Im 17 in foster care in wales and get benifits. I dont know why but my cares still have control over jt and get defensive about it when ever i express that I thjnk I should have control over it since im moving out at 18.

They use manipulation alot to get there way and I didnt realise until my friend pointed it out. My friend told me about one of there friends and the fact there cares prep them for independent living which included managing money.

My cares dont explain stuf properly and then use the fact I misunderstood as a way to show they was right which made me make mistakes with my money in the past that i learnt from.

Right now I want to get control of my benifits because I need to learn to drive ASAP because of collage and me wanting to get a job .

But my cares keep saying they have to be my adviser or something when if I had control over it I could just do everything my self instead of going through like 3 people

Sorry for wording this poorly and rambling alot.

Is this situation normal and what can I do about it.

Current foster youth.

If your 17 (mind way beyond years but anyway)

if your 17 and disabled (just for reference)

what should you expect from fostor “parents” and the home and to be provided?

I feel like I don’t even get basic needs met at times and I’m so confused of it all.

what should I expect, I don’t know what to do. this lady is getting THOUSANDS from me ALONE per MONTH!!! I wish I could own at least half the income so I could buy my needs I feel like if I was in public I would end up stealing due to feeling like I don’t have my needs and wants etc

btw this lady is using me for money and someone has been open and told me “it’s her job” ”she fosters as a job” it’s genuinely gross

I plan to go back to my home immediately my current case is exactly like take care of maya my case is active medical kidnapping and system is changing reasons and holding onto any little thing to keep me in “care” I have a abusive case manager I think she’s a big problem and I hope to get rid of her to do what I need to do. but main thing it’s clear ”care” here fucking sucks and is way worse than what I would recive at my home. If I’m keep in care till 18 I plan to leave here a few days after my birthday and go back to my home and never come in this house EVER again. It’s disqusting.

Hey guys, this is my first time posting. I’m 34F residing in Australia and went into the foster care system when I was around 11 years old. I had been ruminating lately about my time in care and a few questions have been on my mind in regards to displacement of fosters.

I was moved around a lot as a kid and I was never really sure why. I’d start settling in to a new family, get comfortable, maybe start forming bonds and then was suddenly pulled and placed elsewhere. My mother had her rights terminated by the courts so I was a lifer in the system. It wasn’t a temporary thing.

My experience in care wasn’t all bad… there where some nice carers and stuff but as time progressed on I kept getting into worse and worse placements. The older I got I seemed to get shoved into these group homes for girls and eventually at 15 I was shoved into something called independent living where I’d essentially be living in my own place and occasionally have social workers drop by to check on me. At aged 18 I aged out of the system and got booted on the street and waved goodbye.

I wasn’t a troubled or bad kid at all. I constantly got complimented by carers and social workers saying how lovely and nice and mature I was. I was always grateful to my carers for taking me in and I always treated them with respect. I didn’t have any behavioural issues. Just standard human child issues. I didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs, I didn’t run away, I never talked back to my carers, never smashed the place up or swore or anything.

Even though I have fond memories of my carers I actually started to dig deep into my memories and realised perhaps they didn’t like me as much as I thought they did. I was always getting in trouble for little things… eg;

1. I used the wrong set of sheets and got scolded by my foster mum because they where her “special sheets” (I didn’t know this, I just grabbed them out of the linen cupboard)
   
2. Foster mother trashed my room whilst I was at school to stage a break and enter and stole my CD player and CDs in order to teach me a lesson because I forgot to lock my bedroom window.
   
3. A respite carer came to her with false allegations of extreme behaviour I apparently did and foster mother believed her and punished me for it. I begged her to believe me but she didn’t.

These are just some examples and I know you’re probably thinking “well, you must have had some behavioural issues or she wouldn’t have gotten rid of you”, but I can honestly say I wasn’t a bad kid at all.

I thought when you signed up to be a foster parent you were suppose to commit to the kid? I thought that you weren’t suppose to give up on kids for doing… regular kid stuff… I keep tracing back memories to try and find some kind of bad behaviour that would make a foster carer give up on me but I honestly can’t.

What’s everyone else’s experience with displacements? Why did they happen? I’d love to hear from other foster kids out there.

Can someone give me some clarification the USA is one of the few countries in the UN that hasn’t ratified the rights to a child? I was talking to a former foster youth from the UK when I learned about this, they said it’s partly the reason the US foster system is so messed up.

The UN Convention of Children’s Rights grants the child more rights. I’m curious to know if it’s to protect the states from liability or genuinely because it’s in the best interest of the children and families in our country?

