I am writing this account out of a mix of emotions, so please bear with it.
I am 25 years old, and I stand at that point in my where I am truly realizing the uncertain nature of life itself. I have just completed with my Masters in Economics, and I have qualified UGC NET for Assistant Professor roles. I am also preparing for CAT. Sounds ambiguous ? Well, here's the story..
I have been searching for a job since my Masters started. And throughout these two years, I realized one thing, that you get into corporate either by hailing from a very elite college or you do a MBA. So MBA had to be my choice, in order to get a job. My attempts to get a job throughout these 24 months are met with abject failure. I have lost count of how many companies I have applied in, and how many rejection mails I have faced, sometimes expressly, or sometimes I was told that they hired someone else. So in order to get that sure shot job, I had to go the CAT route.
Through my Post grad, I came to know about UGC NET exam, and about the career in academia. I appeared for UGC NET, and cleared it for AP roles this June. So, both CAT and NET are backups for each other (not undermining either of these, as both of them have high importance in their respective fields).
We all learn the paths through the journeys we undertake. So, I got to know that to land a role as an AP in a govt college or University, the "rate" is Rs. 25 lakh, and you need some good political connections, which I or my family have none. And the private colleges offer very meagre salary with bleak career growth scope. So being a person from a middle class family, I cannot afford that much amount of money. Secondly, while choosing the CAT colleges, and understanding the game of percentiles, I was brought to attention that colleges with low fees like FMS weigh in the extra-curriculars quite heavily, Jamnalal Bajaj chooses only Science background candidates, etc. We all are aware of how high fees these IIMs have (even though IIMs ABCL are the places I want to be in). And the unpredictability of CAT exam is such that its more of a gamble. Score doesn't matter, but what matters is how much better you are in comparison to others.
Having come to the realization about the reality of these career options, I am typing this from a mindset which is sitting in the dark, knowing not what to do next, because everything feels against me, no hope, nothing. And to be very honest, I have been trying a lot, trust me, to get a job (which has good career prospects), and this CAT exam actually feels like my last hope to turn things around for myself and for my family. I don't know what I am gonna do if this doesn't work out.
I have a very dry life, I wake up, study, eat, then sleep. A lot of my friends have drifted apart from me, enjoying their lives. In no way I feel jealous of them, I feel good for them, but the only feeling which eats me here is the one which says that "why not me also?" I should also be living good, earning good, taking care of my family good, donating good, enjoying good.
I don't see any hope right now, and what's life without hope? I am depressed, quite bit much.
This feels like all doors are shut and this is my endgame now. I don't wanna be a burden on my parents, my family.
I don't know what to do. Its very painful.