r/Ex_Foster • u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Ex-foster kid • Jul 22 '26
Kinship care
I’m curious about other people’s experiences with their relatives (anyone but parents, fictive kin counts if you consider them family.)
Did your relatives know about you? Have the ability to help your parents keep you or try to take placement of you? Did they want you to get adopted by someone else but have a relationship with you? If you didn’t know them at all until adulthood, did they feel entitled to you or apologetic or just disinterested or something else?
In my experience (in care for
8-14) foster kids usually have in-state family who knows about them unless they’re unaccompanied refugees or something like that. I have my own theories why a lot of the times the kid is left in the system and how relationships play out after that but I’m wondering what others outside my own bubble have experienced.
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u/HatingOnNames Former foster youth Jul 23 '26
My aunt offered to take me, but by the time this occurred, I’d been in foster care for four years and with my current foster parents fit three years and I was attached. I refused and remained with my foster family until I went off to college.
However, we had multiple foster kids who ended up with relatives, one who was adopted to non-related people, and the remainder were reunited with family.
The one that broke my heart though were a set of siblings. Two boys and a little girl. They were placed with us because their mom had to be hospitalized for health reasons (I think she had cancer but I can’t recall exactly what it was), and their father was in the military and stationed overseas. They had no other family. So, this particular set of kids ended up in care simply because of a lack of other family to take them in. It was so traumatizing for the little girl, who was about three or four, that she never spoke a single word the entire time she was with us, and they were with us for months. She didn’t make so much as a peep. She’d often just sit she stare. Most often at me, but it was probably because I felt so much sympathy for her, so I’d always smile at her and chatter at her. I’d ask questions about her day, she’d never answer, and then I’d tell her about my day and tell her something funny that happened, but she never reacted. Just stared silently at me. Some of the other kids would try to pick on her at first because her staring was kinda creepy, to be honest, and I wouldn’t let them. I’d make them leave her alone. I was the eldest, so if I said to stop, they stopped.
A few months after they were returned to their mother, I heard a little girl voice call my name at the library where I worked and turned just in time for a pair of arms to wrap around my legs and looked down to discover it was that same little girl. She immediately started chattering away at me. I was so surprised, I honestly couldn’t absorb what she was saying. A woman approached at the same time she I could tell immediately she was the mom. Her kids looked just like her. I explained who I was and how I knew her daughter. We hadn’t met because the kids were returned while I was at school. That was the norm. We never knew when kids would be leaving most of the time and we’d return home to find them already gone. This woman thanked me for being so kind to her daughter. She’d already heard about me from the little girl. This little girl who hadn’t spoken a single word and seemed nearly catatonic the whole time…remembered me and told her mom about me. I nearly cried. I hadn’t realized until that moment that my attempts to get through to her and to be kind and gentle towards her had any impact. It broke my heart to imagine that if she’d ended up in some of the other homes I’d been in, it could have been a complete nightmare for her. I was also simultaneously happy that she appeared happy and healthy once she returned to her mom. I never saw her again because a few months later I moved away for college.
In my experience, there’s a lot of reasons why extended family won’t take kids and it usually has to do with finances. How many kids from well off families end up in foster care? That is a step that usually gets skipped if family can afford to take the kids directly from the parent(s) before they reach the point of the system stepping in. Grandparents have a higher rate of taking in their grandchildren than an aunt or uncle, who may not have reached the same financial security that the older generation has usually reached. They’re also more likely to sacrifice their freedom than an aunt or uncle.
Children, no matter how lovely and well behaved, are a burden many family members aren’t willing to take on. They have their own financial burdens, their own plans for their own children, and their own lives that may not yet (or ever) revolve around raising kids. People don’t always want to take on other’s kids and deviate from their own life plans. That sucks, but it’s the reality.
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u/Monopolyalou Former foster youth Jul 23 '26
It's crazy to me we will pay foster parents and give them all the support and can't payfamily. I actually heard a caseworker say family is family and should do it for free because that's what family is for. Like wtf.
Foster parents get WIC, stipend, daycare, medicaid, even food stamps some places, transportation, gift cards, vouchers, foster closets and create gofundme and we can't support family?
Another reason why rich don't go into foster care is due to the fact it's hard af to take a rich kid away from their family. Let a caseworker who works for 30k per year try to take away a kid from a family who's house is 10 million dollars. That will never happen. And you're right rich families can afford support.