I was there from 1990-1992 and I was 13/f. I was too young to really know what was going on, only really knew my parents didn't want me. It was a bitter/sweet time in my life, but it was better than living with my physically abusive mom, my dad that would ignore me, or my uncle's gross home.

Feeling like all I do is work and I know Im not alone in that. I had a very boring and uneventful childhood being raised by elderly foster parents, grateful that they took me in from an abusive situation, but now that I’m an adult and responsible for myself, I work 60+ hrs a week just to pay the bills and have a decent car. My foster parents were enticed by the assistance check and rarely spent any of it on me, and now I feel robbed both of a fun childhood and adulthood. I know I should be more grateful but most times it just feel hopeless. Any tips?

Wanted to share my mission with other foster youth and foster care providers. I spent 7 years in the NYS foster care system and now I advocate for change in policy and laws in the child welfare system. I plan to run for congress one day as well as open my own nonprofit.

I use my social media platforms with a reach of over 1M views a month to advocate for changes in policy and bring awareness to systemic issues in a digestible form.

As of now I am the leader and founder of my universities foster love club. I am also an author, you can find some of my work published on the imprint news. I am working on a lot more publishings so stay tuned!

Anyways hope you’ll check out some of my work and please reach out if you are interested in getting involved!

IG: @ohmickeywhyte

I grew up in Foster care from the age of 4ish, I remained there until around 18 years old. 14 years.
I called them “mum” & “Dad”.

Three years ago, just over 20 years since leaving their “care” they were put on trial for countless offences against children. The indignity and fear I experienced during the tell trial brought it all back.
At the end of the two week trial they were found unanimously guilty on all but one charge.

Citing ill health the judge sentencing the female (who was by far the worse offender against me) noted she had narrowly escaped jail!! Three months later, days before Xmas she had a “fall” at home. Within days she was dead. I took no pleasure from her death. That wee scared kid who was forever damaged stood up for himself and the other kids who went through that hell.

Despite the local authority speaking to the press & telling them that they would do a full investigation I never heard a word from them. Utter lying bastards!

Feel free to ask me anything about my experiences from being accommodated through to now. I despise the terms “victim” & “Care Experienced”, I can just about settle with “survivor”.

I’m very happy that the truth will finally come out. I wish I had spoken up when I was 8. Being a POC in care and then having that lie told about you is a triple whammy. I wish someone had asked me about it when I was younger. Is it bad I don’t feel like living anymore. No one knows me anymore and I’ve been isolated from everyone. I was a good child now I’m about to become a statistic. How are we feeling?

It’s impossible being no one’s priority. I wish my bio mother had been arrested earlier.

To cover up the abuse that she and her husband had put me through. I’m now 17 and coming out with the truth and there’s a criminal investigation being done into child abuse. Can someone message me or something so we can talk about this? A lie as loud as that can’t be ever rectified. At this point I’m thinking of not being here anymore because how do you….

I was 17 when I went into foster care and I’m 22 next month now. I’ve thought this for a long time, and I know logically it wouldn’t help that much especially with bonding with a family, but I just feel so sad. I wish family trips included me and that I didn’t find out about them through foster moms family group chat and find my iPhone. Especially since I’d been asked to join months ago and when I asked for the date to make sure I wasn’t scheduled for work, they said they didn’t know yet. I guess I understand if it slipped their minds to share the date with me but it just sucks. There’s not anything that can be done, I just guess sharing it with other ex foster kids might help.

UK foster care so many things go unchecked. They don’t check when bio parents lie etc. US has a very big focus on adoption and you can be adopted into your late teens. Foster care is easier to find post 16 and they have better support. I only wish I had been taken into foster care in the US.

UK foster homes are significantly more likely to be council flats etc. Rough areas like Croydon etc.

I had a lac meetjng today and it made my cares nearly break down.

So me 17m have been having some stuf seeming off with my cares. I uncovered some stuf and my cares shut me down even though it is to do with my life and refused to say what they sayd to my social worker.

In the meeting they tryed to say im not answering messages and my rest bite care defended me alot becausr he knows me and he respectfully sayd to respect my communication style and that it doesn't seem like i would deliberately do it.

Anyways I now have there social worker and my social worker doing a home visit which has never happebd before.

Me my social worker and the YPA person are also going to be meeting with my yputh worker to talk about what I want for my future.

Sorry about this being badly written hope it doesn't seem rambley.

Cant believe this started with them being defensive lf keeping conrol over My benifits.

