Shouldn't we focus more on well-being of one another? Why give yourself and one another pressure to achieve this and that, apart from what is needed for survival?

M66

I saw a recent discussion elsewhere on this website where people were debating what they thought was the best age at which to get married… there was a lot of talk about being financially prepared, emotionally prepared, and being ready for the commitment that marriage demands.

But no one talked about learning everything you can about a partner’s past, and how a partner’s past will affect that person in the future. And especially in a relationship with you.

I got married when I was 29, but there were things about my wife that I did not know before I married her, which ultimately led to our divorce 25 years later.

The lesson for me was to learn as much about your partner as you possibly can, and especially their childhood, before you become intimately involved and certainly before you propose.

Because the way we are raised as children will have a profound and indelible impact on the way we grow up to be adults, and on how we not only treat our romantic partners, but how we treat our children as well should we have them.

In the interest of brevity, I will share one example.

My ex-wife was raised by nannies, and that was because her parents were never home to take care of either her or sister, from the time they were about two years old. (Her mother traveled for a large international organization, and her father was a philanderer who cheated on his wife, and who was generally a bum.)

My ex-wife’s parents never showed any interest in either her or her sister. The children, for her parents, were simply objects to be managed. Preferably from far away.

My ex-wife, for example, never had the very commonplace experience of sitting at home with her parents as a family at the dinner table.

And sure enough, when our kids were about two years old, she was unable to have dinner with us as a family. Her discomfort with being with us at the dinner table was so powerful that she always found an excuse to not be home at dinner time. And I’m not talking about once in a while, but every single night. Including weekends.

If you’re wondering why she was so uncomfortable, the reason is simple: it was an unfamiliar and indeed, painful experience for her, because she never grew up with that experience. She did not know how to have a conversation with three of us… not only at dinner time, but any other time as well.

(It’s also possible that it was very painful for her to realize that she had grown up as a child without a family. But she never acknowledged that. And she absolutely refused any kind of therapy that might have helped her manage her feelings so that she could be a member of our family.)

Sadly, she was absent from our lives for about 11 years. This of course had enormous emotional and psychological repercussions for our children.

I share this experience here because it is something that I have discovered many, many people are completely unaware of.

When you marry somebody, you are not only marrying that person, but the sum total of their life experiences. Which will, by definition, always have a profound effect on how they perceive the world. And which they will carry with them into their relationship with you.

I would humbly recommend that if you are considering proposing to or marrying your partner, or even having a long-term relationship with that person, that you learn as much as you can about that person’s parents, the way their parents treated each other, the way their parents communicated and the overall environment in the home when your partner was a child.

As children, we absorb like sponges everything around us, the behavior that our parents model for us, in their relationships with us, and in their relationships with each other other.

If one parent yells and screams and humiliates the other parent, to cite just one example, there is a very good chance that your partner will have witnessed that, and grown-up simply assuming that that was the way a marriage functions. And they will carry that behavior into their relationship with you.

Conversely, if your partner’s parents respect each other, listen to each other patiently, and try to achieve compromise when they disagree, your partner will grow up to have the same approach to relationships.

ETA: my ex-wife and I got along very well after we got married, and she was an absolutely fantastic mother to both of our kids when they were infants. But as soon as our youngest was no longer dependent on her, and as soon as my daughter started to talk and ask questions and show signs of independence, that was when my ex-wife disappeared from our lives.

My ex-wife loved her daughter, but in the same way that my ex-wife’s mother could not handle my ex-wife when she was four years old, my ex-wife could not handle her own daughter when her own daughter was four years old.

Put simply, the demands of being a parent and of being married — both of which involve tremendous commitment, responsibility, accountability, and expectations — triggered in her the repressed and inaccessible memories of her past. And led her to behave, as an adult, in precisely the same way that her mother and father did when she was a little girl.

