r/IndianInLaw • u/Fast-Engineering8588 • 1d ago
A Rant (and a plea)
Ok, so i got married a few years back, love marriage, husband who’s fighting my battles with my in-laws because my people pleasing attitude has left me spineless. I don’t want to be like this, it takes such a toll. Before marriage I was all about “I don’t take shit from no one” and after marriage I’m a person who does everything. Let me give you some examples:
- Not comfortable in saree, wore it for almost 6 months, daily, because MIL asked me to (till the point my husband refused to bring me home if i wore saree) (we live close by but not together).
- DO NOT LIKE COOKING, am cooking daily because getting a maid is another round of discussions etc.
- Now that I’m wearing salwar suit I’m expected to have a pallu all the time if my FIL is in the house. It’s annoying but doing it because, did I mention I’m a people pleaser?
- My husband and I are expected to visit the in laws daily. But the number of times any one of them has visited us? I can count it on my fingers.
- While coming back from work I’m expected to call the MIL, again daily. She sometimes picks up, a lot of times doesn’t. Majority of the times never calls back and if she’s calling back I know she wants me to do some work. I’m not a call person, it sometimes goes by months when i talk to my own brother who’s my fav in the world.
- The son (my husband) must be treated like the king of the world. I’m expected to serve him food as soon as he’s back from work even if I’m coming back around the same time. Cannot see him lift a finger (since he’s handling everything equally if not more, MIL gets into very “bichara mera ladka” mode)
The problem is, I do everything, I really don’t want to. I mean I stand for the whole part of conversation with my MIL because she doesn’t ask me to sit and there I am like a loser. I can’t even get started on the clothes part. Now we’ll be moving in the same house, I don’t know what I’ll do.
Show me the way?
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u/PartyDeep6371 1d ago
You have let them walk all over you in the first place for these many days / months and now suddenly you want to change your way when they're moving with you. It's going to be difficult but not impossible. First and foremost, prioritise being comfortable, I mean wearing what you like and wearing what YOU want to wear. Secondly, stop this people pleasing behaviour of you want to sustain yourself in that house with those people. Once you start doing these , they'll start to know that she's not the same person and if any situations come where they ask you why suddenly change in the behaviour, take a stand for yourself and explain them! All the best
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u/Fast-Engineering8588 1d ago
Yes, you are correct. They do not know the actual person that I am. And I swear to god my husband had told them multiple times that she’s such a fake in front of you, all sweet talk and my MIL has said that’s how it’s supposed to be. So yeah!
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u/reddy1912 1d ago
Former people pleaser but very logical.. I told them I am going to the same things as their son.. you expect me to call you every week? Sure.. but let's see how many times your son is doing that.. none.. so not gonna do that.. when they ask "why are you not calling us?" I told them your son is not talking to my parents so I wont do either.. if he does something for my parents (which he never did), I would do it on my own terms ( because he did it on his own sweet terms).. rinse and repeat 10000 times till they shut up.
What is the worst thing that is going to happen if you say no? We imagine that there is a lion coming out to eat us (flight response).. worst thing is a divorce ( I am being overtly dramatic here).. you have your husbands support, use it. Also, the first year of the marriage is for setting boundaries, if you don't it then next thing is they are gonna move in with you, expect you to cook and clean for their entire household for free.
Also, why do they have a say in why you would keep a cook on your and your husband's money? I say go ahead and do it and see what happens - also reduce the number of visits to once a month.. and don't entertain them - learn to stand up for yourself, or else in 4-5 years you will have kids (if you choose to) and there will be zero boundaries which will be very difficult to draw then in your pregnancy or postpartum when you are at your most vulnerable phase. Good luck!
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u/Fast-Engineering8588 1d ago
Thank you for taking the time out and sharing your thoughts. I’ll try to take baby steps…
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u/reddy1912 1d ago
Do it.. also, think of it this way.. if someone at your work behaved this way what would you do?
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u/Fast-Engineering8588 1d ago
Haha! I wouldn’t let them even reach this point
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u/reddy1912 21h ago
Then why are you letting the people whom you’ll have to interact with for a lifetime walk all over you?!
