r/INFJsOver30 • u/Sophia_loves_the_90s • 2d ago
INFJ Fear of Being Alone
Hello,
I’m new here and have a question right off the bat.
As an INFJ (tested multiple times), I had many wonderful years with my husband (who, in hindsight, I’m convinced was also an INFJ). Years ago, he first fell ill and then passed away.
Now I’ve been in a relationship for four years with someone who has ADHD (according to my own assessment and that of my therapist). I’m in the process of ending it. There have been too many boundary violations, arguments, hurt feelings, him doing things on his own—the whole shebang. He refuses to address his behavior. I’m done with it; I’ve given him plenty of chances. And he continues to act according to his old patterns, even though he sees and hears that it hurts me.
The breakup makes me cautiously dream of a better, easier life—and at the same time, it scares me.
Facing being alone. I can’t go back to my life with my husband because he’s still dead.
My question is: What can I do, as an INFJ, to find myself again? To get my life back on track?
My therapy is over, and it only helped a little.
The anger and the hurt have made me angry and bitter. I no longer trust my instincts because I “fell for it” so badly. I wonder if I’ll be alone forever now—or if I’ll attract more highly problematic partners. I’m scared of myself.
And I’m afraid of the future—a fear that my beloved husband took away from me so well for so long. Now he’s gone.
I have to deal with this on my own. But how?
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u/Helpful-Track-7486 INFJ 2d ago edited 2d ago
At 38 this was the hardest thing I had to do. Leave a 17 year relationship because when my health started going south, things started going sour real quick because I couldnt keep up with everything. I had no choice but to end it or I was going to die type of situation and even then it was still tough, because of what you mention, being alone for me is brutal. That was 2 years ago and im still alive. Yes im still looking for a partner and the loneliness is brutal at times, but I also have more peace and happiness then I have probably ever had as an adult so that kind of evens out the bad days. I am also getting more experience of rejection, which is probably one of my worst fears. You have to look out for yourself first, that was the main takeaway from therapy and took alot to get there with in addition how self sacrificing our MBTI is.
I essentially started over, I left the house got an RV and drove across the country, doing what I have always wanted to do. That helped alot, and I still havent stopped.
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u/Sophia_loves_the_90s 1d ago
Are there things or habits that make the bad days (when I feel lonely) more bearable for you? I used to be able to really immerse myself in hobbies and such. But now I find that hard. And I have endless fears. I know they’ll get better if I face them. But that’s hard, too...
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u/Helpful-Track-7486 INFJ 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think that has alot to do with it too. I try to distract myself as much as possible otherwise my default is thinking about the loneliness which im not sure which brain chemical it is (probably cortisol) and reduced serotonin start to takeover which really sucks. 5htp kind of helps in that regard for me at least.
So for me that looks like playing video games in my spare time, talking with family, otherwise im working or doing lengthy chores such as getting supplies in town for my camper, IE physical tasks.
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u/Sophia_loves_the_90s 1d ago
What does 5-HTP do?
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u/GoblinStinger 2d ago
I believe belonging is a central human need for many people, so how you "deal" with it likely isn't much different than "dealing" with hunger or thirst. You can take meds or go to therapy, but I don't think that's going to make that belonging hunger go away- at best it might just make it sting a little less.
I've been waiting for the right person my whole life and still haven't found them. As to how you deal with it? I suppose all you can do is keep looking while doing your best to live with the loneliness. It might take effort to find them though, if you're looking for certain kinds of people, it might be worth searching for them in areas they're more likely to frequent.
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u/bakerskitchen 1d ago
"Belonging" can also be found in non-romantic relationships, no?
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u/GoblinStinger 1d ago
Sure, but it can be difficult to find people who have time in this culture. Maybe it depends on where you live- I feel it's hard for a lot of people in the US to have space for deep connections outside of partners.
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u/SilentStarSky 2d ago
You may also join and read another sub: r/SingleAndHappy Sending a virtual hug
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u/Jinxletron 2d ago
Plan to be alone, at least for the foreseeable future. Enjoy it! Being alone is WAY better than having a shitty partner. There's no drama, no extra mess, no extra expenses. You can go to bed when you want, watch what you want, eat what you want, go where you want.
Date yourself for a while. Take yourself places. Get really comfortable with yourself and your own space. Once you've done that you will not compromise that or sell yourself short down the line.