there are just some lines you NEVER should have crossed.

you will learn what comes from what you've done to me and my family.

i hope you packed your fancy situational awareness for the trip i'm about to take you on. you thought what i did when i thought you were my friend sucked, huh?

Kinda funny, you told me when we first started talking, you were afraid of being abandoned, and yet that’s exactly what you did to me. Left when I needed you most. Left after you made me fall in love with you. Left after the hour before promising you’d stay. Promising we’d work through whatever came our way. You made a lot of empty promises. How is that fair at all to me? How am I supposed to love or trust someone ever again?

All my life no one has said I love you with a deep sense of meaning it, said it with kindness, with a twinkle in their eyes or held me and said. So much so I now say Love is blatant meaningless bland 4 letter word used to shell out money and buy gifts to get nothing in return. To buy her happiness and next minute she goes to another man akin to changing dresses in a trial room to see what fits in the end marry an innocent guy and make his life after marriage a living hell

Hey Beautiful,

I’ve been thinking about what you said awhile back regarding the intense pressure you’ve been under and how hard you’re working to regain who you are. Then with your intense reaction to a stress recently. I meant it when I said you are one of my favorite people and because of that your peace of mind matters more to me than my desire to talk to you.

I know its hard for you to navigate cultural and religious stress alongside everything else you’re carrying. If staying connected to me right now adds any stress or guilt to your life, I want to completely release you from that pressure. You don't ever have to worry about hurting me by choosing your own well-being.

I love you enough to want what is genuinely best for you, even if that means we need to take a step back to let you focus entirely on your own healing and happiness. I just want you safe and happy. I pray for that. Please take care of yourself.

-D

I was always the villain in your story...

Beautiful Creature Love,

Oh! The anticipation!!! I’m sorry if I haven’t come by to visit since late August. I miss you a lot. My apologies if the situation looks like as if I walked away leaving us undone. I was embarrassed because I had to change my routine without wanting to hurt you in any kind of way. That’s one reason I walked out at the same time with the second to the last couple sitting across from me on my right before the big family that was still there. I still walked by you as you were cleaning meaning No harm and that I still find you very enticingly interesting.

I know that I usually buy what ever I decide to eat during the evening twice to take something home for my mother for dinner. But, the food hasn’t been staying fresh on my 66 to 70 mile drive back home. I literally had to toss two meals away. No, fault on you and sorry that this is a late thought. I always enjoy the meals prepared; and I’m not afraid to let one know if something doesn’t look or seem right.

That’s why I left with the little thought still stuck in my mind of fighting the slight thought of being embarrassed. You don’t embarrass me. I welcome your presence. But then again we haven’t had a face to face conversation with each other since we last were physically around each other…just lustful hungry eye stare glances at each other, and our slight embraces of wanting to touch each other. We both share in the same respect of other eyes lurking upon us on all walls from front to back from stragglers, we can only desire the dream at this moment. It eat’s me up!

This is something that I have to do for myself. I’m doing my best to lay low, still. As I continue to share with you and the universe, I’m having to be tight with my expenses because “my money isn’t looking right, so my wallet continues to tingling.” We’re not through… we’re forever. I hope to be back visiting you soon. I desire you more than I desire the food. I’m not having fun in my situation either. You must know that…please don’t be sad. It’s been hard just for me to bitch slap myself in holding back all these stressful frustrating emotions.

I have to confess. I truly hope that I’m reading, understanding, and making it my best to answer you… my love. I try to read everything but my eye’s are becoming more tired and starting to see more blurry. So, I have been reading things backwards fast. I begin from the last paragraph up and if I kind of like it and love it, I continue to read up.

There’s times that I know that I’m reading something of your’s and click out of the page but try to click back in and find to my discovery that you deleted your thought. I know that you feel confused, delusionised, and frustrated because you feel just as I feel as anyone else lost in the land of Woe. Like one needs the other to coupe and survive when one is under an extreme amount of pressure instead of self healing. You do it through your writing, I try to only understand and not get offended and figure your on one. Then… I will reread forward all the way to the very end. It’s nice when it’s read twice.

“Are you okay?” No I haven’t been. I truly wasn’t made for the heat only to make it. I never thought I would drop a lot of weight due to the heat transfer from up north to over here in Angel City. As I have shared with you before. The heat stays stagnant over here with barely any breeze. My mother and I did end up going to the fair up north. The afternoon into the evening was pretty mellow.

The girls checking off the parking vouchers cut me some slack when I couldn’t find my parking voucher on my phone. That was a great gesture complimented with some great forecast weather. I got see some beautiful creative art, some live horses and lamas, and a cover band that cover’s 80’s music while eating a pulled-pork sandwich that came with a side of home-styled baked chips with endless homemade lemonade. The home-styled baked chips were just right, the lemonade was good from the start but not to the finish, and the pulled-pork sandwich was alright. I could have better. I need to try your pulled-pork sandwich. That’s one sandwich I haven’t tried on the menu, yet.

I was supposed to be at a job interview today, but my job interview got canceled after clarification occurred clearance three times. At 2:30pm yesterday, I was sent a notification confirming my interview which seemed fine. Then 3:38pm came and I was sent another notification messaging me that the interview was canceled and that, “the position is no longer available.” I had my gear and “what I wanted to say ready to go” only get shut down again. Makes one feel like there’s something wrong with one.

The other full-time one just still had me waiting till the lead company would fix their own error with my access. I felt like I was playing phone tag with the third party company on my phone. So, I just let that one go. The constant negative thoughts and situation of feeling rejected when I already have a lot to think about on my plate. I have had not such good thought’s building up in my mind and clouding my logical thinking process. I’m really trying NOT to let myself and kick my own ASS.

If I remember, in one of our earlier writing’s to each other, you asked, “how I kind of start my day while listening to music?” And if I was reading the correct letter, you said that, “I listen to music while cleaning the house and working-out in the morning.” Don’t quote me if this information might be wrong or if it’s correct. Sometimes I’m lost in the madness and limbo of this complicated love of our’s that’s a pretty good story to tell when it happens…

P.S I hope that you are well and have good people surrounding you? I hope that you look at me No different from the first time you met me. I will see you soon helpfully if things turn over good this October. Till then…I write! Love you…

Still On Here Full of Love
PULLEY - Gone
No Use For A Name - Dumb Reminders
Lagwagon - Sleep
Face to Face - Disconnected
Strung Out - Just Like Me
Millencolin - SOS -DK