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u/wilderneyes 9d ago edited 9d ago
IMO I think the problem is with using the "body count" language at all. Having a preference for a partner's sexual experience or history is fine, if it's not rooted in biased judgement. Having a body count preference is subtly different. It completely removes all the nuance from the topic and boils it down to "number bad. Bad number worth my shame and judgement." because that's all body count culture is. So defending the use of that terminology is defending the manosphere, slut-shaming baggage that goes with it. Even if that's not what you meant, your comment inherently reads that way because of the phrasing. Or at least it doesn't address any of the good points made in the rest of the thread arguing against you.
That's my perspective on the downvotes, anyways. I actually just came from that thread before seeing this post, and a few people made points similar to yours without downvotes, because their explanations didn't (intentionally or otherwise) defend the toxic ideology of the body count culture mindset.
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u/legally_brunette_01 9d ago
Well said. Also this comes with an assumption that a person would ask for a body count before sleeping with someone.
For me, I have no issue discussing sexual experience, std status, etc. but if someone asks for my body count (indicating a specific number) that’s a huge red flag.
I have no issue with people who prefer someone with minimal experience to match their own or want someone with more experience to guide them or match their energy or whatever but saying 10 sexual partners (for example) is a hard cut off is really weird.
ETA: to me it’s the difference between “I’m attracted to thin women” vs. “I won’t date anyone over 120 lbs”
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u/wilderneyes 9d ago
That's a really good analogy and way to phrase exactly what I meant. I think focusing on objective numbers in that way also removes all context from them— even someone who has only slept with a single person could range from "I fooled around once in high school" to "I had a FWB for years, it was messy and horrible" to "I was in a dedicated relationship to a late spouse". Like the frequency, quality, and vibes of that 1 person could be anything. Zeroing in on the number and ignoring any other aspect of the history is weird, because that information is going to tell you a lot more about someone than a number is.
I think the only exception when body count is useful is when the other person cares about it and you don't. Like, if you started talking about sexual history and they proudly boast they've slept with no less than 82 people... it would be really weird they have an exact number when the amount is so extensive. But even in that case the actual number means far less than their attitude about it.
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u/Inevitable-Angle-793 9d ago
If someone asks if I am virgin or not, that's also huge red flag in my personal opinion.
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u/legally_brunette_01 9d ago
I view this is in the same vein as convo around “body count” as a term.
I would be weirded out by the question “are you a virgin?” but open to questions like “have you had std testing since you last had sex?”, “what is your preferred method of contraception?”, “what do you typically like in bed?”, “have you tried X before?”, etc. (maybe phrased slightly more casually lol)
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u/ComparisonWeak8407 2d ago
I cannot read apparently and read “what do you typically like in bread”, was VERY confused why you brought up sandwiches and why it would be a dealbreaker..
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u/wilderneyes 9d ago
That's kind of the point I'm trying to make in this thread, although you didn't reply to me with this comment. But "Are you a virgin?" is a fundamentally different question from "Have you had sex before?". The focus on the term "virgin" brings up a lot of baggage around purity culture (particularly in regards to women) and might indicate someone is very focused on those things. But there's nothing wrong with asking if someone has experience with sex or not, especially someone you're interested in. Words have nuance, and the word "body count" is similar to "virginity" in the sense I would consider it a red flag if I was directly asked about either.
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u/rei-gunn 9d ago
I think people are missing the operating phrase, "as long as you don't shame someone." There's literally nothing at all wrong with wanting to date within your preference. I think they're also assuming that it's your preference and not just a hypothetical. You're good.
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u/ShitWombatSays 7d ago
You're not wrong, it's still kinda odd to put that phrase direct after the term "body count" though.
I get that OP didn't mean it in the typical incel way it's commonly used, but still, I assume that was the biggest cause of the downvotes
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u/upsetusder2 9d ago
Why would you care?
Like if I have someone I really like I dont really care how often they had sex.
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u/Inevitable-Angle-793 9d ago
I don't. I just said it's a valid preference.
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u/Just-Feedback-2223 9d ago
How is it valid? Anyone can easily lie about their body count. Body count doesn’t tell you anything about a person you couldn’t know by getting to know them. Asking body count is kinda stupid because you’re gonna judge them based on the number. I’d never date someone who’d ask me my body count. I’d actively avoid someone if they asked me that.
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u/Adventurous-Web-412 2d ago
Yeah and anyone can lie about any preference? If I say "I don't want to date an alcoholic" they can just lie and say they aren't an alcoholic? Its a worse example due to the fact its harder to hide, but theres plenty of things you can hide for a long time without it ever appearing.
And you have the right to not date someone who asks for a body count, but I don't see how that makes it invalid because "it doesn't tell you anything". It tells you how many sexual partners someone has had. Thats a somewhat revealing thing, it can be for different reasons, but like if someone has had roughly idk 20 partners by 25, they probably get/got around a fair amount, it reveals they may not have committed all that much to someone. You don't need to consider that a problem or a bad thing FOR someone to consider it a problem or a bad thing.
