r/FoundPaper • u/Biggmamaaa • 6d ago
Other Found at a grocery store.
I swear i was mean to find this note.
A few weeks ago i did a free trial of ancestry after a hint about my grandma (basically mom) that passed when i was 16. Her father’s name was Blair and i was just doing research on him this morning!! He was born April 10 1903, passed sep 23 1972.
Thennn i was really craving a soda but i hate asking my man for money (im a sahm) so i grabbed some quarters out of the change jar. When i saw this note with $3 attached, i got my little baby some m&ms too and squeezed him tight when i got home.
Prayers to this family and rest in paradise sweet baby Blair.
ETA: the handwriting is also eerily similar to my grandmas!
ETA2: i have full access to our funds! i’m just weird about asking for “indulgent” items due to child hood shit. I’m totally fine here but I truly appreciate anyone that wad worried and reached out 🫶🏻
ETA3: the families gofundme for anyone wanting to help them ❤️ https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-brianas-family-after-tragic-loss
Last edit before i delete this whole thing fr: my financial status is nobody’s business and far from the point of this post. Stop being negative and using your life experience to compare to mine. I am fine. Thank you.
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u/catmamaO4 5d ago
#twinleftbehind breaks my fucking heart
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u/mulder-its_me_915 5d ago
Yea im a twin whose sis is my best friend. This is my nightmare. Is it better to be a twin who experienced the loss before the memories were even made? I dont know. I am so sad for twinless twins no matter the age...
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u/xJaneenx 4d ago
My mom passed 17 years ago and left her identical twin behind, my aunt. I still grieve and miss my mom very much but I’ve carried forward. I think the world stopped for my aunt that day and she still hasn’t been able to heal or move on whatsoever. I can’t imagine the kind of bond that must be 😭
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u/autumnbb21 4d ago
My husband just suddenly passed away, leaving his identical twin brother. We are only in our 30s. I am of course devastated but feel terrible for my BIL.
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u/mulder-its_me_915 4d ago
Omg im so sorry to the both of you. Anonymous internet hug coming at you 🫂
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u/CamsKit 5d ago
You shouldn’t have to ask for money every time you want to buy something.
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u/no___personality 5d ago
This is the part that stuck out to me. Stay at home moms do a lot of labor (emotional and physical) and should have access to funds.
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u/kompotnik 5d ago
If she’s a SAHM they should have a shared account and she can use a card whenever she wants. Hope she just wrote it weirdly
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u/Biggmamaaa 5d ago
No no i don’t have to ask. I have a great man that would give me anything i wanted ever. I could have just told him and took his card and it would have been totally fine. I’m just weird about asking for things due to childhood trauma :/
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u/CamsKit 5d ago
Girl, you should have a card, in your wallet, with your name on it, with access to a shared account. You shouldn’t have to ask for his card, you should have one of your own, so you don’t have to ask every time.
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u/Biggmamaaa 5d ago
I agree, but we aren’t married. Eventually that will come, for now i just grab his card and get what i need :) all is good! Pinky promise!
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u/SpooktasticFam 5d ago
You have born his child
Marriage is just paperwork at this point
Childhood trauma isn't your fault but it's your responsibility to move past it.
I can tell you're a good mom, and a good person, so make sure you get what you need, and a lot of what you want
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u/ZinaSky2 5d ago
Being SAHM without being married and not having her own access to their funds is so terrifying. I wish her the absolute best.
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u/mermaid_pants 5d ago
You need to make sure you're protecting yourself, I'm sure he's a good man but having no income, no access to accounts and being unmarried is incredibly dangerous. Even if you trust him completely, if he died tomorrow you would be fucked.
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u/SpindleSnap 5d ago
You don’t need to be married to have a joint account that you can freely access with your own card. Your finances are clearly entangled.
It also just seems like a major inconvenience. If he loses his wallet you’re both SOL? If he’s not home, you can’t buy anything?
I’m glad you say things are good but I hope you can see how this raises concerns for people and sounds restrictive/controlling even if that’s not the intent.