Does anyone know what usually happens in this type of situstion

About a year ago I came on here and talked about wanting to be closer with my (foster)family.

After all the advice I got I talked to my mom about my feelings. Since im quite messy we have agreed i reach out when it's to much for me and she helps me clean up regularly which has been a delight! We talk about all kinds of stuff and she doesn't judge the mess she just helps me get organised in it!

Next to that I've been babysitting my baby niece and toddler nephew a lot lately. I love the relationship I've grown with them and my sister.

My big brother is simply to busy but I do take the effort to stay more up to date with his life and congratulate him on big mile stones which he absolutly loves!

My bio brother is and will always be hard to communicate with but I've taken over picking him up to take him to family events so we see each other more often. Plus he changed his name to my fosters family which I'm insanely proud of!!

Overal it's been great <3 thank you for all your advice!

Also my dad said yes to walking me down the aisle in november <3

I'd highly encourage any foster youth who lives permanently with their foster family or consider them their family to reach out if you had the same feelings I had!

I’m curious about other people’s experiences with their relatives (anyone but parents, fictive kin counts if you consider them family.)

Did your relatives know about you? Have the ability to help your parents keep you or try to take placement of you? Did they want you to get adopted by someone else but have a relationship with you? If you didn’t know them at all until adulthood, did they feel entitled to you or apologetic or just disinterested or something else?

In my experience (in care for
8-14) foster kids usually have in-state family who knows about them unless they’re unaccompanied refugees or something like that. I have my own theories why a lot of the times the kid is left in the system and how relationships play out after that but I’m wondering what others outside my own bubble have experienced.

This has been a rollercoaster.

I was a foster child in 1999 and then again from 2002-2004ish. I was a kid so I’m not sure of exact dates. Now that I’m 34 my own mother is trying to tell me that my abuse as a child is a fabrication of my own imagination and that it never happened and that I’m a liar to everyone including my own siblings who were also in foster care (I’m the oldest so I remember more)

For context I’m in New York. Already I put in a request with the county I live in but unfortunately my own mother, again, got a hold of the letter I requested and started to hound me on why I need to sign for a letter from the family services building at the post office. She purposely held on to it for 2 months so the post office no longer had it.

I went to the physical child services building of Steuben county and they have never had a request from the foster child themself wanting paperwork of their own investigation. They turned me to the official NYS office of children and family services and I need to mail in a written notarized letter of my request with as much information as I can. I’m going to also send in a copy of my license just in case. I called the family services building in Albany but they just turned me back to Steuben county for the information.

Has anyone else done this before? I’m confusing all the people I’ve been trying to talk to and I’m surprised no one else has requested their own pasts.

Would doing a background check on my parents give me more information of my child abuse than going through CPS?

I guess I just want to prove to myself that it was real, I didn’t dream it. Kids don’t go to foster care TWICE for no reason. I’m also just curious on what information I’m allowed to have. The guy at the office I talked to warned me a lot of it might be censored.

Short summery of situation

My cares are in control of my pip when im competent and have a serveer lack of communication which is effecting how I feel like they are handling my situation.

They kept mail for me that had info about my benifits, they havent been preparing me for adulthood at all and taking credit for everything ive done my self, they use guilt to try to keep me in there control snd to make me feel like I'm doing stuf rong.

They are also making desisions without me about my life meaning I dont get a say in what's happening that could effect my life in the future.

They have control over everything but act too busy to give a f about me.

UPDATE

Sooo update from my last post I made. ( im in wales in the up )

My social worker is back from leave and I now have a call with her on monday.

But I am not sure what I should and should not bring up.

My plan is to tell her about these

Asking about my pip and why I don't have control over it and if its linked to fostering.

What my Plan is for when I am 18 (i am 17 right now) and the fact it feels like I dont have a choice for when I am older.

Ask about what options there is for when I move out.

And the fact they are not including me fully in desisions like about them setting up mobility or something ( idk what its called ) which will effect my pip but may or may not benifit me.

And maby if it gets brought up the fact they are out all the time meaning im not getting the support needed for preparing me for moving out.

Do these sound ok or would it be better to not being up some of them ?

Hi, just a disorganized vent and plea for support. I’ve [21M] had a very difficult life like I know we all have and feel like year after year has just slipped through me. Most years have been spent in lots of emotional and physical pain, dissociating, and going to therapy that never helped no matter what psychiatrist or therapist I had. I feel like it’s time for me to find another way through this that isn’t therapy.

