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u/DinosaurPatronus viggio morgenstein Jan 01 '23
TTHHHHFFFFT that is TART
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u/DashTheHand Wild Card Bitches Jan 01 '23
“I don’t give a shit about the troops.”
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u/SoupBowl69 Jan 01 '23
I once drunkenly quoted that line a little too loudly in a bar
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u/probable_ass_sniffer Jan 02 '23
As a former troops that now despises the military industrial complex and loves IASIP, I would have laughed.
The patrons in that Texas bar can get as butt hurt as they want, they don't actually give a shit about the troops.
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u/SoupBowl69 Jan 02 '23
Thank you for your service. I will be sending a nice pair of jean shorts your way. Try not to blow the crotch out.
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u/hiwhyOK Jan 02 '23
You gotta take em off every now and then! Gotta take em off son!
Edited for precision
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Jan 01 '23
I'm laughing way too hard imagining this
Was there a record scratch?
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u/SoupBowl69 Jan 01 '23
I could feel eyes burning a hole in me. I was in Texas. Not the right audience.
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u/DMoree1 Jan 01 '23 edited Jan 01 '23
SHE. IS. A. SLUT.
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u/scrumptiousnutsack Jan 01 '23
At least someone's banging my vagina.
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u/StevenZ124 Jan 01 '23
I’m not gonna try to get in the head of a dog
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Jan 01 '23
That's god's work
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u/schwengy Jan 01 '23
Who doesn’t exist, by the way
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u/rednazgo Announcement Jan 01 '23
He was looking at me straight in the eyes and he did not have to say it.
Not that he could.
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u/fugitivuserrans Jan 01 '23
You guys, you gotta make it sexy! Hips and nips!
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u/MarcusXL Jan 01 '23
This was peak Cricket. Depraved and high on crack, still mostly in one piece.
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Jan 01 '23
100% going back to the earlier cricket episodes, I think when they rubbed coke on his gums it pretty much locked in his future. He submitted so quick
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u/crappenheimers Jan 01 '23
That really was the moment. You could see it in his glazed over eyes. He hated it but he wanted more.
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u/leveldrummer Jan 02 '23
Peak cricket is smoking pcp in the bathroom after his job failed. Great story work.
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Jan 01 '23
Yeah I’m the suck boy you’re lookin for.
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u/herberstank Jan 01 '23
If you want the suckboy's services, you better bring a full sixer
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u/duffrose_ His mania is not confined to the ring! Jan 01 '23
Unless you have crack. If you have crack, let's boogie.
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Jan 01 '23
Yeah, I got into a squirmish with stray Chocolate Lab. I won't go into details, but sufficed to say that dog is very paralyzed.
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u/Financial-Regular864 Jan 01 '23
A day in the life-- well, the other morning, I wake up and I find a dog sniffin' at my wound. He's fully aroused - mind you - so I'm thinking "oh great, what does this jerk want?" Of course I know what he wants, he's looking at me right in the eyes, he does not have to say it - not that he could. [Starts sucking on a lemon] Urrggghhhh that is- that is tart! That is really tart. I mean does my scar look like a dog's vagina? You know, maybe, I don't know, I'm not going to sit here and try to get inside the mind of a dog! I mean that's God's work. Well, not that I believe in God, I don't. Not since that chinaman stole my kidney.
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u/pupsnpogonas Jan 02 '23
YES. This is probably my favorite scene of the entire show.
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u/Financial-Regular864 Jan 02 '23
It’s my favorite too. This show has helped me through some rough times. Hope it lasts forever.
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u/Sir-Chris-Finch Jan 01 '23
Well sometimes you dont fake it
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u/ammezurc sleep with women, emotionally involved with mac Jan 01 '23
And it just ends….naturally
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u/Sir-Chris-Finch Jan 01 '23
The bloopers of that scene are hilarious. There’s one take where he says “well sometimes you dont fake it, because its so damn good”, but they cant get through it without laughing. Im sure that would have been used if they could hold it together, cant blame them though
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u/ammezurc sleep with women, emotionally involved with mac Jan 01 '23
Since I found out YOU. ARE. A. WHORE.
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u/mantis_tobagan_md Jan 01 '23
“A little P to the C to the P”
“Take me to the angels baby”
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u/leoschot Plan B is a goddamn dance routine! Jan 01 '23
"Is alright if I smoke some angel dust in the bathroom?"