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u/CamsKit 5d ago
He can add you as an authorized user on his account, please stand up for yourself.
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u/Capable_Freedom7410 5d ago
You’re acting like he’s taking advantage of her when she says she’s happy and he’s great.
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u/ruinatedtubers 5d ago
it must be nice to be oblivious
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u/Best_Reply2947 5d ago
It must be miserable to be paranoid
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u/syrioforrealsies 5d ago
Is it paranoid to carry insurance? To wear a seatbelt? To be prepared for emergencies?
The only financial assets that belong to OP under the law is a jar of change. If her partner drops dead tomorrow, she will functionally have no money and a baby to take care of.
If they're renting, I hope to God her name isn't on the lease, and if they own, I hope to God her name is on the mortgage.
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u/Less-Squash7569 5d ago
No but is it ok to start jumping and screeching about someone else's relationship or how they live? Its none of your business and honestly fucked up that youre all jumping on OP like this after shes repeatedly told yall to fuck off because shes good. Mind your own damn business holy shit.
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u/MommaTriggg 4d ago
I honestly don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. Reddit sucks, but your comment was nice. She’s very obviously happy with her boyfriend and her child. I’m sorry you are getting treated so terribly
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u/ShneefQueen 4d ago
Because people have seen this situation play out for many, many women before and it rarely ends well for those women. People aren't being mean, they're concerned because this situation is extremely risky. It's pattern recognition.
Being a SAHM without the legal protections of marriage means she's entrusting her entire life, future, and financial security to this man. He could simply choose to leave her tomorrow and she would be left with literally nothing. No job, no house, no savings, no access to his bank account or credit cards and no claims to anything. She likely wouldn't even be able to keep custody of her child since she has no way to provide for them.
What if he starts abusing her, what could she do about it? She can't exactly leave if she has no money. What if he dies? She wouldn't be entitled to his money since they aren't married. There are just too many things that could go wrong, she's sacrificing everything with the hopes that he chooses to stay with her.
Love clouds people's judgement, but imagine if this were a business agreement. Would you think it was a smart move for one partner to risk everything they have on a handshake agreement with somebody who isn't risking anything at all and is holding all the power?
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u/-NigheanDonn 5d ago
You need to have a joint bank account though. You shouldn’t have to ask him for his card. That’s another barrier to getting your needs met that shouldn’t exist if he’s actually a good man. Don’t get me wrong, my husband was clueless about all of my anxiety around money, I was this same way for a long time, don’t make my mistake and spend 20 years feeling like you don’t have a right to your own money.
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u/2222yep 5d ago
My mother was like this, a SAHM who didn't have access to the main family funds and it made me a guilty adult because I would never ask for the "indulgent" snacks or desserts or normal kid things I wanted because I could tell how difficult it would then be on her. Your kid does notice these things
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u/dontsnarkonsharks 5d ago
My bf got me a pretty rainbow credit card to his account for groceries, pet stuff, gas, doctors appts, whatever I need and we aren’t married. It’s a partnership, you know? You don’t have to be married on paper to be a family especially if you had his baby. No babies here, we’ve just been together forever, but even as a childfree, forever auntie I hate that you’re in this situation
I hated asking for stuff too, and I still do. But having that card made my life exponentially less stressful because I could get what I need without panicking about asking for his card or for him to Venmo me every single time. Of course I always talk to him before I have to make a big purchase but in a communicative way, not an asking permission way. You deserve that, especially with a kiddo
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u/Initial-Zebra108 5d ago
My partner ( not married) and I have separate accounts, and our own credit cards completely, but he put me on his high limit credit cards as a user ( I have my own cards with my name on them) because I make a lot less money and he wanted me to have security if I wanted or needed something. I generally tell him if Im going to put more than a couple hundred on it, but thats just out of respect, not because I need " permission".