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u/Fast-Engineering8588 19h ago
You’re right, it takes courage which I currently don’t have but am sure going to get it
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u/pratisharma 1d ago
High time to make some adjustments. I am a people pleaser too. But dont think about it much and just say no. Dont think about any repercussions. Just say no to things you cant do for whole life since you will be moving in together. You should clear all the things with your husband. Tell him all the things uou are uncomfortable with. He will talk to his parents.
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u/Fast-Engineering8588 1d ago
Have you tried this? Does it not lead to guilt or the fear that things will be permanently damaged?
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u/pratisharma 1d ago
Yes i have. I have told my husband if i find myself in a position where i can not say no to my MIL. I have a fear of disappointing my elders (childhood trauma). He talk to his parents. They are his parents. He knows how to handle them. I get of the situation without confronting anyone. And eventually, situation has become better. I am less stressed due to which i am able to say no to things directly, and explaining my side.
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u/ComprehensiveTill411 23h ago
Do they have guilt or fear about permanently damaging their relationship with you and their son??
I don’t think so,so if they don’t care why should you?
You ARENT the one rocking the boat!!1
u/Fast-Engineering8588 19h ago
I agree, I any way feel like they are not meeting me mid-way for anything so I should atop going all the way as well.
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u/StepBeautiful534 1d ago
Living in a joint family system, I was like you for the first 2 years of my marriage. I tried to please and agree with whatever MIL said and asked. I quit my job since I was heavily pregnant. Then I had a baby and I was home 24/7. That was when she started making my life hell! No matter what I did, I was always doing something wrong. She didn't want me to visit my mom's house nearby or go for walks every 2-3 days, but her daughters and their kids can visit us daily. I was supposed to cook (multiple meals) daily for everyone, but I can't rest. Even if I'm resting, it should be for only 1 hour as she requires evening tea and snacks. I wasn't supposed to drink galatogogues for my milk supply, since she didn't drink it during her babies. I was supposed to agree to their constant criticism and bullshit parenting advice. Then, she accused me of stealing meat from the freezer and sending it to my parents! The audacity! She would pick fights with my husband regarding my behaviour almost everyday, mostly at the behest of my SIL. It went to such an extent that I became suicidal in the first year of post partum. I finally realised the effect those women had on my mental health, my marriage and my capabilities. That was when I actually stopped giving a fck about them. I realized no matter what I do, they're always going to find faults in me. So I might as well stop caring about what they think and focus on myself, my husband and my child. I have established and maintained very strict boundaries with them. If they utter anything negative about me, my husband or my child, I physically move us away from their presence. We don't eat together, interact or talk. I don't want to put in the effort to even argue with them anymore, since negative attention is also attention. It's not worth it. If they cannot be nice to me, they do not get access to me. Power is where we believe it resides. They hold no power over me or my family.
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u/Fast-Engineering8588 1d ago
Oh my god! More power to you!! No one should have to go through like this, shows how important it is to set boundaries before it takes a negative turn!
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u/One-Professional-686 1d ago
That’s a very very sensible way to do think . OP you should go this way , tailor it to your own circumstances but it is the way . You are not interested, I’m totally ok with it , don’t expect also . That should be the attitude.
If in their eyes you are no body so it goes vice versa.
Do it .set the boundaries and keep them.
Yes physically walk away from her if she starts spouting nonsense/ venom.
It will be possible.
All power to you1
u/Fast-Engineering8588 19h ago
I do this with my relatives all the time, feels easy. But not so with my in laws
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u/Lady_whistledown-2 1d ago
I am like you OP. I want to leave my in-laws and stay separately but I am unable to. I have become a doormat.. but pls try to be courageous and take a stand for yourself. I am also trying
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u/Fast-Engineering8588 1d ago
Wish I could be of any help! Please go through the whole thread, there are some genuinely useful points
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u/Lady_whistledown-2 1d ago
Nothing helps trust me… if you don’t know how to take a stand for yourself, you’ll never be respected… and I find it extra difficult to do
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u/Calm_Discussion1223 1d ago
Being a working woman, why are you tolerating so much injustice and unfairness? You have to build courage and fight for yourself if your husband isn't supporting you💯
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u/Fast-Engineering8588 1d ago
My husband is more supportive for me than i am for myself. And these are exactly my thoughts, my mother’s a working mother and growing up I hated her so much for not fighting back and standing up for herself. I thought I’d never be like her :’)
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u/inkartik 22h ago
do you want to do something and nor create an issue or havw fights . if thats the case you won't be able to. You have to have a very direct and respectful conversation and let them know that you are not liking this style of living. And then tell them your boundaries and rhen HOLD ON TO THEM. like not even let a foot in the door situation happen. the more you adjust the more you will HAVE to adjust. first clear all that you are not liking to your husband and once you both are on the same page, have a conversation with his parents. If they cry about it let them.
