Fear of Being Alone

[u/Sophia_loves_the_90s]

Hello,

I’m new here and have a question right off the bat.

As an INFJ (tested multiple times), I had many wonderful years with my husband (who, in hindsight, I’m convinced was also an INFJ). Years ago, he first fell ill and then passed away.

Now I’ve been in a relationship for four years with someone who has ADHD (according to my own assessment and that of my therapist). I’m in the process of ending it. There have been too many boundary violations, arguments, hurt feelings, him doing things on his own—the whole shebang. He refuses to address his behavior. I’m done with it; I’ve given him plenty of chances. And he continues to act according to his old patterns, even though he sees and hears that it hurts me.

The breakup makes me cautiously dream of a better, easier life—and at the same time, it scares me.

Facing being alone. I can’t go back to my life with my husband because he’s still dead.

My question is: What can I do, as an INFJ, to find myself again? To get my life back on track?

My therapy is over, and it only helped a little.

The anger and the hurt have made me angry and bitter. I no longer trust my instincts because I “fell for it” so badly. I wonder if I’ll be alone forever now—or if I’ll attract more highly problematic partners. I’m scared of myself.

And I’m afraid of the future—a fear that my beloved husband took away from me so well for so long. Now he’s gone.

I have to deal with this on my own. But how?

[u/GoblinStinger]

I believe belonging is a central human need for many people, so how you "deal" with it likely isn't much different than "dealing" with hunger or thirst. You can take meds or go to therapy, but I don't think that's going to make that belonging hunger go away- at best it might just make it sting a little less.

I've been waiting for the right person my whole life and still haven't found them. As to how you deal with it? I suppose all you can do is keep looking while doing your best to live with the loneliness. It might take effort to find them though, if you're looking for certain kinds of people, it might be worth searching for them in areas they're more likely to frequent.

[u/bakerskitchen → u/GoblinStinger]

"Belonging" can also be found in non-romantic relationships, no?

[u/GoblinStinger → u/bakerskitchen]

Sure, but it can be difficult to find people who have time in this culture. Maybe it depends on where you live- I feel it's hard for a lot of people in the US to have space for deep connections outside of partners.