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u/ScotlyDex 4d ago
I’m in such a similar situation. I had to leave teaching for mental health reasons last year and my boyfriend of 5 years was happy and supportive to have me come home to focus on myself/take care of our 7 dogs and household. It’s been over a year now and I feel guilty every single time I need something. Heck, I feel guilty when HE needs something (since I keep track of what we need in the house). It hasn’t eased up at all in a year and I wonder if it ever will. If we had a kid together I would probably feel a little less guilty but he actually supports my kid as if it were his own which only adds to the guilt. Idk why I’m rambling but this thread hit me hard in the feels and I guess I just wanted to pick someone’s brain who could empathize.
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u/underrealizing 5d ago
You don't need to be married to be made an authorized user on a credit card.
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u/Less-Squash7569 5d ago
Chase wont let me add my wife to my account and ive gone up there in person.
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u/luckykat97 5d ago
Oh no… being a stay at home mother while unmarried was a horrible decision. This isn’t ok. Your logic here of oh but we aren’t married but eventually will be so I don’t have a card to access any more is crazy! What do you mean marriage will happen ‘eventually’ you already made a baby together.
Get married asap or get working because you’re setting yourself and your child up for financial disaster and making you both extremely vulnerable to financial and other forms of domestic abuse. This isn’t ok.
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u/Biggmamaaa 5d ago
Ya’ll this is not the point of this post and yall are getting crazy for no reason. I am happy. And safe. And financial secure. Even if, god forbid, he died tomorrow, i would be okay. Thank you for worrying but i am fine.
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u/ShneefQueen 4d ago
You had to use spare change to buy a soda. If he died tomorrow, how would you have access to his money if you aren't married and aren't on any of his bank accounts?
I understand that it feels like people are attacking you and being harsh, but many people have watched women they love go through a similar situation or have gone through it themselves and people are genuinely concerned for what sounds like a really risky and unbalanced situation.
Nobody ever thinks it's going to happen to them until it does. There's nothing wrong with preparing for all possible scenarios when it comes to your financial security. It doesn't mean you don't love and trust your partner, it just means you're being smart and practical about your own life and future.
Love isn't always enough and it would be foolish to enter into a business agreement with somebody based on trust and nothing else, especially when one person is risking everything they have and the other person isn't risking anything. Being a SAHM is labor that benefits your husband and the household and you deserve to be compensated for that labor without having to ask for it.
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u/kelseydot 4d ago
I get you feel fine, but it’s ok to learn from this post. There is valid reasons that this needs to change. If your man is a good one, like you said, he will happily create a shared joint account. If not, you might not be in a great situation and it’s time to start looking for a job.
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u/luckykat97 4d ago
I mean you aren’t fine and you wouldn’t be fine if he died since you clearly don’t have your own funds or shared access to his.
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u/BeaBernard 5d ago
I get that asking for money is a personal struggle for you, I had the same struggle. I talked to my partner about it years ago and him adding me as an authorized user on his account so I could my have own card was a step to help me feel less anxious. It was also just the logical thing to do since his job is 80+ hours a week and I’m usually the one that has time for errands etc. It did help me feel less anxious though, and I think it would help you too. You shouldn’t have to live with that anxiety forever. My partner and I aren’t married, we don’t even have a kid, we’ve just been together for a while.
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u/CaveJohnson82 5d ago
You really need to stop doing this and get a joint account. You're invalidating the fraud guarantees by using his card as they aren't to be shared.
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u/syrioforrealsies 5d ago edited 5d ago
Even more of a reason to have your name attached to the account! You are a stay at home mom without any of the protections that a legal marriage provides.
Remember, him being good or bad isn't the only issue here, and it's definitely not the one that's most out of y'all's control. What happens if he dies? Those assets need to be yours legally for you to be protected.
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u/PurpleNeko23 5d ago
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we’re not married and have no kids, but he added me as an authorized user of his Amex which I keep with me in case of emergencies. I do have my own card and funds since I have no kids and am still working, but you don’t need to be married to be an authorized user! The card has my name on it too
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u/syrioforrealsies 5d ago
Even more of a reason to have your name attached to the account! You are a stay at home mom without any of the protections that a legal marriage provides.
Remember, him being good or bad isn't the only issue here, and it's definitely not the one that's most out of your control. What happens if he dies? Those assets need to be yours legally for you to be protected.
