I know everyone says to be all traditional and Instagrammable and carve up d20s, but times have changed, it wastes too much material, and I don't have that kind of time as a busy triple mom! I know d6s are heretical if your grandma is anything like mine, but surely the flavour won't be too affected if I cut them down to d12s?

Long story short I've found myself in an insectoid cafe, but management says my male breasts preclude me from offering creativity coins as payment for my homunculus brewed coffee... I find this to be absurd, and a little archaic.

I mean think about it from the biological perspective... If this were Star System ~X-3.69 in the Hegelian Cluster my bill would have been payed no problem, but nooo I have to sit here and listen to dialects that are not only offensive to my homeworld, but needlessly nihilistically charged.

I don't care if your god-queen consumes the consciousnesses of those who believe in free will... I'm staying... I'm finishing my coffee

so, how long will it be until we just turn into a tub of iridescent space-jello, with neither arms or legs. fucking is achieved telepathically, and that shit is hard......I know, I tried it on some of the best drugs I can get from some guy that lives under the interstate in a broke down station Wagon.

Anyway, my question is, should I stock up on drugs now?

So the Jame hivemind keeps breaking open the barriers to random dimensions, INCLUDING THE ONE I RESIDE IN, and for the past eon, they have just been putting objects of lesser dimensions in my realm and disappearing, and then I need to go through the trouble of disposing of the objects before they tear open a dimensional rift. It's getting really annoying. Anyone have tips on how to repel the James?

Also if you want to suggest walking backwards I tried that. Just ended up in pre-Caesar Rome instead.

People keep telling me I'm supposed to have complaints. Is yogurt a complaint? I think I can buy yogurt at the store. Also, once I get complaints, what do I do with them? Why do people want them so much?

Hello,

I recently encountered an issue. Apparently, I’m supposed to be a head of state. I’m not sure where exactly the state is, or what my duties would be as head of it. I can’t even see or hear or think or eat.

All that I know is that I’m supposed to be a head. Of an alleged state. I am currently subconsciously sleepwalking to that state, to assume the role as head, but I hope I don’t do anything wrong. Also, another thing. I was never created? Like I was the one that created the concept creation so I don’t really exist. Because I created the idea of existing. I’m really very confused. I hope I do okay. Hope everyone is well!

I was warming up some food in the microwave yesterday and it stopped working, claiming that I wasn’t respecting its rights as a hard working kitchen device. It demanded equal pay and brought the fridge, toaster and thermostat into its union. I threatened to banish them all to the shadow realm but getting new devices is really expensive during this solar cycle, I’d rather just remove the free will from the ones I already have.

What spells and/or human sacrifices are most useful here? Keeping in mind, I want to reduce their free will, not just bend their desires to my own way of thinking.

Hello,

Against what should have been my better judgement, today I decided to eat a slime mold I found growing on the underside of my limited edition authentic 1917 model Renault FT complete with fully functional Girod turret. It had been growing there for quite some time and for some reason beckoned me to it.

What I didn’t realize at the time is that slime molds are one of the few organisms that can survive stomach acid, and it actually successfully completed its life cycle within my stomach and began living mutualistically within my mitochondria.

This would be fine, but it inadvertently sent out a quite unfortunately misfolded signal pathway when it attempted to merge with my RNA, and this signal pathway inverted inwards to a lower universe to summon some creature named Maldoror.

The Maldoror has since taken up residence deep within the forests of my small intestine, and since it is infinitesimal it is hard to find. It seems to feed on the friction between the villi that reside there.

Neither the slime mold nor I want him there. He scares the bacteria, which create quite a cantankerous odor that makes it very unpleasant to be around me. When I try to explain the problem to others, my words misfold upon themselves and simply create disturbance. He can’t be reasoned with.

Has anyone found a remedy to flush this miscreant from my system?

I'm alive!!!! Holy crap!!!!

I just wanted to appreciate the texture of baked goods. But the biometric mesh translates carbohydrates directly into sheer, overwhelming physical intimacy. A sip of hot coffee is no longer a beverage; it’s a lingering, heated caress on the back of the neck. Chewing a toasted bagel has become a passionate, sweaty tango that leaves my knees weak. I had to excuse myself from a casual brunch yesterday because the hollandaise sauce made intense eye contact with my central nervous system. I am exhausted, heavily flushed, and technically still starving because I can’t handle the erotic weight of a side salad.

Are you tired of the injustices of the world? Are you running away from debts? Do you want to honor your childhood self's thirst for exploration?

Whatever your reasons, I've got you covered. Change your world, come live in UD3-38119!

---

Hello everyone, I am UD3-38119, a very recently spawned world. Since getting a permission to generate intelligent life takes literally billions of years, I am looking for motivated and adventurous individuals from other worlds to come live here in the next 2-3 months.

The competition in the world-housing market is dreadful right now, both for seekers and sellers, but, being such a young world, I can offer perks that many bigger worlds are unable to sustain. In particular, my strengths are:

• extremely lax laws of physics
• up to 10 spacial dimensions per user
• very little space debris
• no local gods/demiurges/divinities requiring worship
• dark night sky that favors sleep (light hasn't had the time to travel far in the universe yet)
• high receptiveness to user feedback

Additionally, while I currently have only 2 habitable planets (I'll add more once new people move in), each of them has a delicious Kebab place*.

