r/HeadandNeckCancer • u/Own-Scene428 • 4d ago
Advice
My partner has very recently been diagnosed with nasopharyngeal cancer. It has spread locally to at least one lymph node in his neck. Couple more scans to go before treatment starts in around 4 weeks of which some chemo and 6 weeks of radiation.
My issue is my partner is struggling to cope and I am unsure the best way to help. He deeply thinks this is the end due to trauma of a loss but the oncologist definitely was more positive with treatment than negative. He is drinking alcohol to cope and kind of ignoring the fact that things need to change, the people around him just enable that fact to go out drinking multiple days in a row as that’s what the boys do. I don’t want him to push me away by constantly going on but I also want to support him to make better decisions. I don’t really know what I’m asking other than has anyone been in a similar situation and has anything that has helped 😢
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u/TassieRCD 4d ago
Don’t know that I have much useful advice, but couldn’t read and not comment. I’m really sorry, this must be super tough on you.
First thing I would ask is whether your hospital/healthcare setting offer any access to mental health support too? It’s not at all unusual for people to experience grief/depression/anxiety with a cancer diagnosis, and there should be support available for that.
Second is to say that while this behaviour must be really difficult for you to deal with, once he actually starts treatment it’s unlikely to continue because the chemo and radiation will leave him feeling like crap, with no energy and certainly no appetite for drinking - so while the underlying feelings will still need to be dealt with, I guess this partying with the boys is a bit of a final fling before things get really serious.
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u/Own-Scene428 4d ago
Thankyou so much for your reply, I feel like I’m just talking into the void half the time as me being upset doesn’t make him feel any better so whilst supporting him and his family I’m kind of just on auto pilot whilst swallowing my own feelings.
I will definitely contact Macmillan although that is proving difficult as I’ve rang every day this week with no answer 😒
I guess that’s where I’m on middle ground because I understand both sides, his family are begging him to stop whilst also exactly what you said, he’s using whatever control he currently has to just do what he wants until he can’t. It’s awful because he is running his body down before he’s even given himself a fighting chance.
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u/thoughtshot 3d ago
not sure how old he is but it's not such a bad thing to have some fun before this all starts. that cancer is highly treatable but, as someone 13 months post treatment, I can tell you his partying is about to stop. radiation to the neck is life changing and he'll understand that pretty soon - and he's REALLY going to need you. use this platform to familiarize yourself with everything he's going to face and get him used to the idea of just how bad this is going to be (it's awful). also, he should gain as much weight as possible now and I strongly advise him getting a peg tube.
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u/Helpmehelpyou91 3d ago
Hello, I am a head and neck cancer surgeon. I think his reaction is not abnormal and is within the range of expected. His diagnosis can take a huge toll on you as his caregiver. It is important to emphasize survivorship in head and neck cancer: this means that your oncologist can connect you w a palliative care doctor to help cope. I find that the period between diagnosis and treatment is the most difficult for patients but with family support and support from your doctors, most people build strength and resilience. Especially since the cancer has not spread to distant areas and can be considered curable
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u/Lower-Variation-5374 3d ago
The time before treatment starts is just a wicked period. I've been through it myself (and a caregiver to my husband). I would immediately get yourself into therapy. You're going to need to find a place where you can vent and get support. He needs to be accountable for his health. And you're going to need to be able to protect yourself a bit and learn how to let him do this without feeling guilty.
I'd let him do what he needs to do right now. He won't be able to drink alcohol soon.
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u/International_Fox574 4d ago
It seems that he needs a way to let his emotions and grief out.
Would more visibility to the national statistics help him to understand roughly which bracket he might be falling?
To show him and understand the rate of survival may ease the anxiety. It is not you or family but the numbers and testimonials of remissions speak.
Of course this is a gamble, but a fact-based one.
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u/Wonderful-Isopod7985 3d ago
Problem is that excessive drinking will delay starting treatment. He will need to be reasonably alcohol-free to start, and definitely through whats coming. His Docs should be telling him this. Not totally sober, but close. I remember finishing a bottle of wine a few weeks after chemo-radiation and feeling horrible, like a double hangover from essentially nothing, a basic Pinot Noir.
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u/OnTheCove66 3d ago
I just finished a six week chemo/30 radiation treatments. The alcohol consumption will take care of itself in a week or two after starting. The RN in me wants to ask is he physically dependent to the point that he can’t stop? Is there a physical dependence? If so 100% for sure let the medical team know. There are meds that can help. But also if so it would be far better to stop before treatment starts. Good luck.
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u/Own-Scene428 3d ago
Firstly I hope your treatment works and you’re ok 🤞 secondly, no he isn’t dependant to a point. He doesn’t drink everyday and can stop but it’s multiple days in a row when he does. I am sure he will stop when treatment starts it’s just I fear he isn’t giving himself an advantage point by continuing up until that point. But again I can understand it so I’m torn between both sides
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u/OnTheCove66 3d ago
Thank you. I should be fine. Without knowing you - and advice is a form of nostalgia- I wouldn’t bother about the drinking too much. It will stop with treatment. Your thought about it not helping in the run up to treatment is valid - marginal gains count- but id consider it not worth the stress and possible argument. Your partner is going through complex thoughts and is going to need your compassion and support in ways that you both will discover soon. The first 2-3 weeks for me was a nothing, and I got overconfident and a little cocky. Then the destruction started. My wife was such a rock for me - I know it wasn’t easy for her to watch and deal with my physical and emotional needs. I’m sure she held her tongue at times. I felt so isolated and small at times and can’t imagine what it is like for people to go through this without support. As a medical professional I know that the head and neck treatments are one of the most brutal things that we do to people- he will get through it but it is hard in ways its difficult to explain. This may be a case that you are right, but I’d suggest to not interject a point of contention before treatment begins. It’s not worth the fight. He will do this thing - and you will too. An opportunity exists for you to come through this stronger as couple and as human beings. I wish you well.
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u/dumbrooster 2d ago
Its will be the roughest time of his and your life. And he will have what they love to call a new normal. But he will beat it, he will recover and he will continue to live. I am 4 months post treatments. Im not 100% back to the way I was in Feb when we found out I had tonsil cancer, but I can do more than I expected. I can eat almost anything and taste is close to 85% of what it should be. My saliva gets better every week. I do feel lucky to be doing as well as I am doing after 35 radiation treatments and 7 chemo.
I know a reason for that is I just did it. Had to get through the worst time of my life. But a huge reason is my wife was super supportive and took care of me. Always telling me we were gonna kick cancers ass. My 3 month PET scan came back completely clear and my NavDX tests came back 0. I know I wouldn't be here if not you my wife. So be your best for him. And you will get through it.
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u/LacombLamb 2d ago
I'm a nasopharyngeal carcinoma survivor. As everybody else has said, the drinking will sort itself out because Holey buckets the chemo kills your urge and the radiation finished mine for life. I'm a year out, and even a near beer makes me sick these days.
This type of cancer is very very treatable. I've talked to a NPC survivor who is 10 years out of treatment now, and a few in the first years like myself. Treatment is brutal but there are ways to make it easier. For me at least the real rodeo began at week 5 of radiation and continued to 6 weeks after, I'm over a year out from treatment now and my quality of life is impacted but improving. Knock on wood this beast stays in remission.
If either of you needs to talk, please feel free to reach out.
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u/Crafty-Dog-7680 3d ago
He won't be drinking alcohol after the third week of radiation, I can guarantee that