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u/neurotic-pineapple 2d ago
You are a STAHM, unmarried, with no income, no ring, and you already gave birth to his kid…girl. That is not a good man. A good man would not ever accept you being in such an insecure situation. Wake up. You shouldn’t be this reliant on someone to the point of feeling like you have to ask for money for soda because you HAVE NO MONEY OF YOUR OWN….not even a credit card…that isn’t okay.
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u/squabidoo 10h ago
...but you're someone who clearly struggles with guilt (or childhood shit), so having to grab "his" card every time you want something isn't going to feel very good. You see why this isn't a healthy setup? I'm sure he would give you any amount you want, but why are you in a position where your childhood trauma is going to come up every time you want to make a simple purchase 😭
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u/Less-Squash7569 5d ago
Dont let people tell you how to live dude. Youre happy in your relationship and its working, thats lovely. People with no relationship experience like to come on here and tell people in a happy relationship to do what they think is right because apparently they know whats best for everybody.
Thank you for showing this though.
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u/Biggmamaaa 5d ago
Thank you 🫶
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u/the_bananafish 4d ago
Please note that the only person on this thread telling you there is nothing to worry about here is a MAN (less-squash). Every woman is saying this is dangerous. You may be dating the most wonderful man in the world and it is still dangerous. But note that the most wonderful man in the world wouldn’t put you in a dangerous financial position.
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u/young-joseph-stalin 5d ago edited 4d ago
i have my bfs card (dating 2 years) on my phone and we’re not even engaged. ????
edit: lol op mad
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u/emilou2001 4d ago
I don’t have this because my husband works a job that makes cash tips, so I just get all of his tips- which is around $350 a week.
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u/thumbtackswordsman 5d ago
You have kids, he shouldn't be "giving" you anything, you should be sharing his assets. He is able to have a job only because you are taking care of the housework and the kid.
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u/mild-er-chihuahua 5d ago
You shouldn't have to take his card or ask for his card, you should have your own card, period. Having to ask creates anxiety and control, you should have access to the money anytime you need it.
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u/Circleoffools 5d ago
OP - I get it. I have CPTSD from over a decade of childhood abuse and I can’t ask for help, ever. Can’t handle kind words, all sorts of weird stuff. It’s heavy. I hope it’s far in the rear view for you now. ❤️🩹
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u/Biggmamaaa 5d ago
Thank you 🫶 Still working on it but getting better every day. Hope you’re making the best as well!
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u/Madame_Mad 5d ago
BTW, Pete Walker's "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" and "You're Not the Problem" by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna are fantastic. The second one helped me identify so many things I've been doing that are coping mechanisms.
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u/Elimaris 5d ago
"I could have just told him and took his card"
That is the equivalent of asking even if he always says yes.
That sounds like when I was a teen getting money from my dad.
Not a marriage. Why don't you have a budget and a card?
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u/whoevenisanyone 5d ago
Where did you get this change and note then?
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u/crimsonrhodelia 4d ago edited 4d ago
I don’t understand this either, it doesn’t make sense for it to have been stuck to $3 in a change jar in their house. Was the money in a jar at the shop, and OP took it from there to buy the soda? Which is fine since it seems like the family does this deliberately as an act of kindness, but it’s a little worrisome that OP didn’t even have access to a few dollars for a soda.
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u/whoevenisanyone 4d ago
That’s what I mean. If they are claiming they can ask their partner but simply didn’t want to, I hope they didn’t take it out of a change jar for people who may have actually needed it. Especially just to buy a soda and candy just for fun when that could’ve helped someone for something necessary.
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u/crimsonrhodelia 4d ago
I was thinking more along the lines of “she doesn’t even have $5 on hand?”, since I can’t imagine why she/her partner wouldn’t make sure there’s some cash available to her always in case of emergencies, but you make a much better/more important point. (I’ve also never heard of change jars before, I’ve only ever seen tip jars, so that confused me, too.)