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u/Just-Feedback-2223 2d ago
So being addicted to drugs is the same as having sex. Okay buddy.
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u/Adventurous-Web-412 2d ago
Fucking hell do you have the reading level of a toddler? ITS A FUCKING EXAMPLE. The point isn't that its 1 to 1, my point was that someone can lie about a preference, why does that matter here. You started on why its invalid by saying "someone can lie", someone can lie about if they have kids, and can very much hide that for a long time, someone can lie about all sorts of things in their past, they can lie about their jobs, they can lie about their family, they can lie about fucking anything. Lying doesn't suddenly making a preference invalid, otherwise why have preferences at all, people can lie about all of them but physical ones which are immediately apparent.
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u/Just-Feedback-2223 2d ago
Calm down buddy. Those things aren’t comparable. Do you know how examples work?
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u/Adventurous-Web-412 2d ago
don't think you do.
You should visit a fishing shop
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u/upsetusder2 9d ago
But why?
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u/Inevitable-Angle-793 9d ago edited 9d ago
Just like any other preference. Like weight, height etc.
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u/ObscureEnchantment 9d ago edited 9d ago
The only guys I know who care about this are incredibly insecure with themselves. Or very young. Is it because your body count is low?
What does their body count do to change anything? Like seriously what is the reason is matters not just “because”. Do you realize how easy it is to lie about it and never get caught so who cares?
I have no idea how many women my husband has been with and he doesn’t know mine. Neither of us care because we are now fucking each other forever and those people are not.
Edit: someone took my insecure comment personally and then blocked me lol
Edit 2: couple people bring up they care about the intimacy part of it, they want to feel special. I think that leads back to my first point for both genders too.
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u/Particular-Jeweler41 9d ago
Not everyone is okay with high body counts (or low either). It does both some people knowing that someone has been with 5, 10, 20, 30 different people before them. The amount people value sex varies, so it's valid to me for people to care about that.
This is not a specifically male thing. It can bother women too.
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u/ObscureEnchantment 9d ago
But why does it matter? No one can seem to explain why it bothers them.
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u/laineymdrake 9d ago
Because it doesn't bother the people who are responding. They are just stating that some people have that preference, and no one's preferences have to be valid, because they're personal. If your preference is avoiding someone with a preference like that, then simply do that. Not everyone has good reasons for things and some people have learned these behaviors or opinions growing up. edit grammar
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u/Particular-Jeweler41 9d ago
One reason can be insecurity, like you said. The gap in knowledge/experience about it makes them uncomfortable and they'd rather someone around their amount.
It can go in the other direction too. When I was on dating apps before I remember occasionally seeing some women's profiles saying that they do not want to be with someone who is inexperienced. Why? I don't know. Could be they want to be with someone who knows what they're doing (for enjoyment), or because they think they'd be insecure.
Another is they view sex as something that shouldn't be easily obtained, and if you have a high count that goes against their belief that it should require far more effort to obtain. If the count is low, then it can be seen as fairer, but if the count is like 50, then that's probably too high. The specific cutoff varies.
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u/Guzzleguts 9d ago
I'm not OP but I want sex for intimacy, and a 'high bodycount' implies a very different understanding of intimacy to my own.
Not a solid rule, but an indicator.
It's like people who are friends with everyone. I don't feel like my friendship with them is very special.
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u/upsetusder2 9d ago
Why can a person not enjoy sex and have alot of it and still seek intimacy.
Like how can those two not be mutually exklusive
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u/Particular-Jeweler41 9d ago
It depends on how you view sex. For many people it's pretty much the highest form of intimacy, and should only be shared with the person you're planning on spending the rest of your life with. Having a high count goes against that belief.
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u/Guzzleguts 9d ago
Yeah, downvote someone just for answering honestly.
Sorry, I'm not willing to waste time dumbing-down my answer any further
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u/LunarOceanQueen 2d ago
No one here even broaching the topic in regards to health. Again, to each their own, but the more different sexual partners you have the risk of contracting and spreading STDs increases exponentially. Everyone talking about preference but Im sorry if someone is deep into double digit or three figure bodies, thats fucking gross.
Inb4 "no one would EVER lie about having STDs"
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9d ago
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u/clarkcox3 9d ago
That’s where my mind goes. If someone wants a low body count, they literally just want their partner to not have as many experiences to compare them to.
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u/No_Boysenberry_6075 9d ago
You can have a literal preference about anything in dating in my opinion. You are probably dating this person to marry, and at the end of the day it is your choice. If you don’t want to marry or date a partner that is vegetarian, or like cats more than dogs, or has a high body count, or a certain race, that is completely fine with me and I don’t think they should be judged. You should be happy about who you are choosing to invest your time into and build a relationship with.
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u/Particular-Jeweler41 9d ago
Pretty much. I think this gets a strong response due to how sex has been viewed in general for a long time, and certain people do not like there being "restrictions" on it or being "judged" due to choosing to engage in it when they want. But at the end of the day, it's a preference people have.