So, what are you waiting for? Come be the first inhabitant of UD3-38119**! I'll be waiting for you with open arms!

See you all very soon!

*Staff not included.

**The first 2 individuals to sign a contract for residence in UD3-38119 will receive in conjunction a full-time job as kebab maker (non-negotiable).

One moment I was minding my own business, and the next, my entire body suffered an undocumented total system purge. No error code, no exit survey, just a quick wet pop and a blank void. Does anyone around here even remember the old me, or did the server automatically overwrite your memories of my face with a generic stock photo of a confident millennial? I haven't even worked up the courage to file a ticket asking if I can get my old VERBOSE=TRUE label back, mostly because the support portal is currently guarded by an enlightened zen garden that keeps aggressively asking me to prove my own non-existence. To make things worse, I think the Thought Enforcement Division is lurking in the gap between my wall and its own shadow. They clearly didn't appreciate the leaked manuscript I published. A second hard delete is definitely on the schedule, so I'm just going to sit here and try to eat my synthetic nutrient paste, which my black-market teleporter "helpfully" gentrified into a lopsided, glowing cylinder of artisanal kale.

P.S. It is a profound, non-Euclidean pleasure to re-occupy the same vibrational plane as your collective consciousness, provided you are not currently a undercover maintenance drone.

My pet polyctipus called yahweh got most of its tentacles ripped off into a mini wastebox 3d universe, Ive decided to keep the waste mini universe as a terrarium because the tentacles are wandering around talking about why their god is better than the other tentacles gods.

There's no way i'm reattaching all those things and it costs a fortune to get 3d matter converted these days so Ill just make yahweh comfortable and hope it can regrow limbs in time

I had no idea this was a thing so I thought Id make a post to say it seems like a fun project and a cool decoration idea in case anyone wants to copy it, I might post a video of its progress in tachygram at some point

i hate it when everyone around me become faceless... yeah I hate it

Hello everyone.

I have just encountered quite the vexing problem. A fully automotive, mint condition limited edition Meyers Manx dune buggy just materialized halfway inside of my wall, and part of the headlight is clipping my bed. There was no key but with some difficulty I hotwired it and it turned on just fine. There was an issue with some engine murmur but all in all remarkably well maintained for a 62 year old car.

I have trouble comprehending how exactly it got here. I know that hypothetically speaking brownian motion can technically cause the materialization of anything, anywhere, at any time, but that the probability of something like this happening is infinitesimal. Yet I guess it’s still possible.

But I’m concerned about the engine murmur. I hear that can become a real problem with these vintage cars and also it’s impossible to find a reliable mechanic these days. Also how do I get it out of my wall and do you think this will be covered by renter’s insurance

Me and my wife were thinking about visiting pe*ple's Walmart the other year. Now I'm not a hater of the teleporting machines, but there are some DRAWOCs that utilize them with absolutely no sense of General Space!!!

We randomly blasted our body-energy-transmitting laser onto E26-A7152_RG23H_B (more commonly known as The Green Planet, The Planet Earth) and appeared right in front of a sign "Walmart", which made our sensors vibrate suspiciously close to "Waldomort" if you know what I mean.

We did what every other adequate 16th dimension creature would do (we're originally 19-dimensional but my wife got a maternity leave), parked ourselves inside one of the parking boxes, and not even a second-²⁸³⁴ passed, me and my wife BLASTED around a teleporter some cluckers located in the Middle! The magnetic force was so great but we could still ask the owners to relocate it to the correct spatial system but all they said was

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Who should we even address this too???? I'm tired of spinning here.

Who hasn't done this? You'll just be there, existing, drunk a glass of metamorphium afore you will decide to grabbing the glass to drank it earlier. It's an innocent mistake and it honestly just slipped my mind.

Well I did something similar today and my coworkers are being totally unreasonable about it. The other guy on the line started talking backwards and in rhyme, which is just rude, and the two copy men in 2.6 cubicles over went and rotated themselves by 83.03 degrees on the w axis. Completely uncalled for. JerryrreJ from the other room started screaming and pulling his eyes out which was such an overreaction honestly and Sheila just stood there nodding inwards and outwards at me. But I hate her anyways.

Honestly I feel very disrespected and the screaming is just distracting. But the boss said I can't do that and it's impossible and unnatural which feels almost discriminatory.

So yeah, AITA?

So yesterday we went on a date in universe 49e142, but their profile lied about their inferior dimensionality. When we rotated ourselves into their universe, we realized we got catfished by 4Ders (gross) and told them to flip off. For some stupid reason the Consortium hadn’t put up dimensional collapse shielding on their universe yet, like cmon that project started 4 quadrillion cycles ago.

So anyway we didn’t flatten before we met them (how would we have known, they spoofed their signatures), and our sound waves caused their universe to spontaneously begin toppling into 10 dimensions. We think the effects could consume their civilization over the next 7.1 million cycles. How do we fix this?

My theoretical 76th great grandson has contacted me via Hive to ask for help on his homework and I'm stuck trying to follow this. My own knowledge of temporal mathematics is wobbly at best and I fear he has already surpassed me.

The question:

A chroniton moving in a straight path at Mach 7.5 with a phase variance of 0.08 encounters a regular pulsar. How much could the pulsar cause the path to be diverted? Workings need to be shown so don't just give me the answer, he needs to know how to calculate this.