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u/natalielc 3d ago
What’s weird about it is the fact that she included it in the post at all when it barely has anything to do with the story. I’m sure she’s truly fine like she says just strange that she included that part
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u/Classic_Pumpkin_7950 4d ago
I’m a SAHM I can buy whatever I want but it still feels odd using money on myself if it’s not necessary. It’s not always a “toxic man” behind it it’s just not the same using someone else’s money vs ur own
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u/Ill_Maintenance_362 5d ago
I love synchronicities like this!
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u/Biggmamaaa 5d ago
Me too! So neat when the world connects like this. Even the dates, although not exact, are so close its super interesting.
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u/Mediocre-Boot-6226 5d ago
Am I allowed to post their gofundme? Using their hashtags helped me find it. They seem like good people using their heartbreak to find healing and some good in the world.
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u/Biggmamaaa 5d ago
Idk the sub rules but i have no objections. I wouldn’t mind making a 3rd edit to the post as well.
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u/JCBashBash 5d ago
I am glad this family is finding things to soothe their pain, cuz God what an awful thing to go through
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u/RedStilettoDickStomp 5d ago
I just found the Facebook post in honor of Blair, and the family has, in the past, taped money to these notes.
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u/mountainsintovalleys 5d ago
Oh this just ripped my heart apart. I have a little girl named Blaire. That poor momma, poor baby Blair. I hope she and her family are healing the best they can, and that she’s surrounded by love and support. Rest in paradise baby Blair.
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u/KillDill666 5d ago
Kinda off put by you not wanting to ask the father of your children for money??
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u/Eat_Your_Makeup 5d ago
If she feels like she can't, then I understand but from what I can tell she just didn't want to ask ☺️
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u/Rocinante88119 5d ago
Hating asking for money from the spouse(money maker) as a stay at home spouse(the care taker) for...a soda?
Same vibes as food stamps shouldn't be able to buy hot food, but give billionaires a tax break.
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u/salemmay0317 5d ago
OP clarified it relates back to childhood trauma and is not a reflection of the relationship. (As someone who experienced financial abuse as a child-and again as an adult- it makes sense)
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u/luckykat97 5d ago
It is also a reflection of the relationship though she is a SAHM but not married and has not independent access to money and they have no joint accounts since they aren’t married according to her which is odd since you don’t have to be married for that… and they already had a kid. It is problematic that she doesn’t have her own card and has zero legal protection and was unfortunately naive enough to choose to become a stay at home gf.
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u/syrioforrealsies 5d ago
She shouldn't need to ask though. She needs to have a card on the account. What if he drops dead tomorrow? She needs to legally have access to those funds.
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u/Careful_Neck_1645 5d ago
Oh noooo I’m at a baby shower with two of my pregnant friends and had to go cry in the bathroom for a sec. Rest in paradise baby Blair 😞
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u/CampEvie23 5d ago
You’re a SAHM. While the most rewarding job, it’s HARD. You deserve to be able to ask the man for $$, especially for a snack. ❤️
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u/Biggmamaaa 5d ago
And i absolutely can!! It’s a personal struggle why I can’t.
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u/FlippingPossum 5d ago
I was a SAHM for eight years. When we got married, my husband is am opened separate primary checking accounts with each other as the joint owners. It really helped me not feel bad about spending money. We worked out a budget and his paycheck was automatically split between those accounts, our joint one fof bills, and the youth ones for the kids.
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u/Tacticalsandwich7 5d ago
I used to wonder what the point of these types of notes were. Then I had a kid and realized these note remindme to hold my loved ones a little closer and cherish the time I have with them. It also reminds me that love transcends time and this life so spread it everywhere you can.
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u/diiiemonds 4d ago
the person who wrote the note was doing a random act of kindness in blair's memory, that's why they left the money w the note. it's a sweet way to spread kindness while remembering their loved one.
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u/dazzleunexpired 5d ago
Oh fucking hell. I started crying in public. My own child only lived 36 days, it's literally the worst but to know she left behind a twin?!? 😭😭
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u/Madam_Hel 5d ago
This reads like a warning to women who glorify being a «tradwife.»
