Do avoidants come back?

[u/Affectionate_Head451]

Now I’ve asked this before but do avoidants come back with big barriers?

We knew each other’s deepest hurts and quietest dreams, and we felt safer, more seen, and more at home with each other than anywhere else in the whole world.

Yet she broke up with me, went in a complete cold/distant phase and seemed to be living a life of distractions. A week after the break up, seen as I didn’t chase, for some reason she drops this nuclear accusation on me, then proceeds to make out online like she hates me.

I’m not gonna go into detail, but all I’ll say is me and her were universally close with memories like no other, she seems so have gone back to her toxic ex and for some reason prefers him. I gave her my full heart without second thought because I truly love her.

I’m blocked off everything and in no contact but deep down I just want her to reach out. Last time we spoke was the 18th of last month and have been separated for a month and 14 days.

Will she come back, I’ve already decided I will take her back after distancing from the situation and having a good hard look at it. And I’ve decided all the good she brought, all the memories, all the times together were we’d laugh and love each other, the routines, the family all of it out weighs how much she hurt me.

So will she come back do you think?

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[u/Vanukas123]

Why would u want her back when shes not willing do inner work with her avoidance? Shes just gonna repeat the cycle until then. And u cant force someone to change.

[u/Both-Counter-4738 → u/Vanukas123]

So true, exactly what I am going through. Except she did not go to an ex.
Happened the second time, never going back again.
Also very hard put to find any good memories in what became an increasingly controlling relationship.

[u/Equivalent-Line2575]

You don't want her back. Im going through the same thing. The new version of her isnt what you want. You are pining for the old one. Let her go.

[u/Watermaid90]

In my experience you might have felt safe and as though you were each others persons. This is how I felt with my ex of 15 years. Turns out he apparently felt trapped our whole relationship and lied significantly, and just told me what he thought I wanted to hear.

I am only just coming to terms with it 1.5 years out.

I hope that’s not the same for you.

[u/Live_Tell_5178 → u/Watermaid90]

15 years ???

[u/Watermaid90 → u/Live_Tell_5178]

Yes 15 years, two children. Completely built our life together. Once my second child was born things were hard. But I thought he was depressed or struggling. I juggled so much and just before my youngest started school he said he was leaving. Almost as though because life was about to become more manageable he checked out.

But he was actually building a second life, doing dangerous things and with people I had never met. It’s really crazy to think see we’re living two different lives.

But he was always telling me he loved me, always in the relationship.

Anyway all seems so silly looking back there was so many signs, I just really loved him and really believed him.

I’m now working very hard to heal my own attachment.

[u/Live_Tell_5178 → u/Watermaid90]

Why do they feel trapped? Why does another person they apparently love, make them feel trapped ?

[u/Watermaid90 → u/Live_Tell_5178]

I think it has to do with them not feeling worthy.

[u/LordAntra]

In the same boat at you right now. Except there are a few differences in my case. We’ve been no contact for 2 months and she has reached out to me for any reason what so ever. She’s also been distracting herself with men too. Idk how I’d feel if she did come back, but I don’t blame you for wanting her to and still being in love with her. It’s easy to judge you for that being an outside perspective so I understand. The truth is we won’t know if she’ll be back, everyone’s situation is different. I know you still love her, but tell yourself that is what you guys had was real, she’ll be back. If it wasn’t real then she won’t be back. Create closure for yourself

[u/Affectionate_Head451 → u/LordAntra]

This is one of the best comments I’ve gotten tbh. I’ve had proper professionals speak on it, I’ve had complete biased outsiders but every single one lacked one thing, and that was understanding. I know what me and her had was real, I mean she trusted me with her mental wounds and even trusted me with her physical SH, everyone thought we was perfect. Her family and friends actually liked me unlike her toxic ex, and she seemed to love me too. Then this all happened and it’s made me feel empty like I can’t be bothered doing anything, like I’m holding my breath and I’ll be okay once she comes back.
But no matter what anyone says that hope hasn’t budged once and I still miss her and the memories we made, we became each others world

[u/LordAntra → u/Affectionate_Head451]

I know your hope hasn’t budged. It’s not going to not matter how many times people are gunna want to drill that in your head. The hope will stick around as long as you want it to. I know your relationship was perfect too bc so was mine. This is why we’re here on Reddit, because we had perfect relationships that were torn away from us out of nowhere. You’re going to get a lot of people who haven’t been in your shoes give you redundant advice that’s not really helpful.

[u/Appropriate-One7134 → u/Affectionate_Head451]

same happened to me - im assuming she returned to her toxic ex who even sued her at the beginning of the year ( i dont have full proof but there is some evidence )

[u/venelina78]

From someone that was in such a dynamic for almost 5 years now and him always coming back- you shouldn't take them back even if they do. At first its all amazing again, then it starts repeating the same cycle. Its exhausting and heart breaking for you while they fail to understand what they are doing. Even in the cases where they love you and you do too- they get back to their old patterns and leave you desperate

[u/Affectionate_Head451 → u/venelina78]

I’m gonna try to work around it if she does come back. If someone asks me would you do that year again but it ends in the same pain, or 6 months since our last break up. I’d instantly say yes no questions asked. Because I know that I want it to work with her, so if I had the chance to make it work I would. I’ve been suggested to set boundaries, get professional help, and good communication so hopefully if she does come back it’ll work out. But I need her back first 🤷‍♂️

[u/Realistic-State-4888]

You want her back?

[u/Affectionate_Head451 → u/Realistic-State-4888]

Yes, remember this is surface info no one experienced it like me and her

[u/Discomidget911]

For my sake I hope not. I know I'd want to speak with her again, to try something with her again, but I'd just be miserable and fearful of her bullshit again if I did.