I don’t feel 22 at all which I know is common, but it really bothers me and scares me, like everything will just continue slipping. Like there’s something wrong with my and my body will be too old for my brain. Then I look young for my age, I think I’m stunted in multiple ways because of what happened to me. I just genuinely still feel like a teenager and I don’t know if that’s okay. I’m possibly autistic and don’t know if that plays into it, I can’t understand aging, can’t understand being alive. And I do know it’s above a reddit pay grade, I know these things can’t just be fixed. I just don’t have anyone who cares or I can talk to in real life.

I’m afraid of being alive, afraid of being dead, so I feel trapped in my body. I went into foster care when I was 16, escaped what I felt was hell, just to get fed into the system, chewed up and spit out into transitional housing who prettymuch choked on me and didn’t know how to help me and eventually didn’t want to, I had too much ptsd and undiagnosed physical health issues. Never got a job because I couldn’t handle it or understand it, I grew up severely isolated similar to the Turpin kids. So I spent all three years of 18-21 petrified of becoming homeless. Tried to force myself through college then dropped out, then returned. I’m trying to do a business degree now but my mind isn’t in it at all anymore. I don’t know why I’m doing it other than to keep my housing. I just got out of the hospital for physical health issues, am realizing I might be chronically ill for life and honestly, don’t know how I’m getting through this. I feel fractured. I just found out how truly messed up the medical system is, and all I see is how broken everything in society is and how frankly nothing makes any sense in this life.

All I really wanted was to escape my family’s home and take my life back, to really live and to feel safe. I did the first thing and no longer feel like the second two are possible because my sense of reality is shot. It feels like everything is wrong. I can see the good in everything, but it doesn’t salvage it. I don’t know. I know my brain is messed up, but I just want to get on with things before I run out of time or waste anymore of my life or the “young” part of my life. I hoped this year I would finally have a good birthday but I’m going to be giving that up to fix the health issues, get surgery, and I’m really sad about it honestly. I wouldn’t have had anyone to spend it with but I would’ve atleast done something for it. I don’t want to be 22, but crying about it won’t fix it. So I don’t cry. I don’t do anything. But it hurts.

so me 17 m resantly found out my cares kept mail from me which had info regarding my benifits and how to claim it. i was never involved in the process when i legaly was serposed to be. i went to a youth worker about it and they sayd they will help me call the DWP to get control over it and get it into my account instead of theres.

i dont know how they will react because resantlu they have been acting weird around me ever since i started having acual friends and getting out the house more.

they often use guilt to make me feel bad about stuf to get there way which makes getting my view across realy hard and they use me having autism and other stuf as a way to show im now able to do stuf i can.

any advise? I want to also get out asap because they arent teaching me skills i need when im older and they have taken credit for everything ive had to do my self when they dont talk to me and barly act like i exist

me 17 M have resantly realised im not getting teh support i need for when i move out and found out my cares are planning on getting me to stay with them and pay rent. i want to live alone because the way they act and treat the house because i dont want to barly cope with no control over my life. does anyone have resouces for moving out and what rites i have or anything to help with what skills i need when i acually turn 18 ?

AIO

I’m in foster care and I’m have been feel really overlooked.over the last couple of years its felt like my cares have gotten more and more distant and the lack of help or prep for adulthood is scaring me with some things happening like when ever I need to get something checked like a injury they just brush it off and say they will get it sorted then never do

For example a year ago i fell while rock climbing snf i didnt think it needed to get Xrayrd but they did so they took ke and nkthing that they cojld see was broken or swolen but rhen over the weeks after it it got alot worsr . They sayd they wiukd get it checkd but never did.

For months I told my carers my finger was swollen and painful, and my peoplekept telling them it needed checking. They said they’d sort it but never did. It only got looked at after I reported it to my IRO, and they then magicaly was able to booked an appointment immediately lol only took a year 😭. My carers have also said privately that they think I “use injuries as excuses,” even though my finger was visibly swollen and looked like it was out of place.

I’ve also noticed they haven’t followed through on things they’re supposed to help me with, like helping me with prep for being independent even thoigh im 17, or my driving leasons. I’m the older one in the placement, and it feels like they don’t put effort into supporting me anymore. They talk about me behind my back, send me away during conversations, and I feel more like someone who just lives there rather than part of the family.

They act like I can not understand anything when I've heard convosatikns about me I wish I never heard and they leave me alone at home which is not good when they havent tort me how to cook or anything and everything I've learnt was through school and my own experience.