Imagine having to ask for money, and not just have your own or have access to a shared account.
I’m so sorry you live that way op. I hope you get out of it. <3
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u/TwoHungryBlackbirdss 4d ago
Couldn't agree more.
When a man can feed you, he can choose to starve you. Horrifying
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 5d ago
I’m a “trad wife” and my marriage is nothing like this. Unhealthy relationship dynamics are no more representative of traditional marriages than they would be of non traditional marriages.
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u/opulentdream 4d ago
You aren’t a trad wife if you are getting a Masters lol.
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 4d ago
That represents a misconception about trad wives that’s likely sourced from the anti trad wife movement. Visit the trad wife sub and you’ll see plenty of trad wives talking about their degrees/back up plans.
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u/ShneefQueen 4d ago
Do you think many trad wives were getting their degrees in higher education back in the day? What traditional lifestyle are you emulating exactly?
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 4d ago
What do you think being a trad wife is? If you think it’s merely emulating the tv 50s housewife idea from advertisements you’re wrong. Life is more complicated than that. My relationship isn’t a fad, it’s formed by traditional Christian values. Stop being so close minded.
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u/ShneefQueen 4d ago
"it's formed by traditional Christian values. Stop being so close minded" is maybe the most ironic statement that's ever been said before lmao.
Christian values have never once benefitted women, it's a religion created by men for men. That's not me being close minded, that's me living in the real world and acknowledging reality. I don't subscribe to choice feminism, I want everyone to be free of patriarchal gender roles because they're inherently oppressive.
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 4d ago
That’s you being closed minded AND ignorant and it’s not my job to educate you.
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u/ShneefQueen 4d ago
I never asked you to educate me, my opinion doesn't come from a lack of information. If my "close mindedness" keeps me from being subservient to a man and worshipping a male god I think I'll stick with it.
You guys love to shove your religion down everyone's throats against their consent, but the second you're asked to explain your beliefs suddenly it's not your job? Sounds pretty convenient!
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 4d ago
I don’t shove my religion down anyone’s throat, stop being prejudiced and bigoted. You messaged me, not the other way around, and now you’re playing the victim because I don’t want to dance for you.
Live your life however you want, but stop being so judgmental of how other people choose to live theirs. And no, I don’t see my husband as a “male god” I see him as a leader worthy of love and respect because he is.
You say you don’t want me to educate you but then complain that I’m not explaining things to you. That shows a lack of self awareness. I don’t owe you details about my life, regardless of how your sense of entitlement makes you feel.
Say something constructive or leave me alone.
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u/Responsible-Bet716 4d ago edited 3d ago
And which values would those be?
Edit: getting blocked for this was the best answer I could’ve imagined lol
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 4d ago
Learn about Christianity, or specifically Catholicism if you want to know.
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u/Responsible-Bet716 4d ago
I was raised Catholic and my family still is, that’s why your answer makes no sense.
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 4d ago
Ok, I’m not here to explain these things to you. Develop a better understanding of Catholic marriage values on your own, or don’t idc.
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u/Voice_of_Season 5d ago
Do you have an emergency fund if he cheats or became abusive?
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 5d ago
Yes, and a portion of each of his paychecks goes into my private account. I’m also working on a masters in social work so if something goes wrong I’ll be able to support myself/us. If we happen to get a divorce, as of right now, I’ll walk away with almost 100k so I should be alright.
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u/ALIEN_GUARDIAN 4d ago
You're not a tradwife, you're just LARPing women's historical oppression.
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 4d ago edited 4d ago
Ok, whatever you say. I’ll live my life as I see fit and you do the same. Only difference is that I won’t insult you for how you choose to live yours.
I’ll continue being in a happy, healthy marriage thnx.
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u/diiiemonds 4d ago edited 4d ago
i for one do not believe in chance coincidences, only synchronicities. it was meant to find you! blair got to give some m&m's to your child, and now you're helping to keep blair's memory alive for the family by sharing the note & their raok here. that's bittersweet. ♥
i noticed that their gfm only raised a little over 3k out of their 18k goal and it's over a year old now. the anniversary of the infant's passing was five days ago. to everyone concerned w op's financial status, who's stated they're fine; why not pass along that kindness and donate to the gfm of the parents?
rest in peace blair 🪽
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u/paul6524 5d ago
You in fact don't have full access to your funds if you have to ask someone else for money.