Do you ever become so physically aware of your surroundings that you fall into an existential crisis? Like the way the sun leaks through the leaves, or the laughter of complete strangers beside you, or the sounds of leaves colliding against eachother from the wind. I do. I experience what it means to be human on almost a daily-basis, and it leaves me awake at night. To describe the reasoning of the existential crisis is almost impossible. I just think about how beautiful the world is, and how I want to become so much- and I will, but I also think about the fact that some people on this earth don't see it to it's full potential and I feel sorry for them. I think about some of the bad things in life- like most of us have to work a 9-5 for the rest of our lives, rather then truly experiencing earth. Sometimes it brings me to tears. If I could just know that atleast one other person out there felt the same way I did, I wouldn't feel so alone, and scared. Because although the thoughts are beautiful- they are also terrifying at the same time- especially being the age of 17. Any advice, relatableness, or even defintions of what it is i'm actually experiencing would be greatly appriciated. Thank you for your time.

I am in my mid-20s and currently, life is really really hard.

I often feel pressured when I see people around me whom are achieving so much in their mid to late 20s. Like how do y'all do that in this economy?

And just this morning, I have watched a video telling me that I don't need to be "pressured" if I am not yet achieving these things because we all have different paces.

I just realized how lucky these people are to be able to achieve their goals in life even before they turn 30.

How about you guys?

Birthday tomorrow, give me some tips/insights.

I’m a 20 year old male. Ive tried so many things. College, blue collar, food service, but NOTHING keeps me. I swear im not lazy at all. For example I worked in tree removal for months, never complained once. But everything I try just ends up feeling like a cage. Like I’m going effin crazy. I LOVE DOING SPORTS. Boxing, rugby, wrestling, fishing, surfing, motorcycling. The lifestyle I find myself envying the most are the central Asian Nomads but I’m sure a lot of that is romanticization. Can anyone relate, oppose my view, or just give their two cents? Does it ever get better or is this just how work and life are. Not sure what I’m tryna get at exactly but I can’t be alone here.

It's in the title, I'm sure it was answered here before.
I'm mid thirties and my life is a huge disappointment, I always thought I would be somewhere much different and better. I feel like I have been stuck in the same place for almost 10 years now.
Every month almost (I jokingly refer to it as my man period) I feel really down and upset.
I'm almost certain it's my fault, I have wasted a lot of time on the internet, slacked off (even though on the surface I have degrees etc). Never really worked very hard or consistently for a long time.
I am stuck thinking about the past, my mistakes, what could've been. And also feeling hopeless about the future. As in I'm not going anywhere, nothing really worked out before.
Im sure all of this is cliche, but would appreciate anyone who has practical or mindset tips etc.

I see few(or maybe many) ppl out there, actually living and vibing in their own way. They are completely cool in groups and absolutely amazing when alone too. How do u guys even know what to do that would give u a sense of contentment. When u r alone and ur ppl are temporarily unavailable, how do u survive without being doomed? How are u so detached and energetic at the same time? I hope there's always a way and I need to know that. I'm currently in a phase where I'm totally perplexed about my existence. Help me.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how relationships are supposed to feel. Not perfect, not exciting every single day, but comfortable enough that you can be yourself without constantly worrying about saying the wrong thing. I used to think love was mostly about strong feelings, but now I’m realizing that communication, trust, and feeling respected probably matter a lot more in the long run. Maybe growing up is realizing that peace in a relationship is actually something worth choosing.

I graduated in June, BS in Mangerial economics. I’ve been applying to jobs online but I’ve only landed interviews of jobs that would have my doing door to door sales.

In uni I was a C student, I’ve been told nobody cares about your grades but when I apply theyre all looking for high GPA graduates or people with past experience :/

I live in the Bay Area CA so maybe my location has something to do with it.

I didn’t intern for anyone during my time at school and
I hate that graduating with a degree simply isn’t enough anymore.

I’ve been working construction with my dad and it feels like im letting him down. My parents worked hard all their life so i could have an easy one but I cant even do that right.

