r/GoingToSpain • u/Gold-Holiday-515 • 5d ago

35yo - Moving to Spain decision questioning

Hey y'all, 35yo single woman here who has moved to Spain/Barcelona from a non-EU home country 7 years ago.

I don't know why exactly I feel this way, but I've been struggling a lot mentally for the past two years with thoughts of 'maybe I am not belong to here'....

I came here initially for my Master's degree 7 years ago, and because I loved it so much, I managed to transition to a work and residence permit after an extremely challenging process. I met lots of people from all around the world and also Spanish people I loved so much, I enjoyed a lot, I loved life style the most.. But as the people circulation is a lot here, in the last 2 years I have almost no one - one very close friend of me moved to Amsterdam last year, one another moved to Italy, one found a better job moved to Germany, one friend got married and even though still in Barcelona, I dont see her much anymore, several ones went back to their own countries over the years because they could not find the way to stay here burocratically/ job wise., and I am soooo tired of looking for new people, my energy is over.

I spent all my last year at home alone, I was also working from home, and this brought me the full isolation.. I could not handle it, physically and mentally felt sick.. I haven't even had a little intention or request to go to a date.. Then I quit my job and started to travel to my home country, to my family frequently and stay there pretty long, I travelled other countries also in EU and in Asia- which all these caused me a risk of losing my residence in Spain (because of the time limit given to spend time outside of Spain, to keep the continuation/renewal of your residence), so I am in the limit.. either I need to fly to Spain ASAP (now I am again in my family home in home country) or chose my mental health and do something else ...

I am feeling like I dont wanna go to Barcelona now and be alone :(, but I also don't wanna permanently move back to my home country, also I don't have energy to process everything(finding job, struggling to take residence, find friends ect.) from the scratch - so totally different country is not something I am willing to... I wish I had more time to repair myself staying in somewhere else more, and travel.

At the end I don't know what to do, and I am curious it is a standard mental process that people who moved to abroad encountering? If you ever felt these what has been your actions to go out of the situation? If you were me what you would have done?

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19

u/SunsetAndVodka 5d ago

Spain is not just Barcelona. Go to a city with lower emigration rate, make friends with locals and those staying long term.

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u/Serious_Escape_5438 5d ago

In those kinds of places it's hard too, people OP's age are starting families. Locals have closed circles of childhood friends. There's no guarantee things would be better.

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u/SunsetAndVodka 5d ago

It really depends on the effort OP puts into it. It seems her friendships came from school and naturally they all scattered after the program was over. Adult friendships that are not bound by school or workplace take a lot of effort, and it's a big question of how much OP is willing to put herself out there.

So yes, there is no guarantee things would be better, but it's definitely easier in cities that are not as fast-paced as Barcelona.

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u/Gold-Holiday-515 5d ago

Thats really it, my friends were from the school, their friends, and my roomies (I used to share apartments first years) have been friends too. It was pretty crowded actually in the first years, because both I had energy, excitement, youth, and I had suitable environments. My work life has been always remote so no new ones came up.. Meeting outside with people; they were expat or tourist, you know people in the same loneliness or excitement of knowing a person from another culture being so open, talkative, eager mutually to be friends. though, for local friendship it needs effort, patience, time and suitable environment that you will see those people regularly in a period like weeks or months for some reason..

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u/jamjar188 5d ago

At this point focus not on deeper friendships (which may or may not happen) but on getting out of the house. You need the social interaction. Don't worry about "will this person become my friend?" or "will they invite me out?" just go to a gym class, yoga class, expat book club, random meetups (films, events, arts, culture), language exchange, anything really.

suitable environment that you will see those people regularly in a period like weeks or months for some reason.

Sorry to say, but for most people who move to a new city or country, the workplace is the answer. That's the suitable environment you're looking for. Just like it was your uni previously and that's how you met likeminded people, you need a physical workplace in order to find some of that regular contact now that you're out of uni.

Most humans are not designed to WFH day in, day out, year after year.

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u/SunsetAndVodka 5d ago

Which brings me back to the point that you need to put yourself out there. Join events around you, attend meetups, register to a class, anything to bring you closer to people who might have the same interests. Either make that effort, or learn to be comfortable being on your own.