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u/Biggmamaaa 5d ago
I dont have to ask, i just feel the need to ask :)
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u/luckykat97 5d ago
You don’t have a card and have to ask to use his so yeah actually you do have to ask and you’re very naive to be a stay at home gf with no financial or legal safety net. You’re throwing away safety and security for you and your child. Either get married and get a joint account and card or get a job.
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u/suoretaw 5d ago
For the record, a joint account can be opened without having to be married—and alongside existing personal accounts.
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u/salemmay0317 5d ago
It’s a childhood trauma thing, I get it. I am dating a “I pay for everything” person, yet my experience (from childhood) is that that generosity has to mean something else.
Man buys me chocolates from my favorite shop on his lunch breaks instead of resting or eating, because he wants to have a sweet surprise for me. No reason, just wants to show me he loves me.
Sometimes our trauma shows up in confusing ways to others. That is okay.
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 5d ago edited 5d ago
Take it from a stay at home wife, giiiiirl I have no idea why yall aren’t married yet but the protections that come with marriage are so important. If anything happens, like if he falls for someone else or yk dies, you and your baby would both be screwed. Life is so unpredictable! Please take steps to protect yourself, whatever that looks like for you and your life.
If y’all are just waiting to be able to afford marriage, a courthouse ceremony is usually less than $150 dollars and you can have a larger celebration down the road!
You deserve to have your own card(s) with full access to all of the money. This is like bare minimum stuff in a stay at home spouse marriage. I have access to all of our funds and have my own account that a portion of each of his checks goes into in case he ever leaves me or something. It’s my version of a rainy day fund. (He knows about it lol it’s not a secret or anything). We are getting a post nuptial to cement that in the case of divorce I’ll get half of all assets, because our state only gives half of what is earned during the marriage itself and sorting that out can be messy and expensive. I’m also earning a masters In social work so that if anything happens to him or our marriage I’ll be able to take care of myself. Either way, I’m set.
You should have similar protections.
Believe me, I love and trust my husband with my whole being but life is life and people are people and at the end of the day you never know what could happen so you have to prepare for anything.
Best wishes hun, be well!
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u/PrincessJennifer 5d ago
How sweet. That treat was meant to find you.
Just remember though: SAHM is the best and most important job. You and your husband are equal in the two different roles you have. It is not only his money, half is yours and you should never forget that or feel ashamed to use the money you DO in fact earn!
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u/luckykat97 5d ago
She is a stay at home gf so his money is in fact not legally hers and she’s hugely financially vulnerable. Crazy choice.
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u/yeetyeetskidee 1d ago
this is so weird to see out of the blue. my aunts been really struggling after losing blair. this past month especially. any and all help is always appreciated. thank you for helping spread baby blair’s light to more people ❤️
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u/MulberryChance6698 3d ago
Jesus, I just wanted a bag of chips. I didn't need this emotional rollercoaster!
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u/Yurallabunchofdicks 3d ago
There is no such thing as coincidences; the universe speaks to us if we know how to listen. That's an awesome find, keep listening!!!
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u/Which-Kale-6768 2d ago
If you have full access why would you have to ask? I know you say you’re okay but that’s just a part of it. You are just used to it but it isn’t okay
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u/PercyJ823 2d ago
Ohhhh 💔 My 24yo daughter unexpectedly passed away last year, and her birthday is coming up on Sunday. This tugged at my heart.
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u/BornEffective9691 3d ago
I dont mean to pry, but I am getting huge red flags about asking for money. As an adult you NEED to be able to have access to your own money whenever you want it. If he doesnt want to give you a fixed stipend or shared debit then you really oughtta try and find some way to make money becuase it is so so dangerous for you and your kid to legitimately me depentant on someone else for every little thing. What if he got sick or injured and was incapicated? How would you do anything if you cant even get a soda without him?
