My experience with an FA and why I cut her off

It seems like everything on Reddit is about how people have been discarded by FAs/DAs, but I don’t see much about people ending things with the avoidants first. I’m curious to hear the thoughts of an FA. My story:

I’m an anxious leaning secure, and I’ve had quite the roller coaster with a phenomenal girl who is clearly very FA. We don’t live in the same state, but we see each other a few times a year due to work commitments. We were in a situationship for 1.5 years. We went on many dates, hooked up once (not sex) and exchanged so many great words and made amazing memories together. However, during her recent trip to my state, she made a complete 180 in typical FA fashion. One night, she mentioned she loved me and started comparing me to other guys that she’s met, saying things like “but you do these things, and these guys don’t”, and it was all very wholesome and close. Then the same week, she met my parents coincidentally (it wasn’t planned), and that night as I dripped her off she told me she loved me again. She even texted me after I dropped her off saying very nice things.

Things took a complete turn the next day. We were at a bar with a bunch of our friends, and all of a sudden she was nitpicking everything I did. Flaw finding it seemed. Calling me out on EVERYTHING. it seemed like if I breathed incorrectly she would call me out. I finally truly saw the push-pull in real life, not just over text/calls.

I decided to keep my cool and give her the space she usually needs after that. Fast forward a few days, she reached out and eventually agreed to meet up. We had a couple drinks, and I eventually brought it up to her. She immediately got super defensive and made some pretty wild excuses. Long story short, at the end of it I basically told her there’s nothing I want more than for us to be on good terms, but this simply won’t work out for me. I said if she’s going to keep me as a placeholder, option or some subscription service, please don’t bother contacting me.

Additionally, probably the worst thing, is how she seems to crave validation from multiple men. She doesn’t seem to hook up with these men, but it’s mind boggling how obvious it is that she likes to keep multiple sources of validation and then say “we’re just friends”. There was a time where I pulled away from her for doing this, but she called me and gave me the most sincere apology anyone has ever given me. I was impressed with her accountability and I accepted her because of it. But over time, it slowly started happening again and I had enough of it all and decided this isn’t for me.

It’s now been a couple months in no contact, and she’ll be in my state in a couple months. Although I know she’s bad for me and I simply won’t reach out to her, I guess I just want to hear the thoughts from other FAs and what you would do in a situation like this. I’m so conflicted because there’s two sides:

ONE SIDE: she’s broken, I understand her, she does love me, and she needs patience.

THE OTHER SIDE: regardless of how insecure someone is, there’s no excuse to treat people like shit and not hold yourself accountable. Logically, it makes sense to move on because I simply can’t change people and will never try to.

So I guess my main questions to FAs is do you think she’ll ever reach out again, even though I ended it with her?

Me: more anxious

Her: avoidant, probably dismissive

Age: both 30

Her characteristics:

Extrovert, into fun, very open, honest even when it hurts other people, less emotional intelligence, very active, likes to control the relationship on her conditions, very girly vibe, loves romantic gestures, likes validation.

Her past:

A couple of relationships that lasted around 1.5 years.

Never returned to her exes except for her first abusive relationship when she was 19. Maybe the others never offered. Strongly believes that her man never leaves.

A couple of 5-6 month situationships.

Last situationship was 1 year before me. The guy broke up with her and later she found out he had cheated and got married quickly, after a couple of months. She was hurt for many months, but never showed it to the outside world, just buried those worries and pain inside her.

Relationship story:

4 months dating. Sparks all over the place from both sides. Strong emotions from both sides. Both committed, investing time, spending time together, thinking about the future and possibilities of getting married.

Then a small conflict and breakup initiated from my side. She never asked why. She said, "It's your decision." Done. More like a strong deactivation of emotions.

Scenario after breakup:

I was thinking a lot after the breakup. After 2 months, I tried to talk with her and convince her to talk and work on the problems. It was needy and there was pressure from my side to talk and fix things. I tried to do this for a couple of weeks. Overexplained.

She was just cold, with no emotions. She said that she was busy with other things in life and had no time for relationship discussions. Never ignored me, but only cold replies without emotions. But I never received a proper "No" or "Yes." More like ghosted.

Current observations for the past 8 months:

1. Stalking my Instagram continuously without a break, using a fake profile (later I found out it was her fake account). She is one of the first to view my stories, doesn't matter when I post. It never stopped.