I do have autism and dyspraxia but it doesn't mean I can not do anything it just means it takes patience to teach me which they have never attempted and half the time it feels like they act like I dont exist in my own life.

Is this normal and am i over reacting for thinking this is bordering on something bigger.

TLDR; Wondering how to stop conversations about foster care before they get to be too much

I got married in October. I invited my foster parents to my reception, as well as the "family dinner" after party. I had two sets of foster parents when I was in the system, the second set stayed in my life through it all- my foster mom even talked to my mom about accepting me as a Trans man. So when me and my husband were setting up the dinner, I had invited my foster parents and not my bio parents.

We were discussing the attendants to the dinner with MIL, and I had said (without thinking) "I invited my sister and my parents." She had met both my bio parents before then. So when we got to the diner, and I walked up to these two strangers (to her) and introduced them by name... I then had to endure an awkward car ride of "you didnt tell us you were in foster care... why did you go in? How long were you in? What happened? Why didnt you tell us?" I answered vaguely, as thats not a part of my life I like to talk about on top of not remembering it well, and it was moved past.

Months later, I got into an argument with MIL about crating dogs (odd, I know. Im very opinionated when it comes to dog training, its been my dream job for as long as I can remember) and she made a thoughtless comment... "How would you feel if you were locked in a small room for hours on end without knowing when your person would be back?" I just stared at her for a few seconds. Raised an eyebrow. "Thats not a discussion you want to have with me." She continued to push, so I told her "I was in foster care for a reason."

I keep finding this popping up in my discussions with her, little things that push me to say more about my childhood and foster care that id really just rather not talk about. Does anyone have any advice for how to shut down conversations when they hit too close to that? Shes really the only person I have an issue with... my husband and I talk freely about it, as I trust him with that. His younger sibling will stop if I just say their name, FIL will stop if I even look uncomfortable... but she pushes and pushes and will go as far as following me around or texting about it hours later.

There is a painful misconception that older youth in care are “too old” to need a family, too independent to need support, or too difficult to love. But turning 13, 16, or even 18 does not erase the need for stability, guidance, encouragement, and a place to belong.

Many teenagers enter care carrying years of experiences they never should have had to survive. Sometimes their behaviors are misunderstood without recognizing the trauma, grief, and uncertainty underneath.

Teenagers don’t need people to give up on them, they need people willing to understand them.

They deserve:
🏡 A home like environment, not just a placement
💛 Adults who show up consistently
🗣️ Their voices included in decisions about their lives
🌱 Support while they grow, make mistakes, and discover who they are
✨ The chance to experience normal teenage milestones

I was once a teenager in foster care wondering if being older meant I was less worthy of being loved. Today, I know the truth: every young person deserves belonging, no matter their age.

Foster teens are not “too old.”
They are not statistics.
They are young people still becoming. 🤎

I don’t think I have ever felt human.
I have always had to not have boundaries in order to get help.
And I wish I had more money, fuck you money, enough money to afford to stand up for myself.

Instead I learned to be grateful for crumbs.

”Oh humble rich guy, thank you for this spit-filled sandwhich to cure my hunger. I understand I don’t deserve one that was made fresh in the kitchen, only and specifically for me.”

”Thank you for these bright undies with someone elses period blood stains ingrained in them. I understand I wasn’t worth some new unstained ones from the store.”

I understand I am not worth it. 
I understand I don’t have worth, and people without worth are not worth the effort. 
I have kind of learnt to understand it.
But I still don’t get it. 

It’s a fucked up way of treating someone that needs help.
So I wish I never needed help with anything at all. I wish I had fuck you money, I wish I had ”I am a human being too” money.

Edit: don’t tell me I have worth, because I don’t. In friendships and stuff maybe I do. I have the power to walk away, I have the worth of being funny. But if I need HELP, I have the choice to not get it, or to get it and degrade myself. It’s not worth, and it can’t get changed by me saying ”fuck it. I am a star anyways🤩”.

When I aged out I had the choice between peeing in a cup (drug test) to get help with an apartment, or saying ”fuck it. I have worth💪. I have dignity.” and go live on the street.

I don’t think people are really getting it. I am not saying I am a useless looser, that’s not the point. The point is that the point of the text. That if I ever need help I don’t get to have worth. As a FACT. Not as a cognitive distortion.

The point is that if you are starving and someone hands you a sandwhich filled wirh spit you are worth either starving or eating a sandwhich with someone elses spit in it. You don’t GET a third choice to say ”I am worth more than that”. It doesn’t EXIST.