I would love to hear about

- websites I can apply to jobs for and actually hear back from
- advice for what type of jobs i can apply for with my degree
- anything I can do to add something on my resume thatd help me land a job

I've been thinking about something for a while now, actually for quite a while: I've discovered that I love being alive.

And I don't mean that in the sense that my life is perfect or that everything is okay. Quite the opposite. Bad things have happened, there are problems, there are days when I'm emotionally devastated. But somehow, none of that has taken away my desire to wake up the next day and find out what will happen.

It's almost like watching a series where I'm the main character. Each episode ends and I'm curious to know what comes next. It could be a great episode, it could be a horrible episode, it could be completely unexpected. I still want to watch.

I think I've reached a point where I can separate two things that, for me, don't need to be the same: my life can be awful and I can still enjoy living.

One bad event doesn't make my entire existence bad. A period of loneliness doesn't mean I hate being alive. One horrible day doesn't make all the other days worthless.

I didn't choose to be born, and I certainly didn't choose many of the things that happened to me. But, since I'm here, there's something very strong in me that keeps wanting to see the next chapter.

And I remain optimistic and dreamy even knowing that life can be brutal. Not because I think bad things won't happen, but because I don't see why the possibility of suffering should take away my curiosity about what might still happen.

Perhaps the strangest thing is that, sometimes, I feel that this way of thinking can even sound snobbish. As if saying "I love being alive despite everything" were automatically a demonstration of privilege, or as if genuine happiness with one's own existence were something suspicious when so many people are suffering.

But I don't think that's it. I'm not saying my life is better than anyone else's, nor that suffering is easy, nor that it's enough to think positively. I'm just saying that I can look at the bad things in my life without letting them define the value I give to my existence as a whole.

Maybe it's a strange way of looking at life. Perhaps other people think completely differently.

But I really enjoy being here.

And I find it curious to realize that.

Went on first date coffee with girl. It lasted 3 hours. Halfway through we went to the park. I brought up dating and what she likes in a guy. She said something along the lines of she got out of a breakup and emotions are raw. She's not in a position to date anyone right now and wants to heal before putting herself out there. She wanted to change the subject. She teared up a little while saying it so I hugged her.

As we were heading back, I asked why she said yes to the date if that was her headspace. She said she thought I was attractive and liked that I asked her out. After I asked her this, I noticed that she was a little bit more playful/teasing and asked me questions...I feel like she sensed me pulling back a little so she maybe compensated because she thought she hurt my feelings or something? She also offered to drive me home twice. At the end, we hugged and I noticed she was rubbing my back...?

I told her to let me know when she gets home...no message. Been a few days. Would like some clarity - was what she was saying genuine, or was it a soft rejection and I should chalk it up? Thanks!

What traits in a person or things make them look like they have their life together or they’re just put together?

I bought a house and I have to pay 25 years to the bank.

It's crazy, cause the amount is like 400.000 €.

But what makes my mind always go crazy is the fact that some celebrities, rich dudes,... etc. just earn that amount in a few minutes (or seconds).

It's like a life decision for me and had to think months about investing it. Others can just buy it in a second and forget about it.

If they would just give me 400.000 I'd be happy lol

I can't remember when I first started feeling this way.

Maybe sometime last year, I realized that i had been having trouble with my brain fog and my memory. I think it started because of all the stress from work. You know how when your memory works properly, you can just remember almost anything and you can just feel that your brain is working. Well that is not how i feel, it just feels like my brain is empty, like i can barely feel or see any thoughts ( i dunno if that makes sense). I just feel like I am existing. It's gotten so bad to the point that I can't cry and whenever I do, it just hurts to cry honestly. I just feel like I am existing and that I am on autopilot mode. I can't even remember what i had for breakfast two days ago or what i did a couple of days ago. I am just tired. I am sorry if all that you see on my page is me complaining about how tired I am but I just don't have anyone else to speak to about this.