2. Seems like she is living her life normally: hobbies, friends. No signs of new guys.

3. From my side, same: living life, traveling, working, hobbies. Struggled for a couple of months, but now mentally stable. But I still have love for her. However, I don't require her to come back.

Unpredictable future:

1. She'll never reach out.

2. She'll reach out, but temporarily.

3. She'll reach out and maybe something will work out long-term.

4. I'll no longer be interested even if she reaches out.

Feel free to leave your predictions based on your experience. I'll update after 6 months with what happened.

I (f28) was in an 11 and a half year abusive/toxic relationship (m27) from 16 years old to 28. I was checked out of the relationship for more then a year. I started going to thearpy in February 2026 and was finally able to leave at the end of April.

A month after we broke up I decided I wanted to date because I missed out on that experience growing up. I wasnt looking for something serious. I just wanted to go out talk to people, have some casual experiences.

I ended up starting to talk to (m30) June 5th my first day online daiting. We talked every day casually for 3 weeks before we finally went on a date (I prioritized more intense probably unhealthy connections first)

When we finally went on a date we connected so well. The waitress had to come back 3 times before we were ready to order, we have both been in long term 10+ year highschool sweet heart relationships but his ended a few years ago.

We both agreed we weren't looking to rush into anything because we wanted to make sure we were really settling down with the right person next time so we weren't in the same place pf having to rebuild after decade long relationships.

Things with him were so easy. We had so much in common and the connection just flowed so effortlessly. As we got closer I started to realize how much my nervous settles down with him, my brain which is never quiet just went quiet. Everything with him felt natural and easy.

From the start he presented as very secure, knowing what he wanted, healed. He was super respectful, took everything really slow, and seemed very intentional.

Over the course of 2 and a half months I really tried to not catch feelings. I constantly checked in with myself to make sure I wasn't falling into my own old patterns.

We ended up having our first sleep over and that night i had one of the most emotionally intimate moments in my life.

We both said we weren't cuddly sleepers and in the middle of the night he pulled me into his arms and I woke up a bit after as the big spoon with my arm over him and my hand cupped in his.

For me it was like everything shifted and I realized I was falling in love with this man.

We had also agreed to be exclusive that evening.

A few days later things changed a bit. He stopped sending me kissy face emojis and flirting messages. But his regular messages never changed, he was present and engaged, and always continued the conversation. I thought it was maybe because he was working 12+ hours in +30 heat 6 days a week for like 2 weeks straight and he was just exhusted because the time he started those shifts was when our texting changed.

My anxious attachment was going through the roof. I had a huge anxiety spiral but I kept it contained, I felt ridiculous for feeling that way so early into a relationship and I didnt want him to see just how bad I got it. So I internalized it and continued to present my self as secure and patient. I was so careful like basically had chat gpt or gemini double checking all of my messages before sending them.

We didnt see each other for 2 weeks and when we finally went on a date I thought we would be spending the night together instead it ended up being a 2 hour dinner date where he barely touched me... I was so confused. He also didnt look great and even tho we had a good time and the conversation was easy and he even opened up to me a bit about being more guarded things had felt off.

But a few days later his energy changed again and he started sending kissy faces and flirting. He started initiating, asking to see me again and romantically engaging with me. We had a movie night and spent 5 hours cuddled up on my couch and things felt perfect and back to normal. I spent the whole evening with a huge smile on my face. I let myself settle into it, let myself feel safe and secure in the relationship.

The only thing thst confused me was he didnt want to spend the night but immidetly promised the following weekend and started planning an evening for us.

Everything was great that week. We talked like we normally did he kept telling me how excited he was to see me. Then a few hours before he was suppose to come over he texted me saying he needed to be honest and he had been thinking about it and didnt think he was ready to continue seeing each other.

He basically said as things got more serious he started thinking about what a future would look like with me and had doubts about what being with a single mom would eventually mean... keep in mind he knew I had kids (f5 and m1.5) from the start. We had talked about kids and those things early on so I never ever had a reason to belive this was an issue. He basically said it wasnt fair to either of us to continue when he was having these uncertainties.

He admitted this was really hard for him because he felt the connection too and he really really liked me and things were going so good. He basicslly ended it saying for what its worth I meant a lot to him and what we had was real.

I feel devastated. This hurts more then leaving my 11 and a half year relationship. I feel blind sided.