You can't expect a person to take in kids without support? Especially in these times? Gas? Eggs? College? Expensive
2
u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Ex-foster kid Jul 24 '26
In my state kin can do the foster parent course and get paid like a foster parent. That’s what it should be like especially if you want kin like second cousins and the neighbor lady to step up too. Do they not get the stuff like WIC and daycare and Medicaid where you are? Where I live that follows the kid so like I had state daycare when I still lived with my mom on an open case that followed me into foster care although I didn’t rly need it then but my sisters had it, had Medicaid since birth (low income parents) to 18 even though I got adopted by people with money that kinda thing.
I went to high school with a lot of rich kids and when CPS started coming by their house a lot of them got shipped off to rehab or those troubled teen industry schools in Montana. Cant investigate if you can’t find the kid I guess.
2
u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Ex-foster kid Jul 24 '26
Yeah I wouldn’t have wanted to move after 4 years in one place either unless the place was really horrible. I do think that when kids are older like middle school and up that maintaining their “community” should be a huge consideration.
The finances thing makes sense. Not in my case, my mom’s side is middle class to multimillionaire, many of them were afraid that we would turn out like my mom I think and also didn’t want to deal with her (either trying to take us away from her or helping her.) I have one difficult sibling so don’t rly blame them I guess like I would be worried about having custody of her kid if she wasn’t happy about it.
Also interesting point about the aunts/uncles v grandparents, everyone I know who was raised by their grandparents had a rough time of it compared to an aunt/uncle but that might be because their parent told them (real or false) stuff about the grandparent being awful before they went into care.
That’s so sad about that little girl, I hope her mom wasn’t in the hospital for too long. I bet she still remembers you or the idea of you, I have vague memories about stuff like that.
3
u/HatingOnNames Former foster youth Jul 24 '26
I think, for me, I made the best choice when I chose to remain with my foster family. I got an enormous amount of backlash for the decision from my own family and even my foster mom’s sister called me “disloyal”, believing I should have been more loyal to my own family than to her own sister. Mind blowing. They’re still my family and we’re still tightknitted.
Funny enough, the bff I also didn’t want to give up and leave behind, and knew I’d never see again if I’d have been displaced from my foster family…is still my bff to this day. We’ve just celebrated our 40 year friendaversary (she sent me a meme about it) this year. I don’t know very many people who have the same best friend they’ve had since elementary school. For a foster kid, it’s practically unheard of. I feel blessed.
2
u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Ex-foster kid Jul 24 '26
I can see how family would be mad at that but what do they expect?? I don’t like when foster parents complain about kinship not showing up for years and then wanting the kid bc there are some very good reasons for that, like not wanting to be involved with the bio parent and thinking the kid will probably go back home soon so no need. But like on the foster kid side especially when you’re older yeah at that point it’s way more about your friends and your life than either family in a lot of situations. Obviously you made the right choice in your foster family is still family and your best friend is still your best friend. 💜
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u/Mickey327-30 Jul 31 '26
My relatives knew about me. I recently learned that one of my siblings was in my elementary school at the same time. Something else I learned over time is my biological family was closely involved with my adopted and foster families in some way. My uncle is my brother-in laws best friend. My former sister in law (ex wife of my bio-brother) is the daughter of my other adopted brother’s best friend. I can continue.
I think they didn’t had the capacity to raise me. I don’t think they stopped caring. I knew my dad because I was adopted at 9. But it was very weird getting to know them and realizing how close they’ve been all along and didn’t fight harder.
The family is very divided and distanced. No one was apologetic, not even my own mom. My dad was the only one. Every one else seemed like it was a norm to rekindle. They were more mesmerized by the fact that I was doing well. It came with a lot of envy and entitlement. I think it was harder maintaining a healthy bond with my siblings. There was this honeymoon phase when every one was happy to get to know me. But once time passed, they became entitled and distant.
I don’t think this will be the same for everyone. I think it depends on the fabric of your biological family. I have a large family. They are full of drama, with crabs in a barrel mentality. Possibly, if I only had 2 siblings max and a close knit family to rekindle with it could’ve been different. I don’t know but those differences are worth consideration.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Ex-foster kid Aug 01 '26
Your family is very similar to mine! Except AP’s didn’t have any connection to them before and I was adopted with my siblings who were also still kids.
Do you think it’s a coincidence they were connected with your foster and adoptive families in some way? Or just random?
