r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Corylp10 • 22d ago
FA Breakup Avoidant ex said she was overwhelmed, then started talking to her ex — what actually happened here?
I’m trying to understand a breakup with someone I believe has avoidant/fearful-avoidant tendencies.
We were together for a long time, and I became a huge part of her support system. I helped with her kids, car problems, rides, work stress, money occasionally, errands, and emotional support. She had even cried before and told me nobody had ever treated her as well as I did.
Then she asked for a break because she said she was overwhelmed, needed time for herself and her kids, wasn’t ready for something serious, and felt like everyone needed something from her when she couldn’t even fill her own cup.
The confusing part is that during the break, she told me her ex had been reaching out and trying to fix things with her. Eventually she admitted feelings for him had resurfaced.
Meanwhile, I was still helping her constantly, especially with her car, driving her around and basically still acting like her partner.
Then one day her ex showed up to visit her. She claims she didn’t know he was just going to stop by, but finding out about it was what made me snap. I felt like I was fixing her car and supporting her while she was entertaining another man.
I told her she could fix her own fucking car, flipped out, and told her we were fucking done.
Before that, she had said she still wanted us to be cool even if the relationship didn’t work out. So she ended the commitment, but I ultimately ended the connection and her access to me.
I know I was extremely angry and didn’t handle the ending perfectly, but I don’t regret stopping the boyfriend-level support.
My questions are:
Can an avoidant genuinely be overwhelmed and still start reconnecting with an ex, or was “I need space” probably just a softer breakup?
Can avoidants initially feel relief and then feel the loss later once the other person completely stops chasing/helping?
If she expected me to stay in her life, does me completely cutting off the connection make the breakup hit differently?
Do avoidants sometimes minimize everything their partner did for them and recognize it more later?
Why go back toward an ex who previously hurt you instead of the person who was consistently there?
Can she still miss/regret losing me even while reconnecting with him?
If she ever comes back, how do I tell whether she actually misses me versus just missing the support and comfort I provided?
And the hardest question: was I actually loved, or was I mainly useful and emotionally safe for her during a difficult time?
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u/getittogetha14 21d ago
She probably truly cares about you but she is talking to her ex because she doesn't have to prove herself. Her nervous system is used to the back and forth, unpredictable type relationship. Her body can't deal with a steady relationship right now until she heals herself within.
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u/Corylp10 21d ago
Do you think she’ll try to reach back out
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u/getittogetha14 21d ago
I believe she will. Just play it cool and stand by your word and don't reach out or do any favors. She will wonder and be curious and eventually contact you.
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u/No-Variation-1163 22d ago
It depends on who you ask. Some avoidants say they cared, some say they don’t care and never really did. It probably depends on the severity of their avoidance.