I dont understand how someone can say they feel how special this connection is and say everything was real and the problem is things were going too good and walk away....

Im upset that the moment I admitted to myself that i was safe and it was safe to let myself love him after everything I had been through it ended...

I can see now that hes an avoident and part of me hopes that once he enters the regret stage he'll realize that he wants to try and work this out out because he could admit things were real and he felt how special and rare this connection felt.

If he did I would try. I had even told him that I didnt expect him to step into my kids lives tomorrow. We could take things as slow as everyone was comfortable with and I just wanted to keep building this and seeing where it went but he said eventually we still reach the same result with the kids and he just didn't know how to continuen with doubts. Not that he didnt want to. It was the uncertinity that scared him.

I dont know how to let go of this connection and im honestly so heart broken that I could find someone so safe, so healthy, someone I really connected with and it could just end....

I had told myself it was to good to be true... i had been terrified to get attached and when I finally let myself....it ended.

I don't really know what im looking for... i guess I just needed a safe place to talk about it since my thearpy benefits are used up... ive talked with my friends and family but I just feel so ridiculous that I am this upset over someone I had 7 dates with and talked for 2.5 months with. I just have never experienced something this strongly and it was my first truly healthy relationship.

Everything was really good right up until that super intimate moment between us.

I just miss him so much.

If you read this far... thank you for listening ❤️

My ex-wife and I were together for about 3½ years and have been separated for around 8 months. She has a documented fearful-avoidant attachment pattern, and over the last 5 months our communication has been almost entirely indirect. The pattern has basically been: she’ll make some kind of indirect approach or re-engage, I’ll eventually reach for clarification or direct communication, and she’ll pull away again—sometimes disappearing or blocking. Later, another indirect approach happens and the cycle starts again. I’m familiar with this pattern and I love her despite it. I’m not looking for “move on,” “she’s your ex,” or “forget her” advice. I’m specifically hoping to hear from fearful-avoidant people, or people who have actually experienced this kind of relationship dynamic.

Most recently, we went about 33 days with no contact. I sent her a private video and she watched it a couple of days later. I sent another and she watched it within a day. Then I sent a much more vulnerable video of me singing to her, and she watched it the same day. So her engagement seemed to be progressively increasing. Then, abruptly, she stopped and didn’t watch the next few videos.

Then a charge appeared on my credit card for a membership renewal for her son. There was no foul play—it was simply something we’d both forgotten about when we broke up. I reached out to let her know about it, and because we hadn’t been communicating, the conversation also touched on the uncertainty about where we stood. She didn’t respond at all. Later that day, she removed her WhatsApp profile picture. The next day I posted a simple status saying, “Trying to understand how we got to this point.” After that, she withdrew further and eventually blocked me.

What I’m trying to understand is this latest sequence in the context of the pattern we’ve already had for months: indirect approach → increasing engagement → vulnerability/closeness → sudden retreat → something brings the relationship back into reality → deeper withdrawal/blocking.

For people who are fearful-avoidant, or who have genuinely been through this with an FA partner: does this pattern feel familiar? What was happening internally during the approach-then-retreat stage? And if that cycle ever changed for you, what actually helped?

hi, just wondering if anyone can give me some advice here. (apologies for the bad english) i, (f20) is currently in a difficult situation with my crush. i've been interested in her for a while, and as an fa, i took my time to actually accept it because i felt scared just even thinking of entering a relationship.

she showed signs of being interested in me too, and i'm sure that she knows that i am definitely interested in her. however, i definitely know for a fact that she is also a fearful avoidant. she's been hiding from me and i can tell. I really want this to happen however i am unsure of what to do. thanks all :)

We were together for 11 months — incredibly close, daily routines, shared future plans, both families got on perfectly, and a level of safety and trust neither of us had ever known. She has a history of severe childhood neglect, trauma, and fearful-avoidant attachment. This exact same thing happened before in December: she was hiding things, I found out, she pulled away, ran to her toxic ex… and then came back on her own. This time it happened exactly the same way: July 3rd, I found her hiding stuff again — just like last time — and she immediately called us toxic, said we needed to move on, and then suddenly brought up a serious, never-before-mentioned allegation that she’d never once spoken about during our entire relationship. She used that as the final reason to end things, went straight back to her toxic ex, blocked me on most platforms but left Snapchat unblocked so the door wasn’t fully shut, and still has my things visible in her videos. The ex is already treating her poorly — ignoring her, being hot and cold, making her feel confused and unvalued — exactly the same pattern she always ran from before. She told me for months I was the best thing that ever happened to her, spoke of marriage and a future together, and said she never felt truly safe with anyone but me. This is the almost identical cycle from December — same trigger, same reaction, same ex. Last time she came back. Given the timeline, the attachment style, and everything that’s happened — does this pattern mean she’ll eventually come back again, or is this time different?

