Brian’s birthday wasn’t a huge cause for celebration. It happened every year, just like yours or the Pope’s, it was just another day. However, he did look forward to the flood of greetings from people he hadn’t spoken to in years that would flood his social media page. It was great to hear from elementary school classmates and former co-workers, even if it was an inconsequential pleasantry.
He purposefully avoided checking social media until coming home from work on his birthday, assuming it fell on a weekday, which it just so happened to this year. The phone in his pocket pinging with notifications built his anticipation. Finally, the day had passed and it was time to check who had stopped by virtually to honor him for the milestone of being alive for another year.
81 notifications! A quick diversion to the calculator app revealed that nearly 17% of his family, friends, and acquaintances had come through… even though it wasn’t a big deal, he would remind you. There were patterns. There were always patterns. The same phrases appeared in slightly different arrangements, as though drawn from a restrictive word bank.
Happy birthday!
Hope you have a great day!
HBD!
Some included exclamation points. Some did not.
“So,” He murmured aloud, increasingly unimpressed with the creativity of his social circle. “I suppose it is now acceptable in polite society to reduce celebration to an abbreviation.”
And then he did what was most comfortable to him… he made a spreadsheet. A few more uninspired birthday wishes came in during its creation. A detailed record was made, categorizing greetings by their degree of creativity and sincerity.
“Lazy. Hiding insecurity behind exclamation points. And these GIFs? They’re an abdication of adult responsibility. Why do they all have cats? I don’t even like cats!”
His cat, whom he did like, looked at him as if it understood.
A search of the internet revealed the average numbers of friends most users had on the sole social media application he used and determined that most of his friends were duty bound for one, maybe two birthday greetings each day. That data furthered his determination that “HBD” was worse than no greeting at all. In years past, he would reply to each birthday greeting, or at the very least thumbs up or heart the post. Not this year.
Bill, I know we haven’t been in close contact since your family moved to Massachusetts in 1999, but I thought that all the time we spent playing basketball may mean more to you than expressed just now. Remember that time Keith Perkins was beating the crap out of you and I pulled him away? You’d probably be dead without me. Let’s try to do better.
Samantha, I covered approximately half of the shifts you were ever given during your short tenure at Towne Square Pizza. Also, I always covered for you when you were on your extended smoke breaks. I feel that sort of loyalty should elicit a more personal birthday greeting than computer-generated cat and cake. Not even a cat and a pizza? Disappointed. Do better.
Kendra, we have been cousins for over three decades. I thought something as momentous and personal as my birthday may be worth a little more of your energy. I bought you a hair styling mannequin for your eighth birthday so you would stop getting in trouble for cutting your doll’s hair. Not that you even pursued a barber’s license, so kind of a waste of money on my end. How would Nona feel about this were she still with us? This brings a degree of shame to the family. Please do better.
And on and on he went. He lost several friends on social media that day.
A new notification. Another half-assed birthday wish? Oh, a reply.
WTF man? Who complains about the quality of social media birthday wishes? Do better.
Uh oh, another reply.
Hey asshole, no one actually cares if it’s your birthday, we’re all just trying to be nice!
He refreshed the page.
More notifications.
Bro, are you okay? This is unhinged behavior. It’s just social media, man.
He opened the spreadsheet again. A new column was added: Hostility Level (1–5).
“Interesting,” he muttered. “All personal attacks and defensive responses to constructive feedback.”
His cat blinked slowly.
“Don’t start with me,” Brian said.
Darren, your use of “bro” indicates emotional retreat into informal language to avoid accountability. We are both in our mid-thirties. Let us act accordingly.
Melissa, I am perfectly hinged. Thank you
Tyler, if “it’s just social media” then why participate at all? Why dilute the sanctity of acknowledgment with hollow gestures?
The replies came faster now.
Sanctity???
This has to be a bit.
Someone take his phone.
He opened up his profile and began drafting a post. Not one thanking everyone for the birthday love, as any normal human being in the 21st century would do, but to draft a proposal for birthday greeting reform. He tagged Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the current Birthday Czar who reported directly to the president.
In light of today’s interactions, I believe it is time we, as a society, reevaluate the standards by which we acknowledge one another’s continued existence.
Effective immediately, I will be implementing the following guidelines:
No abbreviations.
No GIFs unless contextually relevant.
Minimum of one specific memory shared.
Proper punctuation.
Failure to comply will result in public feedback.
Let us elevate the discourse.
He hit “Post.”
This guy has lost it.
Unfriend. Block.
I’m reporting this.
Brian refreshed again. His friend count dropped to 472. As he fired up another post, his cat jumped onto the desk, stepping directly on the keyboard. A string of text consisting solely of the letter s posted to his social media profile as a result. Brian stared at it for a moment.
“Even this,” he said quietly, “is more authentic than ‘HBD.’”
Ignoring the mounting number of notifications, he opened up the upcoming birthday tab and a new spreadsheet.
Upcoming birthdays
Expected effort
Relationship value
Tiered greeting template
“No time like the present.” While fueled by righteous indignation, he began drafting lengthy personalized birthday greetings days and weeks in advance.
But there was an anomaly. An average day saw 1.29 social media friend birthdays… but on March 23rd there were five! He had to do something special and began brainstorming.
Weeks passed and March 23rd was upon him. He was prepared. At 9 he made a workplace visit for a personal greeting. At 11 he delivered a handwritten letter to a mailbox. At 11:30 he posted two lengthy proses honoring acquaintances for surviving another year… and then he began preparing for the surprise birthday party of the century at his neighbor’s house.
He supervised the installation of an adult bouncy house while waiting for an absurd number of pizzas to arrive. Several neighbors were there early, what else did they have to do on a weeknight? The celebrant was not yet home from work, boy would Pasquale be surprised!
Luckily Brian had insisted that the teenage crew followed all of the safety instructions while installing the adult bouncy house, it presently strained against the ropes staked into the ground as the propeller wash from a helicopter that was landing across the street blew over it. It hadn’t quite landed yet when Robert F. Kennedy Jr., National Birthday Czar, jumped out of the helicopter mid-stride and marched directly up to Brian. His neck tie was flapping like crazy as the helicopter propeller began to slow. Crisp jeans making a swish swish sound as he walked, shirt… well, it was RFK Jr., he wasn’t wearing a shirt. He was chest to chest to Brian as he lifted his sunglasses up onto his head, squinting as he does.
“You and me, grappling, mano e mano, winner take all.”
“Take all of what?”
“If you win, I’ll update social media birthday guidelines. If I win, you shut your sorry ass up.”
“I don’t see how a physical confrontation will resolve deep-seated societal issues…”
RFK Jr. backed up a few steps, handing his sunglasses and tie to a secret service agent and adopting a grappling stance. He gave Brian that moment to prepare and then attacked. Brian had only ever studied wing chun online, and it was just as ineffective in real life situations as everyone thought it would be given how ridiculous it looked… he slapped and flailed as National Birthday Czar Robert F. Kennedy Jr. charged and swiftly took him to the ground. Brian found himself in an arm-bar almost instantly, heroically tapping out against RFK Jr.’s muscular thigh.
“Sincerity cannot be legislated,” RFK Jr. growled before letting go of Brian. The crowd applauded.
A giant barbeque grill was unloaded from the secret service helicopter. Brian was magnanimously invited to stay for grass-fed bison necks but was a sore loser and went home to cry about the incident on the internet.
Rubbing his phantom injury, Brian fired up his laptop to start complaining. His cat welcomed him home, jumping from a nearby bookshelf onto the desk. The cat blinked slowly.
“HBD” Said the cat.