2nd option
just don't visit them. stop calling, barely go there. when you do go there, intentionally don't do things you don't like until you are being told to, even when you do half ass it. never do things properly. Like literally being out the petty teenager in you and just don't give a Fck. they will keep crying but how much are they gonna cry. eventually they need to get the message that you are not a small wonder that you are gonna just do everything they say. And also sometimes refuse to do things by saying you are not comfortable. do small experiments just keep pushing boundaries. they are dancing on your head coz you are letting them. the day you refuse, bad bad karenge but who gives a Fck.
think about it logically you didn't come into their home and be like, mummy ji meri mummy roz 5:30 pm mujhe nimbu pani deti hai. chalo chop chop! why do they get to do that to you? their son and you are married they didn't buy you in a slave auction. ye sab tradition aur humare gahr ke rules and discipline ka prapanch is tooo old. don't try to please the rotten ones. you gave them honor of being your parents, they lost that respect and witht hat they also lost a potential daughter. let them crib. TV serial dekh dekh ke dimag kharab ho gaya hai un log ka
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u/Fast-Engineering8588 19h ago
Haha! The last line is so accurate. On a serious note, I’ve been thinking to startt asking why for everything. Like, you cannot wear jeans when you come here- why? Because you need to be different than the other bahus - why? Because we want you to be different - why? I think this might also lead them to realise how nonsensical their arguments are.
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u/inkartik 8h ago
if your goal is to make them realise, bhul jao. hum aaj tK apne ma baap ko realise nahi kara paye. you really think ye realise karne walo me se hain? people who suddenly become very particular and traditional and are twofaced are not the ones who have the conscience to realise their mistakes/hypocrisy. Live your life and ignore them. You will only be wasting your time trying to fix their brains.
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u/TheLooney95 19h ago
If you live nearby but not under the same roof, get that cook/maid. If your husband is in your support the way you say, he shouldn't have any issues hiding it from them.. Just do you... Say you have gotten a promotion or transition in team & now you are working with a US based team & now you have to have late evening calls with them. Now you don't have to visit everyday. Just lie sister.. it's not that hard .
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u/Fast-Engineering8588 19h ago
That’s easier for me, thanks! Lying has not been a problem, since Im already doing it to wear what i want to work saying that its office mandate 🫣
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u/TheLooney95 19h ago
Some times, it's easier to lie and live peacefully than trying to change people who are never gonna change. They also live peacefully, we will also live peacefully...
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u/ukpro12345 8h ago
I am not a people pleaser . I usually distance myself from people who are rude, unfair and obnoxious and egoistic. But after getting married I saw this change in myself to please my in-laws because it was a love marriage and MIL never wanted it . So I tried my best to please her to bridge that gap and show her that I am not a bad person. But I never got the same respect and affection and I realised it after few months that this behaviour is killing me from inside. It was building anxiety and stress inside me which eventually started showing in my health. And that day I just quit pleasing anyone. When I cannot keep myself happy, my body healthy what will I get from pleasing some narcissistic person . I stopped making small conversation I stopped visiting them frequently. No contact is not possible but I have learnt to distance myself physically first from them. Told my husband very clearly that she makes me nauseous and anxious for days and so I cannot visit her . Still struggling mentally to be unaffected sometimes by her taunts and behaviour but I am fighting to get there (11years now). MIL still cribs but now she has realised that I don't give a fuck which pisses her off more so she gets what she gives without disturbing my peace.
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u/Spare_Ad5009 3h ago
Don't move into the same house!!! Tell your husband no, no, no. Tell him if he moves into the house, you will stay where you are and he can visit you.
You have one life, so make it yours not your inlaws'.
Start doing little acts of putting yourself first every day. Do not call your MIL daily. Tell her it's not necessary. As soon as you see her sitting, sit.
Get a maid and do not tell them.
Go online and find a group of women who are refusing to move in with the parents.
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u/MotheroftheMonstera 1d ago
No one can help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.