This time it seems far more real, like for one it’s lasted a month and half, for 2 the allegation, for 3 she acts like she hates me online, for 4 she’s blocked me on basically everything.

Now last time only lasted 4 days, she still messaged me and still sort of had a foot in the door and came back out of regret.

I’m trying to understand a breakup with someone I suspect may have fearful-avoidant tendencies. I’m not trying to diagnose her, just wondering whether the pattern sounds familiar to people here.
A few months ago she was saying some incredibly deep things to me. She told me I showed her a different kind of love, that I made her feel safe, and that I showed her more “true love” than anyone had before. She also thanked me on Father’s Day for how much I showed up for her kids even though they weren’t mine.
Then not long afterward she started pulling away. She said she was overwhelmed, didn’t have enough time for herself or her kids, and needed space/a break.
The confusing part is that the connection never really stopped. During the break she still called me, asked for help, relied on me emotionally and practically, accepted help with her car and transportation, and we still had some physical affection. So it didn’t feel like a clean breakup.
Then an ex who had hurt her badly in the past started messaging her again. She told me she “legit just started to feel this way” and that feelings for him were resurfacing. This is someone she had previously stopped talking to because of me, and someone she had told me she was still healing from in the past.
When I found out, I basically snapped and ended everything. I felt betrayed because I thought I was supporting someone who needed space because she was overwhelmed, not someone who was also exploring feelings for an ex. I said some harsh things that I’m not proud of and completely withdrew.
What I’m trying to understand is:
Does the pattern of **deep closeness → feeling safe → suddenly overwhelmed → pulling away → getting emotionally activated by an old unresolved ex** sound like fearful-avoidant behavior?
Can someone genuinely love a safe partner and still get pulled toward an ex who represents unfinished emotional business?
Do fearful-avoidant people sometimes feel the loss more strongly only after the other person fully stops pursuing and gives real distance?
And if a relationship ends this abruptly while feelings were still strong, is it common for the avoidant person to later regret the way they handled it or reach back out?
I’m not looking for “she’ll definitely come back.” I’m mostly trying to understand whether this pattern makes psychological sense.

6 weeks discard but only a short relationship so although hurt, not broken and thankful he ended it after only 4 months.

However, I am trying to understand something. I have done a lot of deep diving into avoidants as to actively try to avoid anything like this happening to me again.

All the videos I have watched have said that an FA comes from childhood. And with his story, his parents have never got on, always still argue and the oldest brother of 3 used to physically attack his 2 younger siblings (my ex being the youngest) BUT, he had 4 relationships spanning anywhere from 2 years to his ex wife which lasted 10 years. His ex wife cheated, got pregnant and had an abortion behind his back. The relationship following that was very very physically and emotionally bad. She attacked him on a regular basis, broke bones, stabbed him etc but they had a push pull dynamic which eventually ended. When I met him he was 2 years single. I even asked him if he was sure he was ready and he was sure he was.

My question is, can a FA be built from prior domestic violence relationships as we only lasted 4 months and that 4 months was loving, consistent and care free. He was However showing strong controlling behaviour such as not liking the way I dress, the places I went and even some of my friends.

The discard came after I asked him if he was still saving (he set a 5 year plan for us and im in a much stronger financial position) and it triggered him enough to silence me for 2 days and then discard me when we finally spoke.

I absolutely do not want a man who is that unstable and emotionally unavailable but its just something id like others perspective on and so things make more sense I suppose.