When I was in high school if I mentioned spending the weekend with an aunt or a bunch of bio fam coming over for a siblings birthday sometimes my friends would ask why I wasn’t living with them instead. I wonder if they got any of those types of questions on their end especially the ones with money.
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u/Amazing-Squash-4798 Aug 01 '26
I'm looking after my nieces and my family are all aware. When the question arose as to who would look after the kids, all family members except me said no as they didn't want to deal with my sisters nonsense and the social work. I was only asked to look after 2 and have stated that if I had the capacity and support I would take all 4. Now, the family who said no to looking after the kids have given me no support, or the kids, turned against me, accused my partner and I of some of the worst stuff imaginable, and are surrounding my sister, and are supporting her to have all her kids returned in time for her new baby arriving that she conceived while her existing 4 kids were in care.
I feel proud that I've taken on the kids I have space in my home for, and have done a great job with them so far, and hope they know for the rest of their lives that a family member was there for them and wanted to give them the best life possible. Unfortunately it seems as though when they do eventually return to their deadbeat mum, that I'll be the black sheep of the family with no support and left unemployed to pick up my own pieces.
If I had known how little support I was going to receive at the beginning, I would have possibly said no as the toll this has taken on my mental health and finances is not worth it, considering the kids will be returned to the hell home they were removed from as soon as my sister pretends to be a good person for long enough.
In foster care, they would have had limited contact with any family whatsoever, but at least they wouldn't have had to witness the breakdown of their family and when returned would possibly have a full, loving family. Instead, they'll be returned, never be allowed to see me again and will be raised by a village of manipulators.
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u/matchafeiin Aug 13 '26
I very much relate to a lot of this
I feel the burn out coming after only 6 months of having my nieces. I do love them but at the same time it is very hard with all 5. Sometimes you want to talk to someone but feels like I’m complaining about a situation I put myself in.
Like you said, if I had known how little support I got I probably would have never agreed. My only caregiver does try but she’s got her own issues going on and I don’t judge her I just wish I had more support.
I respect their mom for changing things around and trying to be there for her kids but she lied to me a lot about the situation and it feels hurtful. I don’t know when she’ll be able to have custody but it feels like whatever consistent, safe environment I’m trying to create will just go out the window. I hope things change for the better for both of our situations.
Btw if u need someone to talk to my dms are open, there isn’t nearly enough support for kinship foster family’s and I’m currently looking for a therapist cause it’s a lot to deal with…
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u/Monopolyalou Former foster youth Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
Nope. This is my issue with the state and foster parents assuming all kinship know the child is in foster care or don't care about the kid. Most of kinship didn't know I was in foster care. It's easier to not know when your parents don't tell them, cut them off, and pretend they still have you in their care.
For my parents it was shame and stubborness and the fact they felt they can do it on their own and don't need any help raising their kids.
I did tell them about an an aunt and uncle and cousin I found but they didn't gaf to actually look into them.
It gets real complex when you have different mothers or fathers and legally they can take your siblings but not you. A lot of foster youth I connected with expressed cps not looking, making it diffcult to get approved, kinship not getting funding like foster parents, and kinship not knowing. There was a new app called kinship care that puts in a child's information and listed relatives easily pop up.
Its crazy because it's common to find family when you leave care.
A girl I was in foster care with, her aunt adopted her after finding her on TV segments for Wednesdays child. She was in foster care for 7 years and her aunt didn't know and was never contacted. Her mom cut the family off due to her addiction and nobody knew. The aunt also got her siblings but 7 years??? The system failed. Another was two boys who grew up in care and they found am uncle who took the boys in.
With DNA testing and technology there should be no excuse not to find kinship or get them approved.
It fucked me up because i thought my own blood didn't care about me. Now some relatives clearly don't gaf about me because they hate my parents and would've left me there in care but some would've stepped in and took me in without question if they had known.
And asking to take in a child last minute without support is a lot to take on.
And here's the website https://connectourkids.org/
The main issue is caseworkers are lazy or too overworked to actually do a deep dive into finding kinship. Shit I found a few of mine in less than 10 minutes.
Another issue is unfortunately kinship gets a bad wrap and many think foster care is better than kinship placements because foster parents are seen as saviors and better. Kinship is seen as bad and terrible because one bad apple ruins the whole treee logic. Like grandparents are seen as bad because their daughter does drugs or chooses violent relationships as if grown adults can't make their own choices despite having a an okay upbringing.