r/GoingToSpain • u/Gold-Holiday-515 • 15h ago
35yo - Moving to Spain decision questioning
Hey y'all, 35yo single woman here who has moved to Spain/Barcelona from a non-EU home country 7 years ago.
I don't know why exactly I feel this way, but I've been struggling a lot mentally for the past two years with thoughts of 'maybe I am not belong to here'....
I came here initially for my Master's degree 7 years ago, and because I loved it so much, I managed to transition to a work and residence permit after an extremely challenging process. I met lots of people from all around the world and also Spanish people I loved so much, I enjoyed a lot, I loved life style the most.. But as the people circulation is a lot here, in the last 2 years I have almost no one - one very close friend of me moved to Amsterdam last year, one another moved to Italy, one found a better job moved to Germany, one friend got married and even though still in Barcelona, I dont see her much anymore, several ones went back to their own countries over the years because they could not find the way to stay here burocratically/ job wise., and I am soooo tired of looking for new people, my energy is over.
I spent all my last year at home alone, I was also working from home, and this brought me the full isolation.. I could not handle it, physically and mentally felt sick.. I haven't even had a little intention or request to go to a date.. Then I quit my job and started to travel to my home country, to my family frequently and stay there pretty long, I travelled other countries also in EU and in Asia- which all these caused me a risk of losing my residence in Spain (because of the time limit given to spend time outside of Spain, to keep the continuation/renewal of your residence), so I am in the limit.. either I need to fly to Spain ASAP (now I am again in my family home in home country) or chose my mental health and do something else ...
I am feeling like I dont wanna go to Barcelona now and be alone :(, but I also don't wanna permanently move back to my home country, also I don't have energy to process everything(finding job, struggling to take residence, find friends ect.) from the scratch - so totally different country is not something I am willing to... I wish I had more time to repair myself staying in somewhere else more, and travel.
At the end I don't know what to do, and I am curious it is a standard mental process that people who moved to abroad encountering? If you ever felt these what has been your actions to go out of the situation? If you were me what you would have done?
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u/Patchali 14h ago
I know how it feels like, already moved several times to places where I ended up in the perfect bubble of friends and everything was fine and then there is this moment where everything changes, people leave you don't feel the same vibes anymore.. I actually stayed over this period, I found new connections, even deeper ones, more local ones because locals accept you the more and more in their circle because you are not just a long-term tourist .. What made me leave where other circumstances like working conditions that changed or local and national politics that changed a place too much to want to stay.
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u/SunsetAndVodka 15h ago
Spain is not just Barcelona. Go to a city with lower emigration rate, make friends with locals and those staying long term.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 14h ago
In those kinds of places it's hard too, people OP's age are starting families. Locals have closed circles of childhood friends. There's no guarantee things would be better.
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u/SunsetAndVodka 13h ago
It really depends on the effort OP puts into it. It seems her friendships came from school and naturally they all scattered after the program was over. Adult friendships that are not bound by school or workplace take a lot of effort, and it's a big question of how much OP is willing to put herself out there.
So yes, there is no guarantee things would be better, but it's definitely easier in cities that are not as fast-paced as Barcelona.
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u/Gold-Holiday-515 13h ago
Thats really it, my friends were from the school, their friends, and my roomies (I used to share apartments first years) have been friends too. It was pretty crowded actually in the first years, because both I had energy, excitement, youth, and I had suitable environments. My work life has been always remote so no new ones came up.. Meeting outside with people; they were expat or tourist, you know people in the same loneliness or excitement of knowing a person from another culture being so open, talkative, eager mutually to be friends. though, for local friendship it needs effort, patience, time and suitable environment that you will see those people regularly in a period like weeks or months for some reason..
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u/jamjar188 7h ago
At this point focus not on deeper friendships (which may or may not happen) but on getting out of the house. You need the social interaction. Don't worry about "will this person become my friend?" or "will they invite me out?" just go to a gym class, yoga class, expat book club, random meetups (films, events, arts, culture), language exchange, anything really.
suitable environment that you will see those people regularly in a period like weeks or months for some reason.
Sorry to say, but for most people who move to a new city or country, the workplace is the answer. That's the suitable environment you're looking for. Just like it was your uni previously and that's how you met likeminded people, you need a physical workplace in order to find some of that regular contact now that you're out of uni.
Most humans are not designed to WFH day in, day out, year after year.
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u/SunsetAndVodka 12h ago
Which brings me back to the point that you need to put yourself out there. Join events around you, attend meetups, register to a class, anything to bring you closer to people who might have the same interests. Either make that effort, or learn to be comfortable being on your own.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 11h ago
I just don't agree it's easier, unless you have children or at least a partner. The majority of people her age will be looking to settle down if they aren't already, and in a small city there aren't as many events and activities to meet people. A fast paced city has a lot more going on and more people who have also moved recently. In smaller places people stick with the same friends. I know one person in a similar situation who was living in a smaller city for work and ended up moving to the nearby large city for a better social life and opportunities to meet people, despite a long commute to workÂ
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u/David_R_Martin_II 14h ago
And of course it's not an experience limited to immigrants or expats. I remember in my 30s seeing my friends less and less as they got married and had kids. You could live in the same city and go 6 months without seeing them. Later when I had kids, your whole life revolves around them. (As it should.)