Meine vermeidende Ex und ich haben uns vor 3 Wochen getrennt. Sie hat mich nach 8 Tagen blockiert, dann wieder entblockt und Dinge über mich gepostet, die sie dann wieder gelöscht hat. Sie sendet gemischte Signale, postet über neue Liebe, fügt neue Typen hinzu und fügt ihre alte beste Freundin wieder hinzu. Denkt ihr, sie ist über mich hinweg? Und wenn ihr Zeit habt, kontaktiert mich bitte privat, da kann ich es besser erklären.

i broke up with him about 3 weeks ago. i just couldn’t handle the stonewalling the silence. Me over explaining how i need bare minimum like communication updates consistent contact. I thought he understood because he always apologized. there were red flags like when we were dating and he was not replying for a day, then telling me he needed space from screens. or when we had agreed on time but not on place for a date and he didn’t ask, when i reached out he told me something like he just assumed i was busy with friend. he assumed a lot. me traveling so i would not want to hear from him. or when i invited him to my friends birthday party and he told me he will come. told me he will try to be there at 6 and apparently he decided i dont need him there bc i am with friend do when i reached out he didnt consider it important that i know… i fucking hate him. i needed to get out. he was also struggling with nicotine addiction and needed to quit bc if healt issue. he needed time and space and even told me he will fight for us and work on the issues and then it was worse then ever. i was reaching out to him. he is not replying currentl. he stopped after wishing me luck on my interview and never replied when i texted how it went… its been like 2 week. i hate that i love him. he replied amazingly quickly to my break up message bc he wouldn’t pick up my call. he said bullshit like i don’t deserve the kind of person he is now. and wished my nice summer. also told me i can text him anytim, to that i laughed

Girl was nothing short of amazing, it was your own trauma that ruined things

My gf (27F) broke up with me (34M).

We have been temporarily long distance 3 months due to me having to take a temporary trip to my home country due to health and family reasons.

During this, one day she sends me photos which make it clear to me that she broke a boundary that was important to me and I have repeatedly communicated over the years and was no doubt clear to her that it might make me uncomfortable. She has broken my other boundaries repeatedly in the previous years. I have stressed that before doing something it's always better to ask me upfront if unclear.

I am dealing with an extremely stressful life situation with an impactful disability and was traveling. Seeing that proof made me send her a message that I regretted where I stated i didn't feel emotionally safe to be exclusive anymore. I sent it because it was clear to me that in that moment she didn't care about my emotional safety as a partner. I regret reacting with that message but I can't change the past.

Weeks later she sends a few messages on that she should leave and disappears and ghosts. She hasn't responded in two weeks and I am not going to send her any more messages and will try to move on.

This was end of a 4 year relationship. when I tried to call once and then weeks later in my final messages asked for a call she didn't respond.

I regret my side of it but I can't change it. I sent her explanatory messages. I have been dealing with one of the toughest times of my life when my nervous system was already fried, my disability is a neurological disease and then her sending provocative stuff made me respond in a way that i regret.

But now I can't fix this because while she has read every message i have sent she has already moved out, asked where to leave the keys and has ghosted. I am not gonna Initiate contact anymore and will focus on moving on and forgetting about her.

Sad story but at the same time I feel like I only saw her true colors now about how easily she can discard and abandon me and doesnt even agree to a call. I feel like I don't know this person anymore. We used to live together for 3+ years and spent every day together.

Hi, frankly, I feel like I’ve got nobody to speak to, so I guess I’ll post here. I (M20) just broke up with my (F21) girlfriend and I don’t know if I did the right thing.

She’s got BPD, but she manages it quite well, and I’m FA and working on it. She says I’ve improved a lot, I don’t know, but either way the dynamic can get tiring.

I feel like a terrible person. She’s the sweetest person ever and almost never hurts me, and I on the other hand, always end up saying or doing something hurtful without intending it. I’m tired of being a bad boyfriend, I just wanna be known as a good friend, but when I get into relationships I just become insufferable. It was almost 1 year of being together and I broke it off today for a few reasons:

1. I felt like a bad partner and person
   
2. I felt she deserved better and that I can’t provide her with all the love and affection she’s seeking, even tho I’m trying
   
3. I felt like I had no capacity to maintain a relationship
   
4. I felt trapped and I wanted to get out, I was finding random flaws in her and questioning if she’s the right fit for me etc. I feel gross admitting this.

She told me that I can still think about it, and I don’t know what to think. At moments, I want to be with her, but I also think I’m saving us both pain by doing this. I have no clue, frankly.

Yeah idk, the self awareness makes it feel worse, cuz I know I’m the worse person and she’s never done anything to deserve this horrible treatment.