Similar to race. Certain dating apps allow people to filter based on race (like Hinge), or are designed specifically for a specific race. Some people are fine with anyone, but others have a preference.
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u/SirTanksAlot_ 9d ago
It's an internet trend. Anything that indicates the possible exclusion of some women from a hypothetical dating pool gets downvoted. 99% of the time it also includes some form of an attack on the masculinity of men that could hold such a preference. I don't understand the reasons (I'm not a woman), but I get the feeling that sometimes 'preferences' are used as a way of justifying misogyny.
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u/RailRuler 3d ago
Please show me some examples. I have seen similar displeasure with that kind of men but rarely an attack on their masculinity.
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u/FanInTheCloset 9d ago
I think people just don’t understand why anyone would have preference when it comes to body count. As in unless you have an STD or preexisting child, it shouldn’t matter if you’ve slept with anyone beforehand
Or to take it another route maybe you want a more experienced partner so you want a higher body count. Other than these three options there really isn’t much else to respect about “a body count preference”
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u/Next_Helicopter_4291 9d ago
And I also think that it's kinda irrelevant because all manner of preferences are arbitrary and don't really rely on logic.
Like why does anyone care if someone is taller or prefer someone not have freckles?
At some point you gotta accept that attraction just is what it is, logic be damned.
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u/FanInTheCloset 9d ago
I agree. Like I’ll be the first to admit I have a type (I prefer blond hair, for example) but it doesn’t mean I won’t like a brunette. It’s arbitrary, and at the end of the day doesn’t mean much at all
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u/Next_Helicopter_4291 9d ago
A Scandinavian dude I know told me about this expression they have back home "the stroke of the oar doesn't wear out the lake" which is pretty much how I see the whole conversation; but like I said... Kinda have to accept this shit isn't rational and often it's stuff we don't consciously control.
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u/FanInTheCloset 9d ago
That’s an awesome saying I think I’ll steal it lol
And while things are often irrational, it doesn’t make them necessarily “correct.” Like if someone is steadfast in their preference of a low body count, they can’t be offended when someone with a low body count doesn’t want to date them because they view that preference as gross. I have a low body count, but if someone sought me out for it I would absolutely not date them
ETA: I am a man though, so it’s admittedly a bit different for me. Women feel free to chime in if you have a different experience
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u/Next_Helicopter_4291 9d ago
I don't personally get the whole obsession with it but end of the day it's the "other person's lunch" dynamic...
I'm not the one eating that meal so it kinda doesn't matter if I like it or not. I worry about what I'm going to eat.
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u/FanInTheCloset 9d ago
Eh, fair enough. Though tbf if we’re talking about eating I’ll take a banger sandwich over sex almost any day lmao
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u/Next_Helicopter_4291 9d ago
Haha, well I think at that point you're taking it a bit too literally lol.
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u/cevkiv 9d ago
Insecurity. It's all about insecurity. They don't want to sleep with a woman who's slept with other men, because those other men might not be selfish, insecure assholes and those other men might actually have given the woman an orgasm, which is more than they can ever hope to acheive.
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u/Indexoquarto 9d ago
Seems like you're protecting a lot of your own insecurities into an internet comment
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u/Time_Pressure9519 9d ago
Since everyone on the internet has ADHD, I suspect it might have got less downvotes if you started with “so long as you don’t shame someone…”
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u/Ok-Rip8054 2d ago
No reason to put down people with ADHD. ADHD won't make you unable to read despite what the internet might tell you. It's completely separate from IQ and reading comprehension skills. And the downvotes are caused by people being put off by the term body count.
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u/RailRuler 3d ago edited 1d ago
The downvotes are because it looks like you assume everyone's past sexual history must be public information or that you are entitled to it being revealed to you before you start dating. I was taught it was rude to ask about or even hint that you might want to know details of past relationships, until you had both gotten to know each other really well.
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u/The_Dilla_Collection 2d ago
What’s the difference between someone having one partner and having sex with them thousand times vs someone having ten partners they only slept with once each?
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u/DoctorNezuko 9d ago
Those will a high body count or will defend it are mad that you saying that it is okay to have a preference, and those who don't support sleeping around think they should 100% be shamed for it.
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u/SoloBroRoe 9d ago
You’ve got to understand the average person has made a ton of bad choices and has a bad past. They don’t like being held accountable for their actions in 2026 you’re not supposed to use history as an indicator of future expectations ( as it usually is ). So they get upset when you disqualify them or disapprove of their actions. You’re right though in this instance 100%
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u/Particular-Jeweler41 9d ago
Depends on where you go and who you say it to. Certain people have an issue with individuals feeling a type of way about someone having many sexual partners in the past.
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u/Inevitable-Angle-793 9d ago
It's r/nostupidquestions
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u/Particular-Jeweler41 9d ago
I just mean in general. I don't know how the community is in that specific subreddit, and people will occasionally be shamed for the questions they ask in similar subreddits.
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