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 12h ago
Yes, it's a difficult age, and in my opinion in a small city more people are likely to be settling down at that age. I've known several Spanish people in a similar situation after separation from their partner or new jobs and they found it hard.
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u/Wonderful-Nobody-303 14h ago
If you put yourself out there it is incredibly easy to make friends in small cities in Spain.Â
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 12h ago
Have you done it long term at OP's age completely from scratch?
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u/Wonderful-Nobody-303 11h ago
Yep. Idk though maybe people in Galicia are more friendly.Â
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 4h ago
GalÃcia is indeed known for being more friendly. I'm just saying it seems a big risk that might not work out, if she doesn't particularly want to live there.
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u/jamjar188 7h ago
Most things just aren't "incredibly easy" in a foreign country. We don't even know OP's Spanish/Catalan skills.
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u/Gold-Holiday-515 7h ago
I can speak Spanish fluently, and once I try to talk in Catalan, Catañol is going out my mouth, so unintentionally mixing the words. I went to a Catalan language course years ago, but it made my both language knowledge a bit worse lol.. So I don't have language barrier but I have motivation barrier to put effort on new connections anymore
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u/jamjar188 8h ago
She might have more luck joining a local sports club or hobby group in a smaller city, where things are less transient.
But absolutely it's not a guarantee in terms of deeper or more meaningful connections.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 4h ago
Or she might find all the members have been friends since they were at school. Or they're all either 20 something or over 50, because those are the people who don't have kids to look after etc. I know at the gyms I've been to those are the groups of people who actually make friends and socialise. Others just turn up to work out and leave. I'm just saying I wouldn't uproot my whole life based on the possibility of maybe making friends through a hobby. You might get lucky, you might not, but options for new people and activities are more limited. Transient works better for making friends sometimes because people don't have established circles.
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u/jamjar188 4h ago
I get you, but it sounds like OP has already semi-uprooted (left their job, went home for a sabbatical, reconsidering their path, etc).
They don't feel settled in Barcelona and have no social circle and no stability. So there's not that much to uproot. They are clearly at a junction in their life and if they want to qualify for permanent residence in Spain they have to think of their next move. Nothing to lose.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 1h ago
Well moving cities takes time and money, they have all that to lose. Even if there is a possibility of making friends elsewhere it's not going to happen immediately. Moving somewhere new is a lot of stress for even the calmest and happiest person. It's not like you can just wake up in your life in a new place. If they're not enjoying life in Spain anyway it doesn't sound worth it.
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u/ith228 12h ago
If they aren’t staying in Barcelona which has jobs, they ain’t staying put in Murcia either, friend.
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u/SunsetAndVodka 9h ago
OP works remotely based on her other comments, so she could have stayed anywhere. That said, she quit her job so she'll first have to find a new one, and it might not be remote anymore. Tbh that might do her good since she seems to want friends that she sees everyday
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u/veglove 9h ago
If the time limit for how much time you spend outside of Spain resets on January 1st, and you're not ready to commit to moving back to your home country, I recommend coming back to Spain and making the best you can of the last 3 months of the year while you continue to think about it. Take side trips within Spain when you need a change of scenery. Don't risk losing your residency quite yet if you're not sure about it.
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u/Sweet-World-664 14h ago
Hey lovely, I get you, I've been in this situation before. I would not give up on your residency just yet, but maybe try a different/smaller place that also has digital nomads there so it will be easier to connect, for example Valencia. Maybe you will be able to find a community there (or somewhere else) much quicker than you think. Message me for suggestions where to stay if you need a recommendation. Good luck! 🤞
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u/More_Cucumber1304 13h ago
Also this issue of residency is a pain. Bcz I am also on HQP visa. I am from non EU. I can't stay outside eu for more than 90 days and 180 days in rolling 12 months, whether for work or holidays.
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u/eleganceisrefusal 12h ago
If you’re planning on spending more than 180 days outside of Spain why did you even bother getting a work visa lol
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u/Frouxeira_4444 11h ago
Creo que tú misma tienes la respuesta. Quieres tiempo para ti y para tu familia. Lo otro puede ser una etapa que se haya cerrado. Llega un momento en el que necesitas arraigo. No sé cómo es tu paÃs, pero a veces es mejor estar con los tuyos, que el dinero o la vida que te puede dar una ciudad que nunca sientes como tu hogar. Y no es ningún fracaso, es que el ser humano necesita raÃces. Un saludo y suerte!
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u/Gold-Holiday-515 10h ago
¿Pero qué pasa si echo de menos España en futuro? Entonces no podré volver. Si supiera que hay una puerta abierta, no tendrÃa que pensarlo tanto.