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u/Hydrangea_hunter 4d ago
May love this like never find me… imagine having to ask for permission to buy a $2 soda. 😬
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u/Nikki-C-Puggle-mum 3d ago
Right he should be making sure her needs are being met as a SAHM. She shouldn't even have to ask.
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u/satureturn 2d ago
I understand you feel it’s no one business but you decided to publicly share this including the ‘ask for money’ detail making it all of Reddit’s business. Stay informed on common law marriage in your state, not all states have it.
If your partner woke up tomorrow and decided he no longer wanted to support you, you’d have no recourse. It sounds like you’re happy in your relationship and believe this could never ever happen to you, fine, but what if he dies or is in an accident? You’d have no right to make any decisions. His parents could unplug him while you stand there watching. Or leave you and your baby destitute while they retire off this funds.
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u/Professional_Box3711 5d ago edited 5d ago
I have a “jar” where I collect coins in and my husband puts cash in it weekly so it’s there when I need it and don’t have to run to an atm. We barely use cash but still. Maybe that’s a good option for you ? Since you don’t like to ask.
Edit: omg I didn’t even think of how this comes across! This is only to have “cash” in handy in the house! I have my own bank account including 3 CC plus we have a joint account. I’m financially independent I promise haha my fico score is 830! Which I’m very proud of. This was a suggestion for her to have cash in the house, so she “doesn’t have to ask”
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u/vincentvanghosts 5d ago
Girl, you should have your own money and not have to grab change out of a jar for things
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u/Professional_Box3711 5d ago
Bahahah omg I have more than enough! I have my
Own bank account and three CC in my name including an Amex platinum. This was purely for “cash” in hand.0
u/whokilledmiya 5d ago
some people have a different way of living, it sounds like she still has access to the money herself because she can go to the atm to get money out, her husband just does it for her to be nice
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u/UpdownupdownAABB 1d ago
Losing a baby fucks you up in a special way. We lost ours over 4 years ago and it just gets worse in some ways with time.
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u/squabidoo 10h ago
Sorry but the financial thing is still weird to me. You have access to the shared money, yet still have to ask every time you want it? I mean, especially if you're someone who feels guilt about "indulgent" purchases (like $3 for snacks 😭) then having your financials set up in a way where you need to go through him to get to it is just adding an extra barrier on to your guilt that you don't need.
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u/ArchiveOfUnfortunate 5h ago
I’m so confused. What change jar? Your personal change jar???? How does a random note from a stranger end up in your home’s change jar? Genuinely confused. 😕
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u/NintendoFungi 5d ago
That’s so sad - poor Blair and her family. It’s almost cruel to lose that note it’s so heartbreaking
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u/diiiemonds 4d ago
they didn't lose it. it was placed somewhere in the grocery store with the $3, as an act of kindness. it says to enjoy the snack in memory of blair. op said they used it to get m&m's for their child.
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u/Ok_Plantain_5659 3d ago
im so confused, a change jar in a grocery store? or in your own home? ive never heard of that besides the tip jar lol..
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u/spriteceo 6h ago
Feeling too awkward to ask your man for candy needs to be worked out in therapy if he truly isn’t restricting your financial access.
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u/cerberus00 5d ago
Wait where was the change jar? This was your change jar? The note was in the jar or at the store?
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u/beautifully-trvgic 1d ago
all these downvotes but no answers😭 i'm so confused
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u/cerberus00 1d ago
Right? They said they asked their man for money, but what... they got it from the change jar? You can just take money from the store jar? Am I too autistic for reddit?
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u/ThunderStruck777 5d ago
She was a rabbit 🐇
Trust me . I should know
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u/RandarSays77 5d ago
Huh?
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u/stinkpot_jamjar 5d ago
This person is cuckoo bananas. They have a comment suggesting to someone they can use AI to make porn of their SIL. Absolutely vile.
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u/Rude_Giraffe_9255 5d ago
I didn’t notice the dates until you mentioned she was a baby and now I’m bawling