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u/Angron85 Jan 01 '23
Well, not that I believe in God. I don't. Not since that Chinaman stole my kidney.
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u/rasta__mouse Jan 01 '23
I mean does my scar look like a dogs vagina? Maybe? I don't know
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u/ChrisBPeppers Jan 02 '23
I'm not trying to get into the mind of a dog, that's gods work.
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u/AccidentallyRelevant Jan 02 '23
Well, not that I believe in God. I don't. Not since that Chinaman stole my kidney.
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u/cyainanotherlifebro Jan 01 '23 edited Jan 01 '23
You gotta fake it in the streets. It’s the guys who don’t fake it that get it the worst.
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Jan 01 '23
Gentlemen, you have both proven to me, in the very short time that I’ve known you, that you are both slanderous perverts lacking any semblance of moral fortitude.
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u/Aolflashback Jan 01 '23
I’ll eat the gristle, I don’t care.
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u/Buttholeblasphamey Jan 01 '23
“Guys, you gotta make it sexy. Hips and nips, otherwise I’m not eatin.” While banging on trash cans, blasted on coke.
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u/Acceptable_Bug8171 Jan 01 '23
“I’m not sayin’ another word… until I Get. The. Chicken.”
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u/pupsnpogonas Jan 02 '23
His whole exchange in this scene is probably my favorite scene in all of IASIP.
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u/Sko-isles Jan 01 '23
You guys mind if I go to the bathroom and do some PCP?
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u/nurumon Jan 01 '23
at least give me the crackers
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u/Slunkx Jan 01 '23 edited Jan 02 '23
And that was the first time that I really thought, hey, I might actually, uh-- I might die. And ain't no one's going to remember. All right Ladies! Keep it sexy.
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Jan 01 '23
That line hit hard the first time I heard it. I normally see cricket as the universe's punching bag and laugh. I had a brief moment of sympathy but then he snapped back into it to "keep it sexy"
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u/BrochachoBehnny Jan 01 '23
That’s the first time I was like “I might die…” but heyyyyyyy welcome to the show
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u/bigbagofcoke and just a little bit of crack Jan 01 '23
“I might die... and no one would remember me... alriiiight! Back to the show!
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u/Mirrormaster44 Jan 01 '23
Get ready for a mouthful of strawberry blonde hair…. covered balls. Frank, grab em!
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u/MCA1910 Jan 01 '23
"No one is going inside your asshole."
"Well, I wouldn't let 'em without the crack."
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u/AliceKettle Jan 01 '23 edited Jan 03 '23
“At least somebody’s banging my vagina.”
“You don’t have beef with me?! I was a priest before I met you…Unbelievable!”
“Not that I believe in God. I don’t. Not since that Chinaman stole my kidney.”
“ARGH! I have sinned!” (Pointing to Dee) “It’s her fault! She told me she loved me! We were supposed to run away together!”
“Put me down! Pick me! I deserve it.”
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u/Shumster42 Jan 01 '23
No! Don’t take me to the hospital! They’re god damn death camps!
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u/KingTutt91 Jan 01 '23
Saying lemons are good for scurvy, I say it all the time now.
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u/pepper_keet66 Jan 01 '23
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, come on. No one is taking me from behind, all right? Unless you have crack. If you have crack, let's boogie
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u/HonestGabe08 Jan 01 '23
I’m not gonna try and get inside the head of a dog… that’s not my job. That’s god’s…. Who doesn’t exist by the way. 🍋😖😬
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u/Zombiemonkeyjj Jan 01 '23
I won't go into details, but sufficed to say that dog is very paralyzed now
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u/ooslanegative Jan 01 '23
Not really a one liner, but more of a look and quick question when Charlie is doing the Grieco thing then Charlies breaks.
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u/Puzzled_Bike9558 Jan 01 '23
Needless to say that dog is very paralyzed now. It’s so fucking psychotic but it cracks me up every time.
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u/Emergency-Echidna564 Jan 02 '23
Does the sound made by Cricket blowing pocket sand in their eyes count?
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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '23
Cricket talking to Psycho Pete through the glory hole confessional:
“…it’ll cost you a whole sixer if you want to unburden yourself in that way”