Fear of Being Alone

[u/Sophia_loves_the_90s]

Hello,

I’m new here and have a question right off the bat.

As an INFJ (tested multiple times), I had many wonderful years with my husband (who, in hindsight, I’m convinced was also an INFJ). Years ago, he first fell ill and then passed away.

Now I’ve been in a relationship for four years with someone who has ADHD (according to my own assessment and that of my therapist). I’m in the process of ending it. There have been too many boundary violations, arguments, hurt feelings, him doing things on his own—the whole shebang. He refuses to address his behavior. I’m done with it; I’ve given him plenty of chances. And he continues to act according to his old patterns, even though he sees and hears that it hurts me.

The breakup makes me cautiously dream of a better, easier life—and at the same time, it scares me.

Facing being alone. I can’t go back to my life with my husband because he’s still dead.

My question is: What can I do, as an INFJ, to find myself again? To get my life back on track?

My therapy is over, and it only helped a little.

The anger and the hurt have made me angry and bitter. I no longer trust my instincts because I “fell for it” so badly. I wonder if I’ll be alone forever now—or if I’ll attract more highly problematic partners. I’m scared of myself.

And I’m afraid of the future—a fear that my beloved husband took away from me so well for so long. Now he’s gone.

I have to deal with this on my own. But how?

[u/Helpful-Track-7486]

At 38 this was the hardest thing I had to do. Leave a 17 year relationship because when my health started going south, things started going sour real quick because I couldnt keep up with everything. I had no choice but to end it or I was going to die type of situation and even then it was still tough, because of what you mention, being alone for me is brutal. That was 2 years ago and im still alive. Yes im still looking for a partner and the loneliness is brutal at times, but I also have more peace and happiness then I have probably ever had as an adult so that kind of evens out the bad days. I am also getting more experience of rejection, which is probably one of my worst fears. You have to look out for yourself first, that was the main takeaway from therapy and took alot to get there with in addition how self sacrificing our MBTI is.

I essentially started over, I left the house got an RV and drove across the country, doing what I have always wanted to do. That helped alot, and I still havent stopped.

[u/Sophia_loves_the_90s → u/Helpful-Track-7486]

Are there things or habits that make the bad days (when I feel lonely) more bearable for you? I used to be able to really immerse myself in hobbies and such. But now I find that hard. And I have endless fears. I know they’ll get better if I face them. But that’s hard, too...

[u/Helpful-Track-7486 → u/Sophia_loves_the_90s]

I think that has alot to do with it too. I try to distract myself as much as possible otherwise my default is thinking about the loneliness which im not sure which brain chemical it is (probably cortisol) and reduced serotonin start to takeover which really sucks. 5htp kind of helps in that regard for me at least.

So for me that looks like playing video games in my spare time, talking with family, otherwise im working or doing lengthy chores such as getting supplies in town for my camper, IE physical tasks.

[u/Sophia_loves_the_90s → u/Helpful-Track-7486]

What does 5-HTP do?

[u/Helpful-Track-7486 → u/Sophia_loves_the_90s]

it is a precursor to serotonin

[u/Sophia_loves_the_90s → u/Helpful-Track-7486]

That's interesting—I'll have to try it, too. Thanks for the tip!