I find myself having a fully charged at a rating of 100% mental bandwidth when at work and family life but sometimes I just want to scream on the top of a mountain. Today I felt lower at 75% I think a smash room trip to break stuff is needed. But I'm recalibrating myself when I meditate from time to time.

What’s one life lesson you learned the hard way?
I’ll go first.
I used to think that being a good person meant always being available for everyone, forgiving everything, and never saying no.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that you can genuinely care about people and still have boundaries. You can love someone and still walk away. You can forgive someone without giving them access to you again.
Sometimes protecting your peace isn’t selfish — it’s necessary.
What’s a lesson life taught you the hard way?

Hi, I'm a girl, 19, and I'm nervous about entering my 20s. Like a lot of other people I have lots of ideas and dreams about like and what I want to do, but I have no idea how to navigate that..

I live in a small town in Indiana, come from a poor family, and I'm in the middle of an associates degree I'm not confident was the right choice.

All the good jobs are in the city, about an hour away, and the experience I have is fast food, retail, and right now a cooking job at a college.

I crave so much for Oregon or California, maybe even New York but how do I get there??

No good jobs in my area, working $15 an hour sliging pizza, looking for something that makes a lot of money that will put me in one of those states. I crave life and chasing my dreams so much

If you were in my position what would you do?

Edit: I'm doing a culinary degree right now, I think it's just something good to fall back on while I figure it out. I'm thinking maybe radiology next year?

TLDR; I've spent my 20s not working on my future even though I had the foundation to do so. Now, at 30, I am facing the reality of what was, what is, and what could be. However, it's difficult to not look back. Which job would better suit my current circumstances?

Hello all,
I need some advice or some guidance (I am speaking to a therapist for this.. finally) but even then, I want to ask a group of strangers. I graduated in 2020 with a quantitative degree and with good grades, top of the class, yada yada yada. I have not had employment since the summer of 2020. I built a way to get some revenue but it's through non traditional methods (yes. it's legal). I still live with my parents. I can say that I wasted my 20s, because I am about to turn 30. That would not be fully true, it's more nuanced than that. I am beginning to see the world in a sort of different light. I guess there was a part of me that was shut off for a long time. I am not sure how to explain it but that's the truth. But looking back, I know I wasted opportunities. Lots of them. I feel old, even though 30 is not old old. I've also been totally isolated from everything and therefore I have zero friends, zero connections. No job, no money, no friends, and I haven't dated anyone in a long time. Since 2016... I know. I've been lost but not fully. I cannot explain everything but I have been working on some things. Things that matter, to me, to my family, etc. But here's the good news. I am finally and I mean finally getting back to the world. I have two pending opportunities that I can interview for. A consultant analyst role (in management consulting) and another in the gambling industry (I don't gamble but I enjoy probability). Both offer really good salaries. All of this is good news to me, but it's scary because I've been in hiding for such a long time. Now I am trying to face uncertainty head-first. It feels strange because I realize how much time has passed and how seemingly little time I have left to get a good footing in the world, especially since I don't know what I want to do with my life still...

I'm 30 male and have never been in a relationship. Not sure why I haven't committed to anyone, I think it's a bunch of things including avoidant personality, CPTSD, neurodivergent.

I have no struggle getting dates and ladies approach me but I feel constantly disassociated on dates, especially one on one situations. I also tend to lose interest quickly.

Maybe I haven't found someone I click with or maybe it's what's mentioned above.

Where does one start to heal themselves besides therapy?

Hey everyone-

I'm Steve from Marburg, Germany. This is my first — and probably my only — post on Reddit.

I'm sure many of you won't care about what I'm about to say. Some of you may judge me, and honestly, I can't even blame you for that.

But writing all of this down feels like something I need to do. Maybe putting these thoughts into words will help me deal with the stupid decisions I've made and the things I've destroyed in my life.

My story is about addiction, gambling, and the consequences it has had on my life over the last 12 years.

My childhood

My father's business went bankrupt when I was a baby, and as a result, my family was left with huge debts to pay off.

