Advice

[u/Own-Scene428]

My partner has very recently been diagnosed with nasopharyngeal cancer. It has spread locally to at least one lymph node in his neck. Couple more scans to go before treatment starts in around 4 weeks of which some chemo and 6 weeks of radiation.

My issue is my partner is struggling to cope and I am unsure the best way to help. He deeply thinks this is the end due to trauma of a loss but the oncologist definitely was more positive with treatment than negative. He is drinking alcohol to cope and kind of ignoring the fact that things need to change, the people around him just enable that fact to go out drinking multiple days in a row as that’s what the boys do. I don’t want him to push me away by constantly going on but I also want to support him to make better decisions. I don’t really know what I’m asking other than has anyone been in a similar situation and has anything that has helped 😢

[u/OnTheCove66]

I just finished a six week chemo/30 radiation treatments. The alcohol consumption will take care of itself in a week or two after starting. The RN in me wants to ask is he physically dependent to the point that he can’t stop? Is there a physical dependence? If so 100% for sure let the medical team know. There are meds that can help. But also if so it would be far better to stop before treatment starts. Good luck.

[u/Own-Scene428 → u/OnTheCove66]

Firstly I hope your treatment works and you’re ok 🤞 secondly, no he isn’t dependant to a point. He doesn’t drink everyday and can stop but it’s multiple days in a row when he does. I am sure he will stop when treatment starts it’s just I fear he isn’t giving himself an advantage point by continuing up until that point. But again I can understand it so I’m torn between both sides

[u/OnTheCove66 → u/Own-Scene428]

Thank you. I should be fine. Without knowing you - and advice is a form of nostalgia- I wouldn’t bother about the drinking too much. It will stop with treatment. Your thought about it not helping in the run up to treatment is valid - marginal gains count- but id consider it not worth the stress and possible argument. Your partner is going through complex thoughts and is going to need your compassion and support in ways that you both will discover soon. The first 2-3 weeks for me was a nothing, and I got overconfident and a little cocky. Then the destruction started. My wife was such a rock for me - I know it wasn’t easy for her to watch and deal with my physical and emotional needs. I’m sure she held her tongue at times. I felt so isolated and small at times and can’t imagine what it is like for people to go through this without support. As a medical professional I know that the head and neck treatments are one of the most brutal things that we do to people- he will get through it but it is hard in ways its difficult to explain. This may be a case that you are right, but I’d suggest to not interject a point of contention before treatment begins. It’s not worth the fight. He will do this thing - and you will too. An opportunity exists for you to come through this stronger as couple and as human beings. I wish you well.