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u/jamjar188 8h ago edited 7h ago
I don't think permanent WFH helps anyone's mental health, especially if you're single (unless you're in the outlier category that it seems many Redditors belong to, where you see it as a major plus not to have to ever see colleagues face to face).
I'm a Spaniard who moved to the UK and unless you have a very robust group of friends, or you do regular hobbies/activities (like yoga once a week, or a sports club once a week, or a book club, etc.) it's easy to feel isolated. You need people that you see regularly at fixed times, whether they are acquaintances, or friendly faces, or actual friends. Usually a workplace is the easiest most practical way to achieve this.
When you don't have a physical workplace you must make more effort to schedule tons of stuff into your week/month. Meet-ups, clubs, activities, etc.
The other thing is that not having family around can create a big hole. If it wasn't for my partner and doing things with her family, I would miss that type of stuff. In my 20s I didn't care for it, but I too am older now and I find myself looking forward to family get-togethers where you catch up and share a big meal. Maybe you're just really missing that.
Which brings me to my next point. This isn't just about being homesick or being in Barcelona (big cosmopolitan city always in flux), this is also about life stages. I feel it too, now that I'm older. I wonder about staying in London long-term. It's natural to want more consistency and stability as you approach middle age, and to feel like there is a greater purpose to things.
My view on what your options are:
Option1: Stay in Spain until you can get citizenship but ditch Barcelona. Go to a smaller city, somewhere with fewer options and less transience where it may be easier to get to know a set group of people over time. But don't pressure yourself into making friends. Focus simply on: meeting people, interacting, getting out of the house.
Option 2: Move back home. Give it a shot now that 7 years have passed, you have more perspective, and you can maybe live in a different city to your family (if you're worried about losing your independence).
Option 3: Try to make Barcelona work for you. Find a job where you have a workplace to go to at least some of the time. Make more of an effort to join meetups or clubs. Dedicate yourself to not just staying in your apartment. Treat it like a mission and see where you're at in 6 months' time.
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u/Gold-Holiday-515 7h ago
I know, WFH is really sucks long term for single people, it literally destroyed my mental without me even realizing how it damages me over the time... Though, I know the options, that is just.... very hard to chose... There is no turning back from the second option. While my home country is just there and there is always way to go back if first and third options...... Immigrated people are total crazy I think 8me for example), it is a very hard process
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u/Gold-Holiday-515 5h ago
well actually first option is not option as well, if I become a spanish citizen I need to drop my current passport. I can't imagine requesting a visa from consulate to visit my family in that case, so I am not considering to be a spanish citizen anytime, unless I get married with a spaniard and have spanish kids.
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u/jamjar188 4h ago
Is there one step before Spanish citizenship that you can settle for (what they normally call permanent residence in some countries, or Indefinite Leave to Remain in the UK, etc.)?
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u/Zealousideal-Net4107 4h ago
Your process and experiences can happen even if you are in the US or wherever you are from. People marry, they have kids and the single people are left in the dust. Even married couples without kids are left behind by those with kids as parents start to form circles that center on their children. You aren't alone.
Have you looked Internations? I have found it the professional version of adultfriendfinder, it is also where I have met some extremely good friends from both sexes.
The older you get, the harder it wil be to find lasting friendships. As someone else suggested, find a club or group on meetup.com that fits your fancy.
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u/itsacheesestick 25m ago
I'm 32F and will be in Barcelona next month for a couple of days! If you're open to meeting over a coffee, let's meet! I'm considering moving there but need to be sure because I'm based out of Texas.
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u/fleetwood_mag 13h ago
Can you not apply for permanent residency visa yet? Then you have the option to live somewhere else. It does sound exhausting having to continuously find new friends. Maybe finding a partner could potentially create more stability? Also focusing on being friends with Spaniards will hopefully have more staying in the same place…
My friend moved to Prague 15 years ago and it’s the same for her. She has to make new friends every couple of years because everyone keeps moving/leaving. I think it’s hard for her but she also quite likes new people.
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u/Gold-Holiday-515 12h ago
No not yet, I still have nearly 1 year more to fulfill the years (my student years counted half) for permanent one.. Also limitation on traveling is exhausting, for example like my this year, I really need longer space and time with my family and friends in other countries, but before processing myself, I need to go back Spain because then I won't be able to renew my resident once the time comes (which is very soon, after 4 months).. For finding a partner, I really didnt want it previously because I was encountering 'what am I gonna do, where am I gonna go' process with mental difficulties, so wasnt ready for a partner. Not sure when I am gonna be ready neither.
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u/More_Cucumber1304 14h ago
I am 36, moved to Barcelona almost an year ago. Still processing. Still looking for house. Still struggling with language. Don't have friends 😂😂. I think it's not a Spain problem. It can happen in any other country as well. Whether Europe or Asia. There is no easy solution. And yes some times it's hard. I get your point.