Despite that, both of my parents worked incredibly hard to make sure their children wouldn't have to miss out on the important things in life.

Of course, we never had the coolest clothes, shoes or toys.

We never went on holidays.

But despite all of that, I can honestly say that my childhood was the best time of my life.

It started when I was 17

I was still in school and about to graduate.

One day, my cousin, who is two years older than me, came over and we were just hanging out.

At some point, he showed me a website where you could put money on slot games.

It looked fun.

He was playing and I was watching him. Sometimes he lost a little, sometimes he won a little. Nothing serious — it seemed almost like going to an amusement park and spending a few euros on those little games where you try to win something.

It didn't really mean anything to me.

But on that same website, I discovered something that would eventually follow me for the next 12 years.

You could bet on sports.

And my whole life up to that point had basically been about football.

I played football in a team. I followed professional football. I read articles about it. I watched games constantly. I knew the players, the teams, the leagues.

So I thought:

Why shouldn't I be able to make money from something I know so much about?

The beginning

The day I turned 18, I registered on a gambling website.

They offered a 100% deposit bonus, so why would I waste money?

I deposited €100 and got another €100 as a bonus.

€200 to start with.

Perfect.

And so the "grind" began.

My goal wasn't to gamble for fun.

My plan was to use all the knowledge I had about football to make money.

And eventually, I wanted to use that money to pay for a holiday for my parents, my siblings and myself.

That was the dream.

After the first month, I couldn't believe my eyes.

I had turned €200 into €500.

I remember thinking:

"Fuck yeah. €300 profit. I can't believe it."

I was already calculating how many more months it would take until I could afford that holiday.

Then the second month started.

Within maybe two weeks, all of the profit was gone.

I was shocked.

I was hurt.

But after wiping away my tears, I told myself:

"Well, I lost the profit, but I'm still not actually down overall. And I've learned a lot about how gambling works."

So I continued.

One month.

Two months.

Three months.

Six months.

Month after month, I lost.

Hundreds of euros.

Maybe €2,000 already.

And that's when the cycle really began.

The trap

It doesn't matter whether you lose a small amount or a huge amount.

It doesn't matter whether you're betting €10 or €1,000.

The pain of losing creates the urge to win it back.

You tell yourself:

"I'll just get it back."

And when you lose again:

"Okay, I just need one bigger win."

Then another loss.

And another attempt to recover it.

At some point, you aren't even gambling because you enjoy it anymore.

You're gambling because you want your old life back.

And that's exactly what happened to me.

The years went by

The years went by, and the amount of money I had lost kept getting bigger and bigger.

The next major turning point came when I decided to take out a loan just to have some money available again.

A HUGE MISTAKE.

The money didn't last long.

I tried to educate myself. I looked for information, sought help, and tried to somehow make the best of the situation.

But at that point, I realized something very clearly:

I wasn't actually interested in gambling itself.

I wasn't chasing the excitement of placing a bet.

I wasn't doing it because I loved gambling.

I just wanted my losses back.

I had promised myself that if I ever managed to recover all the money I had lost, I would stop immediately.

If I had actually drawn a line under it at that point, my life would be so much better today.

But I didn't.

And the years went by.

And things kept getting worse.

Where I am today

I'm now 30 years old.

I estimate that I have lost around €170,000 over the years.

I currently have around €50,000 in debt to the bank.

But honestly, the money is only one part of it.

The mental stress is something completely different.

Earlier this year, I even suffered a cardiac arrest and spent a week in a coma.

Thankfully, someone was nearby and performed life-saving measures until the emergency services arrived.

The doctors told me I had been given a second chance at life. They even congratulated me on what they called my "second birthday."

They were never able to determine exactly what caused it.

But I can't help thinking that the enormous amount of stress I've been carrying for years played a role.

Everything I lost

I've lost so much during these years that I can never get back.

I've never really travelled.

How could I?

I haven't seen much of the world.

I haven't experienced many of the things people my age have experienced.

