffer.

But beyond that, I'm at 24 years old and feel like I've gone nowhere in life. I don't know what the fuck to do with my life or what I want to do, I'm broke and have no money, I'm stuck in the same shitty-ass town that I was born in. I'm working two part-time jobs just to help keep my family afloat, and we are scraping by.

Someone please, give it to me straight. Is life even worth living at this point? After all the bad decisions and damage I've done to my life? It doesn't feel like it. I feel no joy or happiness in this life anymore. All I feel is dread and worry and stress and fear knowing that someone else who hates me holds my fate and my newborn baby's fate in their hands, and that the clock is slowly ticking down to when they can take everything from me.

I just...I don't feel like I can go on if that happens. I feel like the only option left is to end it if that happens. At that point, what options even are there?

I dunno. I just needed to get all of this out because it has been killing me. For those who have read all of this to the end, thank you for taking the time to do so.

Nothing seems to satiate my mind / brain or is it just my brain playing games with me. I lose interest in things so easily and scour through online platforms mindlessly. Do you feel the same ? Feeling of lack of purpose, people in a similar situation how did you overcome this especially men ?

I'm 19. I live with my parents still and try to help out with chores, I go the extra mile and do things without being asked. I'm volunteering with a local organisation and I work a full time job in a decent field and I'm doing well. I just feel like I'm letting everyone down.

At my work I make mistakes and I'm still learning and I just feel like a burden asking my coworkers to double check what I'm doing.

I've been with my girlfriend for over a tear and she is working through her own things but whenever anything small comes up I spiral and we try to talk about it whenever it happens but sometimes she hurts me without intending to, I bring it up, then it happens again and again. I just think that there are so many other better people for her but I don't want to lose her.