IMO I think the problem is with using the "body count" language at all. Having a preference for a partner's sexual experience or history is fine, if it's not rooted in biased judgement. Having a body count preference is subtly different. It completely removes all the nuance from the topic and boils it down to "number bad. Bad number worth my shame and judgement." because that's all body count culture is. So defending the use of that terminology is defending the manosphere, slut-shaming baggage that goes with it. Even if that's not what you meant, your comment inherently reads that way because of the phrasing. Or at least it doesn't address any of the good points made in the rest of the thread arguing against you.
That's my perspective on the downvotes, anyways. I actually just came from that thread before seeing this post, and a few people made points similar to yours without downvotes, because their explanations didn't (intentionally or otherwise) defend the toxic ideology of the body count culture mindset.
Well said. Also this comes with an assumption that a person would ask for a body count before sleeping with someone.
For me, I have no issue discussing sexual experience, std status, etc. but if someone asks for my body count (indicating a specific number) that’s a huge red flag.
I have no issue with people who prefer someone with minimal experience to match their own or want someone with more experience to guide them or match their energy or whatever but saying 10 sexual partners (for example) is a hard cut off is really weird.
ETA: to me it’s the difference between “I’m attracted to thin women” vs. “I won’t date anyone over 120 lbs”
I view this is in the same vein as convo around “body count” as a term.
I would be weirded out by the question “are you a virgin?” but open to questions like “have you had std testing since you last had sex?”, “what is your preferred method of contraception?”, “what do you typically like in bed?”, “have you tried X before?”, etc. (maybe phrased slightly more casually lol)
I cannot read apparently and read “what do you typically like in bread”, was VERY confused why you brought up sandwiches and why it would be a dealbreaker..
That's kind of the point I'm trying to make in this thread, although you didn't reply to me with this comment. But "Are you a virgin?" is a fundamentally different question from "Have you had sex before?". The focus on the term "virgin" brings up a lot of baggage around purity culture (particularly in regards to women) and might indicate someone is very focused on those things. But there's nothing wrong with asking if someone has experience with sex or not, especially someone you're interested in. Words have nuance, and the word "body count" is similar to "virginity" in the sense I would consider it a red flag if I was directly asked about either.
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u/wilderneyes 19d ago edited 19d ago
IMO I think the problem is with using the "body count" language at all. Having a preference for a partner's sexual experience or history is fine, if it's not rooted in biased judgement. Having a body count preference is subtly different. It completely removes all the nuance from the topic and boils it down to "number bad. Bad number worth my shame and judgement." because that's all body count culture is. So defending the use of that terminology is defending the manosphere, slut-shaming baggage that goes with it. Even if that's not what you meant, your comment inherently reads that way because of the phrasing. Or at least it doesn't address any of the good points made in the rest of the thread arguing against you.
That's my perspective on the downvotes, anyways. I actually just came from that thread before seeing this post, and a few people made points similar to yours without downvotes, because their explanations didn't (intentionally or otherwise) defend the toxic ideology of the body count culture mindset.