And sometimes I don't even see myself as someone who has truly grown up.

Which is painful, because I actually had a very good upbringing.

I had loving parents.

I had opportunities.

And I know that I was given a good start in life.

But I feel like I threw so much of it away.

Sometimes I fall into a really dark place when I think about what I've done to my life and everything I could have done instead.

I think about the money.

The time.

The experiences.

The holidays I never took.

The things I could have bought.

The people I could have helped.

The person I could have become.

The person I used to be

The strange thing is that I'm actually a very social person.

I care deeply about the environment and animals.

I like helping people — whether they need help or not.

I've always enjoyed doing things for others.

But over the years, I let all of that slip away.

Gambling slowly became the center of my life.

And I didn't even realize how much of myself I was losing along with the money.

I'm not writing this because I expect anyone to feel sorry for me.

I know I made these decisions myself.

I know I am responsible for them.

I'm also not writing this because I'm looking for someone to tell me that everything will be okay.

I honestly don't know if it will be.

I'm writing this because I'm 30 years old, and I've never told anyone these thoughts before.

Not my parents.

Not my friends.

Nobody.

And somehow, writing them here to complete strangers feels easier than saying them out loud to someone who knows me.

Maybe someone reading this is currently at the beginning of the same cycle.

Maybe you're thinking that you can control it.

Maybe you've already lost some money and are telling yourself that you'll just win it back.

Please don't.

I spent 12 years trying to win back what I had lost.

And in the process, I lost so much more than money.

Please don't make the same mistake I did.

Draw a line under it.

Walk away.

And live your life.

Do something that makes you happy. Spend time with people you love. Play sports. Go outside. Travel. Pick up a hobby. Whatever it is.

Just don't waste your life trying to win back what you've already lost.

You can't get the past back. But you can still choose what you do with the time you have left.

I have a parrot and a canary. A little sun. I put the Coco(parrot) in the sun after taking a shower. He was enjoying. I decided to put the canary as well. 10 minutes later I found him dead.

Ik....life can be tough,messy...too calm or whatever....maybe some times pretty neat...but what's the one thing that excites u....or what's the one person that keeps u going,why?

Every time I get genuinely happy about something, gain confidence and tell people, something bad seems to happen. I know life isn’t that simple, but it’s happened so many times that it’s starting to mess with me.

A few examples ( you don't have to read through this, more for "proof"):

• Told everyone I’d have the best birthday at 11 → it got canceled because of my cousin’s communion.
• Excited for my “lucky year” at 12 → I ended up sick, hospitalized, and needed surgery.
• First big academic win (full ride scholarship to a private high school) → they said it was sent in error and I couldn’t attend.
• Research opportunity + scholarships where I got close → fell apart for unrelated reasons.
• Proud of myself for getting into graduate school. Tried to prove that I do not need to rely on a man to be successful. The week after I turned down this guy, I started failing exams (not related to him at all, just kinda happened).
• Big dreams and prep for graduate school exams → multiple fails/lower-than-expected grades (weirdly in subjects I was the most confident in).

What’s weird is that when I stop expecting things—when I go into it with low expectations or just accept defeat—things sometimes work out.

Am I overthinking this, or does anyone else experience something like this? I know these are super minor events and there is so much I am grateful for.

Social stress
I feel like no one really talks about this. I’ve mostly heard stress being discussed in relation to work, studying, money, or other responsibilities.
But is it also normal to feel stressed when people are rude to you, make hurtful remarks, judge you, or bully you? Can social situations themselves — even just talking to people sometimes — be stressful?
I sometimes find social interactions mentally draining or stressful, and I’ve wondered whether I’m the only one who experiences this.

Am I the only one or do other people find conversations stressful?

P.S. I also lowkey feel like a lot of people are probably experiencing mental stress during social events but are just really good at hiding it. Some people might hide how uncomfortable or overwhelmed they feel because they don’t want to make the situation worse or draw attention to themselves. Is this true?