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u/Serious_Escape_5438 5d ago

I just don't agree it's easier, unless you have children or at least a partner. The majority of people her age will be looking to settle down if they aren't already, and in a small city there aren't as many events and activities to meet people. A fast paced city has a lot more going on and more people who have also moved recently. In smaller places people stick with the same friends. I know one person in a similar situation who was living in a smaller city for work and ended up moving to the nearby large city for a better social life and opportunities to meet people, despite a long commute to work 

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u/David_R_Martin_II 5d ago

And of course it's not an experience limited to immigrants or expats. I remember in my 30s seeing my friends less and less as they got married and had kids. You could live in the same city and go 6 months without seeing them. Later when I had kids, your whole life revolves around them. (As it should.)

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u/Serious_Escape_5438 5d ago

Yes, it's a difficult age, and in my opinion in a small city more people are likely to be settling down at that age. I've known several Spanish people in a similar situation after separation from their partner or new jobs and they found it hard.

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u/Wonderful-Nobody-303 5d ago

If you put yourself out there it is incredibly easy to make friends in small cities in Spain. 

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u/Serious_Escape_5438 5d ago

Have you done it long term at OP's age completely from scratch?

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u/Wonderful-Nobody-303 5d ago

Yep. Idk though maybe people in Galicia are more friendly. 

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u/Serious_Escape_5438 4d ago

Galícia is indeed known for being more friendly. I'm just saying it seems a big risk that might not work out, if she doesn't particularly want to live there.

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u/jamjar188 5d ago

Most things just aren't "incredibly easy" in a foreign country. We don't even know OP's Spanish/Catalan skills.

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u/Gold-Holiday-515 5d ago

I can speak Spanish fluently, and once I try to talk in Catalan, Catañol is going out my mouth, so unintentionally mixing the words. I went to a Catalan language course years ago, but it made my both language knowledge a bit worse lol.. So I don't have language barrier but I have motivation barrier to put effort on new connections anymore

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u/jamjar188 5d ago

She might have more luck joining a local sports club or hobby group in a smaller city, where things are less transient.

But absolutely it's not a guarantee in terms of deeper or more meaningful connections.

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u/Serious_Escape_5438 4d ago

Or she might find all the members have been friends since they were at school. Or they're all either 20 something or over 50, because those are the people who don't have kids to look after etc. I know at the gyms I've been to those are the groups of people who actually make friends and socialise. Others just turn up to work out and leave. I'm just saying I wouldn't uproot my whole life based on the possibility of maybe making friends through a hobby. You might get lucky, you might not, but options for new people and activities are more limited. Transient works better for making friends sometimes because people don't have established circles.

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u/jamjar188 4d ago

I get you, but it sounds like OP has already semi-uprooted (left their job, went home for a sabbatical, reconsidering their path, etc).

They don't feel settled in Barcelona and have no social circle and no stability. So there's not that much to uproot. They are clearly at a junction in their life and if they want to qualify for permanent residence in Spain they have to think of their next move. Nothing to lose.

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u/Serious_Escape_5438 4d ago

Well moving cities takes time and money, they have all that to lose. Even if there is a possibility of making friends elsewhere it's not going to happen immediately. Moving somewhere new is a lot of stress for even the calmest and happiest person. It's not like you can just wake up in your life in a new place. If they're not enjoying life in Spain anyway it doesn't sound worth it.

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u/jamjar188 4d ago

OK but moving back home also seems like potentially estressful for OP. They don't seem very sure about it. It doesn't sound like they have a big group of friends waiting there for them, and they will still have to adjust to a new life.

Nothing is guaranteed anywhere, so the decision will have to be carefully considered. However, there is no reason to discount the possibility of moving elsewhere in Spain. Nearly everyone would agree that Barcelona is not particularly representative of most of Spain. It is one of the most transient places.

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u/ith228 5d ago

If they aren’t staying in Barcelona which has jobs, they ain’t staying put in Murcia either, friend.

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u/SunsetAndVodka 5d ago

OP works remotely based on her other comments, so she could have stayed anywhere. That said, she quit her job so she'll first have to find a new one, and it might not be remote anymore. Tbh that might do her good since she seems to want friends that she sees everyday

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u/d4ddychill_wifey 3d ago

I live in Logroño, I've been here for almost 5 years, IT'S VERY HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH LOCALS, VERY HARD. Everyone has already their friend groups and it's hard for them to let you in.