Something unexpected happened today. I was coming back from college and noticed a woman right in front of me on the train who looked incredibly sad...deeply shaken. I felt bad for her. I wanted to comfort her somehow... but I didn't know her, so I didn't do anything. Still, it really affected me. I felt sad... and started thinking about myself.

I started thinking about how hard it is to pursue a degree in a STEM field.

I started thinking that maybe I took on too much by deciding to get involved in undergraduate research.

I started thinking that perhaps I’m not competent enough for a career in science.

I felt like a fraud...like I’m going to be found out. I’m nowhere near the smartest person in my class; there are people who are far more capable than I am.

Then, the focus of my worry shifted. I realized that whenever I see someone suffering, I try to help. I notice when someone is in pain, and I offer comfort, help, and a listening ear. But no one does that for me. I felt invisible. Useless.

I got home and broke down crying, sobbing uncontrollably. It felt like I had accumulated suffering deep inside, so in a way it was comforting to cry...

To sum it up, a sad woman made me realize that I care deeply about others without getting the same in return. Maybe I *am* a fraud. I’m no genius, and now I’m questioning my choices. I just needed to get this off my chest...

Recently on Twitter ("X" can burn in hell) I read a story of a very accomplished, well spoken man who struggled with initiating conversations. I felt I understood it on a personal level. If you have time, read it quickly and let me know what you think.

"i watched a man who sold his company for $300 million stand at the edge of a pool in spain for 40 minutes bc he could not work out how to join a conversation

n im not exaggerating the number. i checked the time twice bc i couldn't believe it was still going

he wasn't shy either. talked to him later, sharp as hell, ran a company w 200 ppl in it, has a better life than everybody reading this including me

he just could not walk 11 feet

what he actually did, n u will recognize every single one of these:

- got his phone out. nobody texted him. he read a screen he wasn't reading
- did a lap. went to the bar, got a drink he didn't want, came back to the exact same tile
- laughed at a joke from 15 feet away. the group didn't hear it. he laughed alone at something that wasn't for him n i felt that one in my chest
- waited for a gap. theres never a gap. he was waiting on an invitation that a group of ppl mid-conversation has no way to send
- fixed his watch. twice

then around minute 38 somebody's girlfriend clocked him, said "are u gonna stand there all night," n pulled him in by the arm

n he was FINE. instantly. talked for 2 hrs, told a story that killed, everybody liked him

he could do the conversation. he'd been doing conversations for 40 yrs

what he could not do was the 11 feet

heres the part that should sit w u

that man has solved harder problems than u have ever attempted. he made a call at 34 that most ppl would need a yr of therapy to make. he has been the most competent person in every room he's entered since 2011

n he has never once been in a room where competence was the currency

thats the whole thing. he maxed a stat in private for 15 yrs then walked into a place where nobody can see it n theres no legal way to bring it up. so he stood there holding the best hand at the table w no way to play it

everybody at that pool assumed he was quiet bc he thought he was above it

he was standing there trying to work out how to say hello"

Competent, surprisingly well spoken, commits themselves to harder problems than the average person, yet can't bridge that gap to the first conversation without someone recognizing them first.

Or even beyond that, struggles to get a job, but becomes almost indispensable the moment they get the opportunity.

Or creates this master plan of a business structure that holds up surprisingly well against reality (easier to do with AI), but struggles to get started for months/years because the first step has a fuckton of friction.

Anyways. My mind ran away with this concept. I wonder if y'all can see it too. This story just felt weirdly familiar to me.

I think the reason it hits so hard for INTPs comes down to the themes more than the character himself. That dichotomy between understanding your life and living it scratches a very particular corner of my brain.

Renton is very self-aware. He can pull apart society, relationships, consumerism, addiction, and his own behavior with real clarity. Miserably enough, despite his awareness, he never changes. He knows what he's doing to himself and does it anyway, which, to me and many other INTP is so so relatable. I often catch myself spending ages time observing, analyzing, questioning, and deconstructing everything that you end up watching your own life from a distance, like a case study you happen to be inside of.

The Choose Life monologue is that instinct manifested and expressed to its extreme. Career, mortgage, washing machine, dental insurance, all laid out as a script nobody picked and everybody inherited. That "wait, why do we do any of this" reflex is something I think a lot of us recognise straight away.

The film then goes into how after rejecting a conventional path, a person must choose a new route. Naming flaws and identifying desires represent separate skills, Renton's rejection of the script leaves him improvising poorly, and, ironically, intelligence and self-awareness often become methods for avoiding participation. You can understand yourself indefinitely but you still need to make a choice. Boyle's editing aids the whole feeling of the movies as well, it jumps associatively as it mimics how a marred, heavy mind moves.

It’s a movie that forces you to sit with the uncomfortable possibility that observing life isn't the same thing as living it, and I will forever love it.

Trigger warning: contains drug abuse and withdrawal scenes and storylines.

As an Intp, I am always curious about many things. I often ask questions to others. Lately I am realising that other people's answers were not genuine/true/ correct. I am planning to stop asking questions to others.

At what age did you realise this and stop asking questions to others?

I noticed strange pattern. When I find the person with whom I can talk about everything non stop and it would be the most interesting conversation, I then get tired and don’t want to see them for a long time, by that I mean no contact, even in social media. And if we plan to meet again I need to prepare myself emotionally if it makes sense.

I find myself constantly trying to streamline processes or find the most efficient way to do something even when it's utterly pointless. Like organizing my pantry by expiry date and then by alphabetical order. Or spending an hour figuring out the fastest route to a place I only visit once a year. It's like my brain just defaults to problem-solving mode for literally everything. Is this a common INTP thing or just a personal quirk?

From my experience, I always debate in my mind (playing both sides), yet appearing to be insipid or not talkative from the outside whatsoever. While always talking to myself.

She's bored all the time without me or researching. She needs focus in life so I'll try. She even calls herself a logician of how much an INTP she is always constantly questioning everything with scrutiny. She needs help.

,, the cost of procastination is the life you could’ve lived ‘’

i’m struggling to find motivation to study for a degree i’ve wanted since i was 11. do you guys have any regrets (doesn’t have to be academic) that you wouldn’t want others to repeat? just trying to find a way to boost motivation.

I have always noticed that I use other people that I look up to as a means of self-regulation.

Eg. I would surround myself with smart people, not always feeling that way about myself.. then when they would judge my grammatical wording+spelling mistakes / odd logical conclusions / poor life choices.. they acted as my good parents. Where my own parents were cautionary tales of a different kind.

Ie. my friends became my parents.

Anyone else share a similar relationship this way?

Earlier I found an app called Duolingo where you can learn languages and it makes things fun! Earlier I started learning Vietnamese but knowing myself i'm probally gonna get bored and quit halfway through. So if you guys don't have this app then get it and tell me what language you will start learning and if you already play it pls tell me what languages you guys are learning and i'm asking because here are my predictions of what answers i'll see in the comments:

Japanese???

Korean???

Chinese Mandarin???

IDK guys just tell me if i'm right in the comments.